- Member Since 28th Aug, 2014
- offline last seen May 18th, 2017
Harmony771
Love mlp, im an adict i also love writing storys.. This website is my heaven
Harmony771
Joined 28th Aug, 2014 ·
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I thought this chapter was good. The problem was how fast the citizens resorted to cannibalism before help could.... actually I wouldn't put it past them.
more pls
And... no, no thank you.
well this premise is bullshit. seriously dude, fucking seriously, they wouldn't HURT spike! this is a non issue and you are triyn gto pretend it is one.
also the whole cannibalism thing is utter garbage dude. they are herbivores. even if things got busted and food was gone, they could eat grass and safer plants.
more so, why would a dragon attack ponyville? there is nothing that could compel it too. no food or treasures to steal, and nothing to test their strength.
You have a good idea but you need to EXPAND or do some more of it! It can fill some plot holes or give an explashion to what's going on.
Although I do like where you're going with it, and I think it would make for a pretty amazing story, Celestia would never hurt Spike! It just doesn't make any sense. Twilight hatched him, making her Celestia's student. Spike symbolizes Twlight beginning her studies with the princess. Celestia loves Twilight and knows Spike wouldn't hurt anyone on purpose. Spike even saved the Crystal Empire from Sombra!
And the cannibalism
it just will not do, especially this early in the story. And unless every single edible plant species died and ponies start becoming delirious from starvation over a long period of time or Pinkie's cupcakes start to become popular, cannibalism won't work at all.
And there are soooo many plot holes. I mean the way you just skipped to a dragon killing everypony, then Rarity and the CMC dying without much of an explanation. The story is escalating much too quickly for the reader to actually bond with the characters and understand what the heck's going on. You can't just dump all of this on us and expect us to easily comprehend it. I think you should change the plot to fit everponys' character a bit more and inform the reader about what's going down. Here's an idea I came up with that might help you. Either Celestia has been taken over by some evil spirit that's making her bitter or ponies don't trust any type of dragon and target Spike while Twilight and co. are trying to protect him. I think you can add in the rest.
Please, don't be offended, I'm only trying to help. Don't listen to mean comments either
Well you just caused this bullshit story to careen into the abyss and somehow getting suplexed right before it hit the bottom.
Did you think making this chrysalis would fix the issues with this story? It FAR from does that. Chrysalis could not overpower celestia under any circumstances. Even the situation in the show was largely luck for chrysalis. Even if she somehow gained shining armor's energy once again, there is no way she could just replace celestia without anyone knowing. Celestia been fighting things like chrysalis for a millenium. She would somehow have to get past luna, who can walk through dreams and know celestia too well, any possible defenses celestia set up after the invasion, and hwo knows what else.
Even with cadance it was probably luck. Ambushed her and threw her through a portal more than likely. Celestia would not be so easily captured though. She is far more powerful than cadance.
Seriously, what were you thinking?
what made you think this would ever be possible. Consider previous villains. all far more dangerous then Spike and Celestia spared them. I don't need to read this to downvote it. Celestia is OOC just from the description.
pre09.deviantart.net/75c0/th/pre/f/2015/043/3/b/he_is_not_my_dog__final__by_hillbe-d8hpsw9.jpg
The fan is on the high power setting!
To be more constructive, a story is about cause and effect. The causes should be in relation to the character and the effects of the actions be plausible.
Both are very much off in this story. The causes and the effect make no sense, and the plot relies far too much on things being convenient here and there.