Spitfire and Soarin decide to hit up the local diner in order to unwind and relax after a rigorous early morning of training.
Artwork by Jowybean
Edited by Vertigo-01
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 30th Sep, 2014
- offline last seen 12 hours ago
Arcelia
A 24 year old aspiring fanfiction writer, cosplayer and partner of Cerulean Voice
Arcelia
Joined 30th Sep, 2014 ·
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I fully intend to read this at some point tonight between working and writing my own stories.
You shall have your feedback! 
6359578
Thank you so much! I've been very eager to hear someone's thoughts on this. I can't wait to see what you have to say.
6359635 Oh, trust me. I know the feeling. I used to be much more popular, but after a year-long hiatus, many of my followers stopped reading my stories, much less commenting on them, despite the fact I improved significantly as an author.
I suppose I'll start with the header. I absolutely love this cover art. It's amazing, and it's definitely been saved to my laptop. It's been some time since I've seen the cover art and story title within the chapter itself. It's not wrong, just an interesting thing to do, because it's not a particularly popular stylistic choice. I love it!
It gives the story character, I think.
I really enjoy the way you set the story. You paint a picture without being to wordy or using flowery words to flush the story out. Here, "more is less" works for you. The story flows well, and the dialogue feels natural.
The grammar is nearly perfect, though you do have a habit of putting a comma between two full sentences without any sort of conjunction. A period or a semicolon would be more appropriate. Beyond that, there was one sentence that really stood out to me.
This would make more sense in this context as, I'm finally catching up to him. Then again, I'm American, and that may be why we differ here.
The plural of pegasus is pegasi.
I like your characterization, and it's interesting how you presented Spitfire's insecurities, almost as if she had an anxiety disorder. I'm in the military, myself, though I'm in the medical field. It's a stressful life, and it can easily lead to such disorders. I suffer from several, despite never seeing combat. Seeing as the Wonderbolts double as Equestria's Air Force equivalent, this makes her feel so much more real to me. The way her mind went to such dark places, just for losing Soarin for a couple seconds was a terrific representation of anxiety. Bravo. At the bar, she seemed sort of childish, and I enjoyed seeing that side of her. It seemed to me she was more comfortable being herself around her friend.
Soarin... I like him a lot in this story. He's quiet and subtle about it, but I feel like he has a crush on Spitfire, the way he smiles when he's looking at her, and his eyes light up. I especially felt this way when he landed atop her and just grinned stupidly at her until she asked him to get up. Lol. It didn't seem like he was being perverted, just that he was enjoying their closeness while he could. I don't know if that makes any sense, honestly. Still, I see a lot of stories treat him as some dopey sidekick to Spitfire and Fleetfoot with nothing to really offer, and so I often times find myself disliking him. I think you do him much more justice than that. After all, it's been established in canon that you have to have a certain wit about you and memorize a lot history just to join the reserves, not to mention the mental preparation involved in pushing one's body to such limits. An idiot would have no place in the Wonderbolts, much less would said idiot be one of the most talented and high-ranking amongst them.
He seems laid back and level-headed, and he easily acts as a sort of emotional guide for Spitfire. It seems like the fact that he's so calm reassures her that it's alright to be so, herself. I like that about their relationship, that they actually need each other. It reminds me of my relationship with my own best friend in a lot of ways. I'd be pretty lost without him.
Overall, the story had a calm, happy feeling to it, and the contrast between the ending and the rest of the story is somehow natural. It isn't so jarring as some stories make such a transition. It's more like real life. You can be having the best day of your life, but something can always turn the tides against you. Once again, this is something that makes the story feel so real. It's no fairy tale ending, but not bad enough to leave some horrible pit in your stomach. I can't wait to see what happened to Rainbow Dash. It must have been truly terrible to break her so completely. The anticipation is killer.
Sorry for taking so long to complete this. As I said before, I'm at work, and I wrote this as I read through the story. I absolutely love it. Thanks for the read.
6359876
Thank you very much for your in depth and positive feedback. I've never seen anyone give such a detailed review of one of my stories before, let alone one as upbeat. I'm very pleased that you enjoyed my story. After all, that was the intent. I'm also glad I got the characterization and flow right. That was one of things I was slightly nervous about.
But above all, I'm especially happy that you felt the ending wasn't too hasty or out of place. Writing an ending like that was going to be a gamble, but I'm glad I took it anyway.
Thank you so much for reading, reviewing, faving and following me. This is the largest amount of notifications I've received in awhile.
I'll be sure to check some of your work out soon.
6359903 It's no problem. I don't do it often. Hell, I don't even read often, I'm so busy writing, but I know what it's like to crave feedback so much and receive none. I know mine is just the opinion of one, but I hope it helped to satiate that craving. I think you're going to be far bigger than you are now. Don't give up. FimFic's hit a bit of a dry spell lately.
If you check out my work, I'd suggest some of my newer one-shot stories. My SunLight story and Twixie stories are ongoing and, in my opinion, fantastic, but Let the Sun Shine is on hiatus for now, and the first two stories in my Twixie Trilogy are being rewritten.
6359914
Thank you, I know a lot of people who have said that to me in the three years that I've been on this site, but that really does mean a lot to me. Especially at time like this, when I was ready to give up. But hearing that from an author with nearly three hundred followers and fifteen stories under his belt, it really does make an impact.
6359919 Lol. I'm no one special. I know special people, and I try my hardest, but I'm just not. Every follower I have has been fought for with blood and tears. Every story, (barring my terrible, terrible first story,) is a piece of my soul. You're already worlds ahead of where I was on my fifth story.
Writing is easy. You simply sit at a type writer and bleed.
-Ernest Hemmingway
6359919
I guess I can't truly surpass the critique that LightningBass94 has made on this here story, but I would still be happy to share my thoughts.
This story was truly surprising for me. Yes I knew that it was coming since your Blog Posts told me, but I meant the way it was written. There was a sort of emotion lying under, though so can't exactly place my hoof on it. Rainbow Dash's appearance was in one way expected, wih her being an old 'acquiantince' of Spitfire and the Wonderbolts.
In short, I enjoyed how you made each character react in the different scenes and situations, and I believe I will dearly enjoy the sequel.
Good Luck Writing~Star
6360896
Thank you for your kind words Startlight420, I really appreciate every little bit of feedback I can get. I'm glad you enjoyed the story, after all I did pour my heart and soul into this one. So I'm truly grateful for that.
As for the sequel, I will hopefully begin writing it soon. So look out for that.
Thank you for making such a wonderful story. This story was interesting to say the least and I never expected to see Rainbow Dash in a sad state. However, this story shows that you have talent in writing. Keep up the good work my friend and I look forward to more.
This was a nice little look at some very nice pegasus ponies and their city. Jowy is an excellent artist to be inspired by too!