• Member Since 25th Aug, 2014
  • offline last seen Apr 24th, 2015


I love MLP and drawing and writing. My fave out of the mane 7: Sunset Shimmer. Mane 6: Rainbow Dash. My brother is: BronySoldier98

Comments ( 1 )

It's not bad... It has potential. But it's waaaay too rushed. You need to spend time having the characters get to know one another better. Especially those last few scenes. You have so much potential that was either wasted or missed out on entirely. You mention a sleepover, then they wake up the next morning in the same bed. Okay, how? Why? Show, don't tell.

Are you friends with the other 5

Here, actually write 'five' instead of just using the number. It doesn't look right and feels lazy.

That evening, we were once again at the rocks. Sugar had found an old telescope and brought it with us.

This, you could dedicate a small sentence or even a paragraph of Sugar either digging up the telescope from her home, or borrowing it from somepony.

Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." I said, doing the gestures that went along with it. Sugar did the same. "It's something Pinkie came up with."

And this, I don't remember, but does Pinkie ever do the Promise in front of Coco? If you have bit of backstory that she did, either mention it, of just drop the Pinkie Promise entirely. It would be fine to have Coco make a regular promise.

Also, put a space whenever a new person talks, otherwise you get a big wall of text that is difficult to read. Eg.

"Um, Hello." I say shyly. "My name's Coco Pommel. What's yours?"

"Hi!" she looks up at me and smiles. "My name's Sugar Belle! What brings you here?"

"My friend, Rarity, told me about this town." I replied. "I-just wanted to clarify that her story is true." I pulled Rarity's letter out of my bag.

"Shhh!" Sugar Belle shushes me. "Somepony might hear you! Let's talk about this tonight."

"Why can't any-"

"We aren't aloud to talk about the incident around here. Meet me out of town behind those rocks over there tonight!" she whispered and pointed to 2 large rocks. I nodded and walked away, kind of confused. Hadn't she just answered my question? She told me 'the incident', so I would have thought that meant yes, Rarity was telling the truth. Oh, well. I might as well just meet her tonight, anyway.

See. Looks much nicer~

Still like I said, this ship has potential for massive doses of cuteness, you just gotta polish it a bit. I hope my critique wasn't too harsh. Just trying to lend a hand.

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