FIE Omake bonus chapter: Trixie?
As the train moved forward on its way through the hilly plains of Amestris, towards the small city of Risembool, Twilight walked into the front passenger car while Ed got the private one ready, “I can’t wait to meet Ed’s family and I hope that they can fix,” before she could finish she bumped into a woman wearing a long light purple cloak, “Oh I am sorry for that...TRIXIE,” she said getting up as her eyes widened in surprise, “No, it can’t be her. Its just this reality’s version of Trixie.”
“Wait, how do you know-” The woman looked under her hat and was able to recognize the purple mane and cutie mark on her pants, “Wait...Twilight Sparkle? How in Equestria did you get here?”
“How did I get here? What about you? The Trixie I know wouldn’t have been able to get here the way I did.”
“Are you saying that I lack the power to transverse dimensions?”
“Well, yeah. I mean, you usually are just an illusionist and normally aren’t that social.”
“Well,” Trixie sighed, “I can agree to that sometimes.”
Twilight looked at Trixie, hearing the sigh, “Wait...I think I may know what’s going on here. Element of Kindness,”
“DERPY”
“Fluttershy”
Trixie arched an eyebrow, “Honesty”
“Applejack”
“Raindrops”
Twilight nodded slowly, “Loyalty”
“Lyra”
“Rainbow Dash”
Trixie opened her eyes as she began to realize, “Laughter”
“Pinkie Pie”
“Cheerilee”
Twilight took a step back in shock, “Cheerilee, really? How did that... ? no, never mind-Generosity.”
“Carrot Top”
“Rarity”
“Ok, now you are kidding me,” Trixie said looking at her unbelieved, “Ok, last one. Magic.”
“ME!!!!”
“Ok, I think I get what is going on here,” Twilight said.
“Yes, you are from an universe parallel mine where you became Luna’s student instead,” Trixie said, sitting down with Twilight, getting something to drink from her pocket.
“Actually, I am Celestia’s,” Twilight said, “Did Luna not turn evil in yours?”
“Actually, it was Celestia.”
“WHAT,” Twilight exclaimed, the memory of the evil Celestia still in her mind, “ This story I need to hear.”
“Well, you see...” Before Trixie could finish, however, a blonde hair man with his hair over one eye walked into the car.
“Trixie, you better get ready, after we hit Risembool we’ll hit Xenotime so we can pick up Fletcher,” the young man looked at Twilight sitting next to Trixie, “Oh and who is your friend?”
“Twilight Sparkle,” Twilight said, looking up at the man, “And you are?”
“Edward Elric, the fullmetal alchemist and her teacher.”
Twilight arched an eyebrow, “ No you are not. I am training with the Fullmetal Alchemist, and you are not him.”
“Well, of course...” The fake alchemist was then interrupted by a yell.
“Oh you are not, Russell Tringham!” Ed said, walking up to the taller man, “Still trying to get by on stealing my name?”
“Only because you aren’t using it anymore, metalless pipsqueak,” Russell said, a smirk on his face.
“METALESS PIPSQUEAK??? Ok, Tringham, you and me outside now!”
“That’s where my ring is,” Russell said, a smirk on his face as he and Ed walked out the door.
“Any idea what that was about?” Twilight asked.
“Nope, and really don't care,” Trixie poured some bourbon, “ So, anyway as I was saying, see in my world, it was Derpy that I sacrificed my life for and wound up here. I had to stop Dinky from doing something stupid.”
“It was Spike for me,” Twilight said. taking a drink of some soda.
“Spike?” Trixie questioned as the two began a long conversation that lasted all the way to Risembool.
(C) Lunaverse Trixie belonging to the awesome RainbowDoubleDash and his team, this is only a small cameo from them
Feel free to discover more of their great work and universe here to see what I was writing about
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2305156
It was supposed to be really small text in the g-docs version, however it didn't translate into the fimfiction version.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUVE DONE?
I had to go back and re-read the entire fma series because I never finished it
2372900
My job is done here.
OK, now that I've read the whole thing it's time I gave my thoughts.
First the good: The concept was good, and the way you potrayed the characters was just like I remember them from the shows, I also liked the whole multi-verse idea, very nice.
Now the bad... well not so much bad as much as not as good as it could have been: most of the chapters have a nack for glossing over certain things atmosphere being one of then, what I tend to get from this story is "oh look the main big bad just killed himself how sad... ok I'm done, move on." in those sort of situations you've really gotta potray more emotion, what's going through everyones heads, what are they thinking, what they feeling, and that kinda stuff, you've really gotta slow down and let it sink in while potraying the effect in has on everyone else, it make it more real to the reader and make the characters more 3 dimenional.
And I also noticed that alot of the chapters missed out on alot of potential, one example is the museum break in, you REALLY could've done more with that, I'm talking zip lines, infer-red goggles, close calls with security, laser trip wires and a mission impossible 2 theme in the background! All of that would've made the whole scene so much more suspence and overall more interesting, another example, Unicornia, a city that see's all but Unicorns as slums or slaves, you really could've done ALOT more with that especially with the Mane 6-er... 5, being in disguise, and I would've liked to see them searching for info then having then trade stories rather then skipping straight to the meet up, and seeing them get found out as none Unicorns and the resulting fall out would've REALLY made the chapter more interesting.
Then there's the multiverse thing, you made it clear that it had a role to play, but besides a few alternate versions of well known characters popping up, we really DON'T see the effect the universes colliding with eachother has one eachother, I would think it would be much more extreme then shown, natual disasters, strange creatures popping up out of nowhere, entire citys or countrys vanishing without a trace etc etc. I know I said this was a good idea, and it is, but it's the way you HANDLED it that I think could've been better.
And speaking of the cameos, come on dude, apart from Discord and (debatably) Mustang, NONE of them did anything! I mean you had Major Armstrong right there, but instead of seeing any action, he had a breif intro, a little comedy, and then we don't see him again, and then theres the cameos by Kimberlee and the Homonculi, these were some of the most psychotic and dangerous characters in the whole FMA series, and you didn't have them even THINK about trying to kill the Mane 5 for even a second... WHY?!
The last thing isn't as big as the others, but why did Mustang appear at the fight scene alone? The number 1 rule when have Roy Mustang in your fic, is to always, ALWAYS have Riza Hawkeye there to act as both his support, his leash, AND his comedic foil... ALWAYS!!!
I'm not sure if theres anything I missed or forgot, but even so I think I've given you enough to work with for now, so if you, for some reason or another, decide to rewrite this fic, check this comment and see if this advice helps.
2435767
Wow, this comment...wow. Thanks. this is probably one of more in depth comments I have had on this story as a whole. Thank you so much. I do every comment that comes in and I try to look into each one. So thank you so much. ITs comments like this that remind me why I love this site and writing here more than some other sites.
Ok, first what you said on the good. Thanks for mentioning the in character moments, it has been something that I had hoped to get right and something I had been trying to fix since I had started writing fanficiton.
now for the bad, the first one. Yeah, I kind of have to agree, certain scenes I am looking back on and am thinking about extending a little (like Albert's death, Issac had a better demise) or certain moments in the fic. I do think I may have done a good job on Rarity's struggles with her living and trying to get over what has happened. Maybe that is chapter 11 is may fave.
Second one, You know...you are kind of right. It does seem like there is somegood story bits here I could've done with a city that is racist against all other species and done more with the mane 5 in secret. Also the ideas for the mesuem break in...sound pretty dang good.
As for the third, I think you are right. The truth is, the main idea I had with the multiverse was mainly to explain the cameos popping in and out of existance. I also wanted to try and add to the threat with the idea of the universe collapsing but that was it. Now that you mentioned it, maybe I could have also added a few reports of cities wiping out or people vanishing...hmmmmm, (notes)
As for the cameos...maybe Armstrong should've done a little bit more. But I want to talk about Kimblee, I kind of wanted him only there as a guy from an alt FMA time line where he was an explosive cook...maybe I should've explained it a bit more.
Again, you have given me a lot to think about and to work with. Thank you so much for the comment
2437371 Anytime, I'm glad I could help out.
And yes, the way you showed Raritys struggle was very well done, I have little to no problems with it.
As for Major Armstrong and co, what I meant was there are just so many colourful characters in FMA, the Briggs soldiers, Major Armstrongs sister, and the rest of his family for that matter, Mustangs squad (especially Riza, course you know, she's bad-ass!), the reformed Seline Bradly, Scar whose now past his quest of revenge, and of course Izumie Curtis and Sig. All of which could have opened the way for more in depth character development, and, depending on the character in question, many funny, sweet, emotional, and tense moments as the story went on.
The same could be said for MLP to, the now reformed Discord, the Princesses, Trixie, Spike and the CCCs etc etc etc. Plus, with all these places they're visiting, many of which I beleave are YOUR creations, means you have ample room to make YOUR OWN characters to fit the events taking place. which as stated above, could've led to many funny, sweet, emotional, and tense moments.
And it's not like they wouldn't have had time to see and spend time, even only 1 or 2 days, with these guys, this fic is meant to last 3 years afterall, so that quite a lot of time.
And adding these characters and moments would've worked to expand and add depth to they're respective worlds too.
As for Kimberlee, I guess I can let that slide, but yeah the whole explosive cook bit, needed to be better potrayed, maybe with a scene of him actually USING his alchemy to do the cooking, that's comedy gold right there.
Now you've mentioned I was right about Unicornia, good, but there was more to that comment, when I said that Iwas using it as an example for ALL the places they visited, but since then, I HAVE come up with another Idea for the place that came after it (I forgot the name) but I'll wait and see if you wanna hear it first, it's your fic afterall, and I'd hate to steal your thunder.
2437711
The place after unicornia was Coltonville (named after the place in My little pony tales) and I wouldnt mind hearing that idea you might have for that place because I always like hearing ideas and adding them.
As for the FMA characters, looking back on this story and listening to your suggestions...I am starting to think of some small things I can do with Izumi, Scar, and Riza (who I love dearly as one of my fave of Mustang's crew.) and I keep thinking of what to do for the princesses. Maybe one day...I'll come back.
2437851 Well, Coltenville was the one with all the stone ponys right? So let me think it over a bit and I'll get back to you.
2560022
Its a small reference to Kimblee's english voice actor...I couldnt resist putting in an alternate universe where he worked for the Baratie at one point just to make that joke. Trust me...I also had a reference planned for Roy and Risa but I couldnt work that in (Ac
2560034 I think you reply to AppleTank got cut off dude.
Also, SORRY! I know I said I'd get back to you with my ideas concerning Coltinville but it took longer to work out the bugs.
I think I've got it now so if you want to hear it just let me know... but chances are I'll just tell you anyway if you wait long enough.
2615492
Please tell me, I am quite curious
2615816Well now, this idea kind of changes a few things, first of all when the ponies arrive in Coltenville it's pretty much the same as the original right up until they find the journal, just before they read it they hear a huge crash, and when they get out side again they find
ENVY! And he. Is. PISSED! After all, he just went through all the trouble of forcing his way through the Gate of Truth in dragon form in order to find and take revenge on his no good Father Hoenhiem the Light (This Envy is the 2003 anime one) only to get knocked off course at the last second and end up who-knows-where. Then he spies the Mane 5 and being the cruel sadistic bastard he is decides that since they're there, the best way to feel better is to tear them apart just for the heck of it, and you can probably figure the rest from there.(For the record, the ponies encounter him in human form... he's a shape shifter, so the whole turning into a pony thing would have a minimal effect on him.) What makes this event unique however is that it becomes it's own subplot, as after the first encounter, every other chapter or so Envy with jump out of nowhere and try to kill them over and over again, all the while having a real good time doing so, only for them to escape him due to wit, luck, or a combo of the two. This subplot will also come to a head at the final battle... but I'll save that for later.
So, you thoughts?
2615918
Hmmmm, it sounds good. That way, it can wrap back up to the merging dimesnions, since the 2003 anime is another universe. It would start the girls to try and figure out how much time they have to fix things while Twilight is dealing with her part. I like it
2616003And I haven't even told you about what effect this subplot has on the final battle yet... I warn ya though, it's pretty manic.
2616148
*Taking notes* tell me more I am interested.
2617229 Okay, but remember, you asked for it and you do this at your own risk. (It's just THAT wild.)
You have been warned!
Now before we get to the juicy stuff I'd like to point out something that should be made clear at an earlier point in the story, like 1 or 2 chapters or so. And that is the merging of Equestria and Earth has gone so far at this point that both planets a visible in the others sky... no really a human or pony just has to look up and they'd see Equestria and Earth respectively hanging RIGHT OVER THIER HEADS!
Of course that's assuming they can find the time to, what with all the disasters going on as a result of all this.(This'll be a pretty good chance to work in Daisy's "The horror" joke by the way) Like the Envy subplot, this event will also play a pretty big role in the final battle.
Still want me go on... this maybe your last chance to back out after all. (Like I said, it's THAT wild of a battle.)
2618411
Are you kidding...I've written wilder!
Go on!
2619004 Well... ok.
The settings are the respective castles of the brothers, whose names escape me, so I'll refer to them as Alc-Bro (Alchemy Brother) and Mag-Bro (Magic Brother) for now.
On Earth Twilight and the Elrics have just have just finished they're battle with the Alc-Bro, as a result, he becomes increasingly more insane and desperate and so grabs the stone while screaming and shouting at the group, all while threatening to smash the stone to bits. (The guys nuts after all.)
Meanwhile on Equestria, Mag-Bro has just finished telling his and his brothers backstory (He's not as close to deaths door in this version so he doesn't need to lay down just yet and therefore is still standing with the Mane 5), but before even WE have a chance to absorb it all, Envy slithers out of the shadows(literately or figuratively, your choice) and grabs the stone from it's pedestal and after taunting the ponies threatens to crush it, all the while going on about how he'll enjoy the looks of despair on their faces when he does(it IS Envy we're talking about.) and all that. Mag-Bro tries to stop him, but get's slammed against the wall by a laughing Envy(which puts him in the same position as in the original version.) and just as Envy raises the stone to destroy it... all hell breaks loose.
You following me ok so far?
2619653
*has giant notepad from out of nowhere and taking notes* yep
2619678Wow your really prepared aren't you.
Anyway, Back on Earth Alc-Bro decides to get rid of Twi and the Elrics once and for all by using the stone to transmute a portal to the beginning of time itself, a period where nothing does or CAN survive yet, but rather then do that, the stone starts to go crazy, throwing lightning bolts everywhere and causing damage all over the place. It's here we learn just what Alc-Bro has been PAYING as his toll for all his time-hopping transmutations, his sanity. With every time jump, Alc-Bro ended up losing a fraction of his sanity, which in turn resulted in his growing instability and finally going completely insane altogether, but now that that he IS completely insane, he has nothing to pay the toll for this transmutation, which in turn has coursed a backlash. So now due to the backlash, his body starts to warp, change, grow in size and straight up mutate, painfully I might add, to the point where he starts calling for help.
Meanwhile, as a result of Alc-Bros backlash and the connection of the 2 stone halves, the magic half Envys holding starts going wacko too. And just like Alc-Bro Envy also starts to change and mutate.
And when all is said and done, our heroes will be faced with what could be best described, as the gods biggest mistakes in history.
Alc-Bro has become a sheer abomination of a chimera, His personality has gone feral like a rabid animal and his insanity is even WORSE! He's at least 3 times bigger, his muscles are HUGE, and his appearance looks like a jigsaw puzzle of animals humans and who KNOWS what else put together wrong! Basically think a human Discord, only ALOT more twisted, disgusting, disturbing, and nowhere NEAR as kid friendly. And merged with his flesh, right where his heart would be, is the Fraternity stone, pulsing like a heartbeat. (It even makes the Ba-Bump sound)
And as for Envy, his new form vaguely resembles his true form in the manga, and is about the same size to, but in place of all the faces he's covered long armour like scales, his teeth are razor sharp, his eyes a piercing murderous yellow, a large sickle like blade on the tip of his tail and another acting as a horn on his forehead, and large leathery wings on his back, and embedded right between his eyes is the magic half of the fraternity stone. But unlike Alc-Bro, he's still totally aware of himself, and there isn't anything worse then a mutated Envy who knows he's mutated... and happy about it!
Still with me? (Sorry I took so long, damn phone rang and the guy wouldn't shut up!
)
2620087
*Drinking some smoothie, notepad out* yep still listening
2620115Where'd you get that smoothie? Ah well who cares.
Anyway so the first part ends with Envy looming over his prey laughing long, loud and menacingly while Alc-Bro lets loose a ear splitting roar while our heroes can only look on in horror. (These kind of cliff-hangers always have the readers coming back in swarms just to see what happens next.
)
Come the next part the battles begin, and go badly, very badly. No matter what our heroes do, even though they're able to get some solid blows and attacks in, it's painfully clear that alone, they are out classed and need help. Alc-Bro is pretty much able to perform transmutations without toll or limit! And Envy has full access to any and all forms of magic! (Envy with magic, I must be mad.
)
And to add to the chaos, while the fights are going on, the 2 worlds have gotten so close to each other now that that people and ponies are switching places with each other every minute, including our heroes and villains, so not only are they fighting an uphill losing battle, but a constantly changing one with a time limit too! (Note: To show how far the merge has gotten, those that switch place remain as humans and ponies respectively on both worlds.)
Then just as one of the heroes is about to go to the great paradise in the sky(I'll let you choose which) someone/pony intervenes at the last second with an attack loud voice... aaaaand END OF CHAPTER!
Yep, another cliff-hanger, got to keep up the suspense after all. I'll tell you the rest tomorrow dude, it's 10:00pm over here and I'm gonna get some rest, save those notes now, and if you have any questions about what I've given so far, now's the time to say so.
Maxout020 is out PEACE!
What? No more comments of this epic idea? Blast, I just went to get popcorn...
3272381
Thank you, when you have been an FMA fan as long as I have, somepony like Twilight would be looked down upon as a Mary Sue in an instant.
It sounds cooler the way they say it on the show:
So.. a couple hours of utter ridiculousness and hilarity later I reach this point...and dammit, you reminded me that I haven't finished season 1 of the Lunaverse yet....
4123779
Its ok, I haven't got past season 1 either, I kind of been jumping around episode and season to season myself.
I'm only at episode 31. Will there be any spoilers or confusion I'd I read this? Also, are the brothers in this story?
4252898
Oh yeah, there will be spoilers. It is set after the end of the whole series for Brotherhood and does have what happened to the brothers at the end. Everything else is just fine.
4253131 Fair enough, will put on read later and read after I finish the anime
4253131 I can't find any of the FMA Brotherhood episodes in English outside of sketchy websites... (I tend to be quite cautious when exploring new parts of the internet, especially when popups are involved...) so is a knowledge of the time line necessary to understand this story?
Also, liked just for the idea... you will have to EARN that favorite if you want it...
4741020
I think you would be fine, only a few references to the series are going to be there. As for why Twilight had to be human, well, the way I work the multiverse is that when one travels to the pony world and back, they turn into the animal. But, stick with it and it might turn out to be fun.
4741210 I won't down vote it only on the human thing... but I can't promise anything else...
4741228
Hey, jut give it a chance is all I ask.
5323503
Care to say what doesn't make sense?
9232803
thanks