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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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nyeargh... damn cliffhanger. I look forward to seeing how well his... magicka... works against the magically resistant gryphons.
"A white man with a monocle, pale blue hair and moustache walks up to us. "So this must be the stallion the rumours say Princess Luna is courting." A white man with a monocle, pale blue hair and moustache says followed by a white woman with pink hair."
You could just say he instead. Good chapter by the way.
6139820 Oh whoops I'll fix that. Thanks for spotting it.
RANDOM GUARDS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! THEY WERE MY ONLY FRIENDS T^T
6139866 I WAS THE BEST STALLION TO BOTH OF THEIR WEDDINGS!!!!!
Well that just happened
There is only two outcomes from this
The spell kill the gryphon
Or the spell afects him but not severly
Mm, a rather enjoyable story though the pacing is a bit...non-existent, but not nearly enough to be troublesome. Few minor typos here and there {improper use of a word, getting 'where' and 'wear' mixed up} but nothing glaring. All in all an enjoyable read. I look forward to see where this goes. Tracked for now.
6140114 If you could, send me a PM with all the errors you spotted so I can fix them?
6140127 Will go over the first chapter real quick and see what I can dig up. Might take me a bit but I'll get back to you asap. :3 Also I'm like 20 some hours without sleep so if I screw up...probably Canada's fault.
6139887 I"LL MISS THEM BOTH SO MUCH TT^TT *cries loudly*
Please continue. If you don't continue, I will be very very sad.
In dialogue, you don't capitalize after the comma/exclamation point/question mark unless the sentence immediately following the dialogue is a new clause.
Ex:
Lore is not something you straight up tell your readers in the story description, they should be able to pick it up themselves in the narrative.
"I just met you and suddenly I love you" only works if the character is a dog in a Pixar movie, not an immortal night goddess.
It's alright to mindread Adrian based off of another of his species causing trouble a thousand years ago, but mindreading Blueblood is out of the question in spite of a mountain of circumstantial evidence (including the Captain of the Guard voicing his own suspicions on top of everything else)? Yeah, not buyin' it.
"Ye" is not archaic moonspeak for "you", it's interchangeable with "you all" (plural).
There are no omnivores, ever. Harry the Bear? Or a great many of Fluttershy's pets? Pigs and chickens are omnivores, by the way...
Look, your grammar's pretty good and your story concept is solid, you just really, really need an editor and maybe a coupla alpha readers to tell you, "No, man, stop. Not a good idea, there. Let's figure out a better way to do it so Adrian isn't a human Gary Stu Knight of Equestria that seduces a princess in less than a day on top of always coming out on top in battle, or at least with little to no realistic repercussions afterwards."
Bitches about to get fucked.
Ahh, a classic case of fremdschamen.
7103994
Imma beat a pussybird motherfucker with another pussybird motherfucker.
esto es esparta... digo equestria
I doubt this sincerely.
Edit: Honestly went even more sideways than I was expecting.
*A golden unicorn pops up from the back of the tables points of hoof at the Griffins and scream* Ho you fuck up now fool
Yes! I totally agree with that sentiment!