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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
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Holy shit, this is amazing. :D
Your description of the character makes me think about my battlemage from Skyrim. way he casts spells and such. Other then that, well done. you gained my full attention. Let's see how long you will be able to keep it that way.
game-debate.com/images/rig/332191/233066-.jpg
I've always been fond of the combination of frost and arcane elements
I like the blue laser
A rock the size of a human head isn't nearly big enough to be a boulder. Now if you meant a rock the size of a manticore's head maybe, but a human head definitely not a boulder.
I decided to read this because I saw that you have a 3:1 ratio of upvotes:downvotes, which is crap, but somehow have largely positive comments. Looking into it, I feel the need to make sure you don't think your God's gift to fimfiction with all the people calling you amazing.
So far, your biggest story telling error is that you overdescribed the character.
You don't need to be so descriptive, it's boring. Most of it I'll excuse because I'm assuming it's fun for readers familiar with Magicka to read exactly what equipment this guy has, but you shouldn't say the exact amount of money. 'I'm not rich, but I have a fair amount of money' or however much five gold, thirty silver and twenty two copper coins is would be better. It's less boring, and it gives readers unfamiliar with Magicka a sense of how much money he has. This isn't a terrible mistake, but it's something to keep in mind if you ever want to be really good at writing.
Hmmm, mixed feelings about this; I feel too much is said at the start for mundane things, while the battle scene is much more fluid.
I'll keep an eye on the later chapters to get a better idea.
When I saw the cover the first thing that came up to my mind was:
This needs an 8 bit adventure music to go along
6136334 u atr right, i pick shovel knights theme!
.......I'm not exactly impressed with the first chapter....
I feel like I'm in some on rail RPG game.......not a story that might interested me...let's see if there are any improvement...
6143425 well i like how its like a rp kinda server thingy... eh HERE HAVE A RANDOM BUT FUNNY THING here
Pretty good start. Let's see what happens next.
This sentence seems awkward, and I've bolded areas where wording can be changed to sound better. I'll write corrections in order of appearance.
"I found during my travels in my top right pouch"
"lock-picks in my"
"pouch, a few salted meats in"
"left pouch, and a flask of water"
After these changes, it would look like this:
Originally, there were unnecessary words, words that should not be there and words in the wrong order. Along with that, you are supposed to say "and" for the last thing in a list, unless the last thing has "while" before it, in which case it sounds better to put it in the last thing in the list before the "while."
Alright, there are sections that could sound better. Those are in bold.
"my leg starts burning"
"together, and while it's writhing"
"pain, I charge up a spell"
There was less in this, but the main err in this sentence was the redundancy of "my leg begins to start burning" and how it's not properly worded. To begin is to start, so you essentially said that your leg starts to start burning, so you can remove the "to start." If left as "begins," it would have to be changed to "my leg begins to burn," which could fit just as well as the other way I changed it.
Of course, examining the part where you talked about the bar section of the inn, I have to say this, the advice all authors should know, and the one I'm fairly certain you've learned since you wrote this about 1 and a half years ago: show don't tell. It could have looked like a fancy bar, it could have looked like a modern bar, it could have looked like a stingy hole in the ground, it could look run down, it could look like a plain wooden room. Honestly, you could just say that the bar section is filthy, stingy, clean, or just one descriptive word to guide minds instead of just calling it the bar section and it would be better.
0/10, MC didn't kill himself with his own magic 99% of the time
No plate helmet? disappointing!
The end. Our hero died an ignoble death in an alien land. Thank you for reading.
Yes I just added runescape music.
I get heavy DND and Runescape vibes from this...
10604671
Never played DnD and not a lot of Runscape. Based this off Magicka and my own world building.