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Friendship is Magic: Friendship is Eternal
“Alchemy is the science of understanding a substance, deconstructing it, and then reconstructing it into a new form.
Since it is a science, it still follows certain basic laws and to break these laws is considered taboo.
One such taboo is human transmutation, for there is no equivalent exchange for a soul…”
- The Story of the Fullmetal Alchemist, by W. Elric
As a white unicorn slept in the upstairs of her boutique, a little filly began to walk around the kitchen with a purple dragon following close behind her, “This is going to be the best anniversary ever!” Sweetie Belle said, a big smile on her face. “Rarity is going to flip when she sees this cake we are baking her!”
“But, isn’t Pinkie already making a cake for Carousel Boutique’s five year anniversary?” Spike asked as he put the last bit of frosting onto the cake.
“Yeah, but I want to make something special for Rarity that I made.” Sweetie Belle said as she looked at the way the cake looked, “Ok, now ready Spike?”
“Ready!” Spike said, eager to make something really special for his mare. Taking a long, slow deep breath, Spike released a blaze of fire to not only bake the cake, but to set it on fire.
“Voila! Flambé.” Sweetie Belle said as she marveled at the one piece of cooking she never messed up, “Now, let’s get this to Rarity!” she said as she walked behind the cart and began to push it with Spike. They did not noticed a small bit of water that had dripped when they were making the cake as Spike accidentally stepped on it and slipped, causing the cake to fly off and land on some of the dresses in the next room. Panicking, they began to run around the room in an attempt to find something to put out the fire as it slowly increased in size. It began to use the dresses and curtains in the building as fuel to feed its need to destroy and burn.
Upstairs, Rarity was awoken by the smell of smoke, “Oh great, what has my little sister burnt now?” getting out of the bed, she went down the stairs to try and salvage whatever food was left; however, the sight that befell her upon getting downstairs left her in shock, “OH my WORD!!!!”
“Rarity,” Sweetie Belle coughed, “Help!” She screamed as she stood in a circle of fire as Spike stood next to her, trying to protect her from the flames.
“HANG ON! I’M COMING!” Rarity yelled as she leapt over the flames and into the circle of fire. Darting her eyes around the flaming house, she tried to look for a way out. The front door being blocked by a wall of fire, preventing her from escaping that way, making a quick turn she saw the back window was available, “Come on!”
While this was going on, somewhere was a certain rainbow maned pegasus sleeping on a cloud. Her restful sleep, however, was broken thanks to an odd smell, “Uggggh, what is that smell? It smells like smoke, from a…FIRE!” Rainbow Dash yelled as she saw the Boutique on fire. Not wanting to waste a single second, she flew off to her friend’s burning home. Below her, running along with some fire ponies was an orange earth pony followed by a yellow Pegasus and a pink earth pony.
“What in tarnation happened?” Applejack asked, running as fast as she could.
“I don’t know! I just woke up to see Rarity’s house on fire.” Dash yelled as she flew head first into the window of the Boutique, determined to find her friend, “Rarity?! Where are you?”
“In (coughs) here,” Rarity tried her best to yell through the smoke.
Looking down, Rainbow Dash saw the young unicorn running about with her sister as they tried to get out, “Hang on!” Dash yelled as she prepared a leap; however, a large cracking noise could be heard overhead.
“Oh, no!” Rarity yelled as she used her magic to pick up Sweetie Bell and Spike and threw them at Dash as a wooden beam from the ceiling fell on top of Rarity, crushing her back and burning her.
“Hang on, I’ll get you.” Dash yelled as she caught Sweetie Bell and Spike in mid-air, looking to the trapped unicorn.
“No, g…get them out,…I’ll…be f-fine.” Rarity gasped as she could feel the flames burning her flesh, barely able to breathe.
Dash turned her head down, growling at her uselessness as she flew the two young creatures away. Landing with a roll she looked up at Applejack.
“Rainbow, where’s Rarity and are they all right?” Applejack asked as she looked at Spike and Sweetie.
“They’re, “Dash coughs a little and stands up, “fine, but Rarity’s still in there. I got to go back.”
“No, you stay here and get them to safety. I’ll go and get her.” Applejack said as she prepared to leap back into the building, only to watch it fall to pieces in a burning blaze of fire.
“No, Rarity...” Sweetie Belle said, watching the flames burn.
A few hours, a few hours was the length of time that the girls had been spending trying to shift through the rubble of what was once a home. Those hours had been spent hoping, praying, and in thought about their close friend. For Rainbow Dash, lost of someone important was a feeling she would never want to visit ever again. For Pinkie, the very idea of any of her friends dying before her was an idea that was impossible for her to comprehend. Fluttershy, all she wanted to do was to push the thought that the world would be without her friend as far from her mind as possible. As for Applejack, death was something she knew all too well and it was something that she was dead set against.
“Applejack,” Rainbow called out, “Do you think sh…”
“I don’t want to even think about it.” Applejack said, trying her best to not say what she really felt.
Suddenly, the quiet of the search was broken by the soft crying of Fluttershy, “Please, wake up.” The girls trotted to where Fluttershy was nudging an unmoving body, “P...please Rarity, wake up. We need to get to get you.” Fluttershy the picked up the burnt white body and held it to her close, “Oh, Rarity.”
The others, could only look down in sorrow as the rain began to fall.
“And that my dear Twilight, is why you should never mix flash bangs and fine panty hose, HAHAHAHAHH” Laughed a small unicorn with a flaming matchstick as a cutie mark.
Twilight, chuckled a little. It wasn’t too funny of a joke for her, especially after hearing for the 10th time that week. “Uh, yeah hilarious, Uncle Sparkplug.” Turning, she had hoped to find someway out. Seeing her mother, she quickly trotted over to her, “ Mom, you could’ve warned me about all of the crazy people in our family!”
The lightly grey unicorn smile as she put her hoof on her daughter’s shoulder, “You would know if you came to these reunions more often.” Velvet said as she drank some more punch.
“Thats because you forgot to tell me how boring they might get. I mean if Applejack was here...”
“47,” Velvet said
“There would be at least some reall good food, and if Pinkie...
“51”
“Got her party cannon she could at least fire something up, and as for the music, Rarity...
“48”
“knows some great musicians. Fluttershy....”
“50”
“Would be playing with the animals. And Rainbow Dash...
“49”
“MOM WHAT ARE YOU COUNTING!?” Twilight asked.
“How many times you mentioned your 5 friends since coming here.” Velvet said, a smile on her face.
“Oh, sorry about that.” Twilight said, an embarrassed look on her snout.
“Its ok.” Twilight’s mother said, rubbing her daughter’s shoulder, “Its about as much as I talk about you when I am with the others. You know, maybe one day you should tell Dashie that I am the author of her favorite book series.”she winked.
“And then she would keep pestering you about the next release date.” Twilight said.
“ And your father, brother, and former foal sitter do that almost every other week dear...I’m used to it.”
At this, Twilight let loose a big laugh and walked away from her mother. As she made her way to the balcony she overheard the other family members discussing their research and their projects and other science things that Twilight had mastered when she was 10. This was the reason why Sparkle family reunions are so sparse...most of the time they are researching and studying. For Twilight, this used to be all of her life, but now...she was researching in her own way; however, she had also found a way to live. She looked over the Balcony at Ponyville and sighed, “Miss them huh, Twily?” A white stallion asked, walking up behind her and ruffling her mane.
“That obvious, BBBFF?” Twilight asked, looking up.
“Oh yeah.” Shining armor said, standing next to her.
“I just never thought I would miss them this much. Right now, I can only imagine the havoc they would cause just to liven up this party. Then, we would all laugh about it and go for some donuts at Donut Joe’s.” Twilight said.
“Well, I do hope I can help keep the mood up for you Twily.” Shining said, looking to his side.
“You do, you always brighten the room up and keep me up.” Twilight said.
Shining then looked down at his hoof and remembered something important, “Hey Twily, I almost forgot to tell you. Me and Ca...” But before he can finish, the crowd began to murmur excitedly.
“Its the princess”
“Why is she here?”
“Maybe Twilight did something wrong?”
“if she did,well, let’s just say she aint doing anything to my daughter.” Nightlight said.
“Princess Celestia!” Twilight said, running to the side of her teacher and bowing, “What brings you here to the reunion?”
“Dearest Twilight, Do I need a reason to visit my student and her family on occasion?” Celestia said, looking down at her student, a warm smile on her face.
A week, a whole week was all it took to arrange everything. A week for the friends to try and find to courage to do something they never wanted to do. A week of tears, memories, and regret. Now, that week was drawing to a close and now the friends were standing over a grave as the proceedings began. Rainbow Dash stood looking on as Fluttershy cried on her friend’s shoulder, her blue hoof patting her buttery friends mane, “Where’s Pinkie Pie?” Dash asked as Scootaloo cried into her leg.
“She was here fer a few minutes, but when they brought out that coffin...” Applejack said, as she held two fillies close to her. Both of which have been crying.
“What about Rarity’s parents, where are they?” Dash asked.
“Off on a ‘vacation’” Applejack said with a tone of disgust in her voice, “somewhere. They couldn’t even make it, bet they don't even know what had happened.”
“It isn’t FAIR!” Dash said, doing her best to hold in the tears, “She should be here now, with us. Not DEAD!”
“Ah know it taint fair sugarcube, it never is. All you can do is...”Applejack was then interrupted by Dash.
“If you tell me to take the time to get over it, I swear I will buck you so hard that you will be missing an eye.” Dash said, memories of another lost friend going into her head.
“The thought never crossed my mind, Dash. Ah know it’s dang near impossible to get over it. Shoot, I haven't even gotten over ma and paw’s death’s yet.”
“Then...what should we do?” Rainbow dash asked as she watched funeral finish up.
“We go on livin’ and deal with the pain in our own way. Deal with the fact, that every time we walk by where Carousel Boutique used to be, is an ashen ground. That every time we get together...there’s gonna be one empty spot where a dear friend used to be.” As they walked away, with the young fillies following them, Applejack face showed some anger in her next words, “Till one day, we are just so angry that they left you unfairly that you just want to hit somethang hard! Then, with time, every bad memory you have of them will be filled with all of the good ones and then you can live with it. Bearly, but live with it.”
“Did it work for you?” Dash asked, looking to how Scootaloo still held on to her foreleg.
“A little, but then there are times.” Applejack looks down at Applebloom, “I get really mad at the both of them.”
“Rainbow, I’ll tak Scootaloo home, her mom lives close to me.” Fluttershy said as she took Scootaloo’s hoof away from her.
As the two mares walked to Sweet Apple acres, Dash looked around, “So where was Spike?”
“Dont know, I guess he didn’t want to come to the funeral.” Applejack said.
Meanwhile, Spike was at Golden Oaks Library, pounding the walls, “ALL MY FAULT! ALL MY FAULT! I killed her...I.” Spik began to weep as he hit the wall harder, knocking Owlowiscious off his perch, “KILLED HER!” The next hit caused a book to fall off the shelf, almost hitting him in the head, “...What’s this?” He picked up the book and read the cover, “‘Alchemy’? The science of understanding a substance, deconstructing it, and reconstructing it. However it is not a cure all, it is a science and as a science must still follow basic laws. The top one being, you should not perform pony transmutation. Wait, there is some formulas here on how to do it.” Spike began to smile, “Why shouldn’t I do it? It will make me...no...it will make everypony happy, and it will bring her back home. Why not do it?! I bet they only set up this law to stop ponies from being happy...I’ll show them, I’LL SHOW THEM ALL!!!!”
Within the halls of the canterlot archives, lies the Starswirl the Bearded Wing. Within that wing, walks a small purple unicorn, “Hmmm, now where is that scroll? Ah here it is!” Twilight said as she picked up a black scroll from the top of the shelf and brought it to her with her magic, “Last time I was here I never had the chance to read this. Hmmmm...”Opening it up, Twilight looked on in shock at the title and the working of the spell, “‘The Phoenix Spell, can bring one pony back from the well of souls; however, there is a warning. It requires so much mana that it takes three years of the users life away! However, it can only be used once on each pony. the pony cannot be dead for over three years, otherwise you would create an undead monster.’ Hmm, I guess zombie ponies can exist. ” As Twilight read the spell, she took note of how to properly use it and how long it would take her to cast it. Shaking her head, she put it back thinking that there would never come a time to use it.
Twilight Sparkle floated on down from her chariot, smiling. This was the best family reunion I ever had. The thoughts of Shining Armor, her mother, and father celebrating the day that they had together still running through her head. What still surprised her though, was that Princess Celestia herself was at the get together. Granted it was nice to see her teacher that was akin to a mother, it was weird to see such a huge figure at something as simple as a family gather. She sighed, such is the way of the princess. Looking down at her home, she was excited to see all of her friends again…that is, if any of them were around, “Where is everypony?” Twilight looked around, taking a mental record of why there was nobody to see her.
Ok, I have been gone only for two weeks. Applejack is probably at the farm, Dash is asleep most likely, Fluttershy is with her animals, Rarity is probably at the boutique, so that leaves Pinkie. She should be right here with a big brass band and unexplained trumpets to celebrate me coming home.
She looked around, no party, not so much as a cheering pink blur or a glomp, if she didn’t know better…
“Oh, Twilight…you’re home. Welcome back.” An orange pony walked with a sad red-headed filly beside her
“Applejack, what’s going on? Where is everypony?” Twilight looked at the somber pony.
“You don’t…No, I suppose you wouldn’t since y’all were busy with the folks and all; it happened just a few days ago. Sweetie Belle was working with Spike on something special for Rarity’s birthday, when…there was an accident with his fire breath.” Applejack looked down.
“The Boutique burnt?” Twilight looked at Applejack, frightened.
“Yeah, it was going like an inferno in there. Rarity was inside at the time and did her best to get Spike and Sweetie out, but a part of the ceiling collapsed.” Applejack turned her head, remembering.
“No…don’t tell me…” Twilight stood in utter shock. A close friend of hers, one full of life was gone. She began to cry.
“Dash has been taking this hard, she tried her best to save her using whatever she could. Pinkie has been stuck in Sugar Cube Corner for a while, and Fluttershy hasn’t left her home.” Applejack sighed, the events of the past few days have been hard.
“Sweetie bell has been staying with us for a while. She keeps blaming herself for what happened and no one has seen Spike since.” Applebloom chimed in, feeling sad for her friend and not wanting to imagine life without her sister.
“I can’t imagine this to be easy on Spike. I’ll go and talk to him…Oh Applejack. I can’t believe…” She hugged her friend closely, not wanting her to leave in fear that she too would be gone. Twilight leaves heading to the Golden Oaks Library. As she walks, she begins to think about Rarity, “It’s not fair, Rarity shouldn’t die like this, not burnt alive while every pony tried to save her. She should be with us…” Her head rises, remembering a spell in the Canterlot Archives. It was a very dangerous spell, requiring so much mana that it would take three years off your life. It would just require… she ran into her home like her tail was on fire. Strangely, it was locked and boarded, like it was condemned. “Spike? It’s me Twilight, open up.”
“NO! This is important Twilight! I can’t risk you coming in and stopping me!” Spike yelled.
“Stopping you from what? Just let me in, I need something from there!”
“No, if you saw it you would stop me! It’s all my fault, so who cares if I do something this stupid!” Spike shouted.
Stupid? Oh Celestia, don’t tell me! Not wanting to risk anything Twilight teleported in, only to see a burnt corpse in a circle and Spike with his hands on the circle. “Spike, what is this?”
“It’s a transmutation circle, I saw it in a book up there. It talks of forbidden taboos with Alchemy, like living transmutation and using it to bring back the dead. Well, thinking about it, all of the cases where they tried, they lacked a body for it. Well, here is Rarity, now all I need to do is perform the transmutation and BOOM! Rarity is back, free to hate me for messing up her home, but I am ok with that” Spike looked, tears in his eyes. “As long as she is back, and everyone is happy.”
“Spike, Alchemy needs something to be given in exchange for that idea to work. What do you think will be enough for her life?” Twilight asked.
“Mine!” With that, Spike slammed his hands onto the circle starting the process.
“NO!” Twilight ran into the circle, her horn glowing with power as she recanted the spell from memory. Using all of her strength she pushes Spike off the circle. The circle, treebrary, and the three bodies within were bathed in alchemical and magical energy as the two began to mix in a blinding rainbow of colors.
“Twilight what is this?” Twilight looked at Spike.
“It’s a spell to bring back someone from the dead, it costs you three years of your life but it’s worth it!” Twilight struggled in the vortex.
“But its still three years of your life!” Spike screamed, noticing that the purple unicorn was fading away.
“Better that than all of your…” She is cut off as she disappears into the vortex of energy.
“TWILIGHT!” Spike yelled.
All over Ponyville, the light shown. As if it was a beacon for the others, it caused the other bearers of the elements to race towards the Golden Oaks Library. They had no idea what was in store for them when they reached it, just one thought was on all of their heads: They did not want to lose another friend. Applejack, seeing the door barred, breaks it down with her hooves as Rainbow dash lands beside her. Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy come up soon after, looking at the two other ponies, curious as to what happened. Walking slowly inside, they see the library a mess. Books at strewn across the floor, remnants of a bed are fried and sitting in a circle, was a pony comforting a young dragon. “it’s going to be ok Spike” She said, rubbing Spike’s back, tears in her eyes.
“I don’t believe it,” Dash said.
Twilight looked around, she had no idea where she was.she began to take note of the location, using her instincts to tell her where she was. She noted that the location was a plain white void, nothing to make it unique or anything to give it life…except for a very large door with an eye on it and a white featureless unicorn in front of her. “Well, this is different isn’t it” Spoke the unicorn, the voice as genderless as its features.
“What do you mean? Who are you? Where am I?” Twilight asked, her mind trying to wrap around where she was.
“Me? I am the world, or perhaps the Universe, I am God,I am Truth, I am ‘All’, I am ‘One’ and...I am You You are in my realm and as for what I mean is that I have never had anyone do what you just did.” The Truth smiled
“What I did?”
“Usually when someone tries human transmutation they usually come alone giving up a part of their body in exchange for seeing this,” Truth points to the door. “But you, my little pony, did something unique.”
“That is?”
“You pushed the young dragon off the circle as he was finishing the transmutation and you interrupted him, completing yourself. If that weren’t enough, you combined it with magic, mixing the two together in a way that I have never seen before. You know I was going to take Spike’s heart for what he was going to do, you know irony…BUT you spoiled that idea. You did the transmutation and according to the basic law, I need to take something from you.” Truth looked down at Twilight imposing
“So what now, you’ll take my horn away?”
“Oh no, you see, that would be for alchemy…you on the other hand added magic, which is completely different. IT creates something from nothing, bypassing all laws of science as we know it. You offered your payment for the transmutation to science, three years of your life.”
“It was worth it”
“So, now here you are. The first of a rare creature I have ever encountered, a person who used the science of alchemy mixed with the power of magic. I need something from you in order to give the world what you were transmuting. The question is what? Aw, who am I kidding, I know!”
“What?”
“ You are a student right? You like to study and give reports and take in lessons, correct? Then, here’s the deal, I am going to send you on an adventure. You will study there for a while, having new experiences and a life you never imagined. Your assignment: find your way back. When you do, I will take what you have learned, because I am curious about magic myself and how to mix it with science. That will be equivalent to the three years of life you had given to magic.”
“DEAL!” Twilight looked straight at Truth, determined.
“So, eager! I like people like you.” Truth grinned.
Twilight watched the doors open before her, black hands reaching from within and grabbing her. The hands pulled her slowly into the massive door, dragging her into the void. As she went in, she felt as if all the information in the world-no, the universe-was poured into her head, she began to see visions of her entire life pass through her head. She also began to feel strange and a little sick, soon fainting.
Twilight woke up in an alley, feeling dizzy. She tried to put one foot forward, only to see something pale and pink sticking out, “What?” Looking around she tried to regain her balance, but felt as if her equilibrium was off. She looked for a mirror to see what it was that was different. Picking up a broken mirror shard, she looked into the eyes of a purple haired woman. “What. What? WHAT!?”
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Let's break this down a bit:
The first and foremost issue that came up was an evident lack of significant proofreading. Several errors in spelling, punctuation and capitalization can be found.
Pacing, as I find is the case in many fan-fictions, was troublesome. Too many people make the common mistake of getting ahead of themselves, and running head-long into the plot, when there's no need to rush.
What you have here is what I call a "skeletal story", where you have all the necessary "bones" to connect the skull to the toes, but there's not a lot of "flesh" to the story. So, flesh it out. Give us as many details as you can; paint us a picture of the world you see in your head when you dream of this story. We can't see what's inside your head, and only the words you write down give us any indication as to what's happening, so keep that in mind!
Now for some positive critique; the plot has potential, and I was particularly drawn into it in the last few sentences, and I wanted to know what happens next. Take a little more care with future installments, and this could evolve into something great!
505196
Thank you, it has been about twelve years since I sent out a fanfic and this was to get me started. I was thinking about sending out a proofreader and I do want to get this fleshed out more. I felt like a little something is missing as I wrote it and I hope that I can only improve as the story continues. Thank you for the constructive critism and I am going to take it to heart.
The truth is, I am still trying to improve myself since I was 13 yrs old, back when I never gave that much descriptions or flesh...the horror, the horror
umm there's no human tag damnit now im stuck reading a human story oh well as long as its good
Hmmm, seems I was beaten to the punch on reviewing the story. Oh well, first of all, I'd like to second all of MrGeorgeFlorcus' points. Now, since I wouldn't feel right just re-hashing a review, here are some of my personal points:
Okay, first, it would be nice to know which version of FMA this is, as there are basically two, functionally three with both animes and the manga. I'm assuming you're doing the first anime, but again, good to clarify.
Second, let's elaborate on how to flesh out the story. My suggestion? Open with the rarity fire. It's exciting, throws the reader into the story, and gives us an emotionally vibrant setting. We don't have to hear how it destroys the mane six, we can watch it happen, the horror as she's trapped, the guilt, the loss. We can feel what they feel, instead of having it told to us. Then, cut to twilight having a happy time at her reunion, which gives a nice juxtaposition, and a bitter element as we know twilight is heading back into an emotional brick wall. After that, stretch out the spells, researching them, planning them. Having spike just "Oh hai, I'm doing suicidal alchemy!" out of the blue cuts into the emotional impact. it's better to see how its destroyed him, to sell him as a dragon without purpose.
Third: Give the Truth more character. As is, it seems... almost darkly humorous and menacing, but it doesn't quite sell it. Make it more playful and malicious. Really sell the whole "I was going to trade him for his heart." aspect. And give it more feeling with twilight's interference. Either make it furious "How DARE YOU?!" or a playful "Ah, Twilight sparkle, right on time. I would have made Tea, but I'm a door."
That's it for chapter 1. I'll do separate ones for the further chapters.
Hello, my name is Kookie Crave and I will be reviewing you in the name of the group, Authors Helping Authors. I hope you will be well pleased in my review.
Name of Story: Friendship is Eternal
Grammar 9 out of 10: 7
I noticed that you seem to switch between past and present tense. It becomes more apparent when you described the action scene of the fire and the characters as they try to rush or complete an action. Toward the end of the conversation between Truth and Twilight, a good portion of the punctuations were missing. I think getting a proof-reader to comb over some paragraphs might be an great help to you work. Also, their conversation quickly turned into talking heads. I would have liked to read some of Twilight's reactions while she was in Truth's domain. Did she try to stand or float? Try to break up the talking heads by adding something to break up the conversation.
Pros:
The end of chapter one was quite a surprise and who knew that Truth would be appearing?
This story shows promise. I've never read a mlp cross-over with Full Metal Alchemist before.
I feel that this chapter... Though its spread very thin than I would have liked, gives a strong hook to read the next chapter to find out what happened to Twilight.
Cons:
Some of the scenes could have been stretched out longer like when Spike decided to attempt to transmute Rarity back to life.
A good portion of the information is stuck in these bricks that makes it hard to read. I suggest that you trim them and create smaller paragraphs .
The story feels slightly rushed. Rarity's death is a climax leading up to most of the plot of the story yet it only takes 1/4 of this chapter. I think that another chapter should be made to go in greater detail on half of this chapter as there is a few plot holes. For example, why did Twilight go to the Reunion without Spike and what happened to Sweetie Bell? Shouldn't she and Spike have been attempting to activate the transmutation circle together?
Notes Section:
I dislike the way Truth was spoke to Twilight and the way it implied that Twilight knew about alchemy but that is my own personal opinion. How it know that Twilight would have knew that it would have taken Spike's heart? I need some more background information or at least a prequel chapter? And why did Truth refer to human transformation when he was dealing with Twilight, supposing it would have had past interactions with the Equestria populace enough for there to be a book on transmutations in Twilight's library? These plot holes are unsettling.
Kookie Crave, free-lance Reviewer and Plot Lord Thief.
oh no... not... no... DAM IT!!! WHY DOES TWILIGHT HAVE TO BE TURNED INTO HUMAN??!??!?