In search of glory, riches and a harem of amorous hens, Gillet must start from the ground up if he's to achieve the same level of fame as the celebrity Talons of old.
Chapters (9)
Popcorn Chicken
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This story has griffins, that's a plus.
This is actually really interesting. Very original and it can go a lot of places like this.
Also Griffons cuz all of my yes.
~Reggie
This deserves more attention. Also a tad of editing; not much, just a few skipped words.
Now this is how you do a prologue!
The chapter slips up on grammar at times, but it more than makes up for those faults with its eccentric style. Though told from a third person perspective, the narration seems to carry the likeness of a passionate movie lover, much like our protagonist. No description is left dull or repetitive; there is always a bizarre or novel twist on ordinary details. Disregarding whether they worked or not, these additions of flair really give life to a genre that takes itself too seriously to experiment with style.
Right from the opening, I can see a grand adventure unfolding, one that wants to make the most of its fun, spirited premise!
Shuffler and Adder are lovely characters. Every line of dialogue they shared was just a treat that had me grinning. Not to mention, their chemistry was just pronounced enough to properly hint at what was in Shuffler's lock box.
Then the transition over to Gillet's mother... the armor-piercing question at the end and what preceded it... There's just so much to praise in this chapter!
The only problem I could address would be the apparent oversight of a young griffon making its way up to the cloud cover. The two pegasi mentioned outposts existing to prevent this sort of intrusion, and it is a wonder how no Enclave personnel managed to see Gillet.
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Cheers for the positive comments. Editing is something I will improve in the future.
Aw Man, This was good I just wish there was more to it.
I hope you'll continue this some way I would love to hear more.
~Reggie
Hey there, quick question. The story have an epilogue, but is does still say that it is incomplete. Is that incomplete an oversight or?
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An oversight on my part. I don't use Fimfiction a lot.
I cannot say I am not disappointed. I was invested in seeing this character take the wasteland by storm! There were possibilities abound to take a film-loving griffin with the need for adventure, and the writing was clever enough to make full use out of the concept.
However, I did enjoy the story up to now. The experience was definitely one worth the disappointment. Any problems I spotted were usually quickly forgotten thanks to the vivacious characterization, witty dialogue, and enthusiastic narration.
Albeit, due to the short length and time skips, I found there were more great concepts abandoned than pursued. Gillet noticeably does not change at all in personality or mindset from fledgling to young adult. Several chapters could have been implemented to demonstrate that Gillet was capable of reconnecting to reality: a lesson in training, an encounter with an experienced wastelander, moments that impact his cinema-driven conscience. Though the character is enjoyable regardless, it is hard to reconcile that lack of development with his enthusiasm and naivety.
If you ever decide to continue Gillet's story via prose, then I would love to see his character go through arcs and make friends with others who are not so optimistic and idealistic. He is at the core of everything that makes this story so wonderful.
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Thanks for reading. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
>>Albeit, due to the short length and time skips, I found there were more great concepts abandoned than pursued. Gillet noticeably does not change at all in personality or mindset from fledgling to young adult. Several chapters could have been implemented to demonstrate that Gillet was capable of reconnecting to reality: a lesson in training, an encounter with an experienced wastelander, moments that impact his cinema-driven conscience. Though the character is enjoyable regardless, it is hard to reconcile that lack of development with his enthusiasm and naivety.
This was something I was aware of and I attempted to address it in Date-ed, but I had to balance that with that fact that Gillet enters the campaign like this (which is common in a meta-sense; most characters start as somewhat two-dimensional and are fleshed out the long they're played). Rest assured, Gillet does learn some hard Wasteland lessons. Some bad and good, but never abandons his naive, enthusiastic and cinematic core.
I appreciate your criticism and it's something I'll consider should attempt to write something in the future.
I like this. You have captured my attention, and earned yourself a favorite.
Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)
How did Gillet's foray into PnP heroism go?
A bit on the short side, but I like it!
Benefit of the doubt? Pfff! It was a perfectly fine chapter, perfectly capturing an action movie, giving us right what it says on the tin! No powering through here, and anyone that says differently are clearly lying or did not know what they went into. Reminds me about a review that I once saw of a movie called "Ninja Assassin" where the reviewer complained about the amount of over the top violence... Thats like flagging a porno for nudity!
With so many FoE stories there are around am I actually keeping my distance from completed works, wanting to motivate those still writing with my words, but I am happy that I took a change with this story, because damn it is a good read and I can't wait to see where we are going next!
Nitpicks: This is where my pre-reader brain comment on stuff
"protected and obscured only by a thin layer of mist did stand something and it refused to budge." I think that a few words have gotten mixed around "did something stand"
" he lifted his hoof into the air and brought it to bear on fog-wrapped figure and barked an order in a harsh," Feels like you are lacking a "the" here
" He fell to ground" Again, feels like you are lacking a "the", but could also just be me and my Danish eyes.
"“Try one.”" Since the rest of her speech have been in italic, and it seems like most of your speech so far is written in it as well, are you right now putting the pressure on the "try" and not the "one"
"a confident grin spreading across his lips as an underling held and ornate revolver up to him." an
Ohh what fun old timey figurine playtime is. Its nice to see that kids can be kids even in the wasteland, so many other stories give child characters bad lives just to pull at our heartstrings, so its nice seeing a proper kid for once.
Nitpicks:
"running as if rad-roach was just inches from the brown tassel at the end of his tail. " Forgetting a the
"propelling himself high and high with each spring of the mattress. " Higher and higher
" but launching himself from the bed and seeing if he could make it to a pile of pillows stacked the corner" In the corner
I must admit... I awwed at the story... More than once. Its the first time that a FOE story did that to me
Nitpick
"a rigid government determined keep everything clean" Someone stole your "to"
Welp, I did not expect that we would get the moms viewpoint as well, but damn was it effective!
Nitpicks:
"he thick ropes around my wrists and hindlegs weren’t going to budge anytime soon and I couldn’t twist my talons around the slash at them." Should properly been a "to"
" the glow of her yellow magic fading the from the door knob." You have two words mixed up here.
"I ducked through the hole just as a kitchen knives telekinetically rained around me. I spread my wings to catch some lift" if you put "worth of" in here would fit your style pretty well so far I can see
“Pretty big.” Someone ate the line of space after this sentence.
"I chuckled softly as my son drooled on jacket sleeve." I feel like there are missing a word here.
"“It hatched? " Someone stole the " at the end here.
i.imgur.com/woy7cJR.gif
Sigh how I envy people that can gather players that put as much thought and energy into the backstory of their characters as you have
Ok, this is pretty good. The grammar could probably use another pass, but this is six years on, so I'll live with it. I like getting to see this kid use his imagination like he does, and am curious where this will go.
D'aaaawwwww. So cute!
Aw. I was hoping for an entire story. Well, as player character backstories go, this was fantastic. Super entertaining and well thought-out. I hope the game you played him in went well and lasted long. And, ya know, he lived to tell the tall tale.