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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Needs work... The last chapter featured them being still on the ship but now, all of a sudden they're back in Canterlot?
You need to work on the scene transition as well as the time frame that has passed.
I feel like there's a lot that happened in between that just wasn't addressed.
But that's just me.
6211482 Adrian passes out on the ship and woke back up in Canterlot. Probably about twelve hours passed. I try to keep the story to Adrian's perspective.
6211486 it would be useful though if you clarified the time, using a line break then saying something like 'twelve hours later' would help.
It would also be nice to see the POV of others while the main character is out, then filling him in on what happened while he was out of commission. Like for example:
Luna POV
As Adrian slept to recover his mana, our ships continued on to Canterlot with the mission a success.
Or something like that.
Another factor in a great story is the attention to details, not too much, but to give your audience a good idea of the general setting.
But like I said earlier, that's just me.
6211505 Ah. I'll keep that in mind. Thanks.
I think something is going to happen
You never fail to impress keep it up
Adrian should make a tree of healing, life, something similar to the tree of harmony. He would then be revered as a god to the changelings!!!! PRAISE ADRIAN!!!! What would happen to an object that is lodged inside a Changelings 'holes' once the subject begins to 'heal'? Would it just pop out or stick in the limb?
6212395 *shrugs* I dunno... Lets find out! *sticks a lit fire cracker in a hole on Chrysalis's arm and fire a healing beam at her...*
This Blueblood is already an improvement. Sometimes I dislike how some authors writes him as an ass.
6212617 I had people fooled that he was a douche when he first showed up! But the lies were blown away to reveal a proper Prince! I can't wait to introduce him to Rarity!
6212711 Strange enough; I like Blueblood if he's done right. He was an ass in the show but we could save him.* In a ridiculous hero voice*
6212711 yes the true prince thank you
I get to read a classic blue blood beat down (ignoring the 'it was a changeling' bit of course) AND he turns out to be a respectable individual? Hell the fuck yes.
7277138 Glad someone else feels that way.
6212617 will i do enjoy the one were he is better the ahole one with the beat down are still awesome
And you've definitely won back the respect and more. You characterized him well and excused his actions by making the asshole a changeling. Bravo.
this is the first fic were I'm rooting for Blueblood, despite me hating his guts.
7915160
oh hey your prof pic is Fenrir (i believe it is spelled)
This entire dialogue sounds like an Rpg talk sequence. Scripted and entirely disjointed from reality. Either stop asking 10 questions one after the other or write the questions in a coherent context.
I know the chapter is old and you had plenty of time to get better, I didn't mean anything negative. The scene just warranted a commentary, in a purely conscientious manner.