I had a loved one and loving friends and a beautiful family. But I lost it all my girl my family and my friends my heart is torn, and I thought I would die, the only reason I'm alive right now it's because the only friend I had left told me of a man that would be able to send me to another world. This is my last chance if I don't find him I might not live to see another day, but if I do and start anew, I will protect those I love or die trying to Reach for my happiness.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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i like the consept of the story but may i please proofreed i am cringing at the mispellings so please let me just send me the chapter somehow we will probly need to work that out so please let me
Well, okay, let´s put out this ember before it becomes a wildfire yes? My name is Schrodingers Katze and today I am here as official Displaced Story Reviewer.
First of grammar. For the love of god, get a proofreader, or better yet, two. I know from my own expierience that a second or third pair of eyes can only help you improve your stories quality. Doubly so if English is not your native language.
Second, punctuation. Your flavour text alone made me cringe so hard, my face almost got stuck like this. Put some commas in there pretty pretty PRETTY please!
Third, fourth wall shattering. There is no way in hell anyone knows about the Merchant. That guy is literaly a eldritch god that exists outside the fabric of reality! Knowing about him seems to become a disturbing trend amongs new Displaced stories.
Fifth, the Merchant is no nice guy! He is an asshole who destroys lifes of mortals for shit and giggles and does not hand out shitloads of awesome stuff so some random John Doe! Especialy not to some smartass who seems to see him as some sort of travel agency and charity. I mean, seriously, would you dear author just walk up to the devil himself and talk to him like that? The answer is no I take. Because shit like that get´s your very existence erased from time itself.
Sixth and seventh, please write out your numbers and who the fluffing hell carries over twenty-five grand around with `em?
Eigth is a minor nitpick but nonetheless;
Either a female OR a girl (though Cortana qualifies more as a woman, no?), saying female girl is as redundant as saying male boy.
Ninth, the pictures. Let me stop ya right there partner. Tell us, don´t show us. A picture here and there is fine and dandy but slamming pic after pic into our faces is not cool. This is not a picture book, use your horsewords to describe what your MC sees, spin us a world of wonder and marvel like the bards of the olden times! *cough*Even though the doggies look very cute*cough*
Talking about your MC, tenth, how the blue clusterfuck did she turn into a professional, emotionless killer in the beat of a heart? And don´t tell me "cause of Displacement", that aint how it works pal! Human beings have emotions deeply ingrained into their very core, it is not something you can simply leave behind, even if you are in a heartbroken state like your MC obviously is. Not to mention all the nessecary skills to handle futuristic military gear without killing herself ten times over!
For a last stop on the "what the bleeping blueberry fuck" tour, the whole "build a futuristic city state in around three hours flat" thing. What? I just can´t! A house of any kind I would have bought without asking, hell, even a military grade bunker but a whole damn city with a ginormous pyramid in the center? What the frak is your MC overcomensating for? Why not give her access to some thermonuclear weaponry while we are at it?
You know, amongst us Displaced previewers, I might be the most lenient but my final verdict on your story: Glass it!
Half assed, all show, no go stories like this are the reason the Displaced sub-genre is suffering from the abysmal reputation it does now. My words are harsh, yes, but I can tell you from my own experience that they are better than honeyed "Good stuff" or "Give us more" comments that untruly inflate your ego and make you think you have the winning formula and do not need to improve yourself and your writting. I truly wish to see you mature as a writer, improve your skills as an author and then come back and give us and all the fandom stories that are enjoybale to read and have your readers legitimately ask for the next chapter.
Yours,
Schroedingers Katze, Displaced Story ReviewerTeam
EDIT: I knew I had read your particular "style" and seen your pen-name somewhere before. I reviewed your Kirby story before.
Yah, you reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaall need a editor or something. I couldn't follow anything in the story but the beginning.
good job
this looks like it went through google translate
I like where this is going, but I can't help but feel like this was a little rushed.
7624126 harsh but honest. I like it, very helpful. I personally don't mind the pics but maybe because I am bad at describing things. Also instead of glass It (like the referance by the way) just needs a overhaul.
7916250
Sometimes that is the best way to go. You can also describe FROM pictures, that is what I do most of the time.^^ Heh, ya, I´m a reference canon baby, locked and loaded.
I like to story but it needs some serious work, I mean there are errors everywhere; punctuation errors, grammar errors, spelling errors, and typos. This story is in need of an editor. But other than that this story has potential.
Nice
Why did you cancel it?