*****
This story mostly follows the tv show timeline, but with some AU to it. Except for the prologue the story takes place just after Keep Calm and Flutter On and ends before Magical Mystery Cure.
An old foe, defeated and forgotten by Equestria's citizens returns and uses a mare of unique lineage to bring about it's revenge. As a counter the royal sisters give an old enemy turned friend his first assignment in hopes to keep the Element bearers out of the mare's way. Will he succeed in changing her or will the Elements have to be called upon? Can they even stop her and her Master, or will Equestria fall?
Chapters (9)
Right, so I'm going to reserve my judgement until I'm done the full story. However, that won't stop me from pointing out a few things and perhaps give a few suggestions. Also, these are personal opinions, ignore them if you want, just don't ignore the ones that point out spelling errors.
Firstly, stay in character! It's a little pointless to mention this now seeing as to how she's now a fully grown mare. However it was odd reading it from the perspective of a child who was using rather long words such as 'immeasurable', and 'entities'. It would seem more suitable to use 'after a really long time', or 'monsters'. I know it's probably your style of writing to use these words, but you have to keep in mind it's still from the perspective of a child.
Second thing I had an issue with was the perspective changes. No, it's not the fact that you change from perspective to another that's the issue. But I think it would be better if you were to separate the parts, at least add some sort of divider.
It would be a bit easier if you were to use an actual sort of divider rather than a small line of text. You can still keep the 'few years later part', in fact would fit better as the beginning of a paragraph. But, yeah some sort of divider would be nice.
Lastly, a small spelling error.
One 'm', not two. Amount.
Again these, save for the last one, are merely suggestions for the opinion of a single person. Hope you keep up your writing. Until next time,
-Sphinx
Thanks for the tips Sphinx, I'm new to writing and any kind of advice is welcome, I made the changes you suggested, lemme know what you think of the rest of the story
Right, I think I'll start by getting the errors out of the way.
'Voice', 'chalk full of dread'
Another, slightly smaller one being the dialog. Don't worry, it's a minor one which might be how I missed it in the prologue.
Again, this is something minor, but it still counts as grammar. If you're describing the way they are talking you don't use a period at the end of the dialog. Instead you use a comma, exclamation point, or question mark. Here are a few examples of what I'm trying to say.
"Don't step any closer, fiend!" the trio respond at the same time.
"Don't step any closer, fiend," the trio respond at the same time.
"Don't step any closer, fiend."
The period marks the end of the sentence. So, used when there is nothing more to say or way to describe it. Also, since I'm on the topic of dialog, if you use a pronoun or an article to describe the person that's speaking you keep it in lower-case, save for 'I'. So instead of "They said" it's "they said", instead of "He says" it's "he says". Again, this is a minor thing, more so than the 'period at the end of dialog' thing. I highly doubt many people other than me will notice or even care it.
Okay, now that my nit-picky little rant is out of the way, onto the actual chapter. I have to say this chapter did catch me rather off-guard, mainly because I didn't think she would be so violent. It is painfully clear that she is a powerful magic user, makes sense given that her parents are Sombra and Luna. She seems rather overpowered, mainly due to her ability to simply phase out of magic inhibiting cuffs and rings, however I have not read far enough into the story to make that judgement for certain. On a side note, I get the sense she has some sort of weakness to the sunlight. I can guess her motivations, though it's rather hard to imagine what must have happened to her over to years to turn her foalish attitude into sadistic glee. Anyways, nice chapter. Until next time,
-Sphinx
Ps. In the upper right-hand corner of my comment you'll find a button of two arrows pointing right. If you click on it it'll allow you to reply to this comment, if you want to that is.
6257494 Well, its not actually phasing, I should explain one of Moonshade's abilities is being able to create a clone of herself out of shadows, though the clone cannot stray to far away from her and when cuffs like that are exposed to the clone it can only last for at most a minute. As for one of her weaknesses, it is relative to light period, the less shadows there are around means the less she can manipulate, and despite her powerful spell casting abilities she's more of a suprise combatant, rarely will she confront face to face.
This chapter feels a little short. I'm not talking about in terms of word count or anything like that. Rather, it's because everything happens so quickly. They go from terrified of her, to mildly afraid of her, to terrified again, then Lily ends up crying for her. Honestly, I wouldn't feel anything toward her. She can't remember her past, so what, doesn't give her an excuse to kill ponies for fun. Also, why would the group be even more afraid of her when she told them she doesn't need to sleep? Quite frankly, I would be relieved if I was Lily, I wouldn't have to sleep with someone who wants to torture me.
Right, as for the errors I've found:
Missing a quotation mark at the beginning there.
I think you were going for 'hopping'. Also, there should be a comma after 'Ow'.
Missing a question mark at the end.
Should be a question mark instead of a period. Also, this works as a springboard into my next little tip.
When you're addressing someone in dialog you use a comma. In this case it would be, "What are you doing, pathetic weakling?". If it's not a necessary part of the sentence you separate it with a comma. Which is why, "What are you doing?" still works even though you are addressing someone directly, because the sentence needs the 'you' to make sense. Anyways, that's it for now, hopefully you can understand mess that I've written down here. Until next time,
-Sphinx
6259179 Well to answer your first part, the trio are basically being forced to try and befriend Moonshade by Discord and near the end Lily is actually making an honest attempt at it. To top it off she's starting to get the sense that there is alot more than what Moon revealed, though what was revealed did clue Lily in on a few things that saddened her, she doesn't like seeing negative emotions, add to that the stress she just went through, crying wouldn't be that big of a stretch for her.
Second issue, she only said that she doesn't remember anything, but if you remember there is atleast one scene that she remembers clearly from her past.
As for the reason why she's killing, it'll be explained some in a later chapter, in fact I'll clue you in, Moonshade and Nova have something in common, but its their reaction to it that differentiates them.
Lastly, the reason they'd be scared of her when she makes that announcment, I think it'd be a natural reaction, specially since she did try to kill them npt to long ago, would you feel safe being roomed with a killer even if that killer is heavily hampered and can't harm you?
6259433 Fair enough, that does make sense now that I think about it.
Alright then, now I'm looking forward for that chapter. Can't wait to see what they have in common. I would be willing to guess, but I have no clue how far you are into my story, and thus no clue about how much you know.
Fair point, I wouldn't feel safe with a killer either. In fact the god of chaos would probably scare me more. Though the fact she doesn't sleep wouldn't scare me more than what I already would be. Actually, I wouldn't be sleeping in that type of situation. As soon as everyone is asleep I would run for it. Anyways, thanks for the clarifications. Until next time,
-Sphinx
6259512 I've actually finished reading your entire Nova series so far.
As for why Moonshade hasn't run for it yet, she can't, lets see if you can figure out why, also I'm interested in hearing what your idea is on what Moon and Nova have in common.
Well, it certainly didn't take you long to read my story. How did you like it, if I may ask?
As for this story, or more specifically chapter, I liked it. I funny little chapter where the characters get to unwind a little, or most of them at least. Though Moony does seem to dislike fun... Oh well, her lost. Honestly, I find it amusing how similar our characters are, yet they're so different. Neither really wants any friends, for different reasons I presume. Both want to avoid Celestia. But, I don't really see them getting along too well.
Right, time for the errors. This time I don't have many that I can point that I haven't in the others. However, I notice you use 'With that' quite a lot. Honestly it gets a little repetitive after after some time. Again, like everything I point out, it's nothing too major, however it might be good to try and diversify. That's pretty well all I have to say for now. Until next time,
-Sphinx
6261001 I liked the Nova series alot, and I'm thinkin either she's part other magical creature that deals with fire, the fire entity is a very unique family trait, or something happened in her past that ended up with her becoming host to a fire entity are my three main guesses.
And while in this part to Moonshade's story I'd agree they won't get along I am currently working on a sequel to this story, right now got 20 pages done on my word doc and I started it last Saturday.
When I started comin up with background ideas for this character something made me think of Gara of the Desert from Naruto and tried to go mostly for his attitude pre battle with Naruto.
Just curious which part of the time in the fair was your favorite?
Glad to hear you liked it, unfortunately for you, you'll have to wait until I show what's really up with her. However, I can say that you certainly have the right idea with one of those, and these two certainly have something in common.
My favorite part of the fair? The tunnel, of course, non-torture-y methods of torture, what's better? Until next time,
-Sphinx
6264359 yea, I didn't plan on adding the tunnel, it just happened, its my favorite scene as well.
Okay, I'm gonna be honest. The end is a bit of a let down. Has a lot less to do with the side she chose and far more with the way it's set out. The story was quite literally anti-climatic. It goes straight from the climax to the end. No one knows what happened between those two point, or so they say at least. I know there is the possibility that you could, and most likely are, going to elaborate in the sequel as to what happened. Though I do feel like Moonshade knows full well what happened. She's been unconscious for a year, and has just come to a day earlier, yet she seems comfortable where she is. She doesn't seem to question what happen in the year she's been out, instead she simply wakes up and goes to night court with her mother. Yes, she did wake up the day earlier, but one day doesn't seem like enough time to explain the events of a year, or even come to terms with a new life like she has. Which is why I think she knows something else, because she must have woken up at some point earlier in the year and come to terms with everything listed above.
Getting back onto the subject of the story, all in all it was a good story. Of course there were a few parts that could be improved and elaborated on, but all stories have those. Anyways, it was a pleasure to read. Until next time,
-Sphinx
6267230 Actually I tried in the end to get to where she's just numb and exhausted over everything, nothing at that point has sunk in to affect her much.
Oh holy! This prologue already has me baffled, especially that very last sentence:
This line is just weird. Moonshade knows who Nightmare Moon is but not Luna? How does work, exactly? Is there a third form to Luna's powers?
I guess I'll have to keep on reading to find out now, won't I?
Besides the concerns of mine that were addressed in the previous comment, what happened to meeting and beating up Twilight Sparkle? That seemed like the next logical step, but instead we up inducing living nightmares on a couple ponies. Any chance we're getting a flashback?
Also, Luna and Celestia don't recognize Moonshade when they see her. With Luna I have no idea what's going on but Celestia has never been anyone else, and you'd think the first thing she did after banishing her sister was go after her niece, but nope. Better for Moonshade to spend a thousand years trapped under a pile of rocks.
And why is Moonshade evil? What makes a mare so young so evil so fast? More reading is required, but first I must rest.
6383935 I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far, lets see if you can find some of the answers on your own once you finish, whisper me if you can or don't have all the answers
Also should note that the end of the prologue takes place after season 3 and chapter 1 takes place after season 4.
When did Moonshade have time to develop such an attitude, and her affinity for worms? She remembers nothing but her name, and Nightmare Moon/Luna somehow. And on top of that ,she finds crying annoying. Somepony's emotionally dissociated.
"Let's have fun with the pony that just tried to murder us all!"
All because another previously-terrifying-and-still-kind-of-annoying monster told them to.
So I take it she did not enjoy torturing other ponies, then? But then there's this line:
Followed by sympathy from Lily to her would-be murderer.
Also, it would help a little bit if you described the type of game booth they went to. Whatever game they did play at that booth, it was clear Moonshade was doing it wrong. Come on Moony, get your head in the game!
Rule #95: Concentrate!
Rule #96: AIM!
Princess Luna Doll! I'm jealous!
There was no indicaton that she lied about not remembering anything two chapters ago, and yet she seems to recall Luna turning into Nightmare Moon. She lied then because she did recall her name and Princess Luna/Nightmare Moon at least, and she's lying now. Actually, what she said earlier technically wasn't a lie per se, but now it is.
Okay. Celestia did look for her but didn't find her. Does not explain Moonshade's evil persona, though. I mean judging from the narrative it seems the first thing she did when she awoke was go straight to Ponyville, where she finds out about Luna, Nightmare Moon, and Twilight. And since Twilight is there, it's been a thousand years give or take. Unless that stroll from the castle to Ponyville took centuries and something happened, there really is no reason for her to be so evilicious. Maybe I missed something but I'm reading this very carefully to make sure I didn't, because it seems like a lot is coming out of left field rather than me just having skimmed over some vital piece of information.
Prepare for trouble.
Make it double.
Sombra and Nightmare,
guiding poor little Moonshade there
and Twilight comes back to relevance!
Apparently someponies are seeking recompense.
What happened to the chains Moonshade had on?
Looks like after sleeping with the princesses, they are gone.
How does she know who the element bearers are?
How does the voice in here head know?
How does Applejack survive being thrown into a building?
Oh lord, Moonshade must be insane. She's laughing all the time for no apparent reason.
<insert various other obsrvances here>
Hmm. Odd place to stop the chapter.
Hey, wait a minute. Didn't Moonshade try to case a spell direct at Twilight at the end of the previous chapter? Where'd that go?
Our ever so helpful expositionary assistant Discord returns with some magic alicorn brew to reveal the truth of that night a thousand years ago.
That voice only showed up in the last chapter yet it sounds like it's been with Moonshade for a long time but we the reader haven't seen hide nor tail of it until now even though this story is from Moonshade's point of view?
Restrain her only now?! Why didn't you do that earlier? And what ritual is this voice speaking of? Is that why she was screwing with ponies earlier?
So her killing/torturing ponies and her being chained then force to go to a carnival against her own will while making death threats against her companions are somehow not the same thing. If she was shown enjoying herself at the carnival it'd be somewhat more believable.
This next part is infuriating. Because Moonshade told Celestia last chapter:
And we know that's where Luna is. Even if Celestia didn't know that, you'd think she'd start looking there or at least send Twilight & Co. to go check it out while Moonshade is in a coma.
Good to see Nightmare Moon is out and about (sort of?). I guess the ritual is for Sombra, then.
For a tough pony Moonshade sure does get knocked out a lot, huh?
One year later and just now they're talking about it? Was Moonshade out for that whole year? I wouldn't put it past her, she does seem to get knocked out a lot.
It wasn't her fault because she was being manipulated by Nightmare Moon and/or Sombra and now they're... dead or gone? Moonshade seemed adamant about Luna and Celestia being the liars in this situation, and is only now repentant after having woken up.
And I do believe
6267230
sums up how I feel about the rest of this ending. Onto the sequel!
Wait... what. I'm so... Did the nightmares cause that?
Alright, it's official. You're now one of the very few authors able to leave me in the dust like that.
6570619 what exactly is it that you think the Nightmare has done? And is it a good or bad thing to leave you in the dust?
I just caught the 'with that' usage Sphinx mentioned. Perhaps try using 'After that' or 'next.' Really any word that implies it comes afterwards. Restrict with that to more of a cause and effect type of item. Well, that's how I try to use it, temptation to repeat it gets a bit strong otherwise.
*Leans forward to edge of seat* *Finishes reading* Well... that was... disappointing...
6267230
Yup, that's exactly my thoughts.
This is such a good story and I can't wait to read the rest! Very good use of first-person
6591457 thank you, I'might glad you enjoyed it and hope you enjoy the rest as well
So Luna had Moonshade around her fall. I get the feeling that some of that dark energy got wrapped up in Moon. Hopefully she can reintegrate into modern society well, once the air has been cleared.
This line grabs me so much.
7429630 how so?
7429922 Because it is the starting point of things to come and it leaves readers wondering what is going to happen next.
It is a good line.
Interesting developments here. I wonder when this is exactly happening as if it will be possible for the Elements to be used on her to cure the evil entity that seems to be possessing her.
Well this is getting interesting this story was not listed as having a new chapter. I think the edited chapters are not showing up when you publish a new chapter.
7477287 thank you, didn't know that until now
Poor Moonshade it sounds like she got it even worse then Luna, she has forgotten who she was. I hope they can find her original self in her psyche so they can remove whatever dark taint that has hold of her.
Welp this is going to be painful for Moonshade. With how the darkness has latched onto her I hope they can successfully remove it without bringing her too much pain. I hope Cadance and Twilight can help her but how will Discord mess things up I wonder?
Shaky start with the concept, but this is an improvement by far. Despite my Favoring this could use more love, but in the end Moonshade is being played like a fiddle by the Nightmare. And she has been for so long she no longer knows who she truly is. Sad really, considering that she can have a good life if she really gave it a chance.
Now here is the thing, she doesn't have to stay in Equestria, she can reunite with her family and then travel the world and see the wonders that it holds, see things that other ponies have spent their hole lives searching. But as long as she is chained by the Nightmare, she is trapped in her cycle of hatred and disdain.
Eventually someone will not be as merciful, and create a way to kill her in the name of Equestrian safety, shame really.
Well, here is to your improvement, and that you continue writing.
PS. Oddly enough in my own universe, Luna never had any offspring. While Celestia across the one-thousand years that Luna was gone married ten times, and bared fifteen children to cope with the loneliness and the sadness of having to banish her only family. Her children where never demigod's though, so eventually they all died by the time of the show.
7593214 thank you for the feedback. Just curious, what was so shaky about the concept?
And you said the story so far could use some love, how so?
7593265
She is Luna's daughter, and is over one-thousand years old. That is a red-flag to any searching to hunt down Reality Benders. (Mary Sue's) But the idea that the Luna's only daughter disappeared from the world and was influenced by the remnants of Nightmare Moon to become a serial killing, strength obsessed lunatic can actually be written in such a way that it can be a compelling drama. In the same vain that a mother finds out that her son is in a street gang that deals in cocaine.
And by love, mean that you need to improve some characterization on Moonshade's part, had I not given her the benefit of the doubt and soldiered on, she would be a selfish one-thousand year old teenager going through an emo phase.
Though she can be better than that, a tortured soul that is fighting her own duality, and in the end can be better than the sum of her parts.
Poor Moonshade she made the wrong choice. I hope she can be saved and get rid of this corruption.
6387062 The way I see it this could be her trying to trick Nightmare Moon into a vulnerable position, or something. Also about the Carnival, she probably spent so much time being a thrall of the Nightmare that she doesn't quite get what fun is meant to be. But oh well.
Hopefully she freed Luna or everything is about to go pear shaped.
Moonshade learned nothing. She is still a slave to Nightmare Moon. I would have hated her going to Celestia and Luna, but she could have actually tried to be her own person, her own master instead of being a servant.
So poor Moonshade spent a year in coma and has her magic not recharging yet. So what will her punishment be I wonder?
7708857 you will have to wait for the next story to come up
Pretty good so far
I'm assuming her father was Sombra and the evil of Nightmare Moon entered her body after it left Luna