• Member Since 15th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen May 18th

SkyeSilverwing


E

With Lyra missing under mysterious circumstances, Bonbon turns to Harry Dresden, a Professional Wizard and Supernatural Investigator for help in finding her. Something is definately going on at Canterlot High, but Harry is too old to go undercover, so it is up to his apprentice, Molly Carpenter, to go undercover, find out what happened to Lyra, and uncover the truth about the goings on in Canterlot High before it can happen again.
Occurs after the events of "White Night" in Jim Butcher's "Dresden Files" Series

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 28 )

The year is ending and a new Dresden story appears. Awesome way to conclude the year.

I liked Molly's interaction with the Mane 5 so far (albeit without Fluttershy) and her confrontation with Sunset was awesome. I also liked how Harry comforted Luna and she he ends up developing a slight attraction towards him based on her hip movement (too bad he's with Luccio at the time). The Circle idea is great and I liked the different characters that comprised them. Overall, I hope the next chapter comes soon because this story just earned a like and a fav from me.
Forgot to ask something. Will Thomas appear in this story?

I am both amused and highly intrigued :)

This is the first Dresden cross over other than Chengar Cordath's that I've actually liked. Write more!

Hmm... sounds like Celestia is something, and has some awareness of Sunset's power, judging by that last comment. Making the unicorns practitioners is a cool touch.

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Tried it, find it meh and couldn't get into it. Have been giving it another try lately to finish it but I still don't think it's that great

At this point, this story feels like a couple of OCs in the Dresden-verse with the s8me names as ch8racters who already exist, especially when Dresden is telling the story. Some of this is certainly attributable to your authorial style, which is different from Jim 8utcher's style, 8ut the characters don't really seem genuine.

~Vriska Serket

5471948 I started out trying to write it in First person as Jim Butcher does, but I found that I just don't have as much Harry Dresden in me as Jim Butcher does. Also, because Jim does write in first person, and Dresden is not so much a mind reader, Molly's character is kind of underdeveloped at this point. She is still a teenager (About 19 at this point if my timing is set up right) with a great deal to learn yet, and so that is how I am writing her.
Harry comes off wrong mostly because you cannot hear the Random thoughts and long-winded explanations in his head, and my narration is far less likely to drift into his random thoughts. Sorry, but it just isn't my style.
I am trying to keep them close as I can to the books, but there will be divergence.

Also, every time it's nighttime in Equestria it's a full moon kinda makes it an unreliable measurement

Very good so far, making the Unicorns practitioners was a nice touch. I wonder if/when Pony Twilight shows up will she notice that EQG Rarity, Vinyl Scratch and Trixie have magic?

great story cant w8 to see more

I'll hold off on reading this until I am able to gauge it's quality based on comments, likes, and such.

The description just doesn't hook me as it feels far too generic.

Adding to read later.

You seem to be unnaturally averse to using contractions.

You also seem to capitalize words at the most odd times. "Lunch" and "Hair" are not proper nouns, for example.

5780090 Both of those tendencies are odd artifacts of my writing style. I am trying to break myself of the tendency to capitalize words at random, but it is something of a habit. I am not even sure why I do it.
As for the contractions, it simply sounds better to not use them. Don't get me wrong, Contractions have their place, but to me, it almost always sounds better with the words spelled out.

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Sometimes it's better to avoid the contraction, but Dresden and Molly, for example, would use them in their speech on a regular basis, as would most high-school kids.

Hoping this will update soon. Please!?

6108800 I am working on it. I am having issues with the timing for the events of the second day. I will work it out. Don't worry.

6108879 As long as you update with in the next three months i'll also accept it if you update sometime this year. But if you wait till next year i'm going to have to bother you again.

Interesting idea, never seen one of these with Molly as a character. Be interesting to see how she handles the... unique looks and names found in CHS.

Enjoyed the story so far, the interactions between the characters seem very well done. And I'm curious as to how much longer it'll be before Molly figures out that Sunset is the cause of the school's division.

this is a pretty solid story so far, however there are a few problems that I've spotted.

1 - The sometimes, seemingly, Random capitalisation of Words that shouldn't be capitalised.

2 - The speech patterns for nearly every character feel the same, it makes the interactions feel stilted, and in group conversations it can be hard to follow, contractions and accents should be the salvation to this problem. (Applejack for one says "Ah", instead of "I")

3 - The pacing feels inconsistent, speeding up, and slowing down almost at random, although if you're basing this off of Equestria Girls, that can't be helped without taking some liberties.

4 - There are very few descriptive scenes, at least very few descriptive scenes of the setting, as someone who hasn't watched Equestria Girls or gone to an American High-School (I'm British, fish an' chips, bangers an' mash, hullo guvna, what what an' a cup o' tea) the story may as well be happening in a blank void. Set the scene a little, it'll help with the story later on.

Other than that, looking forward to the next chapter.

7020653 Yeah, these issues are things that people are fairly consistent about telling me about. The Capitalization is a bad habit I picked up at some point and really have to be careful about, I don't even know why I do it. Using precise wording and no contractions is probably a result of years of English teachers drilling it into my head that one should not use contractions while writing. It carries over into the dialog a lot more than it should. The inconsistent speed of certain scenes comes from a general lack of pacing on my part. I just have trouble with it, especially with events scattered out over the course of several days. The same goes for describing scenes. It is one of the main reasons why I am writing fanfiction and not books. Fans of the material tend to already be familiar with the setting and characters, so very little description of them is needed. I kind of wish I could find a writing class with a teacher that would not tell me what to write, but rather, how to write better.

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The first three points could probably be helped by asking around for a proofreader/editor.

The last one, whenever I try to describe something I ask the emotion/purpose behind it; let's take Celestia's office as an example.

Celestia (by the show, haven' seen EQG) is a caring, soft, guide, rather than a harsh authoritarian, her throne room which is open and windowed reflects this, her office should also reflect this. She wants her students to feel comfortable if they COME to see her (Looking for guidance), while still feeling some form of apprehension when they HAVE to see her (Trouble Makers).

With these two factors in mind Celestia's office needs to both reflect her care for her students, and her authority as a carer for when they step over the line.

"The office wasn't small, it was snug, even if the window at the back let the sunlight stream over everything in there to give it a sense of openness; a light oak desk was placed just a few feet from the back wall, one side wall seemed to be stuffed to the gills with personalised files for either exemplary students or problem kids, Molly couldn't tell with as little as she had to go on, and the other side wall had just a few of the requisite diplomas that every teachers office seemed to accrue over the years, a pair of comfortable looking chairs stood in front of the desk with a much harder wooden chair lurking just out of sight. All of this was far less important in Molly's eyes, when compared to the woman sitting at the desk" [INSERT DESCRIPTION OF CELESTIA HERE]

Best advice for doing that; buy a thesaurus, use it often, and test people's emotional reactions to different words. Imagine if I used the word "squashed" in place of snug, and cut out the part "to give it a sense of openness", makes the office feel slightly more oppressive rather than welcoming, while having comfortable chairs and a hard wooden chair lurking out of sight gives the idea of what trouble makers have to sit on.

I suppose in the end, when doing this sort of thing, it all comes down to word choice / vocabulary.

If you do need a proofreader, send me a PM and I'll see what I can do for ya.

This was a really promising story. Any chance of it being continued eventually?

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