Decisions and the bargain
I am curled up on the floor with my muzzle tucked under my wing and my tail wrapped around my flank. My mane and tail are dark black fire. My coat shimmers in the light as I breathe; it looks like thousands of diamonds are speckled across my coat. My eyes are a deep liquid crystal blue, I can hear the voices of the others standing nearby. It feel so good to be out in the open again, it has been way to long.
“Um Camo are you ok there sugar cube?”
“My name is not Camo silly little pony. You may call me Diamondfire for now.” I reply in a high and airy musical voice. “Camo is still here he can hear every word you say but I am in control of this body for now.” I uncurl myself and stretch my body for it has been so long it feels good to stretch. “Would you be so kind as to drop your barrier? I know what Camo told you but it is really unnecessary. How far do you think I can get without the use of my magic? There are four of you after all that could wrap me up before I could get more than a dozen steps. Rarity I am not a bowl of ice cream so stop staring at me like that.”
“But your coat is so beautiful. It shines so perfectly and your voice is just dazzling. How can I not admire true beauty?”
“Just stop staring at me ok? It gets very annoying him keeping me locked away like that. He never lets me have any fun.” A broad maniacal smile spreads across my face “I do really wish he would let me have my magic after all it is mine but alas he won’t let me.
Not after…”
“Not after what?” Celestia asks hinting that if I say the wrong thing this will be all over in an instant.
“Oh nothing, I was just thinking about the time I put fire ants inside of some ponies’ gown. No harm done, just a harmless joke.”
“That’s terrible! That is just down right mean, picking on a pony like that. I hope they were ok?”
“Yes they were fine. A couple of bites but that was it. I only used 10 ants. Just enough for a chuckle but not enough to really harm anypony. Do any of you have any questions for me before Camo decides he’s had enough and takes control again?”
“How do we know that he can hear anything we are saying right now? He never told us that, just that he can control your magic.”
“Somepony give me a phrase or a word that only is going to be said now that is easy to identify.”
“Oh, Oh, Me, Me, I got one! picklebarrel!!!”
“Of course only you could be counted on to come up with something really ridiculous Pinkie. That will do, the first word he will say when he returns will be Picklebarrel. Will that satisfy that question? Any others?”
“Can I touch your main? It looks so soft…”
“Um unless you want to get burned I would suggest not. It is actual fire. Just like Solar Flare and Burning Dawn. Hence my name Diamondfire, I shimmer like a burning diamond. On a side note Rarity you look absolutely radiant today.” I give her a sly grin and she lets out a little squee at the compliment “Any pony else got any questions? Camo is really itching to come back.”
“Yes actually just one. Why are you here? Camo gave us one reason but I want your reason why you are here in Equestria.”
“Well it’s as Camo said, we are tired of living in the lands beyond the ever free. We have come here in peace hoping to stay. But that is all dependent on those here in Equestria. If you all allow us to stay we will, if not we shall leave under whatever terms you set forth. Even with my intense scorn for my softer ego Camo I agree with his assessment of this situation in letting you decide under what terms our presence will be allowed. After all it is your responsibility to protect the inhabitants and maintain harmony. Plus I don't want to have to fight 3 alicorns and a unicorn at the same time. No offense intended the rest of you but in a fight using magic the 4 of you wouldn't be much of a fight.”
Now even Celestia looks taken aback at the calm and sincerity in my voice. They all look from one to another and back at me before grouping together and talking in hushed low voices that are just too soft for me to hear from within my bubble of confinement. Every so often Celestia looks up at me as if checking to see if I’m trying to do anything to escape or attack. It doesn’t take long before they all spread back out. Princess Twilight steps forward.
“We of the Council Of Harmony and its advisors have agreed you can stay in Equestria but under several conditions. Spike take a note.” she waits for him to get a quill and ink “Condition one; you are to be escorted every place you go in Equestria by two royal guards at all times until further notice. Two; if you decide to leave Equestria you must reenter here in Ponyville and must head straight to one of the following locations, the Carousel Boutique, the library , Sweet Apple Acres or the castle. From the other locations you will be escorted to the castle so you can have your escort assigned to you again. Three; if you are correctly identified without your escorts anywhere in Equestria and have not check in here in Ponyville your are to be brought straight to me and your prospects in Equestria will end right there. You will be removed from Equestrian lands and never allowed back under penalty of life imprisonment. Need I remind you of what happened to Tirek? Four; you are not allowed to use any concealing magic while in Equestria until further notice under the same penalty as stated in condition three. Five; your are to break no Equestrian laws and will be punished accordingly if you do so. Six; you are not allowed in any place of governance with the exception of the public arias of all the Equestrian castles. Seven; you will physically report to me when I ask it of you while in Equestria in the soonest physically possible time. Spike did you get all that? Good Now do you agree to these terms we have set forth?”
“I find them acceptable for the time being. But have just one question, when you say I must report to you when you call upon me do you mean me specifically? Or just this body whether it be me or Camo?”
“Whatever personality is in charge at the time must report to me. I am not going to ban your use of magic or ban your alter egos but keep in mind everything you do will be under close scrutiny. And I mean everything. The guards that will be escorting you around will report to me every night with your day’s dealings. And you will have a guard at night also so that whatever guards are with you during the day can rest. You will be permitted to move around during whatever time of day pleases you but only in a manner that allows both guards to follow you; in the event you want to go to a place that only one type of pony can reach such as CloudsDale for example, you must have two guards of that type of pony with you. I think that should cover everything. If you have no further question please sign here.” she points to the bottom of the page spike is holding out for me. “I will also have Camo sign as well but seeing as how Dark Fire is the normal alter ego brought out by rage I will overlook the lack of his signature. I don’t feel like dealing with another raging alicorn today.” As she throws a drowning glance at Celestia.
“Then it is settled I agree to your conditions but ask for one of my own. That we get to spend some quality time with all of you when you guys are not otherwise occupied with important matters. Do all six of you agree to this?”
They all nod one by one until Fluttershy is the only pony left to agree, slowly and reluctantly she nods. I sign the terms of my visitation to Equestria and Twilight Triplicates it and spike sends one to wherever Luna and Celestia are staying one she hovers over to me and the last she teleports to wherever she keeps all her important documents.
“Ok now that that’s out of the way why did you decide now was the time to finally show yourself? Why not do it years ago? That part is still a mystery to me. “
“That is a question better suited for Camo. If there is no more need of me then I will relinquish control back to him. I hope to see you all soon, especially you rarity…” I give her a sly little wink before letting the transformation begin. There is a slow building of light surrounding me as my form starts to change back. Then with a sudden bright flash it is all over. “Picklebarrel. She wasn’t lying when she said I could still hear every word you were saying. And Rarity she does seem to be somewhat taken with you a bit, to be honest I can see why. You too are very much alike. But I digress, back when I first started coming here Equestria was plagued with several bad characters, first it was Nightmare Moon breaking free of her imprisonment. Then it was Discord breaking free. Then it was King Sombra and the crystal empire returning. After that you had the rehabilitation of Discord. Discords seeds finally taking over. And finally you had Tirek twice. And that was just here in Equestria. That doesn’t count the several excursions you had in the other universe through the mirror. I saw all of this and thought now isn’t a good time to be a stranger in Equestria with all the chaos that is going on. Oh I almost forgot the two times Trixie tried to take over Ponyville as well. If you were me in that situation would you not have waited until things became stable again before coming out?”
“How do you know about the mirror? Oh that's not important right now. I see your point though, but why now? There was at least 300 years of peace and harmony before now? Why take so long?”
“Until about 100 years ago you were still grieving from the loss of your beloved Flash Sentury. I didn’t want to get tangled up in the emotional turmoil. I know how the loss of a loved one feels. I felt it when my parents died almost 2,000 years ago. It’s hard to think and even harder to make rational decisions in tough situations.”
“I see. I would have made the same decision in your horseshoes. Though the laying down in the middle of town and waiting to be noticed was a little unusual, but it was effective. I guess I’ll have to make an announcement like I did when I first met Zecora. I don’t want another town wide panic like that again. I might want to send notice to Canterlot as well; I presume you will be visiting there as well?”
“That’s probably a good idea, it’s bad enough I caused a ruckus this morning. And yes I do, Canterlot is beautiful. Celestia I do want to spend some time with you now that I’m going to be here in Equestria. That way we can get to know each other and Luna too of course but I suspect from your abilities that I’ll be learning more about you than you about me. Hopefully someday you will come to like me. Or at the very least not fear that I might be a danger and begin to trust me. Where is Discord? I would have though he of all ponies would have loved to see this whole event unfold. No matter, I’m sure we will meet eventually seeing as all of us here seem to have undetermined life spans its bound to happen. Now if you wish I will stick around for your announcement to the citizens but then I shall take my leave. I know it seems odd I just got here and now I’m leaving but I didn’t bring anything with me just in case you decided to do something rash like kill me or put me in the catacomb prison below Canterlot. I didn’t want any of my possessions to get taken from me.”
“Hmm, very smart of you. So when can we expect to see you back in Equestria after you get what you need from home?”
“Three days’ time. I will arrive at dawn on the third day. I shall come to the castle gates. I wish to spend some time with you first Princess after all you are in charge of the Equestrian Empire.”
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Well aren't you so original.
Oh it can't be that ba-
>character bio first thing
>self-insert
>rainblow crash somehow alive after 500 years
>all the mane 6 alive after 500 years
>"Apple Jack"
>"Rarities"
>Chapter 3 literally repeats the last half of Chapter 2
>NOTHING IS DIFFERENT IT'S JUST THE LAST HALF OF CHAPTER 2
>"Solar Flare" (ugh) and Nightmare Moon are the equivalent of an anime powerup
technobuffalo.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Seinfeld-Leaving.gif
Props for actually drawing the OC (unless you found it on Google Images; that and the edgier than bismuth isn't excused in the slightest (call me a hypocrite, since I too have an edgy character, sadly)), but that's sadly the only thing in this story that has effort put into it. No use reiterating what has been said, so I'll just leave three tidbits in my wake:
1) Pre-reader, artist (for cover art) and editor. Get them, please.
2) Show, don't tell.
3) Kill your darlings.
The edge is strong in this one...
5244967
We're rather unassuming, but do try not to get us angry.
Oops, sorry every pony, I had meant to remove the last part of chapter 2 because it wasn't supposed to be there. I somehow missed that part. This is the first thing I have written in almost 10 years. I am out of practice and I have had a hard time getting it proof read. After having said that... Yaay thank you for pointing out the typo of the missing S in the word Spear making it into pear. I'll fix that.
5246215
First off clicking ">>" in the righthand corner of the comment will reply to that comment so people can actually see that you replied to them.
Edgy doesn't mean what you think it means. They're using edgy in the "that's so tryhard at being cool/badass/dark it's terrible" sense, not the artistic sense.
I can provide a full review of this fic if you so desire.
5246430 please do, I would very much like that.
5246547
Alright, expect one coming in the afternoon when I'm not sleepy.
5246556 thank you very much
5246608
Only doing the first chapter.
Right off the bat there's a big no-no. Your character sheet. Keep that to yourself and expand it, but don't plop it in a story. Also, red and black character? Those are bad colors for an OC in these parts. There's very few dark color ponies in the show. The cliche "technicolor pony" exists for a reason.
I've been taught that parenthetical thoughts should be marked like this with em dashes, not parentheses. Like so:
That parenthetical can be cut entirely. It's dumb and almost insulting. Who else could you possibly be talking about with the word "mom"?
Next time you do a note, I suggest either centering it or placing it in a quote box. Anything to separate it from normal text.
The subject of time span: 500 years have passed you say. And yet, it seems like everyone from the show is still alive. Try 5 years instead of 500.
Huge, massive horsefiction cliche. It's cute to you but everyone else has seen it driven into the ground.
Aside from that it's typical. He's got something to make him special (multicolored wings), is an alicorn whose parents are DEAAAAAD, and he meets a member of the mane six almost right off the bat. This exact setup has been done countless times before, and will be done countless times after this fic is forgotten. I genuinely cannot think of a time I've read a good fic with this premise.
First time writing in a while? Awesome, ponies got me back into writing too. But this isn't the kind of thing you should attempt right off the bat. Warm up first. Learn what to do and what not to do. Write a couple short stories under the slice-of-life or comedy tags.
Find a grammar/spellcheck program (MS Word, Grammarly, whatever) and use it. Then find someone to pre/proofread and send this over to them after using the spellcheck. Then run the spellcheck program again. Only after that do you even consider publishing the story.
not bad sofar
5284215 Thank you very much Tundra7.
5284614 so whens the next update coming?
5620493
soon, I'm having someone go over it first.
are you releasing more then one chapter or something? it's been a while
5621177
I have been really busy with 2 jobs lately and have been on a writing hiatus. I have several chapters done, I'm not going to publish them as of just yet though I want to have them proofed first. So far your the first person to want more of my fic.