Note that the Archeops in the cover art is supposed to pose like that, it's not meant to be an insult.
Edited and proof-read by : tdnpony
A trainer who are obsessed in getting stronger and defeating the champions. Intellegent, cheerful yet dense at the same time, Eric Angelo, Trainer extroirdinaire and trainer of six creatures called Pokémon.
Journeying across the world in hopes of getting even stronger and make his mark upon it. But beneath all of that, were a secret that only he and his team knows.
Whisked away from his recent journey in Kalos to a new world, Eric attempted to reunite with his teammates and reunite with old friends. Action and adventure awaits Eric and his team as they attempt to journey and discover this new world's secrets in order to make his mark once more alongside his team.
I would like to thank you zeusdemigod131, for inspring me to make a side story to A New World, A New Way
Thank you for your patience, my cover art is finally finished. The cover art is created by yours truly, but the background is not mine. It was someone else's, thought the signs clearly says it's free to use. Note : the transparent human is the Hydreigon former human form before coming to Equestria during the mass exodus.
And please try to be understanding, <a href="http://cityadspix.com/tsclick-BQCE4WRF-SLZKVXTQ?&sa=mh&sa1=&sa2=&sa3=&sa4=&sa5=&bt=20&pt=9<=2&tl=1&im=MTc1NS0wLTE0MjA2NzM5NDMtMTE1NTc0MjE%3D&fid=NDQ1NzU2Nzc1&kw=English" target="_blank" alt="mba.ru" title="mba.ru" style="">English</a> is not my native language, so I apologize in advance for any error on my part, but I'll do the best as I can.
i.imgur.com/SLUYm.gif
First off, your summery is very plain. What makes your story stand-out from the rest?
Edit:
Also try to have a little more faith in what you do. If you are basically putting yourself down in the summery, most people will just skip over the story.
A few grammar and punctuation errors, but that's normal, even after a rereading/editing.
The conversation during the picnic was...confusing. I couldn't put the names to the faces. You switch from going through the species then straight to the nicknames. The only one I could pick up on was Silas.
Your introductory chapter does not leave me wanting more. Like the relationship between Sally abd her trainer. You showed both your hand and your plans, almost ruining any chance of interest in the future between the characters. Iperhaps, instead of having all that extra inner monologue about the Salamence's thoughts on the law, you could have simply showed her enjoying the affectionate treatment from her trainer. To give us a peak so to speak.
So after two chapters in, I can say that your story has the same problem as your summery.
It lacks uniqueness.
You need to have something in your story that makes it stand out from the rest. Look at the stories with the Rangers, Self-centred generals, ex-construction workers(
hah I made a pun). They all have something more going on. Some type of conflict(physically, emotionally, etc.)Your story just feels so...bland.
For the record, to make it more interesting doesn't mean slapping a dark tag on it and adding enough violence to Grand Theif Auto blush. You just need to change it a bit. Give them a goal, something to do in the world. Unless you have something happening in the later chapters, then ignore this.
The choreography is really rough in this chapter. Very hard to imagine the scene? When did Eric get captured, or separated from the group?
Half this chapter was pretty well an exposition dump. Usually no one can fault you for that, but you added unrelated information, like about Checkmate and other talking Pokemon. It doesn't really have anything to do with Eric's team or the Pie family.
At the same time, I thought that the Pie family lived far away from Ponyville, which puts them at a farther distance from Whitetail Woods, or is my geography wrong?
Your other chapters were rather polished with a few mistakes, but earlier on in this specific chapter there are quite a few major mistakes with grammar and sentence structure.
Edit: Sorry, made all these comments past midnight. Will now fix errors.
Went ahead and read first chapter. Gave it thumbs up.
5475949
Thanks a lot, man.
You don't know how much you've helped me
5474910 ur geography is fine, the Pie family owns the Salt Lick City Rock Farm, one of the largest in Equestria, and its a good three days travel by train from Cloudsdale, twice that from Ponyvile...
well, theres a lot of spelling, grammatical, and sentence structure issues throughout this story...u need an editor bad. also, lackluster descriptions and needless info dumps abound in several chapters that just make everything bland. u seem to have no actual working knowledge of Equestrian geography, and ur characters come across as flat and one dimensional. i can see u attempting some foreshadowing in parts, but nothing ever seems to come from it...just from the overall poor writing quality, its not that hard to see y ur story is not getting the love u think it should, its next to imposable to read, established characters in the main cannon story r acting out of character, lackluster plot and story telling leading to an overtly uninteresting story that does not grab at all...and u completely ignore that every trainer or human that woke up a pokemon in the main story had nothing of their former possessions save perhaps one bit of clothing. also, ur knowledge of Pokemon is clearly lacking as well. Hydragon has the Special Ability Levitate, they naturally float no mater what.
5476684
I don't really know Equestrian geography. I don't even know where their farm is. I tried looking into it, but nothing came up
Annoying bird, she is the great Sally!