Chapter 7: Alien!
Lyra makes it to Canterlot High. Students were loitering around so it must be lunchtime. For what it’s worth getting lost wasn’t such a bad experience. She was able to meet Human Twilight and better yet was able to recognise her won misdeeds. She just needs to find Twilight and apologise.
“I knew it!”
Barely halfway between the statue and the school’s front entrance Lyra quickly turns around to witness another happening. Herself!
“Alien!”
Lyra jumps on top of Lyra, convinced that Lyra is an alien come to replace Lyra. Her other self is strong, which made Lyra happy at the fact but it doesn’t help win the battle. As she struggles against her other self, Lyra attempts to speak to her.
“Woah, hold on there.”
“No, you hold on!”
“No you!"
“No you!”
This is hopeless. All they’re doing is having a tennis match for which Lyra should stop. Lyra then plans to use the only trump card she knows.
“I’m not an alien but I came from a different world!”
Her other self stops still grasping onto Lyra hands. She gets up allowing Lyra to raises herself up. Her other self glares at Lyra wondering whether she is lying. Lyra knows too well her other self is thinking.
“It’s true. I came from the same world as Twilight Sparkle.”
“Seriously?” Her other self seems to be anticipating something, Lyra could sense from her. It hits Lyra exactly what her other self wants.
“Lyra.” Woah, it feels weird calling her name like that. “I have an idea.”
*****
It was nearly the end of lunch and Twilight and her friend couldn’t believe their eyes. Lyra was fighting with Lyra. Everyone dashes towards them, although everyone except Twilight seem really eager to catch up. And catch them.”
“Got ya!”
Rainbow Dash and Applejack, and Rarity and Sunset Shimmer held down the two Lyras not giving them a chance to escape. But then is the predicament as Fluttershy flatly points out.
“So which Lyra is which?” Everyone groans in response. After everything that Twilight had to go through she really couldn’t take any more.
“Ok you two! Which one is the real Lyra? Are you the real Lyra!? Or is it you imposter!?”
“Pinkie, they’re both real.”
“Oh, yeah.”
“Hehe, guess you have to take the both of us.”
“Yeah, the both of us.”
Twilight raises her eyebrow. What exactly is Lyra planning? But before Twilight can figure out anything, the two Lyras look straight ahead towards the school. Twilight follows them and sees Bon Bon witnessing an unfathomable scene.
“Bon Bon, don’t–”
And without warning, Bon Bon drops to the floor.
“What’s with the fainting? Everyone has seen much stranger things before,” Rainbow Dash retorted.
While Fluttershy attends to the fallen Bon Bon, Twilight steps forward the two Lyras. It feels strange looking at the two of them completely identical, including their choice of clothing. Even if the concept of twins is a known phenomenon, what’s occurring before her was not the case. Even so she has to do it.
“I’m sorry, Lyra.” The two of them look up at her wondering what she’s talking about. “I didn’t treat you like a friend. I treat like you were a bothersome pony and I just didn’t care enough to focus on your project, or even try to be your friend. I hope you believe me when I say that you are my friend, Lyra. And if you’re willing to believe me then I’m willing to believe you too. I didn’t tell you about this world because I didn’t want to you to know about it. There may have been other reasons why you weren’t allowed to come here, and serious reasons at that, but that not the case with you how I treated you. I really want to start over with you, Lyra.”
The Lyra on the left being held by Applejack and Rainbow Dash began to stand, from which both of them let go. She looks straight into Twilight’s determined to express her own feelings.
“I’m sorry, too. I was acting like a child. When I found out about this world, I couldn’t help myself. I’m sorry for all the things I said before. I was just angry, you know? I’m really sorry, Twilight.”
The girls look on in astonishment; even the other Lyra smiles at this development. Both Twilight and Lyra smile at one another realising their efforts have not been in vain.
“Listen, Lyra, can I ask you come home, please? It is for a good reason.”
“Sure thing.” Lyra then turns to her other self. “It’s really good to meet you Lyra.”
“You too, Lyra.”
It is the end and finally the end, Twilight thought in relief. As lunchtime comes to a close, Twilight and Lyra say their farewells, including Bon Bon who is still confused upon the two Lyras before her. She eventually gets used to the idea that there is another world with a different Lyra. And like before, Sunset hugs Twilight warmly in a deeper embrace than everyone else.
“Come back soon, ok?”
“I will. I’ll definitely come to your concert this Sunday.”
“We’ll be waiting.”
Twilight, Spike and Lyra stand before the portal and each enter the portal without any worries.
*****
“It’s good to be back, Spike.”
“I’ll say. That was a lot of work.”
The library was just how they left it. Books still scattered, across the floor and several tables, and the doors still open when Twilight first entered them. The only differences were the two ponies standing before them being Fluttershy and Lyra.
“Welcome back, Twilight.”
“Hey Fluttershy. I’m really sorry to call you on such short notice.”
“It’s ok, Twilight. I’m just glad to help.”
Twilight motions forward to witness Lyra looking up at everything around her.
“You, ok?”
“Huh? Yeah I’m fine. Just dandy!” Twilight passes it off as nothing to worry about. It is Lyra after all and they had just made up as friends which is all well and good.
Twilight levitates Sunset’s journal from the pedestal on top of the mirror, which suddenly vibrates mid-spell. It’s quite unusual for Sunset for to contact her so quickly without further adieu she opens it to the last written page.
“I’m gonna start on dinner, Twilight. I’ll call you when it’s done.”
Twilight didn’t hear Spike who was eyeing at Lyra attempting to go through those doors. She quickly closes them before Lyra was able to leave. Lyra jumps as the doors to the library suddenly close on each other. She turns back to see Twilight cocking her head up in a stern manner. Lyra wasn’t the only one since Spike and Fluttershy also had no idea what Twilight was doing.
“Twilight?” Spike speaks up.
Twilight motions closer to Lyra and asks her an important request.
“Open the doors with your horn.”
Lyra did observe Twilight levitating the book with her horn. So it shouldn’t be that hard. That is until despite her efforts, Lyra could not produce a single ounce of magic. Spike does a face palm upon the incompetency right before them.
“How did you know?”
“I didn’t. Sunset Shimmer was the one who realised it.”
Twilight opens her journal to the same page she had just read, with the words “Did Lyra say ‘child’ or 'filly'?” inscribed on it.
“Oh…”
“Yup, that was your mistake. And it’s my fault I didn’t realise it sooner.”
“Sorry…”
“Why did you come here, Lyra?”
“I’ve always been interested in aliens and this is closest thing I get to experience an alien world. It’s a once in a lifetime chance after all and I didn’t want to lose this one chance. You’re not angry, are you?”
Twilight contemplates for a moment but offers Lyra’s counterpart a gentle smile. “Actually, I’m not. Tell you what, Lyra. Let me think of something.”
*****
Lyra was sitting on the bench once this time held down by Applejack and Rainbow Dash. Lunchtime has already passed but the situation calls for it. After Sunset realised the Lyra here right now was from Equestria, the girls didn’t hesitate to capture Lyra once again. Bon Bon was with them worried upon the whereabouts of her best friend.
Sunset’s journal vibrates. Skimming through its pages she arrives at the last written page and laughs so loud that it catches everyone’s attention.
Sunset motions before Lyra and shows her Twilight’s inscription.
Let’s let them have their fun.
Below it was the contact number for Lyra’s parents in this world. Lyra couldn’t believe her eyes. Is Twilight actually serious?
“You can borrow my phone, Lyra. You’re gonna be talking to our Lyra’s parents so don’t get surprised when talk to them, ok?”
“What should I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re going to be staying over a friend’s house a couple of days. And Twilight and I we’re that would be you, Sweetie Drops.”
“What? Why me?”
“Please, Bon Bon?” Lyra holds her hand in anticipation. “I am best friends with the Bon Bon in my world, and I really want to get to know you.”
“Our Lyra suggests it as well.”
Stunned by their sudden request, Bon Bon eventually agrees prompting a bear hug from the overreacting Lyra.
Once Sunset dials the number into her phone, Lyra holds it against her ear. She almost flipped when she hears a recognisable voice on the other end of the line. Like everything else that happen today, this is another weird strange occurance for Lyra, talking to her parents in this world who sound exactly as Lyra imagined. Once the call was done, with her ‘father’ agreeing to Lyra’s sleepover, Sunset strokes Lyra’s back.
“So, are you ready?”
“I am.”
“Are you ready, Lyra?”
“I am, Twilight.”
“Well then, Lyra. Welcome to Equestria.”
“Well then, Lyra. Welcome to Canterlot High.”
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HOORAY FOR FAN FORCED PERSONALITIES THAT MAKE NO SENSE!
Why would a portal to another world mean humans in Equestria?
You'd think a portal to another world would be kept under good security
How does Lyra know that?
Except that if fan personalities are anything to go on, this new world is going to be EXACTLY how she imagines it.
Twilight finally puts some security on that shit?
So close!
This story had potential, until you used the whole "Lyra obsessed with humans" trope.
So, I find it fitting to give this to you.
media.tumblr.com/73b1bc53b9e80b65888ddfa38674e7d4/tumblr_inline_mnp0vwpMTM1qz4rgp.png
@XangelMusic...
Since this is your first fan-fiction, I try not to be too harsh. So keep in mind that this comment-post bears no malice towards you.
1. Technical Writing... You can have the greatest story-premise in all of Equestria, but if your Technical Writing (grammar, spelling, tense, format, etc.) is poor &/or sloppy, your story is dead before being finished read.
2. Descriptive Writing... Much like what Hatty_Hattington pointed out, most of your story is "this happens! and that happens! and this happens because of my head-canon! (or this meme/trope)" You are not telling a story here, you are throwing your thoughts at the readers and telling them to fill-in the blanks, and that kills reader investment. The Author is supposed to tell the story and paint the narrative picture for the readers, not make the readers do the work.
3. I would strongly advise recruiting an Editor &/or Proofreader(s) to help with your writing and storytelling.
For finding an Editor &/or Proofreaders here on FimFiction...
~ a. Looking for Editors
~ b. The Proofreaders Group
As a general rule for writing, you should only have one Editor, but you can have multiple Proofreaders.
/
4. It is fine if you want to make use of Lyra Heartstrings' trope about being human-obsessed; the "trick" is not throw it in the face of the audience like a bucket of confetti. This is the proverbial, and often referred to, "show, don't tell" aspect of good storytelling.
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
Overall, you need a LOT of work to improve your writing skills. I will grant you that small bit of leeway of "first fan-fiction" and not Dislike, but you are far from earning a Like, as well.
So take this first fan-fiction as a learning experience and keep working forward to improve.
5544482 - it's an entry for the More Most Dangerous Game 2 Contest, so the story is a twist on the fandom classic Anthropology. The use of that trope is entirely intentional. :)
I can totally see what you were trying to do with this fic and I really like it as a concept. You just need to brush up your writing skills to better convey the ideas you have.
The most immediate problem, as I said earlier, is tense. You have to be consistent - if you're not, people will keep getting pulled out of the story by the jarring effect it creates, and will find it too much effort to continue.
Pacing is the other major issue. The story races past with a bunch of 'things happening' but it never really slows down to allow the reader to take any of that in. It's difficult for a reader to keep the current situation straight in their head - a load of characters are running around doing things but we don't really know why. None of them seem to stop and think about anything. Pacing a story is one of the most difficult aspects of writing and comes with practice.
There's a bunch of smaller issues - a few instances of strange wording where it's hard to understand what you were trying to say. A prereader could help you catch these.
Mainly I feel that the story should really be focusing on Lyra a lot more. It doesn't have to be first person, but the way the story is presented makes it seem like Lyra is the protagonist, yet we never really get a good idea of what she's doing or why she's doing it. She's just kind of there because she has to drive the story forward, rather than being a character we can relate to.
Things I did like: the side-by-side Lyra/Twilight and Sunset/Twilight scenes were good. They provided a much needed change of pace and also some actual relatable character moments and interpersonal conflict. I also liked the ending, which I thought was a great sequel hook. Heck, I wanna see how those two get on. ^^
5545476
5544698
Thanks for your opinions and recommendations, they will help me a lot to better convey a story. I do agree with them although I'm still trying to figure out what exactly I did wrong, or what was I thinking or doing when I made this story. This story is meant for the Anthropology prompt in "The Most Dangerous Game 2" competition and when the idea came to me I thought why not?
The concept would be: Lyra finds the portal to the human world (Equestria Girls), Twilight chases after Lyra and hilarity ensues. Problem was I'm not exactly good with humour, or writing for that matter, then I realised this idea was a lot more work than I thought, not well within the limits of the competition. I admit this was rushed and I was getting irritated with the pacing and the tense.
Those scenes with Lyra/Twilight and Sunset/Twilight is where I put the most effort and I do feel they have been fleshed out well. Yeah, this story was not well executed, not even Lyra's character was developed. Oh well. I still want to write this story again. The idea is still too good to pass up.
P.S. @pendrake72 you can dislike my story if want. It shows my true worth as a writer. I do want to convey stories properly and I can't do that if I don't learn how.
5547327 - no problem, keep at it! Reading always helps, and never feel discouraged to publish even if you're not sure about it. The more you practice, the better you get. You can always try for smaller stories too - if you start small, it's less work for you (although that doesn't mean it's easier - short stories are still hard to write!) and people will be more likely to give the story a look, too.
Okay. I won't deny, this isn't the best story I've read, but that said, it's not bad. Same general suggestions as above.
You've got potential.
And the end.
Well, more ponies than just Twilight and Sunset coming to Canterlot High, or anybody from CHS going to Equestria has always fascinated me as an idea (and heck, I even made a fic out of it). Lyra is simply the most obvious one. I've seen Yukito do a Trixie one, and there are some more out there, but I haven't done it too much.
Of course, there's always the benefit of cultural exchange. Lyra importing technology back to Equestria, human Lyra learning how to use magic with her horn...
7376975
Well, this was my first fic and its a bad story overall, so no harm done
7376977
Well I think you did a good job, the stories ending dose have a friendship lesson about keeping secrets from your best friends.
It's an interesting premise to start with, but needs a bit of work to tighten up the story line. Also, there's a lot of grammatical problems that need to be corrected. But overall, not bad, keep working at it!