While looking for a spell book, Twilight sees her old Smarty Pants doll and remembers the day when her brother gave her that doll.
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- Member Since 18th Mar, 2012
- offline last seen Jan 3rd, 2019
xxGamer101xx
Just some random person on the internet that writes stories about a show with ponies. I try not to suck at writing. Am I good at it? I don't know. I just do it for fun.
xxGamer101xx
Joined 18th Mar, 2012 ·
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I know that it's basically you're core, but the song lyrics really don't have a place in your narrative. They take away a reader's attention they force them to constantly jump in and out of the story. It's a good idea for a story though. I saw a few technical errors, but nothing glaring.
Your dialogue at the beginning was a little forced, but that's also easily fixable. Overall though; I do love your work.
This turned out pretty good.
so sweet it gave me diabeetus
I loved how you put the song lyrics for "BBBFF" in there.
597954
I love "BBBFF". It's one of my fav songs.
Another cute story! I like how you modified it from what I edited for you. What you originally had as the ending actually works better at the beginning. And interesting touch adding the lyrics from "BBBFF"!
Iresistably cute and ties perfectly in with the plot!
This story makes me regret not being able to give my sister something to keep her from being alone while I'm gone in the military (not gone yet. Leaving the 28th this month). Oh well, I'll just let her hold on to me through a never-ending memory. Good job on the story. I really enjoyed it.
Adieu~
I feel like a dick for doing this... But, the terrible person in me gives no fucks, so it balances itself out.
ts4.explicit.bing.net/images/thumbnail.aspx?q=4578023393657871&id=41d206646c792e40a17e6d1d193a787e&url=http%3a%2f%2fwww.myconfinedspace.com%2fwp-content%2fuploads%2f2011%2f04%2fbeaker-dont-give-a-fuck.jpg
Alright, so the beginning feels pretty forced. You went out and basically PUSHED the fact that Shining Armor gave her Smarty Pants. It would have been really nice if you expanded on that scene, gave the readers a greater understanding of why she cried so easily from the memory without just telling the readers what happened.
While the flow of the story is very good, I found that the way you opened up the conversation with Twilight and Shining Armor was very shallow. Maybe open the scene a little bit earlier, with Twilight not being able to sleep, but just lying in bed staring at the ceiling. It would be very nice to get a better grip on the change in emotions with Shining Armor as he explains to Twilight why he has to go. To make myself feel better, I'd like to tell you how much I loved the little part of this scene where Twilight finds out that Shining Armor has a crush on Cadence
Anyways, all in all I LOVED this fic. I just wanted to give a little bit of feed-back, but I think that I missed something I wanted to say. Anyways, nice fic, and I'm definitely going to be watching you. Like a hawk.
Edit:
I REMEMBER NOW! Enjoyed the use of BBBFF to the maximum power of infinity. It added a nice touch to the idea of how memorable this night was for them both.
598907
Thanks for the feedback and watch.
598347
Make your sister a photo book. That's like a never-ending memory.
This reminds me of how me and my brothers were years ago... kind of just makes you want to sit and think about everything somebody's done with his or her brothers and sisters, and reflect.
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
SO CUTE.
Someone's gotta make this an animation NOW.
It's so adorabley cute.
2074573
Aww, thanks.
2074928 You're very welcome.
No thumbs down? nice
2074928 I like your story. Hey want to check out my story Ace Combat: Divided Feelings?
How beautiful!
597840
I learned later not to use song lyrics in a story.
The story was written two years ago. I improved since then trust me