Lucario arrives Equestria, meets Applejack and Twilight, but Lucario accidentaly hurts Twilight with his aura powers and Applejack sacrifices to save her but Luna thinks that Lucario killed Applejack and send him to the moon. 1500 years later, Dialga destroys the multiverse except some planets including Equestria, Twilight rescues Lucario from the moon and they rebuild the civilization and a plan to go back in time to save the multiverse, Lucario and Twilight fall in love and they make a son and they get new friends and new struggles with Sombra, shadow demons, changelings, robots and the brigade
This story is from an unfinished roleplay story that i want someone to complete with me in my steam account and is the first story i submit so i don't expect it to be good, the files of the long version are here
https://www.dropbox.com/s/p2ad2sr1gfbxedf/rp%20story%20part%201.doc?dl=0
https://www.dropbox.com/s/88cuw7y1fem0ltj/rp%20story%20part%202.doc?dl=0
https://www.dropbox.com/s/mcfk1wmz5ptdd26/rp%20story%20part%203.doc?dl=0
I was considering reviewing the first chapter, but in all honesty, the description is a chapter on it's own, a summary if you will.
How?
When he woke up in the Everfree forest?
Because that, Ponyville and Canterlot are the only places in the country.
In the same way you accidentally hit publish instead of delete?
WOAH, Wait what?
Applejack makes a sacrifice to save Twilight?
This is some dark shit.
Why the moon, why not a prison?
Well Dialga hasn't fucking destroyed the multi verse then if he left some planets behind!
And since when did Dialga destroy the multi verse, when was that ever a thing?!
Which civilization, the Mayans, Ming Dynasty, explain?
Of fucking course!
There it goes people, the beast has reared it's ugly head!
This isn't a PokemonXMLP story, this is a self insert gary stu. You just used a Lucario to represent yourself, for shame. And how does a Lucario and a Pony make a child?
They are both different species, it's like trying to breed a dog with giraffe!
Dear god is this the epitome of shit
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This story is not well written. It's painful to follow and I down-vote it to warn others not to bother.
If you want honest advice, consider the following:
Break apart your paragraphs. Less lines per paragraph is better. Some stories can do with paragraphs that consider of only one sentence.
Your story flows like an after-action report done badly. There is no sense of story flow, just a series of things that happened that are glossed over. A good story has to unfold, and while some things could be summarized in an info dump, the entire story cannot consider of that.
Is there a single line of dialogue in this story? I've never seen a good story that had no dialogue, I don't even think they actually qualify as stories, and neither does this one. Put dialogue in the story, slow the story down so characters can be shown to interact instead of being told they did.
Your perspective (3rd person omniscient) does not work for the story because there is nothing that ties us to the characters. No analysis or thoughts, just a series of facts does not make a good read. 3rd person limited or 1st person would have been better but the entire story would have to be rewritten.
Then again, the entire story should be rewritten, if it can even be salvaged. I'd suggest trying to write it again with the prompt in mind but letting the story flow naturally. . . Don't let the story's preset nature you have in your mind dictate it either, it will feel forced.
I cringed just skimming this.
I Got Stage Four Testicular Cancer Just From reading this
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5552722
Yeah, pretty much came to the same conclusions myself. By the way, your response to "...but Lucario accidentaly hurts Twilight with his aura powers..." with "In the same way you accidentally hit publish instead of delete?" resulted in an emphatic "Oh snap!" moment for me!
I'm going to say, not to be critical or anything but it could use a little work its a little fast paced but the plot is great
This is the most fucked up story i ever read in my life
bootleg version of friendship is aura