Lyra has always asked Twilight for assistance on her human research project much to Twilight's chagrin. All evidence points that humans do not exist in Equestria but Twilight doesn't tell Lyra that she has a magic portal that leads to another world that suggest otherwise.
One day, Lyra finds the Crystal Mirror in the new castle library, the same one Twilight uses to meet her friends at Canterlot High. Once Lyra finds a way to open the portal, she discovers a whole new world beyond her imagination. After realizing what Lyra has done, now Twilight in her horror and disbelief must bring Lyra back before anything bad happens.
This is my submission for the "The Most Dangerous Game 2 Contest", and my first attempt at writing a fanfiction or story ever.
HOORAY FOR FAN FORCED PERSONALITIES THAT MAKE NO SENSE!
Why would a portal to another world mean humans in Equestria?
You'd think a portal to another world would be kept under good security
How does Lyra know that?
Except that if fan personalities are anything to go on, this new world is going to be EXACTLY how she imagines it.
Twilight finally puts some security on that shit?
So close!
This story had potential, until you used the whole "Lyra obsessed with humans" trope.
So, I find it fitting to give this to you.
media.tumblr.com/73b1bc53b9e80b65888ddfa38674e7d4/tumblr_inline_mnp0vwpMTM1qz4rgp.png
@XangelMusic...
Since this is your first fan-fiction, I try not to be too harsh. So keep in mind that this comment-post bears no malice towards you.
1. Technical Writing... You can have the greatest story-premise in all of Equestria, but if your Technical Writing (grammar, spelling, tense, format, etc.) is poor &/or sloppy, your story is dead before being finished read.
2. Descriptive Writing... Much like what Hatty_Hattington pointed out, most of your story is "this happens! and that happens! and this happens because of my head-canon! (or this meme/trope)" You are not telling a story here, you are throwing your thoughts at the readers and telling them to fill-in the blanks, and that kills reader investment. The Author is supposed to tell the story and paint the narrative picture for the readers, not make the readers do the work.
3. I would strongly advise recruiting an Editor &/or Proofreader(s) to help with your writing and storytelling.
For finding an Editor &/or Proofreaders here on FimFiction...
~ a. Looking for Editors
~ b. The Proofreaders Group
As a general rule for writing, you should only have one Editor, but you can have multiple Proofreaders.
/
4. It is fine if you want to make use of Lyra Heartstrings' trope about being human-obsessed; the "trick" is not throw it in the face of the audience like a bucket of confetti. This is the proverbial, and often referred to, "show, don't tell" aspect of good storytelling.
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
Overall, you need a LOT of work to improve your writing skills. I will grant you that small bit of leeway of "first fan-fiction" and not Dislike, but you are far from earning a Like, as well.
So take this first fan-fiction as a learning experience and keep working forward to improve.
5544482 - it's an entry for the More Most Dangerous Game 2 Contest, so the story is a twist on the fandom classic Anthropology. The use of that trope is entirely intentional. :)
Your tenses are all over the place which makes this a bit difficult to read. Stick to past tense always. If you use present tense in your narration, it sounds like you, personally, are narrating this as it's happening (rather like the movie 300), which I don't think is the effect you intended to go for.
ooooooooooooooooooh XD
I can totally see what you were trying to do with this fic and I really like it as a concept. You just need to brush up your writing skills to better convey the ideas you have.
The most immediate problem, as I said earlier, is tense. You have to be consistent - if you're not, people will keep getting pulled out of the story by the jarring effect it creates, and will find it too much effort to continue.
Pacing is the other major issue. The story races past with a bunch of 'things happening' but it never really slows down to allow the reader to take any of that in. It's difficult for a reader to keep the current situation straight in their head - a load of characters are running around doing things but we don't really know why. None of them seem to stop and think about anything. Pacing a story is one of the most difficult aspects of writing and comes with practice.
There's a bunch of smaller issues - a few instances of strange wording where it's hard to understand what you were trying to say. A prereader could help you catch these.
Mainly I feel that the story should really be focusing on Lyra a lot more. It doesn't have to be first person, but the way the story is presented makes it seem like Lyra is the protagonist, yet we never really get a good idea of what she's doing or why she's doing it. She's just kind of there because she has to drive the story forward, rather than being a character we can relate to.
Things I did like: the side-by-side Lyra/Twilight and Sunset/Twilight scenes were good. They provided a much needed change of pace and also some actual relatable character moments and interpersonal conflict. I also liked the ending, which I thought was a great sequel hook. Heck, I wanna see how those two get on. ^^
5545476
5544698
Thanks for your opinions and recommendations, they will help me a lot to better convey a story. I do agree with them although I'm still trying to figure out what exactly I did wrong, or what was I thinking or doing when I made this story. This story is meant for the Anthropology prompt in "The Most Dangerous Game 2" competition and when the idea came to me I thought why not?
The concept would be: Lyra finds the portal to the human world (Equestria Girls), Twilight chases after Lyra and hilarity ensues. Problem was I'm not exactly good with humour, or writing for that matter, then I realised this idea was a lot more work than I thought, not well within the limits of the competition. I admit this was rushed and I was getting irritated with the pacing and the tense.
Those scenes with Lyra/Twilight and Sunset/Twilight is where I put the most effort and I do feel they have been fleshed out well. Yeah, this story was not well executed, not even Lyra's character was developed. Oh well. I still want to write this story again. The idea is still too good to pass up.
P.S. @pendrake72 you can dislike my story if want. It shows my true worth as a writer. I do want to convey stories properly and I can't do that if I don't learn how.
5547327 - no problem, keep at it! Reading always helps, and never feel discouraged to publish even if you're not sure about it. The more you practice, the better you get. You can always try for smaller stories too - if you start small, it's less work for you (although that doesn't mean it's easier - short stories are still hard to write!) and people will be more likely to give the story a look, too.
Human Twilight is confused. And with good reason.
Wow, I was sure Twilight was going to drag Lyra back like a KGB agent kidnapping a USSR defector.
Okay. I won't deny, this isn't the best story I've read, but that said, it's not bad. Same general suggestions as above.
You've got potential.
This will end in tree sap. Lots and lots of tree sap.
It's always nice to get an obscure joke like that, with Twilight's singing voice being provided by Sunset's VA. I wonder why Tara Strong doesn't sing, anyways.
I'm a little bit surprised that Sunset didn't clue in right away with Lyra's strange mannerisms, particularly given that Twilight just built a deus ex machina automatic portal device earlier during Rainbow Rocks.
You know, girls, given that it's not exactly a secret that magic exists at Canterlot High anymore, just go to Principal Celestia and/or Veep Luna and get them to make an intercom announcement. Instead, this will surely lead to more Lyra and Lyra hijinks.
This chapter could have used a little bit more Lyra introspection. After she finds out her alternate self is obsessed with aliens, she could have taken a moment while reading in the library to reflect on how they both have their obsessions, just with different items (and magical pastel ponies living in an alternate dimension could probably fit in for 'aliens').
You know, chick magnet is usually an euphemism. In Brad's case, he's literally a magnet for girls. How else do you explain the fact that they keep seeming to run into him? Of course, Lyra's little scene with Flash Sentry sets up for Flash's confrontation with Twilight later, which is absolutely HILARIOUS. It's probably a little bit disturbing for him to consider Twilight crushed on his alternate self, too (especially since there wasn't any organic beginning between Twilight and his alternate self, who really has done nothing during the films or show except bump into her twice and be an occasional cameo).
And then Lyra hits Twilight pretty hard at the end of the chapter with that speech. She has more than a little point, given concerns for national security seem to be non-existent. Not to mention it's not like there's any law against travelling to another dimension either, so Twilight probably doesn't even have legal hoofing to stand on.
That's actually the first time I've seen an explanation like that for Lyra's obsession with humans, originating from the lyre and how it doesn't seem to really fit together with hooves unless you have external magic to use to play it. Of course, friendship is a constant in both worlds, so it makes a rather fitting symbolism for the other Twilight to give her a speech on what she did wrong and right and how to make up.
Needless to say though that now that Lyra knows about the human world, she'll be coming back from time to time. It's not like Twilight can really give her one absolutely good reason not to, at least not if Twilight herself makes the occasional trip.
And the end.
Well, more ponies than just Twilight and Sunset coming to Canterlot High, or anybody from CHS going to Equestria has always fascinated me as an idea (and heck, I even made a fic out of it). Lyra is simply the most obvious one. I've seen Yukito do a Trixie one, and there are some more out there, but I haven't done it too much.
Of course, there's always the benefit of cultural exchange. Lyra importing technology back to Equestria, human Lyra learning how to use magic with her horn...
You're mixing tenses in the same sentence and you're doing it in the third paragraph in your story. Not a good sign.
http://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/Iron_Will
Downvoted for overall poor quality. Despite the concept being good, I just don't find this engaging.
7376975
Well, this was my first fic and its a bad story overall, so no harm done
So normal gravity is optional now?
are you talking about this
https://www.deviantart.com/uotapo/art/AWESOME-VOICE-452318086
you no when i first watched Equestria girls it got me thinking.
in Equestria Spike is a dragon and Rarity is a unicorn and seeing Equestrian dragons are just as intelligent of ponies Spike and Rarity being a couple shouldn't really be so worrisome, so long as you don't think about the fact that Spike is just a baby in dragon years.
but then we look at this world were Spike is a dog and Rarity is a human.. well that just makes thing beyond complicated.
if i'm honest seeing Lyra in Equestria is into humans i always assumed that the Lyra in this world wold be into unicorns.
how dose Octavia now Sweetie Drops her real name? Bon Bon is a false name she made to hide the fact she secretly works for a top secret spy organisation.
7376977
Well I think you did a good job, the stories ending dose have a friendship lesson about keeping secrets from your best friends.
It's an interesting premise to start with, but needs a bit of work to tighten up the story line. Also, there's a lot of grammatical problems that need to be corrected. But overall, not bad, keep working at it!