Went to my favorite con as my most ambitious costume yet The Transformer "Sixshot". Unfortunately I could not finish a weapon of his and went to the con without it. Then you Know the rest, bought said item form the merchant and now I'm hunting demons under the Tartarus Guard. Also trying to make friends on the side, and trying not to think of everything I have lost. This should be fun.
First story on the site hope I do good. PLEASE give helpful advice because English might be my first language, but it is definitely not my best subject. If you wish to be an editor or pre-reader please PM me.
Displaced story.
MLP FIM and Sixshot belongs to Hasbro.
Character Model belongs to Mastermind Creations. (You will find out why)
Chapters (1)
Okay, I have to nitpick;
Sixshot does not belong to Mastermind Creations. They may have made a toy designed in his likeness, and this story may uses features derived from that specific toy of Sixshot, but Sixshot as a character and design is Hasbro's only.
SixShot is Hasbro, Hexatron is MMC still good start i wanna see how you implement all six transformations especially his gun mode.
7518897
I see your point but I still prefer the design that they gave him and it is what i will be using for this story. Though i could change it to say "Design/character model belong to Mastermind Creations." or something like that.
7518917
That would be ideal, yes.
Okay. This right here? Biiiiig failure. It's part of the description, foretelling us of what's to come. A chunk of a word missing tells us of chunks in words missing.
language
This is the correct way to spell it. Into the jungle of missing data, woohoo...
#JustKiddingThatWasAOnetimeMistakeProbably
7519352
God I'm blind sometimes.
Thanks for that i actually rewrote the discretion about a week ago on my phone so stupid spell check probably did that, because my spell check is stupid as hell.
'ponies'
Not sure if it's really wrong, but I'd suggest to use
'Though if you would look'
instead.
'sitting'
You don't need the 'there' both times here.
...don't. Either describe it and don't link the picture, or describe it and link the picture. But do not refuse to describe it and give the link anyways. If you want us to have that exact picture in our heads, you'd go the effort to describe it. If the story relies on external links? Yeah, it sucks. The author does not have basic skills like being able to describe something. Also, you can just leave out the picture and let us imagine the artist desk ourselves, if it isn't that important to the storyline.
...How about you tell us which assortment of objects is on the upper tabletop, and which one on the lower?
It wouldn't be too much effort, and flesh it out quite a bit in my opinion.
Leave out the 'there', pretty please?
Then then then. Then I decided I disliked all these thens, then I thought about what other words I could use, before realising there is atleast one commonly used word. After thinking of these mysterious words, I was much happier.
'process'
'realization dawned on her', this one is not really wrong, but I do believe it kind of uses an ineffective choice of words.
'starts'
'starts', you describe them as a group, which is singular. "A group of stars", the plural is "groups of stars". Therefore, the s has to be used.
'does'
'princess'' or 'princess's', I am not sure, but you definitely need the ' to show that it's a relationship of possession. (I am not sure if the sentence before this one was entirely grammatically correct.)
I personally would add a lot more commatas, but since that is just me, I'll just tell you of the one I know you need for sure.
'on your work," says a feminine voice' Oh, and the capitalisation.
'gives'
You were doing pretty good staying in present-tense until here, as far as I saw. 'was' is past-tense of 'is', isn't it? So, why use it in a story that is set in present-tense? Also, 'whirls'. Spooked is fine though.
What about 'to sigh', or 'sighing' in this case?
Either 'before giving', or 'then gives'
Wow, harsh. Talking to her sister in third person, as if she wasn't in front of her? Really harsh.
'burst'
'chest," Luna tells her sister in an angry fashion.' I wonder if she is angry enough she actually snarls? If the answer is yes, don't use 'angrily' or 'in an angry fashion', instead just use 'snarls' instead of tells.
'"Apologies Luna," she says'
'in the shoulder, "But I could not help my self hahaha and you do look cute when your concentrating," lifting'
'coming before we switch duties," then turned'
The thing in the middle about duty? Put it in the author's note, instead, with a quote of this paragraph.
...is the word 'odd' really supposed to be here?
'than'
' 'sorry' '
'knew'
'month that was maintenance time'
'Celestia sees something strange, a red star in the sky.'
...'magics'... That is the best you could come up with? Nothing like, 'uses telekinesis to move XYZ over to her'
'and asks, "Is'
-----
This is as far as I'm going to read today. I might continue tomorrow.
7519486
Wow really tore a new one in my story there.
But thank you for the help anyway I fixed the mistakes I agree with and reworked other I wanted to keep.
7519623 I give you a thumbs up, and hey at least you have a story (or more) out, while I have three stories that are unpublished and barely worked on
Yay transforms displac not many of those can't wait for more
Can you do more please
Question: Update?
Where's next chapter ?
Ok hope thing get better
when will this be updated?