Loves to read and write, I decided to try writing fanfiction after a long hiatus thanks to ponies
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(Set 6 years after the FMA Magna's end, this will be following the magna continuity)
Alchemy, the science of understanding a substance, breaking it down, and restructing it into a new form.
Twilight Sparkle, a mage, must now figure out how to handle this science as she is thrown into a different world after saving her trusted assistant. Her magic gone, she learns from an experienced Alchemist as she goes off in search of the only stone that can bring her home.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Let's break this down a bit:
The first and foremost issue that came up was an evident lack of significant proofreading. Several errors in spelling, punctuation and capitalization can be found.
Pacing, as I find is the case in many fan-fictions, was troublesome. Too many people make the common mistake of getting ahead of themselves, and running head-long into the plot, when there's no need to rush.
What you have here is what I call a "skeletal story", where you have all the necessary "bones" to connect the skull to the toes, but there's not a lot of "flesh" to the story. So, flesh it out. Give us as many details as you can; paint us a picture of the world you see in your head when you dream of this story. We can't see what's inside your head, and only the words you write down give us any indication as to what's happening, so keep that in mind!
Now for some positive critique; the plot has potential, and I was particularly drawn into it in the last few sentences, and I wanted to know what happens next. Take a little more care with future installments, and this could evolve into something great!
505196
Thank you, it has been about twelve years since I sent out a fanfic and this was to get me started. I was thinking about sending out a proofreader and I do want to get this fleshed out more. I felt like a little something is missing as I wrote it and I hope that I can only improve as the story continues. Thank you for the constructive critism and I am going to take it to heart.
The truth is, I am still trying to improve myself since I was 13 yrs old, back when I never gave that much descriptions or flesh...the horror, the horror
Ok, I edited this a bit, but I am still curious to if I need a pre-reader and a proof reader, well lets find out
umm there's no human tag damnit now im stuck reading a human story oh well as long as its good
well at least its not earth human
screw me i cant answer that
Nice, you gonna be making more short jokes at Ed's expense again? Although, he is taller technically, though I'll always know him as the lovable pipsqueak who always kicks ass.
645955
I am going to try and resist the urge, I am so going to try and resist. You dont know how hard it was for me to not have Roy do something to his paperwork
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Understandable. All in all, I like him. never lets anyone keep him down. Wish I could be more like him. I'm too much of a coward to stand up for myself most of the time
Hmmm, seems I was beaten to the punch on reviewing the story. Oh well, first of all, I'd like to second all of MrGeorgeFlorcus' points. Now, since I wouldn't feel right just re-hashing a review, here are some of my personal points:
Okay, first, it would be nice to know which version of FMA this is, as there are basically two, functionally three with both animes and the manga. I'm assuming you're doing the first anime, but again, good to clarify.
Second, let's elaborate on how to flesh out the story. My suggestion? Open with the rarity fire. It's exciting, throws the reader into the story, and gives us an emotionally vibrant setting. We don't have to hear how it destroys the mane six, we can watch it happen, the horror as she's trapped, the guilt, the loss. We can feel what they feel, instead of having it told to us. Then, cut to twilight having a happy time at her reunion, which gives a nice juxtaposition, and a bitter element as we know twilight is heading back into an emotional brick wall. After that, stretch out the spells, researching them, planning them. Having spike just "Oh hai, I'm doing suicidal alchemy!" out of the blue cuts into the emotional impact. it's better to see how its destroyed him, to sell him as a dragon without purpose.
Third: Give the Truth more character. As is, it seems... almost darkly humorous and menacing, but it doesn't quite sell it. Make it more playful and malicious. Really sell the whole "I was going to trade him for his heart." aspect. And give it more feeling with twilight's interference. Either make it furious "How DARE YOU?!" or a playful "Ah, Twilight sparkle, right on time. I would have made Tea, but I'm a door."
That's it for chapter 1. I'll do separate ones for the further chapters.
1968194
Thank you for the suggestions, I will really take them to heart. I had been thinking of rewriting the first chapter a little to make it a bit better and perhaps I'll use some of your suggestions. and thanks for the look at the story
Oh come on, unknown antagonist... leave them alone!
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Unknown antagonist: oh come on, where is the fun in that? I love to hurt these guys...
I love to hurt my characters someday
2054032 Very well then, I r-GET 'EM PINKIE!
lh6.googleusercontent.com/YNAKTv_sCsLMj-6irvk62-ulHUjclBq_RyIqjIEgbEvEsX81N8J9b5_9iT3c9HJiV1GfE1uYaxXJWXzWr577lkD_7-QJmDGpOZoAvBINgmXN-5MGO2IT
Not quite sure what was meant to go here... seems the same in both sets of quotes.
2054438
Excuse me...DARN YOU GOOGLE DOCS!!!!!!
It was meant to be really tiny text for the joke to work.
Aww, shucks, you're making me blush...you misspelled manga by the way.
2054438
Hmm, seems I'll have to keep this in mind when I edit.
2054576
So I misspell once in a while, so there
Hello, my name is Kookie Crave and I will be reviewing you in the name of the group, Authors Helping Authors. I hope you will be well pleased in my review.
Name of Story: Friendship is Eternal
Grammar 9 out of 10: 7
I noticed that you seem to switch between past and present tense. It becomes more apparent when you described the action scene of the fire and the characters as they try to rush or complete an action. Toward the end of the conversation between Truth and Twilight, a good portion of the punctuations were missing. I think getting a proof-reader to comb over some paragraphs might be an great help to you work. Also, their conversation quickly turned into talking heads. I would have liked to read some of Twilight's reactions while she was in Truth's domain. Did she try to stand or float? Try to break up the talking heads by adding something to break up the conversation.
Pros:
The end of chapter one was quite a surprise and who knew that Truth would be appearing?
This story shows promise. I've never read a mlp cross-over with Full Metal Alchemist before.
I feel that this chapter... Though its spread very thin than I would have liked, gives a strong hook to read the next chapter to find out what happened to Twilight.
Cons:
Some of the scenes could have been stretched out longer like when Spike decided to attempt to transmute Rarity back to life.
A good portion of the information is stuck in these bricks that makes it hard to read. I suggest that you trim them and create smaller paragraphs .
The story feels slightly rushed. Rarity's death is a climax leading up to most of the plot of the story yet it only takes 1/4 of this chapter. I think that another chapter should be made to go in greater detail on half of this chapter as there is a few plot holes. For example, why did Twilight go to the Reunion without Spike and what happened to Sweetie Bell? Shouldn't she and Spike have been attempting to activate the transmutation circle together?
Notes Section:
I dislike the way Truth was spoke to Twilight and the way it implied that Twilight knew about alchemy but that is my own personal opinion. How it know that Twilight would have knew that it would have taken Spike's heart? I need some more background information or at least a prequel chapter? And why did Truth refer to human transformation when he was dealing with Twilight, supposing it would have had past interactions with the Equestria populace enough for there to be a book on transmutations in Twilight's library? These plot holes are unsettling.
Kookie Crave, free-lance Reviewer and Plot Lord Thief.
2054615Twice actually. Both within a sentence of each other. Both with the same mistake.
I'm not exactly into PoE fics, but since its FMA, I'll grin and bear it.
Why am I thinking the Old Unicron is Hoheniheim?
2195431
Because Hoheniheim is awesome?
2195929 I knew it
So Rarity is making Twilights sacrifice of three years completely moot
2271458
Or is she?
or maybe she is
I have got to stop teasing my audience
To the untrained ear, it would be... The exact thing she just said, what on earth happened there?
2305156
It was supposed to be really small text in the g-docs version, however it didn't translate into the fimfiction version.
One Piece references... One Piece references everywhere...
DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUVE DONE?
I had to go back and re-read the entire fma series because I never finished it
2372900
My job is done here.
:read authors notes: And so you should, it's an amazing movie!
OK, now that I've read the whole thing it's time I gave my thoughts.
First the good: The concept was good, and the way you potrayed the characters was just like I remember them from the shows, I also liked the whole multi-verse idea, very nice.
Now the bad... well not so much bad as much as not as good as it could have been: most of the chapters have a nack for glossing over certain things atmosphere being one of then, what I tend to get from this story is "oh look the main big bad just killed himself how sad... ok I'm done, move on." in those sort of situations you've really gotta potray more emotion, what's going through everyones heads, what are they thinking, what they feeling, and that kinda stuff, you've really gotta slow down and let it sink in while potraying the effect in has on everyone else, it make it more real to the reader and make the characters more 3 dimenional.
And I also noticed that alot of the chapters missed out on alot of potential, one example is the museum break in, you REALLY could've done more with that, I'm talking zip lines, infer-red goggles, close calls with security, laser trip wires and a mission impossible 2 theme in the background! All of that would've made the whole scene so much more suspence and overall more interesting, another example, Unicornia, a city that see's all but Unicorns as slums or slaves, you really could've done ALOT more with that especially with the Mane 6-er... 5, being in disguise, and I would've liked to see them searching for info then having then trade stories rather then skipping straight to the meet up, and seeing them get found out as none Unicorns and the resulting fall out would've REALLY made the chapter more interesting.
Then there's the multiverse thing, you made it clear that it had a role to play, but besides a few alternate versions of well known characters popping up, we really DON'T see the effect the universes colliding with eachother has one eachother, I would think it would be much more extreme then shown, natual disasters, strange creatures popping up out of nowhere, entire citys or countrys vanishing without a trace etc etc. I know I said this was a good idea, and it is, but it's the way you HANDLED it that I think could've been better.
And speaking of the cameos, come on dude, apart from Discord and (debatably) Mustang, NONE of them did anything! I mean you had Major Armstrong right there, but instead of seeing any action, he had a breif intro, a little comedy, and then we don't see him again, and then theres the cameos by Kimberlee and the Homonculi, these were some of the most psychotic and dangerous characters in the whole FMA series, and you didn't have them even THINK about trying to kill the Mane 5 for even a second... WHY?!
The last thing isn't as big as the others, but why did Mustang appear at the fight scene alone? The number 1 rule when have Roy Mustang in your fic, is to always, ALWAYS have Riza Hawkeye there to act as both his support, his leash, AND his comedic foil... ALWAYS!!!
I'm not sure if theres anything I missed or forgot, but even so I think I've given you enough to work with for now, so if you, for some reason or another, decide to rewrite this fic, check this comment and see if this advice helps.
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Wow, this comment...wow. Thanks. this is probably one of more in depth comments I have had on this story as a whole. Thank you so much. I do every comment that comes in and I try to look into each one. So thank you so much. ITs comments like this that remind me why I love this site and writing here more than some other sites.
Ok, first what you said on the good. Thanks for mentioning the in character moments, it has been something that I had hoped to get right and something I had been trying to fix since I had started writing fanficiton.
now for the bad, the first one. Yeah, I kind of have to agree, certain scenes I am looking back on and am thinking about extending a little (like Albert's death, Issac had a better demise) or certain moments in the fic. I do think I may have done a good job on Rarity's struggles with her living and trying to get over what has happened. Maybe that is chapter 11 is may fave.
Second one, You know...you are kind of right. It does seem like there is somegood story bits here I could've done with a city that is racist against all other species and done more with the mane 5 in secret. Also the ideas for the mesuem break in...sound pretty dang good.
As for the third, I think you are right. The truth is, the main idea I had with the multiverse was mainly to explain the cameos popping in and out of existance. I also wanted to try and add to the threat with the idea of the universe collapsing but that was it. Now that you mentioned it, maybe I could have also added a few reports of cities wiping out or people vanishing...hmmmmm, (notes)
As for the cameos...maybe Armstrong should've done a little bit more. But I want to talk about Kimblee, I kind of wanted him only there as a guy from an alt FMA time line where he was an explosive cook...maybe I should've explained it a bit more.
Again, you have given me a lot to think about and to work with. Thank you so much for the comment
2437371 Anytime, I'm glad I could help out.
And yes, the way you showed Raritys struggle was very well done, I have little to no problems with it.
As for Major Armstrong and co, what I meant was there are just so many colourful characters in FMA, the Briggs soldiers, Major Armstrongs sister, and the rest of his family for that matter, Mustangs squad (especially Riza, course you know, she's bad-ass!), the reformed Seline Bradly, Scar whose now past his quest of revenge, and of course Izumie Curtis and Sig. All of which could have opened the way for more in depth character development, and, depending on the character in question, many funny, sweet, emotional, and tense moments as the story went on.
The same could be said for MLP to, the now reformed Discord, the Princesses, Trixie, Spike and the CCCs etc etc etc. Plus, with all these places they're visiting, many of which I beleave are YOUR creations, means you have ample room to make YOUR OWN characters to fit the events taking place. which as stated above, could've led to many funny, sweet, emotional, and tense moments.
And it's not like they wouldn't have had time to see and spend time, even only 1 or 2 days, with these guys, this fic is meant to last 3 years afterall, so that quite a lot of time.
And adding these characters and moments would've worked to expand and add depth to they're respective worlds too.
As for Kimberlee, I guess I can let that slide, but yeah the whole explosive cook bit, needed to be better potrayed, maybe with a scene of him actually USING his alchemy to do the cooking, that's comedy gold right there.
Now you've mentioned I was right about Unicornia, good, but there was more to that comment, when I said that Iwas using it as an example for ALL the places they visited, but since then, I HAVE come up with another Idea for the place that came after it (I forgot the name) but I'll wait and see if you wanna hear it first, it's your fic afterall, and I'd hate to steal your thunder.
2437711
The place after unicornia was Coltonville (named after the place in My little pony tales) and I wouldnt mind hearing that idea you might have for that place because I always like hearing ideas and adding them.
As for the FMA characters, looking back on this story and listening to your suggestions...I am starting to think of some small things I can do with Izumi, Scar, and Riza (who I love dearly as one of my fave of Mustang's crew.) and I keep thinking of what to do for the princesses. Maybe one day...I'll come back.
2437851 Well, Coltenville was the one with all the stone ponys right? So let me think it over a bit and I'll get back to you.
Minor nitpick. It might be beneficial to add a little atmosphere to the scene where Roy hand Edward his watch. Say what each person is doing it something, cause ring now they seem like they're standing in an alleyway.
Kimblee works for the Baratie? Dafaq is happening? Next we're gonna see Nami the weather alchemist or Kakashi, 11th captain of the Shinigami.
2560022
Its a small reference to Kimblee's english voice actor...I couldnt resist putting in an alternate universe where he worked for the Baratie at one point just to make that joke. Trust me...I also had a reference planned for Roy and Risa but I couldnt work that in (Ac
...wut.
2560034 I think you reply to AppleTank got cut off dude.
Also, SORRY! I know I said I'd get back to you with my ideas concerning Coltinville but it took longer to work out the bugs.
I think I've got it now so if you want to hear it just let me know... but chances are I'll just tell you anyway if you wait long enough.
2615492
Please tell me, I am quite curious
2615816Well now, this idea kind of changes a few things, first of all when the ponies arrive in Coltenville it's pretty much the same as the original right up until they find the journal, just before they read it they hear a huge crash, and when they get out side again they find
ENVY! And he. Is. PISSED! After all, he just went through all the trouble of forcing his way through the Gate of Truth in dragon form in order to find and take revenge on his no good Father Hoenhiem the Light (This Envy is the 2003 anime one) only to get knocked off course at the last second and end up who-knows-where. Then he spies the Mane 5 and being the cruel sadistic bastard he is decides that since they're there, the best way to feel better is to tear them apart just for the heck of it, and you can probably figure the rest from there.(For the record, the ponies encounter him in human form... he's a shape shifter, so the whole turning into a pony thing would have a minimal effect on him.) What makes this event unique however is that it becomes it's own subplot, as after the first encounter, every other chapter or so Envy with jump out of nowhere and try to kill them over and over again, all the while having a real good time doing so, only for them to escape him due to wit, luck, or a combo of the two. This subplot will also come to a head at the final battle... but I'll save that for later.
So, you thoughts?
2615918
Hmmmm, it sounds good. That way, it can wrap back up to the merging dimesnions, since the 2003 anime is another universe. It would start the girls to try and figure out how much time they have to fix things while Twilight is dealing with her part. I like it
2616003And I haven't even told you about what effect this subplot has on the final battle yet... I warn ya though, it's pretty manic.
2616148
*Taking notes* tell me more I am interested.
2617229 Okay, but remember, you asked for it and you do this at your own risk. (It's just THAT wild.)
You have been warned!
Now before we get to the juicy stuff I'd like to point out something that should be made clear at an earlier point in the story, like 1 or 2 chapters or so. And that is the merging of Equestria and Earth has gone so far at this point that both planets a visible in the others sky... no really a human or pony just has to look up and they'd see Equestria and Earth respectively hanging RIGHT OVER THIER HEADS!
Of course that's assuming they can find the time to, what with all the disasters going on as a result of all this.(This'll be a pretty good chance to work in Daisy's "The horror" joke by the way) Like the Envy subplot, this event will also play a pretty big role in the final battle.
Still want me go on... this maybe your last chance to back out after all. (Like I said, it's THAT wild of a battle.)
2618411
Are you kidding...I've written wilder!
Go on!
2619004 Well... ok.
The settings are the respective castles of the brothers, whose names escape me, so I'll refer to them as Alc-Bro (Alchemy Brother) and Mag-Bro (Magic Brother) for now.
On Earth Twilight and the Elrics have just have just finished they're battle with the Alc-Bro, as a result, he becomes increasingly more insane and desperate and so grabs the stone while screaming and shouting at the group, all while threatening to smash the stone to bits. (The guys nuts after all.)
Meanwhile on Equestria, Mag-Bro has just finished telling his and his brothers backstory (He's not as close to deaths door in this version so he doesn't need to lay down just yet and therefore is still standing with the Mane 5), but before even WE have a chance to absorb it all, Envy slithers out of the shadows(literately or figuratively, your choice) and grabs the stone from it's pedestal and after taunting the ponies threatens to crush it, all the while going on about how he'll enjoy the looks of despair on their faces when he does(it IS Envy we're talking about.) and all that. Mag-Bro tries to stop him, but get's slammed against the wall by a laughing Envy(which puts him in the same position as in the original version.) and just as Envy raises the stone to destroy it... all hell breaks loose.
You following me ok so far?