I'm just here to write stories, make everyone happy, and let everyone know they are all awesome! Have a great day! (Now on Wattpad @Flutterbat276)
This lovely fantasy is told from the perspective of a young pegasus with cross eyes and a big crush on a time traveling stallion! This love story starts off as a secret crush, but as her life goes on, she may find herself in the hooves of the stallion she loves most!
Enjoy!!
Re-added to "Let's Make You Known" due to the influx of followers I've had over the past few months. Now at 33 followers, it is in the 25+ Followers folder.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hmm... Could just be me, but this all seems a tad rushed. It feels like the proper settings, coincidences explained, and all the other things needed. But the prologue didn't tell us anything other than this is a casual SoL setting Derptor story. Another problem, other than the 4 mentioned chars in the description, you forgot to capitolize names. Here's what I say you do:
-flesh out your stories more, fill in cracks with detail and other additional things. We have enough buildup for this, but the only prob was that there was a bit steep of an angle to be going, and that there was almost NOTHING but buildup. The only exception to this was Jack and Dinky.
-continue uploading at the pace that seems right for you.
-please make sure that just like in real life, important events are properly spaced out. That means with your current chapter size, I'd say next event in... 10 chapters? And may I recommend, not marriage. And the spaces in between? This is SoL. You could do all sorts of things! Double dates, monster attacks (I say that those aren't important because this is Ponyville. You know how frequent they are), maybe someone sabotages their date, or just have a chapter about going into town.
That's what I think will majorly boost ratings, as well as readability.
-ButtonMash
Man, that was some real life saving! Saved me from more self-insertion... But seriously, this is your first story, so that's why you get another chance. But heads up bro, self-insertion is one of the biggest no-nos to writing ever. If it weren't so short-lived, I'm sure you would be flooded with dislikes. Not from me, but from others who judge writing. No offence. Speaking of life-saving, where was the adventure and action?
I'm sorry, but this was so rushed it ran me through.
Second chance used.
Third is now on the line.
Not only have all promises either been warped or shattered entirely, but... Oh, I suppose you can't read a comment and edit as fast as I can read. But cerialsy, once more ppl look at this, I'm afraid it might be too late to save this fic's ratings. Just please, I am taking into consideration that it's a year later, but we got no further development in the relationship since a year went by? Maybe not marriage, I'm glad not marriage, but it sound like they did absolutely nothing but rinse/repeat for the past year. And back on that broken promises thing, I say that because there was no life-saving. At all. I don't know when you'll read these, but I hope that you don't find these offensive. I'm just giving you honest opinions in the quickest amount of time, while trying to give you directions to re-route it from these errors. What I recommend is you find a way to put a lot more chapters in between this one and the one before it, and stuff it. Stuff it full of the highlights of year 1. Maybe put a little world saving in there, eh?
-ButtonMash
6146842 Thanks, but keep in mind this is my first story. I also had most of it typed up and ready to go before submission. Im also not a professional, as I am only in high school, not even a junior. So...yea...I'm really trying but I get a little impatient with things and I tend to rush into things like this. I do lots of roleplay so I'm used to a little rushing in game or out of game. I do appreciate the great advice! I'll keep that in mind in a story I'm working on called "Cheese Pie" and..hehe..too late for no marriage...sorry..i already got it planned out...so um...yea...just bear with me as I am a new story writer.
Also I did think it was a teeny weeny bit rushed, but hey, I was in the moment! XD I just couldn't leave good opportunity in my eyes
6146877 No idea what self insertion is...Keep in mind I am only a YOUNG writer and a this is a first story for me to ever be published to the public...I don't have the maturity level to keep this story up there and really good...but anywho, I'm glad you understand its a first for me and it's an attempt, nonetheless. I honestly was nervous to upload it, but its there...and now I can get feedback from people. I guess some people are a little more judge-mental than others though so I may get a little down with that
Also, as I said before, live-saving action is EXTREMLY hard for someone with absolute minimal info on Doctor Who itself. I guess a changeling attack could work, but I plan on leaving a sense of security before going into it..maybe the wedding scene or going to it the TARDIS stops randomly and they get trapped in time..idk...
Final chapter so far? K, I am happy about this chapter. It has less rushing, more character building in terms of Derpy's friends, very nice and improved compared to what we saw. But something threw me off:
It's 5 months in. They are just now talking to her friends, just now getting free crap from Pinkie Pie, who is always on time (did you break her Pinkie Sense?), and just now getting the development that should've had happened a day after the previous chapter? Simple fix: remove the 5 months later, and possibly anything that has to do with it being said that much time in the future. Fill in the gaps with common banter, and expand a bit more when talking between Ditzy and the Doc, so we can get much more character development. And with the previous stuff I said, I have an idea. Why not flashback chapters? That would fix many issues, and is a good way of posting stuff without having to edit the timeline of the story. Imam give you 5 lives here. Still on your 3rd.
-ButtonMash
6146903 I'll see what I can do...
6146905 hey, I know what it's like to be a young writer. I'm going into 8th grade next year. As this is your first story, I like to give ppl multiple chances. As for the marriage, I think flashback chapters would help flesh things out for those that read that far.
6146928 alrighty, I see where you are coming from a tad. But hey, I personally have watched Dr Who season 1 through 7, so I can give you a dozen pointers or so. You have done incredibly well with matching the Doctor's personality, so I was thrown off on how much you knew. The o lay thing to add to that is a hint of randomness, and a lot more serious in some scenarios. For instance, his love life is a BUCKING TRAIN WRECK, and should be a bit more sour, and even a little hesitant to say yes to any kind of special some pony request, let alone be the one to ask it. That's partly why I thought the wedding should have been delayed, but you didn't know. I can tell you what you need to know. I can also recommend you ship ButtonBelle, but that's personal preference. Anyways, a good threat for the wedding is Wooden Cybermen. The doctor running with Ditzy, kind of breaking down. And then she gets slight injuries, and the doctor flips out and breaks into tears over a broken bone or two, and maybe a gash. If you don't know, these things come armed with flamethrowers and plasma cannons, constantly getting stronger as their being fought, and these advancements are known as upgrades. Also you should know they will constantly be screaming "DELETE". Any other info on the doc, you let me know ;)
Oh, and self-insertion is when one's OC or perso. Is thrown into the writing. Again, I would re-write that entire chapter.
6146938 don't rush yourself. Or your story. Hurts the both of you when you do.
6146947 I have taken the story down for the moment until I can get it sorted out. The OC is in there cause well...why not. I put myself in there as a way to have a bit more characters, not the way you think. I'll give it a bit more time before a publish is needed. I'm tired and I need some sleep. I got a flashback chapter working now, and sorry for rushes. I've got ADHD and a million thoughts in my mind so...yea
Also keep in mind I am improvising as I go along. I'm not planning any of this stuff out at all. The most planning I got was for the first couple of chapters where I had a story typed in notes on my phone, but it all got deleted. I had to remember what I had and try to make it fit in. It's harder than you think when you just come up with everything on the spot. And this story wasn't written to be realistic or anything. I just write it cause I just like to do it, not to have it be read as a serious thing. I know I'll make mistakes and it's not gonna be perfect since it's just straight from my mind. I think it's just fine as it is, especially since this is just made up on the fly. But thanks for all that help. I don't need you to tell me about DW though. I gotta friend who is all about that who I can talk to in real time. That's where I got some of the personality from along with all the Doctor Whooves stuff I watch on YouTube. Thanks for the understanding and I hope I can get better as I go
6146981 no problem, you can always keep the story up, and we get to watch as you renovate it, but whatever. Do as you please, and at your own pace. What's the point of writing if it isn't fun?
6147013 ok I hope you can excuse the wonky pacing. I got a REALLY good idea that I don't wanna spoil, but it may explain some personality differences, bad sense of timing, and other stuff like that. I may put it back up this weekend or something if I can remember. I got 6 or 7 whole chapters written since the story was taken down. Hopefully this clears stuff up after I get it back up and you read some of these chapters
6146965 yea y'know, as soon as I upload it again, you may be surprised as to how I dealt with it!
I mean, you'll see, but as far as my story writing goes, I think I'm MUCH better. You may have seen my other works (I may be young, but I love gorefics like the one I wrote XD) but I don't know how you'll take it. I used it as an opportunity to get a fresh start and a bit of an "excuse" for poor timing, seeing as how it was all a dream. A figment of Derpy's imagination and the things to come may explain doc's weird behavior. And the fight scene! but anyways, I think you may like how it turned out! REUPLOAD TONIGHT BABY!!
6147013 and it's back up! Tell me what ya think and I will keep those hints about Doc's personality in mind, though I doubt I'll add any actually DW villains (except maybe daleks), but there's still many MLP villains to use like changelings or diamond dogs...anywho, enjoy
KYAAAH
6484524 um..what?
Why it say ditsy her name is derpy?
6146928
Self insersion is when someone craetes a charecter that is basically them and put it in a story that wasn't ment for them.
Like if I put myself in a Story that was about the mane six.
6517272 I figured that out...
I just added her in for a larger variety of characters. Also, I gave a warning for the ONLY other chapter with self insertion so people could skip over that, besides that part wasn't as important as what the rest of the chapter was about anyways. Hope you're enjoying it though
6517206 I used both names actually. If you pay attention you'll see both Derpy and Ditzy as well as a little bit of Muffin. Ditzy and Muffin were names given by Hasbro while Derpy was a fan name
I finally caught up now i wait.
Great story by the way just be carefull wigh the gala.
6517500 yea...the gala will be a LOT different this time. I can say that much. I'll try not to rush but when I got ideas I GOTTA GO WITH EM! I can't contain them!
But you'll see when it's written
6517516
Tip read through before you publish in case on of your ideas wasn't what you wanted.
6517206 because on doctor whooves adventures it says derpys real name is ditsy doo
Let me geuss, changeling, dalek, or could it actually be original. Stay tuned to find out on the next episode of DerpyWhoovesZ
6608399 XD if you pay close attention you'd kinda be able to guess what it is
Anyways, I'll start writing a new chapter
Wow, is the Doctor really that blind.
6661518 To answer that, maybe...it's a new little build up point I guess
6146903 yea, these early chapters do seem like they were not as good as they could have been, but I think that the new leaf I've turned will give me a new chance to redeem it, and it won't be a broken promise after a while, so...yea...hope you like the story as of now though
This sounds pretty good. I can't wait to read more.
you forgot jack.
7177305 I see that now. But..um...eh I got nothing
Ok I'm looking back over this...this was SERIOUSLY bad! Oh god! XD oh well. First story ever, what am I gonna do? I'm more mature in writing now and I see my mistakes
6146903 oh god yep I see all that as problems XD god what was I thinking? Oh well. I know I'm better now and anything anyone says on this is kinda not going to effect me. But um...yea I see how you were right and how stupid I was!
7178170 I'm totally sorry, I forgot this story existed. It sounds like you have a bit more under your belt now, so I'll read it more. Thanks for a response.
7178206 no prob. I really have matured over a year :3
7178206 I got more recent stories in this story, so uh...if you wanna check em out, go ahead. I'm not forcing you to, though
7178151
!!!!!!!! 
That's s alright. I went ahead on reading and then you included Jack. This deserves a
7221772 thanks :3
When you have dialogue, make sure to make a new paragraph.