I like just about all things pony, be it stories or artwork.
Twilight sparkle and Cadence rule over Equestria after Celestia and Luna step down and enter their retirement. It has been 500 years since then. Both ruling princesses are keeping the peace of Equestria intact with the guidance and wisdom of their predecessors until one day a strange Alicorn male enters ponyville. Will the harmony of Equestria hold out? Will this new pony destroy the harmony as we know it? What surprises are in store for our Princess in The coming of the shade.
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Well aren't you so original.
Oh it can't be that ba-
>character bio first thing
>self-insert
>rainblow crash somehow alive after 500 years
>all the mane 6 alive after 500 years
>"Apple Jack"
>"Rarities"
>Chapter 3 literally repeats the last half of Chapter 2
>NOTHING IS DIFFERENT IT'S JUST THE LAST HALF OF CHAPTER 2
>"Solar Flare" (ugh) and Nightmare Moon are the equivalent of an anime powerup
technobuffalo.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Seinfeld-Leaving.gif
Props for actually drawing the OC (unless you found it on Google Images; that and the edgier than bismuth isn't excused in the slightest (call me a hypocrite, since I too have an edgy character, sadly)), but that's sadly the only thing in this story that has effort put into it. No use reiterating what has been said, so I'll just leave three tidbits in my wake:
1) Pre-reader, artist (for cover art) and editor. Get them, please.
2) Show, don't tell.
3) Kill your darlings.
The edge is strong in this one...
“Quiet” one of the guards said as he pressed his pear a little harder against his throat “Not another word, we will see what first captain wants to do with you.”
I didn't know pears were dangerous.
5244967
We're rather unassuming, but do try not to get us angry.
Oops, sorry every pony, I had meant to remove the last part of chapter 2 because it wasn't supposed to be there. I somehow missed that part. This is the first thing I have written in almost 10 years. I am out of practice and I have had a hard time getting it proof read. After having said that... Yaay thank you for pointing out the typo of the missing S in the word Spear making it into pear. I'll fix that.
5246215
First off clicking ">>" in the righthand corner of the comment will reply to that comment so people can actually see that you replied to them.
Edgy doesn't mean what you think it means. They're using edgy in the "that's so tryhard at being cool/badass/dark it's terrible" sense, not the artistic sense.
I can provide a full review of this fic if you so desire.
5246430 please do, I would very much like that.
5246547
Alright, expect one coming in the afternoon when I'm not sleepy.
5246556 thank you very much
5246608
Only doing the first chapter.
Right off the bat there's a big no-no. Your character sheet. Keep that to yourself and expand it, but don't plop it in a story. Also, red and black character? Those are bad colors for an OC in these parts. There's very few dark color ponies in the show. The cliche "technicolor pony" exists for a reason.
I've been taught that parenthetical thoughts should be marked like this with em dashes, not parentheses. Like so:
That parenthetical can be cut entirely. It's dumb and almost insulting. Who else could you possibly be talking about with the word "mom"?
Next time you do a note, I suggest either centering it or placing it in a quote box. Anything to separate it from normal text.
The subject of time span: 500 years have passed you say. And yet, it seems like everyone from the show is still alive. Try 5 years instead of 500.
Huge, massive horsefiction cliche. It's cute to you but everyone else has seen it driven into the ground.
Aside from that it's typical. He's got something to make him special (multicolored wings), is an alicorn whose parents are DEAAAAAD, and he meets a member of the mane six almost right off the bat. This exact setup has been done countless times before, and will be done countless times after this fic is forgotten. I genuinely cannot think of a time I've read a good fic with this premise.
First time writing in a while? Awesome, ponies got me back into writing too. But this isn't the kind of thing you should attempt right off the bat. Warm up first. Learn what to do and what not to do. Write a couple short stories under the slice-of-life or comedy tags.
Find a grammar/spellcheck program (MS Word, Grammarly, whatever) and use it. Then find someone to pre/proofread and send this over to them after using the spellcheck. Then run the spellcheck program again. Only after that do you even consider publishing the story.
not bad sofar
5284215 Thank you very much Tundra7.
5284614 so whens the next update coming?
5620493
soon, I'm having someone go over it first.
are you releasing more then one chapter or something? it's been a while
5621177
I have been really busy with 2 jobs lately and have been on a writing hiatus. I have several chapters done, I'm not going to publish them as of just yet though I want to have them proofed first. So far your the first person to want more of my fic.
it was an ok chapter, still the mager issue with this story is the length of the chapters and the time it takes for each new one to come out
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now that i got that out of my system
not bad, but like i said. this story needs to be updated faster, the best way to up date this would be about 2 chapters a week
I notice a lot of deleted comments from some of the more well-known users on this site. Just a tip, unless you WANT to make enemies, don't delete comments. It just shows you can't handle criticism.
Except Starla. Ignore that dead weight all you want.
5767599 the reason I deleted some of the comments was because they were over the top profane and just plane rude. If you'd like an example I can send you one in a message but not threw the comments.
5767507 I understand my updating frequency needs work but when your working 2 jobs and have about one hour a day to write things don't get done very fast.
5916709 true but tif thats the case then put it on hiatus. then just write all the chapters before posting anymore
5917293 thanks for the tip.
I'm liking this story so far. Keep up the good work!
HOW WOULDN'T HE KNOW YOUR NAME? YOU (help) RULE A FUCKING COUNTRY AND ARE ONE OF THE FUCKING ELEMENTS OF HARMONY! JESUS CHRIST, HOW STUPID ARE YOU?