A few days came and gone and I still didn't tell him. But I did drop a lot of hints. Even complementing him every now and then. He seemed to be trying the same thing, and the more he did this, the more confident I was to ask him to the gala. I folded the ticket up and put it in a muffin wrapper. I double wrapped it so the ticket wouldn't be ruined. I wrote on the second wrap "Open Me" with a loose end of the second wrap. A note was inside the ticket asking if he'd go to the gala with me. He smiled and looked back up at me, then stepped closer saying he'd love to go with me. By this point I told my friends, who actually took it better than expected. Carrot Top hasn't said a word to any pony, Vinyl hasn't rattled it out over the mic, and the others have promised to keep it a secret. They're going to go to the gala, too, so they may end up doing something to help get things going, no doubt. I just hoped it wouldn't go wrong. I went to rarity asking if she could put me together a dress and Doctor a tuxedo. She had made very few male suits, but this tuxedo that she made looked amazing. And she topped all off with a pocket watch in the front pocket, the gold chain hung out of it and looped around to another area where it was attached to the tux. My dress was an ocean blue with some grey accents. There were bubble designs everywhere and a beautiful head piece that resembled a silver and gold streaked bubble with a platinum muffin shape inside. "I...I...I love it!" I said, excitedly. My eyes watered up imagining myself in the dress and Doctor in the tuxedo. There was no doubt that the gala would go perfectly!
A few nights later, we arrived at the gala. I saw Jack and another mare dancing together. I thought to myself "Jeez, Jack is just a ladies man, ain't he?" The mare had a red mane and tail with a jet black streak in the middle. Her coat was grey with a hint of red. Her cutie mark was what seemed like a glistening sword and a heart. Her talent must've been a swords mare or something. She had no dress, but Jack didn't have a tux on either, so it matched well.
I giggled then I felt somepony grab my hoof. I turned to see the Doctor holding me. He asked me something that I couldn't hear, but before I could react, we were dancing to the slow song that Octavia was playing as a solo. As we danced I started to blush and he led me outside.
We stood on a balcony together looking at the stars. He inched closer to me, and so did I. I couldn't even believe that all of that had just happened. I was so happy to be there with him that night, the perfect night. We looked at each other and, as if on cue, Octavia and Vinyl started to play a tune together that fit the scene around me perfectly. Doctor smiled as we started to hear the music and he asked me, "Care to dance Ms. Doo?" He talked to me so formally, and I couldn't find words to say. I was astonished that he was asking me to dance. I nodded as a happy tear sprang from my eye. He smiled back and took my hoof once more. This time we danced on the balcony where it was just us. No pony else to see this, so we let our moment last as long as possible. After the song ended, he finished the dance by kissing my cheek. I felt as if I was the happiest and most nervous mare alive! I could hear my heart pounding, my mind racing, as he asked if I could be his special somepony. I couldn't contain it anymore. I squealed and shouted "Yes!!" My friends heard me and ran out to see the commotion. They saw us together smiling, and Jack just said, "I knew you could do it!" Vinyl and Octavia looked at each other and smiled, knowing that their timing couldn't be better to play that song. It was perfect, the perfect night with the perfect stallion. I knew the night couldn't get better than that!
The next day, I was asleep with Dinky snuggling between me and Doctor. Our muzzles met and I smiled, knowing that it was all reality.
Hmm... Could just be me, but this all seems a tad rushed. It feels like the proper settings, coincidences explained, and all the other things needed. But the prologue didn't tell us anything other than this is a casual SoL setting Derptor story. Another problem, other than the 4 mentioned chars in the description, you forgot to capitolize names. Here's what I say you do:
-flesh out your stories more, fill in cracks with detail and other additional things. We have enough buildup for this, but the only prob was that there was a bit steep of an angle to be going, and that there was almost NOTHING but buildup. The only exception to this was Jack and Dinky.
-continue uploading at the pace that seems right for you.
-please make sure that just like in real life, important events are properly spaced out. That means with your current chapter size, I'd say next event in... 10 chapters? And may I recommend, not marriage. And the spaces in between? This is SoL. You could do all sorts of things! Double dates, monster attacks (I say that those aren't important because this is Ponyville. You know how frequent they are), maybe someone sabotages their date, or just have a chapter about going into town.
That's what I think will majorly boost ratings, as well as readability.
-ButtonMash
6146842 Thanks, but keep in mind this is my first story. I also had most of it typed up and ready to go before submission. Im also not a professional, as I am only in high school, not even a junior. So...yea...I'm really trying but I get a little impatient with things and I tend to rush into things like this. I do lots of roleplay so I'm used to a little rushing in game or out of game. I do appreciate the great advice! I'll keep that in mind in a story I'm working on called "Cheese Pie" and..hehe..too late for no marriage...sorry..i already got it planned out...so um...yea...just bear with me as I am a new story writer.
Also I did think it was a teeny weeny bit rushed, but hey, I was in the moment! XD I just couldn't leave good opportunity in my eyes