This is my first published FanFiction, so kind, constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated.
The ponies of the night were feared, once. They were considered monsters just for existing, and the power had driven several of them mad. Those who remained bore the full weight of the judgement of the Sun and those who lived under it. One day, though, they disappeared, but their existence remained in myths. When a descendant of these same beings appears, what kind of chaos could it create?
A fiction about vampires in My Little Pony, and how they're not so different from the rest of us. Also containing conspiracies, betrayals, relationships, and some action.
Chapters (5)
s'all good. I got one bit of adive for you
in sentances such as these
"I'm glad we could get that sorted out." The princess....
Substiture the period with a comma, so as it looks like this.
"I'm glad we could get that sorted out," the princess....
You need to break up your paragraphs. Don't do the "wall of text" thing. Other than that, your spelling and grammar is pretty good. I'll keep an eye on this story and see how it develops. I've been known to write a vampire story or two of my own.
Very intriguing start. Normally I hold no interest to vampire stories, but I can see that you're not diving head-first into the "monster" aspect of them. I like where you're going, through and through.
If I may point out some details that I've noticed, please take a look:
-"I wish a private audience with my beloved ruler." He replied, calmly.
Dialogue like this is actually incorrect, but only to a minor degree. In these cases, the period should be a comma, and the subject should not be capitalized. It would end up reading "I wish a private audience with my beloved ruler," he replied, calmly.
There are several cases of this spread throughout the dialogue exchanges. Keep in mind that none of them detract from the chapter - it's really just a nuance that readers tend to notice.
-Walls of texts, or paragraphs with no spacing.
This happened a couple of times, the most noticeable being when Celestia was reciting the terms of her age-old agreement. I'm guessing this is simply due to the FIMfic editor not preserving the paragraph spacing you may have had before. It's not a big problem; it just makes the story a little less enjoyable.
Those are the only problems I've found so far. Overall, this is a very strong start to what looks to be a promising story. Keep up the great work.
Edit: Ahh, seems I was late to point out the flaws. Heheh, oh well, I stand by what I've said.
Thanks, everyone.
I'll think about what you've said and try to implement some changes.
As for the paragraphs, i was actually somewhat consious of that, but it appears I wasn't careful enough.
I'll be more careful in the future. It'll just take some getting used to, some trial and error.
Two favorites!
I find myself wondering where this will end up, I love vampony stories and I like the angle you're taking with this one. Please... continue
Well, chapter posted.
I had everything I wanted to do all typed out a day or so ago, but as a challenge to myself I've decided that i'm making every chapter i write for this between 1500 and 2000 words. I usually write short and to the point, so expanding my ideas is a little different for me.
That said, once I get to the juicy meat of the story, we'll see how it goes. I might end up breaking the maximum word count I've set for myself... not that doing so would be a bad thing.
Anyway, hope you enjoy what's here and I hope you're looking forward to a pretty major reveal next chapter. Or maybe the chapter after that, if I run out of words.
Pinkie is the first to meet him? Pinkie Sense shenanigans?
There's never just one....
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Feel free to guess. It's going to be one of the Mane Six.
Although, he's already met three of them without a reaction...
Rarity is a vampire
Holy mother of Celestia, run for your lives!
I AM SOOOOOOOOO SORRY.
I
convenientlyforgot about writing this chapter after it was mostly finished, and just needed a little editing to get to the 1500 word mark I set for myself.My obsession with reading every story in the 'featured' box and all the updates in my favorites may have had a
minormajor effect on this as well, as well as my responsibilities in real life.On that front, my cousin is getting divorced, my aunt is recovering from surgery, and the dog is constantly in the way.
Darn... the childish part of me wanted to come here and rage on your story just to be an immature little brat.
But it actually seems pretty good. I guess I'll excuse Celestia's strange interviewing technique, that thing about "five parts of the agreement" where she just checked her own memory to see if this stallion that she'd never met had ever done anything wrong. I'll excuse it only because Celestia's apparently lying through her teeth the whole time.
To the next chapter, then, I suppose.
Hm... there are a significant amount of grammatical errors... would you like me to be an editor for you?756236
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... what makes you say she's lying through her teeth...?
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Oh... there are...? I'm sorry...
I only do a single draft of each chapter before I post it, with some minor editing for word count. I guess my writing isn't quite as good as I thought it was...
But the spell check feature doesn't pick anything up... (not that I count on that entirely... it can be wrong.)
But you'd edit for me? YES! Thank you so much! Since I write offline with software, should I copy it to Google Docs when I'm ready for editing? Or do you have a dropbox account or an email you'd like me to send the document to?
1119738 You can just send it to me via email. Just4imagemails@aol.com. And I'll reply with an edited version. Actually the errors decreased throughout the story, so that's a sign you're improving!
Granted, some of the dialogue feels a bit forced or awkward. Plus, what did he do with the manticore body, and why are there no less than 4 or 5 lines between each paragraph? I mean, 2 or 3 should be plenty... but that's nitpicking on my part.
So, yeah, just send me the chapter via email and I'll read it and return a corrected version to you.
A word of advice for yourself, always read the story aloud to yourself, to check for proper flow; additionally, it will help you spot errors that your mind would normally correct automatically.
All in all, a decent story, and I do look forward to more.
...Go on...
I like the way this has started.
I see a bright future for this story.
Time to find out if I'm right. ON TO CHAPTER... er, 1.
Almost forgot this was an intro.
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Tail twitch+itchy left ear+stomach growl=vampire
Obviously.
Hmmmmm..........you might need a picture on this story(well all your stories).Knowing from exploring the site,stories with pics usually gets more views and all that.The dislike to like ratio also affects it but that's already covered.So get a pic that'll probably suit your needs(on Devianart or somthing),make sure the artist never said ANYWHERE that you can't use the pic.Once that's done just stick that pic on.Oh and be sure you put up the original art link somewhere as without doing so will mean
or
Now for the story itself(coughs and clears throat)
I would like more.