• Member Since 9th Nov, 2014
  • offline last seen 7 hours ago

Pluto Daze


Pluto is a planet: change my mind

Comments ( 43 )

I've read some pretty unoriginal shit.

This is not one of them.

EDIT: Shouldn't you guys be thumbing down my comment because I said this was NOT unoriginal?

The Arabic text says Fallout Equestria: Saddle Arabia, right?

5274796 the Arabic text reads fallout Equestria: Saddle Arabia

When i saw this i tough "This better not be another Fallout: equestria junk fic" it wasn't, it's not at the level of fallout equestria, but it is close, the chapters aren't long enough compared to Fallout equestria, it's good so far.

5274908 thx i'll try to make the chapters longer

Ooh! Arabiac... I think.. I dun know Imma go look for some goth fiction

Two stories I should review, this one or another one.

Wat

For the love of god, the fandom is already oversaturated with Fallout Equestria knockoffs, drawing attention away from more original and potentially better stories. When will it end?

5275375 with some of the shit I've seen recently, hopefully never!

This pretty damn awsome! Good character, pretty decent backstory. If it was a little bit longer I would love it more!

I don't know why this story is being given a lot of dislikes though...

5275404 probably because i'm new to this writing thing. not trying to be mean, just saying i'm new to this.

5275415 well to help you, I would recommend becoming a member of the struggling authors group and the writers group to get an editor and a proof reader. Then once you get more likes, self-promote it in the shameless self-promotion group.

(Which I'm a memeber of all three of you need a link to them.)

5275423 thx bro, i'll check them out.

5275451 no prob! Anything to help a new author.

Comment posted by Da Bunnana King deleted Nov 16th, 2014
Comment posted by Pluto Daze deleted Nov 16th, 2014

This story is... something special, neutrally spoken.

First and foremost:
why " تداعيات " and all that stuff? Just why?

It doesn't add anything to your story and makes you look like a guy who wants to show off he speaks/writes Arabic. But to us normal readers, it's pretty pointless, left alone that the constant translations in parentheses destroy the reading flow.
If would strongly recommend scratching the part written in Arabic and just write down English. Your characters are able to speak it - you've proven that yourself in your chapter - so why is there the need to switch languages in private conversations? Because quod licet scriptore malo , non licet generaliter.

Additionally, if they have to talk Arabic, why is the narration in English? (Just a provocative question)




The second thing is, that your lore... just isn't the lore of FoE.
- Stables being called Stables where never built by other nations than Equestria, They would most certainly come up with their own name. A stable isn't usually connected to zebras.
- the conflict wasn't about oil. Oil as a power source isn't used in the FoE world and gold is never shown to be important either. So your premiss seems quite weird for a FoE fic
- (MLP canon nitpicking): Saddle Arabia is shown to be inhabited by horses, not zebras
- that stuff:

The Crusades, the Mulanic split war-"

The world of FoE isn't the real world. Recoloring history like this does a) remove your universe even further from the one you want your story to be in b) seems a bit lazy.




"Prolouge" is spelled wrong. It's "Prologue"




Spacing is good most of the time, but sometimes you put several speakers in one paragraph. That looks weird and it confuses the readers. I would recommend sticking to the "one speaker - one paragraph/new speaker - new paragraph" rule in all instances.




(to this day, I have no idea how zebra hooves can grab stuff

That's nothing a zebra should be wondering about. Meta-info/jokes like this make the story feel as if a human is narrating it. And you do want we feel as if Terra is the narrator, don't you?




stable 9

That two countries came up with the exact same idea seems like kind of a stretch.




The "the stable is under attack scene and we have to flee" is something so many authors do. And it's always... stale. There's no build-up, there's no reason and it happens so soon after the story starts. I just don't like it, it's deus ex machina at its worst.
There weren't any hints that the father would be leaving. Even if it's intended to be a secret, this is a story. For the sake of the readers, you have to give us hints what happens or we will be surprised not in a good way. Plot-twists only make sense if it all is understandable in retrospect, while the hints suddenly make sense and so on.




The whole attack and flight scene is just too fast. And everything is way too convenient.
Why weren't there any problems for your characters to get to the stable door, while there was an attack?
Why aren't they wondering about what is happening? They just act as if they are trained to do this. Usual zebra/pony minds don't work that way.
Why are there no signs of the attack
Why is there the option to seal a Stable Door permanently? It doesn't make sense, since Stables were meant to open one day to rebuild Equestria (or the world apparently in your story) And why can this option be accessed by an ordinary pony? Wouldn't it make more sense if only the leader of the stable would be able to do that? it's like every citizen of a country with nuclear weapons would be able to fire them at something.




I'm not giving this story a downvote, I never do. But in my eyes, it needs a lot of work to be a good FoE story.
Basic lore mistakes/changes, inconsequences in your narration, plot-convenience like this and missing details on the important pieces of your narration and the overall too fast pacing makes it too hard for me to give this a all-out like.
I'll have to see how you continue your story before I can come to a conclusion about that.

5277873 thanks for the info, i'm new to the writing. i'll look at it.

Edit: in Saddle Arabia's part of the war it was about oil, this is all canon in my eyes since in the show it only mentions Saddle Arabia a few times and nothing else, also i use Google translate for the Arabic, and it doesn't give me the English spelling of it, i'll also think of a different name for the Arabic stable's. thanks for the info bro.

5275375
Hey, brah. You should chill. People like writing in this genre. People like reading this genre. If you don't like it, don't read it. And you really shouldn't be one of those people who downvote a story just because of the genre. Did you even take the time to read it? Just asking.

also i use Google translate for the Arabic

So you don't speak Arabic?

5278182 nope, i put the translation in parenthesis.

Comment posted by pvtread deleted Nov 23rd, 2014
Comment posted by pvtread deleted Nov 23rd, 2014
Comment posted by pvtread deleted Nov 23rd, 2014
Comment posted by pvtread deleted Nov 23rd, 2014

You should check out my story Fallout Stalliongrad. You might get some good ideas. Oh and if you plan on exploring the past, I have ponified the Mujahadine and the ponification of it is Marejahadine. Oh, and instead of Kolisnikov, Coltlishnikov or CK-47. Just a couple of things you could use.

5278197
If you're a non-native Arabic speaker, then don't do that kind of thing. If you yourself aren't sure what you write is grammatically correct, don't write it down it!

It's a double-edged sword, but in this case, both edges go against you:
- the people who don't speak Arab won't be able to make anything out of it (they won't even know how the arab-ponies speak.) or think it's unnecessary. Either way, there won't be anything in it for either them or you
- the people who actually speak arab will see how horribly wrong that Arabic of yours is. Google Translator can give you a clue what a sentence might mean, but it never ever translates into everyday language. To them, you'll most likely look stupid.

So nobody is happy in the end.

If I throw this at you (which I would never do in any other case):
οὐλομένην, ἥ μυρί’ προίαψεν Ἀχαιοῖςαὐτοὺς ἄλγε’ ἔθηκε,
πολλὰςἑλώρια τεῦχε δ κύνεσσιν ἰφθίμους ψυχὰς Ἄιδι
(if you think about it, humanity is pretty cruel;
if you look closer, humanity in and off itself is just stupid)

What would you think?

5278248 i think i see what your saying.

I think I found a little problem,

"What happened?" I asked. "You had hypothermia." the stallion responded. "I'm Ebrahim."

Every time you have a different person talking you should start a new paragraph
How that series of dialogue should go

"What happened?" I asked.
You had hypothermia," the stallion responded. "I'm Ebrahim."

Also, the pace is to fast... Slow it down, flesh out the details. And most importantly continue to work on getting an editor and a proof-reader.

5286862 a family member of my edits the story for me but, thanks for the info about the spacing between the dialogue.

"Ta surakh gej baina , khaad khezee ch zovlontoi uu!"

"Ene ni deer, odoo khüleelgen ögökh yum."

Just wondering: are you using Arabic, Turkish, or both?

5323248 at that point it's Mongolian in English pronunciation

5323257
Transliterated Mongolian? What would Mongols be doing in the Middle East?

5323262 in history the mongols were in Iran for a while as the Timurid's. so I put them in my story :)

Edit: I checked to see if they were in the middle east, they had Turkey in 1279. (wow)

5323273
Historically and linguistically accurate? Bi durtai!

Edit: They controlled Anatolia in 1279? I thought it looked familiar.

5323286 I'm a historic nut. :D

edit: Bi durtai? what does that mean. just wondering.

edit edit: yes i'm trying to make things historically possible

5323453
Let me test your knowledge:

1. Why is Standard Albanian based on the Tosk dialect?
2. In what year did the Ottoman Empire reach its greatest extent?
-- BONUS: Who was the sultan during that time?
3. How long did the Umayyad Caliphate last?

Edit: Bi durtai is Mongolian for "I like it." In its proper Cyrillic, it would appear as "Би дуртaй."

5323498 1. don't know anything about Albania. 2. somewhere in the mid 1700s. 3. lasted until about the mid-medieval era

(I didn't use google to look up the answers so it might not be right)

5323683
Okay, here we go:

1. Gheg Albanian is typically associated with the upper class, Tosk with the lower. Communist leader Enver Hoxha wanted to win support of the lower class, and standardizing Albanian using Tosk was one step to accomplish this.
2. 1683.
-- BONUS: Süleyman I (AKA "Süleyman the Lawgiver")
3. Well, let's see: the Caliphate was founded in 661 and lasted until 750. That gives it a lifespan of 89 years.

Good job!

Comment posted by Pluto Daze deleted Mar 17th, 2016
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