Diamond Tiara hates Applebloom. The Farm Filly is way too perfect Not to.
But when something happens that shakes that Hatred to the core, can Diamond find the real truth? And are forgiveness, and even friendship even an option?
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SkyeSilverwing
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I hope there will be more. I liked it alot. Brought a tear to my eye.
Ok, I like Diamond Tiara redemption fics...but this one...her conversations, especially the words, with the Crusaders, Twilight, and with AB at the end...they seem rather repetitive. It's not to say they aren't valid, but there are different ways to say the same thing, especially when one is in emotional pain. Sometimes, it's just a look, or the beginning of a sentence that falters in tears or a choked sound fighting sobs. Sometimes though, it's the looks and mere language of a hoof extended that conveys the most emotion.
Not saying this work is bad, far from it. But as a suggestion, try playing with descriptions of the character's body language, let the state of their eyes, the tremble in their mouths, or a wordless sob behind a hoof speak volumes for you. You'll find a rather interesting result, I think.
5087411
I found multiple other mistakes in the passages you quoted.
I admit to liking redemption fics, I really do enjoy them. That said, this was honestly boring. Little struggle, and very little build-up to the pay-off.
This really could have been powerful. The quick progression almost seemed to devalue the story. If the doctors had zero prognosis for when or even if Bloom would be waking up, thirty minutes seems a mite quick. Not impossible, I'd wager, but unlikely.
There was a great buildup. Diamond had no idea when or if she might ever get to talk to Bloom again, and she--and we along with her--had to face the possibility that she'd be waiting a long time.
Bloom's family didn't blame her. Even the other CMCs accepted it once AJ spoke her piece. Diamond now would have even more guilt. If she truly looks up to Bloom like she says, and she believes herself responsible for her state, she'd be almost pining for somepony to not just tell her it's okay.
The only pony she needs to hear that from is Applebloom. And she can't.
But then Bloom wakes up minutes later, leaving one to think, "...was that it?"
It needs not be a long, drawn out affair. Even a night spent bedside to the pony she desperately needs to wake up again, talking to her friends and family and finding out more about this amazing filly she doesn't really know would have made Bloom's waking up with the dawn far more rewarding, both to Diamond and the readers.
This one's short; to do any of the above would expand this fic possibly by an order of magnitude, and that's not always a goal or even a desire. But bear in mind the most memorable characters and tales are wrought with adversity, and their happy endings never come easily or quickly.
5090286 I admit. I was writing just fine up until the point when Big Mac and Granny Smith showed up, but then I suddenly smashed headlong into a writers block that would not let me even try to do it for something like three or four months. The ending was something I ultimately pushed through and even to me, it feels too rushed.
5090325 Writer's block is a cruel beast and obeys no rules but its own.
5090349 I really wanted to bring it back around and answer some questions about DT and SS's relationship, but I had to fight to get my muses to give me as much as they did. I ultimately just had to end it instead of trying to keep up the slog. I kind of regret not being able to push more into it.
5087411 I willingly admit that I seem to have developed a bad habit in the form of the random capitalization. It happens in all of my works, mostly when I am really in the zone and writing quickly.
I'd just like to point out that in addition to the grammatical errors 5087411 mentioned, you constantly misspell Apple Bloom's name as Applebloom, and "cutie mark" is two words and is not capitalized. I noticed a number of other grammatical errors, but those ones, and the random capitalization, were the ones that stood out the most.
5091045 Honestly, Applebloom's name is one of those things that you are unlikely to convince me is actually two words, because no one ever just calls her "Bloom" in the same way that Twilight Sparkle is sometimes just called "Twilight". Even Sweetie Belle is called "Sweetie" at times. Even if everywhere it is written online has it as two words, I would still disagree.
As for "cutie mark" it is just something that always struck me a something that needed to be Capitalized for some reason. Also, it seemed like something that could be one or two words. It is a pain, because Spell Check really does not do anything to help with that kind of thing (and it rarely points out the random capitalization.)
5091630
It's not just that everyone writes it that way online, that's how it's spelled in the credits and in all the official merchandise. "Apple Bloom" is the canonical spelling, and there's no getting away from that.
And seeing how you could probably count on one hand the number of times Sweetie Belle and Rainbow Dash are called by just one of their names, it doesn't seem so odd to think that Apple Bloom's name could be two words, even if we only ever hear them together. And no one says that Big Mac's name should be spelled Bigmacintosh, even though I'm pretty sure he's never been called anything but Big Macintosh and Big Mac.
5091727 Hmmm... Well, actually, I was mostly having it as one word since the most comparable name, Applejack, is also one word. Applebloom just feels like one word to me, so that is how I write it.
This, doesn't fit the tag of tragedy. Tragedy would be if Apple Bloom fell into a coma and never awoke, or worse, died. Generally, if it has a 'tragedy' tag, there is no happy ending. Sad tag works that sort of thing, but not Tragedy.
You also have many, many instances of words capitalized for no reason. Someone else pointed them out above.
The pacing is very fast and everything is done and resolved way to fast. It could easily have been dragged out into a longer story by having Apple Bloom fighting for her life over the next few days during which time you'd have Diamond Tiara dealing with her guilt for causing it, the fear of thinking she may have inadvertently caused a pony's death, confusion about why AB saved her, wondering if she'll ever be forgiven. Not to mention, people don't forgive that fast, they're all going to be scared and mad and upset, and when that happens people look for someone to blame. In this case, DT. They might realize they shouldn't have acted like that by say, the next day or so, but for the first bit they'd all be cold to her, especially AB's family. Plus Filthy Rich would probably have words with his daughter about all of this.
The idea is a good one, the execution, not so much I'm afraid.
5092469 I appreciate your critique. A lot of the pacing issue came from the writers' block and the desire to simply be done with it. I liked getting into Diamond Tiara's head, but there came a point where I found myself just unable to push on with the story in any meaningful way. It became something I did not want to do, and none of the people I rely on for ideas on how to finish it could come up with anything. Originally, I had intended for AB to be in a coma for an extended period of time, so that I could go into a deeper look at the relationship between DT and SS, but the act of writing just became a slog, so I ended it prematurely.
Oh, and I took the tragedy tag off.
This was really good, but the pacing is bit too fast.
Constructive criticism? I got nothing, I loved it.
Very good story!
This was a good story. I'm glad you didn't have applebloom die. STories like that make me sad, but you did a great thing giving Applebloom back to her family.
9794318
PIka, pika.
I couldn't resist.