Chapter 1
Rainbow Savior Chapter 1
By: Juria
Author Notes: I own nothing except this story, and a few OCs! MLP: FiM is owned by Hasbro/Lauren Faust. This story is a tad dark, but not too bad. Also, takes place kind of after the first season but before the second season. Enjoy!
Rainbow Dash flew high above the town of Ponyville, enjoying the bright sunlight. She flew fast enough to her liking, but not so fast that she couldn’t look down every so often and observe the rest of the town. It was one of those rare, odd days, no clouds in the sky, no incoming storms, just peace, comfort, and the wind in her mane. However, as she’d grown accustomed to in her life, a peaceful day never lasted. As she flew further and faster, Rainbow Dash caught a very familiar sight set of colors out of the corner of her eye, the unmistakable orange fur and purple mane and tail of her number 1 fan. Rainbow Dash went in for low dive, planning on suddenly flying back up at the last second to give the young filly a surprise, but as she got closer to the ground, a nagging feeling in her gut told her something was wrong. Rainbow Dash slowly inched closer to the still form of Scootaloo, a lump in her throat as she called out to her. “Hey, hey kid, wake up.” She said. Slowly, Scootaloo opened an eye, and as she tried to lift her head, Rainbow Dash saw the worst sight she had ever witnessed in her life. Scootaloo’s other eye was bruised, a deep mixture of black and purple, and almost swollen completely shut. Her front hooves were covered in blood, which Dash had found the source of as Scootaloo tried to stand, several deep gashes on her flank and side, as well as a broken back leg. Rainbow Dash did the best she could to maintain her composure as she gently tried to lift Scootaloo off of the ground, holding her close to her body with her front legs. “Just hang on Scoots, I’ve got you.” She whispered softly as Rainbow Dash took off as fast as her wings would carry them to Ponyville hospital.
10 hours later…………..
Scootaloo slowly opened her eye, everything appearing as a blur to her, the sound of Nurse Redheart’s voice sounding slightly muffled. “Oh, you’re awake, poor dear.” she said, giving a soft smile. Scootaloo could barely give out a mumbled reply before coughing and throwing up in the trashcan next to her bed. Nurse Redheart gently stroked her back as Scootaloo regained her composure. “Wha..where am I?” she asked, breathing deeply as she slowly titled her head back on the white cotton pillow. Nurse Redheart gave her another smile, trying to cheer her up. “You were brought here by Rainbow Dash almost ten hours ago. It took myself and three other medical ponies four hours to stop the bleeding.” she said with an almost saddened expression on her face. Scootaloo gave a groan as Nurse Redheart covered her up with a blanket. “Where’s Rainbow Dash now?” Scootaloo asked. “Out in the waiting room. Are you sure you want visitors?” Scootaloo gently nodded, then watched with a weakened eye as Nurse Redheart walked out of the room.
Rainbow Dash slept quietly out in the Ponyville Hospital’s waiting room, her loyalty element, as well as her conscience, nagging her like a bad itch. Nurse Redheart gently nudged her awake, then took a couple of steps back when Dash flew up with her hooves swinging. Rainbow Dash breathed fast and heavy for a few seconds before calming down and gently landing on the floor, Redheart giving the two security stallions that had started to walked towards them a reassuring nod. “So, how is she?” she asked. Nurse Redheart gave her a soft smile. “She’s been asking for you, but she can’t get out of bed yet due to some internal injuries. Her spirits seem to be up though.” Redheart explained with a sigh.
Dash stared at the floor, letting Redheart’s words sink in. “This is all my fault. That little filly did nothing more than admire me, but I was too busy stroking my own ego. If I hadn’t been so wrapped up in myself, if I had just listened to her or even talked to her, if I hadn’t….” Dash went to put herself down even further, but Redheart placed a hoof on her shoulder. “That’s enough Ms. Dash; I won’t have anypony put themselves down while they’re in my hospital. Yes, what has happened to Scootaloo is terrible, but right now you’re the only pony that filly has, and she needs you.” she stated firmly. Dash gave a deep sigh, and then calmly walked into Scootaloo’s room.
“Hey there squirt, how’s the, well, everything.” Dash said with a soft smile, nervously scratching the back of her head. “Rainbow Dash!” Scootaloo smiled, her eyes getting as big as saucers. She almost reached forward to hug her, until the intense pain torn throughout her body, causing her to give out a cry of pain. Rainbow Dash quickly rushed over to her side, then gently hugged her, the return hug from the young orange filly almost crushing her neck. “Ok kiddo, can’t breathe.” Dash replied, her face going from cyan to a darker shade of blue. Scootaloo instantly let go, then stared at the blanket covering her, trying to ignore the bandages and bruises.
“So, want to tell me what happened?” Dash asked in as best a motherly tone as she could muster. Unfortunately, judging by how quickly Scootaloo’s expression changed, this was going to be harder than Dash thought. “I, um, crashed my scooter, into a bunch of trees and thorn bushes, then I stumbled out into that patch of plains, and passed out.” she said with a nervous grin. Dash, on the other hoof, wasn’t buying it. “Come on Scoots, this is me you’re talking to, Rainbow Dash, the fastest flyer in all of Equestria. I didn’t get that way by falling for every story I heard. Besides, even if I did believe that part, how do you explain the gashes and bruises, the internal injuries, not to mention how many possible broken ribs. And trust me; you don’t get those types of injuries from a scooter crash. Now tell me the truth, what happened to you?” Dash stated her voice a mixture of a motherly tone and a stern demand. Scootaloo winced in pain as she rolled on her side, facing away from Dash. “If I told you, they’d kill me.” the filly stated, remaining silent as Dash tried again to reason with her, then after almost 20 minutes of pure silence, left the room.
Days turned into weeks and then months as Dash and Scootaloo kept playing the same head games, each time Dash would bring up the source of her injuries, Scootaloo would shut down completely. Eventually, Dash stopped bringing up the subject all together, and instead began to try to understand Scootaloo as one filly to another. Thankfully, this day was not one of those days as Applebloom and Sweetie Belle had practically busted into the hospital waiting room, Applejack and Rarity close behind them. “Where…the hay…is Scootaloo?” Applebloom asked the clerk at the front desk, panting and huffing.
“Consarn it Applebloom, I told ya’ll to wait on us and not to go bargin’ in here like a dang chicken with its head cut off.” Applejack said, a stern glare on her face. Applebloom turned to her sister, a pouting look on her face. “I’m sorry sis, but ya’ll gotta understand, we ain’t seen Scoots in almost a month, what with school an all. And the last time we done seen her, she looked half-dead. I mean, what if she’s gotten worse, what if she’s got infections, what if she…”
“Applebloom!”
Applebloom stopped dead in her tracks, and then stared at the floor, tears rolling down her cheeks. Applejack’s expression went from frustration to a look of understanding as she placed a leg around Applebloom, while Rarity wrapped Sweetie Belle in a hug, tears silently falling from her sister’s eyes as well. Once the two fillies had calmed down, a familiar voice spoke up, causing all four of them to practically jump out of their hooves. “Hey guys.” Rainbow Dash said casually. “Why all the down faces?”
Dash had to take a couple of steps back as she was suddenly swarmed with questions and faces. “Ok, ok, one at a time, jeeze.” She said in an unusually low whisper, holding up her hooves defensively. “How’s Scootaloo?, Can we see her?” Sweetie Belle and Applebloom asked in unison.
“Is she ah zombie?”
“She can’t be a zombie you do-do.”
“Hey, don’t go callin’ me ah do-do ya jerk.”
“Who are you calling a jerk um, jerk?”
“Enough!” Dash said firmly, snapping the two fillies out of their fight. “Scootaloo is doing better, she isn’t a zombie, and I’ve been with her for the past five hours trying to get her relaxed enough so she can sleep peacefully. So if the two of you wake her up, I guarantee that you’ll regret it.” Dash stated, whispering the last few lines enough to where only the two fillies could hear it, sending them both hiding behind their sisters. With a huff, Dash looked up at Applejack and Rarity, giving a meek smile. “So, who wants lunch? I’ll buy.” She stated before slumping on to one of the waiting room couches, almost instantly fading off to sleep.
4 hours later………….
Dash awoke with a start, falling off the couch and finding herself staring up at the ceiling in a daze, with a familiar voice calling her name. “Huh, wha?” she mumbled, shaking her head to clear the cobwebs, only to be staring face to face with a yellow muzzle, a flaming orange and yellow mane, and a pair of bright amber eyes. “Hello again, Rainbow Dash.”
Dash yawned, groggily righted herself, and plopped herself back on the couch. “Hello again Spitfire.” she said with an underlying tone of annoyance. Ever since the incident at the Grand Galloping Gala, her hero worship of the Wonderbolts had dropped just enough that she didn’t go all gaga and girly over them, well, not as much. Spitfire put her saddlebags on the floor, then flopped herself on the couch next to Dash. “Your friends are out making a coffee run. We need to talk.” she stated. Dash sighed. “If this is about the Gala, I really don’t want to hear it.”
Spitfire’s head titled down as she gave a deep sigh. “This isn’t about the Gala, if anything that’s the furthest thing on my mind right now.” The tone of her voice snapped Dash out of her half-asleep state. “So, what is this about?” she asked, giving Spitfire a quizzical glance. Spitfire reached into her left saddlebag and dropped a small pile of pictures in front of Dash. Dash said nothing, picked up the photos, and began to go through them, each one more disgusting and brutal than the last. They were all images of foals, pegasi to be exact, each one with a different colored fur, and all basically in the same position, similar to how Dash had found Scootaloo, except all four of their legs had been twisted into awkward and sickening positions. They all had their wings ripped off, their eyes gouged out, and most importantly, the same gashes that Scootaloo had had, several on the flanks, and then several more huge ones on the side, the only difference being that these were so deep that Dash could see past the ribs, to the organs, which in a few of the images were actually falling out of the body.
When Dash finally got through the small stack of images, which felt like it went on for forever, she slammed the images down on the table in front of them and raced into the bathroom to throw up. Five minutes later, Dash emerged from the bathroom, trying to keep her composure. She sat back down on the couch and shot Spitfire a glare. “Just what the buck does this have to do with me?” she snapped. Spitfire shook her head. “It has nothing to do with you, well, not yet anyways. Right now, our number 1 priority “she titled her head in the direction of Scootaloo’s room “is that young filly in there. She’s the only survivor we’ve found.” Spitfire stated grimly, watching Soarin talk to the little orange filly. By this time, Applejack and Rarity had returned, and just stood silently listening to the conversation, the thought of their own sisters in their heads. Rarity gently placed the coffees she had bought on the table, and then laid in one of the two chairs next to the couch, her eyes drifting towards her sister as Sweetie Belle and Applebloom walked towards them.
Applebloom, while not knowing what exactly was going on, knew something shook her sister up when Applejack didn’t respond to her at first. “Hey, Sis, snap out of it.” she said, shaking her with two hooves. Applejack looked down at her little sister, then quickly turned away, feeling tears in her eyes. Applebloom gave her a confused look, cocking her head to one side. “What dah hay is wrong with ya?” she asked. Applejack gulped and gave her sister an unusually serious stare. “We’ll talk about it later.” she stated in a voice that Applebloom had never heard her use, but somehow, she knew not to go asking any further. She quickly walked back to Scootaloo’s room, hugged her goodbye, gave the same hug to Sweetie Belle, and then the two sisters left, AJ and Dash a last-minute nod of understanding.
Sweetie Belle briefly glanced at the images on the table, before Rarity levitated them out of her sight. “Hey Rarity, I was looking at those.” she complained, before she noticed Rarity’s face, not an aggressive look like when she’d gotten into something she shouldn’t have, but one similar to Applejack’s, stern enough for her to not ask any more questions, a look that could have given Fluttershy’s “stare” a run for its bits. As Sweetie Belle went to say goodbye to Scootaloo, Rarity placed Spitfire’s images in front of her. “You shouldn’t keep something that vile out in the open.” she said in her typical posh, yet blunt, fashion. Spitfire put the images back in her saddlebag. “And if I were you, I’d tell that little filly the truth tonight, because by tomorrow morning, this place is going to be packed with royal guards.” she said in an understanding tone. Rarity gave her a courteous nod, and then firmly hugged Rainbow Dash. “We’ll be by tomorrow.” she whispered to her. Dash chuckled softly. “Yeah, and I’ll still be here.” she said with a grin, watching and waving as the two Belle sisters walked out.
The two sisters had barely gotten more than a block or two from the hospital before Rarity stopped walking. “Sweetie Belle?” she asked calmly. Sweetie nervously looked up at her sister, not sure what she would say or do next. “Y..yes Rarity?” she asked. Rarity sighed. “How much did you see or hear?” she asked.
“I didn’t really hear anything, but something didn’t feel right.”
“You were smart to trust your feelings Sweetie Belle. Something is wrong, very wrong. Somepony, no, some monster, did terrible things to a number of fillies, and they also hurt your friend Scootaloo, and I…
Rarity’s lip quivered as she looked down at her little sister. “I’m afraid, afraid of what could happen to you.” she said, trying to focus on the sky, the ground, the trees, anything to maintain her composure, until she felt Sweetie Belle’s front legs wrap around her leg. “Rarity.” Sweetie Belle said with an understanding in her voice that sounded older, yet somehow, natural. Rarity looked down, into her sister’s eyes, and gently nuzzled her, letting a few soft tears fall. “I love you Sweetie Belle.” she said softly. “I know, I’m so loveable.” Sweetie Belle said with a small smile, getting a giggle from Rarity. “Ah, and so modest too.” she replied, rolling her eyes. The two sisters continued to throw jabs at each other all the way home.
Later that night………….
Applejack couldn’t sleep, pacing the kitchen back and forth, the conversation between Spitfire and Rainbow Dash echoing in her head. She had already told Big Macintosh and Granny Smith, and they had both taken it fairly well, or at least Granny Smith had, as Big Macintosh had thrown on his stone face, where the only one who could tell what he was thinking was him. Applejack sighed as she flopped on her rump, staring out the window. “How the hay am ah gonna explain this to her?” she asked herself. “Explain what?” Applebloom asked, not more than a few inches from her, causing Applejack to jump several hooves in the air. “How the hay long have you been standing there?” AJ asked. Applebloom shrugged, and then sat on her rump next to Applejack. “Ah ain’t got a clue. AJ, what’s got ya all spooked?” she asked. Applejack stared at the ceiling. “Termites, and roaches.” she said, her eyes shifting back and forth and she bit her lip. Unfortunately, Applebloom wasn’t buying it. “Come on AJ, ah ain’t stupid. Somethin’s got ya spooked, and it’s gotta do with me. Now, what’d ah do wrong?” she asked with a frown. Applejack looked down at her little sister and shook her head, chuckling. “Ya’ll ain’t done nothin’ wrong Applebloom. None of ya’ll have. It’s just, there’s somethin’ bad in town, and ah’m afraid, afraid somethin’ bad might happen to ya’ll, or to somepony else. Ah’m afraid ah won’t be able ta protect ya if the time comes.” She stated. Applebloom stood up on her back legs and wrapped her front legs around her big sister’s neck. “Ah know it ain’t just you, there’s Big Mac, Granny Smith, and hay, ah even think Zecora would be willin’ ta lead ah hoof ta help. Ya’ll ain’t alone sis, even without ma and pa, we’re still a family.” she said. Applejack returned her little sister’s hug. “Thanks AB, ah needed ta hear that.” She said with a small smile on her face. However, she had to stop once she felt Applebloom’s grip go a little limp, and heard the soft snoring coming from the little filly. AJ slowly rose up, gently lifting Applebloom on her back. “Some days, ah reckon ah don’t know what I’d do without ya little sis.” She whispered softly, carting to sleeping filly off to bed.
The Next Day……………………
Rainbow Dash awoke to a semi-shocking development, and it wasn’t the fact that Spitfire was helping Scootaloo back into bed, as she was still fanfillying out and they hadn’t gotten down to actually telling her the real reason why they were here, nor was it the headphone with mic set Spitfire and Soarin had on their heads, as she had been told by them earlier last night that they were going to be communicating with their peers this way and basically had an ear, eye, and hoof either at the hospital or the library and that Twilight was going to be working with them as well, but the fact that when she looked outside of Scootaloo’s room, and all she saw was a mixture of white, gold, black, and dark blue from the royal guards, yeah, that might have been just the tiniest bit out of place.
“Holy horseapples, how many guards are there?” Dash asked to nopony in particular. “There’s about ten covering this entire hallway, forty guarding the outside of the building, and two guards on each floor at each entry point and exit point. Looks like Princess Celestia went all-out.” Soarin stated with a smile. “Yeah, and the ones that I could get to talk were really cool. I can’t believe the Princess is doing this for me.” Scootaloo said excitedly, almost falling if Dash hadn’t caught her. “Um, I guess my leg isn’t completely healed.” Scoots stated with a sheepish smile. “Yeah, you sure are the guest of honor.” Dash said, hoping Scootaloo wouldn’t catch the unnerved look on her face.
Dash waited until Scootaloo was safe in bed and no longer needed her before walking out of the room. However, almost instantly she was confronted by three guards. The oldest looking of the three, a white pegasus who seemed to be about the size of Big Macintosh, and almost twice as wide, spoke first with a stern, commanding voice. “Ma’am, we need your name, age, date of birth, and official registration.” he stated firmly. Dash gave the guard a confused look. “What? Why do you need all of that?” she asked. “That’s confidential miss, now either turn over the information or we will remove you from the building.” he stated once again, a stoic expression on his face.
Rainbow Dash was almost ready to tell this guard where he could stick his information gathering witch hunt, until another voice, this one female and belonging to a dark blue alicorn, whose shimmering mane seemed to look like the stars themselves were at her command, rang out behind them. “Private Sunbolt, just what in Equestria are you doing?!” she shouted. The larger male’s face suddenly lost all expression except fear and Dash could have sworn that he had even lost some color in his fur. “B.bu.bu.but I, I mean, we, I, um…” Sunbolt stuttered, practically tripping over his words as the alicorn got right in his face. “You three think this is some kind of joke?” she asked sternly. “N,n,no your highness.” He said with a gulp, the other two, smaller guards hiding behind him. “Let me make one thing perfectly clear to all three of you, this is no joke, and you playing foalish pranks and jokes on anypony, especially on one of the element bearers, is unforgivable.” The alicorn stated, turning her back to the three, who started to breathe a sigh of relief, until she turned back to them, her eyes glowing. “The three of you are off this assignment as of this moment, suspended for the next nine months with no pay, period.” she stated with a chilling air in her voice. The three guards looked like frightened little foals. “But, Princess Luna, please, it was just a joke, you know, to boost morale.” Sunbolt stammered.
“Um, excuse me, can I say something here?” Dash piped up, causing the guards to let her through so she had Princess Luna’s full attention. Dash got almost eye-level with Princess Luna, the two whispering back and forth with one or the other occasionally looking back at the three guards. Finally, after what felt like forever, Dash stood next to Luna as she walked up to them. “Ms. Rainbow Dash has come up with an even better idea, and I agree with her completely. The three of you will no longer have to worry about being suspended.” she stated, with a small smile. Sunbolt and the other two rookies broke into a quick series of high-hoof bumps, while Luna just observed them with a small smirk on her face. “Because you’re all terminated.” she said with a smile, all three guard’s jaws not only hitting the floor, but dropping through it all the way to the hospital basement. Luna and Dash looked at each other, and then placed a hoof over their mouths while bursting into a fit of laughter. “Gotcha.” Luna stated with a grin. Sunbolt nervously grinned. “He, he, good one princess.”. Suddenly, Princess Luna’s face became stone cold serious. “However, if this happens again, next time I will not be so light-hearted, do I make myself clear?” she stated, her horn aimed right at their throats. The three guards nodded in unison before heading back to their posts, while Luna, Spitfire, and Dash headed out into the waiting room.
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Well, everything was all nice and double-spaced until I published it. Still, enjoy.
Four hours to stop the bleeding? Four hours? Scootaloo would be dead if she bled for over four hours.
657145 Should have been more specfic as far as the whole operation goes.
That's my bad, I wanted to make it seem like the operation took four hours.
657194
Right then, but this whole story is just absolutely ridiculous. The potential is there. It's so great, but it's just gone to waste due to poor execution. I can't get over the fact of how strict Celestia was to those guards. I mean, that's definitely not in character for her.
I was really excited for some reason when I read the description, but when I read the actual story, it failed to deliver a satisfying story. I believe the first thing you need to work on is sorting out your plot because it was difficult to understand the situation at certain points. I also believe there was an unnecessary amount of gore and vomiting. Dark stories aren't all about gore and vomiting you know. The story should also be tagged with "Gore" because of these scenes.
I'll admit, I haven't read the whole thing yet, but I have skimmed through it and closely read several sections. And I gotta say, I like what I see thus far.
However, a word of advice? You need to break your paragraphs up more. Every time you chance speakers, it begins a new paragraph. So rather than having Rainbow and Spitfire talk back and forth in one huge paragraph, it should be broken up into several smaller paragraphs, breaking every time it switches speakers. Its grammatically correct, and it makes it easier for the reader to read and digest.
Other than that, no other serious issues caught my eye. Just make a few tweaks, and you should have a pretty good fic on your hooves.
657211 Um, there really isn't a whole lot of gore and vomiting. I mean, there's no vomiting, and as far as gore goes, maybe it's just the fact that I've already read every gore-fic in this fandom, but as far as what gore there is, it's actually quite tame. Still, I do admit that this first chapter does feel very convoluted and a bit confusing, but I promise the second and third halves will get better.
And as far as the strictness goes, that was Luna, not Celestia, and she was half being serious, half trolling. That aside, I do plan on having the story better fleshed out in future chapters. I often forget that, while a story makes sense to me, it may not make sense to anyone else.
657211 Actually, it was Luna being harsh on the guards, and that would be kinda in character for her.
And I respectfully disagree with your judgement on the content of this story. A few bloody gashes and some brutal pictures only mentioned once does not warrant a "gore" tag, IMO. Vomiting off-screen doesn't really counter, either. Granted, that's just my perspective on the matter. "Your Mileage May Vary."
@Juria: Oh, forgot to mention, from what I've read, your characterizations seem spot-on, especially the dialogue with Rarity & Applejack and their sisters.
Well, it is a good idea, but like jd896 said, the execution is a little lacking. I think if you put a bit more explanation into things, it would go over better. Also separate dialog from the rest of the story. Like so:
Twilight walked into Sugarcube Corner, the smell of freshly baked goods hitting her nose. She saw pinkie pulling a tray of cupcakes out of the oven. she walked up to the counter and took a long smell of the delicious looking treats.
"wow Pinkie, these smell amazing," Twilight said with a smile.
"Don't they? It's my own special recipe."
Just figured I would provide a bit of constructive criticism. hope this helps!
657145They can be giving her blood during the operating time to sustain her.
I really like this story, but I definitely agree about the need to paragraph before dialogue though. That small change makes stories 100% easier and more enjoyable to read, plus it stays away from the wall. Dun Dun Dun Dunnn
Format your chapters, reading it had me crossing my eyes about a third of the way through.
if you can take some constructive critisim, here's some: try using more spaces. don't have it all jumbled into paragraphs.
657247
Scootaloo vomited in a trash can after waking up and Rainbow Dash vomited after seeing Spitfire's photos unless I read something completely different.
Fuck, I can't even get the princesses straight. Great.
657275
Right, the author informed me. I kinda stopped paying attention after that little "NINE MONTHS WITHOUT PAY" bit.
657443
It was implied in the story that she was bleeding out for four hours. It wasn't really explained that she was being operated on, but that's somewhat my fault for not adding two and two together.
This is an interesting fic concept- but I can't read it due to bad formatting!!!
Remember, EVERY time a new person (pony) talks, it gets a new paragraph! Every new idea gets a paragraph!
Oh, and "........." is not needed. A total of three periods together (...) or (. . .) is the standard. And the scene brakes, with the exception of ones explaining time, are totally unnecessary. If you are writing a scene change, a simple double space will do.
662660 Oh, ok, I'll have to remember that part about just using three dots. That aside, the majority of the formatting was good, until I posted it here. I must learn to format it better, I'm making amature mistakes again.
663270
I've had some trouble in the past with transferring my chapters from Microsoft Word over onto here, normally it was just double spacing was taken out and alignment issues. I just got fed up with having to go back through and fix everything so I just started actually writing the chapters on here.
667805 Hmm, I might have to give that a try, then I'll just copy it back to Word so my story remains updated.
669318
Sounds good
Sir, don't listen to these hooligans. I found you story quite enjoyable. What surprised me the most was the lack of grammatical errors.
Keep up the good work and I can't wait till the next chapter.
Sorry I'm just now getting around to reading this. Pretty good over all, It looks to me like you got each personality just right, especially AJ's, unable to tell a convincing lie at all, and Luna as well. Anyway, looking forward to more.
677931 Oh well, better late than never. XD Thanks.
679219
No problem
669610 :D Thanks.
I read this a couple days ago and completely forgot to leave a comment... Oops!
Anyway, I am enjoying the story very much. The formatting can be confusing for the readers.. But you've already gotten enough comments about that, so I won't press it further.
We all make mistakes with writing. And practice will continue to improve your writing ability.
You'll learn how to improve your writing... I know I did through my years of writing fanfiction.
Don't let any harsh criticisms get to you! You've got a good thing going here. If you need a proof reader, I'd be willing to lend a hand to help out.
I eagerly await the next chapter!
686785 Thank you so much for your kind words. If I find myself in need of a proof reader, I will keep you in mind.
Very interesting story, can't wait for more!
692315 Thanks. :D
love it! keep up the good work! (I hope you are still writing the next part?)
love it!
777693 Yes, I'm still writing the next part, however RL issues keep getting in the way.
779800
dont matter
good luck IRL and I'll wait patiently
Is it just me or does everyone in this fandom get too hung up on grammar? This is the second story I've read where someone said that the grammar/ formatting was so bad they couldn't read it. I mean seriously! Remember in first grade when we could easily read the worst formatted/ gramarical crap in the world, but now we get hung up on something a small as not begging a new paragraph when someone new speaks?! I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
815137 Well, before you go, care to give your thoughts on the fic itself? XD Seriously, While I can see your point, I can see the point of everybrony else as well.
>> Juria Personially I find it pretty interisting. I'm always one for a good mystery-type story. Especially when it's on the darker side and not just "He got shot. WHO THE FUCK DID THIS?! *Insert crappy love story between two investigators* No! *One love story person dies* *Murder dies* THE END!" So if you would, don't do that.
Needs... more... chapters!
1195036 I know it does! Right now, I've got at least one brony proofreading the second short chapter, which I'll re-publish as soon as he gets through proofreading it, and if Derpy Fan 4eva still wants to proofread it as well, I'll have two proofreaders reading said chapter making sure it's all nice and neat before I publish it.
Nice characterization of Luna, I love her being willing to prank the guards bothering Rainbow. I almost feel sorry for whomever is targeting these pegasus foals, Rainbow is now personally involved and Luna seems to be eager to catch them.
so a murderer is prowling for Pegasus fillies to murder or something?