Celestia takes a midnight stroll, and makes a rendezvous with an old foe.
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- Member Since 13th May, 2012
- offline last seen Apr 5th, 2023
SheetGhost
I am a fan of MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC. I have written FANFICTION about MAGICAL MINIATURE HORSES. I should really RE-EXAMINE MY PRIORITIES IN LIFE.
SheetGhost
Joined 13th May, 2012 ·
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A well written short piece, no real dialogue but the emotions came across well.
Also.... FIRST!
(whistles)
This is an excellent piece. The language is keen and the emotion carried in it are portrayed excellently.
The little italic messages are the cherry on top, and the final two lines are just chilling.
Great work.
The language used in this was very engaging. Even with no proper written dialogue everything was conveyed very well and artistically. One thing, even though it's subject to debate I could've sworn it's spelt draconequus (latin for dragon horse or an approximation of the sort) but other than I can't find fault in this. Superb work.
Also the last line sent a chill running through my spine
Excellent one shot, especially with the suspense of the unfinished sentence about chaos.
"little more then a marching band."
Give this a quick edit and call it a day.
This is good I guess this takes place between the end of Season 1 and the star of Season 2.
Also there is one other thing that the guards could've thought of as a reason for Celestia being up and about at night, she might have to use the bathroom (after all who knows for long she has to stay in the sky with the sun).
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned that sometimes, even though they may try their hardest, one proofreader might not be sufficient. You should be careful and cultivate relationships with many proofreaders in order to hide the gaping chasm of your own ineptitude.
I also learned that you can overuse the word 'ancient' and it will fly under all your friend's radars. Truly, English is magic.
Your Ancient Ancient,
Ancient Archway
Oh....that's nice.
Small edit: "Lurking behind the laugher."
fim.413chan.net/fim/src/132880920895-132620001310.png
Very nice job! Sweet and to the point: an excellent short work.
My likes and suggestions for "About Midnight":
-I like the surprise reveal of Celestia's disheveled state. At first, we're made to dismiss the concerns of the royal ministers and guards as needless worry, but after realizing that the princess has been pacing her castle with "mane and tail ... in complete disarray, her feathers ... frayed, and her royal regalia ... resting in her bedroom", it becomes clear that she looks as nutty as the sleep-walking Lady Macbeth.
-I like the analysis of the frozen Discord's body language, and how he appears triumphant even in defeat.
-The first part of your story up to "Chaos is..." focuses heavily on details that nopony, not even an almighty alicorn, notices: the gradual decay of the castle. I wonder if the story would gain a boost of energy and urgency if you wrote Celestia as the only being able to discern the "painful magic" of time and weight and water. Recognizing the minute deterioration of her castle would give her a stronger motivation to re-visit the statue garden.
-"She had no particular destination in mind, but as she walked a pattern emerged, an underlying order. She knew where she was headed, though she didn't want to go." These two sentences directly contradict each other. On the one hoof, Celestia is wandering aimlessly, but on the other she declares a set destination. Is there another way you could describe her reluctance to visit Discord's statue?
690137
Thanks a lot for taking the time to make some constructive criticism. It really is appreciated and helps me improve as a writer.
Both of your criticisms are pretty on mark. While Celestia's uncertainty is supposed to be part of her dread, the uncertainty requires that she at least suspect, not remain ignorant. The rest of the examples have her suspecting that time and decay are working away at things. The lack of her recognition is an omission that deserves to be called out. I think what I was intending was that since the archways and the castle clearly represent Celestia herself, the character would remain ignorant of her own representative decay, as she was unaware of her own disheveled state, but this is a point that should have been expanded upon or else discarded in favor or narrative urgency and consistent theme. Especially considering it's the first and most powerful example and is used to draw in the reader.
The sentences you pointed out are contradictory, and should be reduced to one cohesive sentence. I think the issue was I had several different things I was trying to say, and jumbled them all together in a Frankensteinian monstrosity. I think I can fix this one pretty easily though. Good eye on catching it though.
Thank you for the compliments as well.
Very good story. You could make this very short if you wanted to, and work it into a larger story.
690137 I wonder if the story would gain a boost of energy and urgency if you wrote Celestia as the only being able to discern the "painful magic" of time and weight and water. Recognizing the minute deterioration of her castle would give her a stronger motivation to re-visit the statue garden.
This is a good idea. It could also spread that bit about the cracks out, splitting it into two parts, instead of clustering it all at the very beginning of the story, where it misleads us into thinking the cracks in the columns will play an important literal role. It's also a little tiresome after a paragraph when it's the only thing we've read so far.
>This was the closest Celestia would ever get to being alone in her gardens.
I think you meant, "Being in her gardens was the closest Celestia would ever get to being alone."
>trained to battle monsters that they could never conceive.
That has a dramatically different meaning than "trained to battle monsters that they could never conceive of."
Are you uploading from Google docs? You've got the "italics destroy linebreaks" bug in a couple of places.
2244663
Thanks for taking the time to comment and provide some constructive criticism. As far as working it into a larger story, I currently have nothing where it could fit. I toyed around with turning it into a series of one shots based on the premise of a break in schedule: Luna cavorting in the noon sun, Rainbow Dash missing her midafternoon nap, Rarity skipping her weekly spa visit, but decided against it due to lack of my own interest. I'll keep the thought in mind though.
-Re: The cracks, it's something that definitely could use revision, the second paragraph in particular is where it feels like I'm belaboring the point. I think at that point I was mostly just stalling as I figured out how to transition from what I felt was a solid opening section to the events at hand. I doubt I will do much revision though. It's been a while since I've looked at this work, much less thought about it.
-Awkward phrasing is often a problem of mine. That one slipped through, and as noted, this was back when I had a single prereader. I'll fix it.
- I think the original sentence contained of, and Office spelling and grammar correct stripped it for ending with a preposition. Any way I can think of to move the of to a more traditional position just sounds pretentious or overwrought. I'll just stick the of back in there and consider the style rule bendable.
I use Office, and find this bug odd. Last I saw the formatting on this was correct, but that was a couple months ago. I'll fix it.
Thanks for taking the time to comment.