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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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... well, okay then!
That escalated quickly.
Damn, makes me angry reading this, but Jack going on a rampage and ripping his enemies apart will make things all the more sweeter.
Even after reading Yhay I still don't feel sorry for him for some reason.
8055757 Don't feel sorry for Max?
8055762 I don't know, it's probably the fact he was a dick to Jack and that it took him so fucking long to tell the princesses that there could be more intelligent Humans out there which should've been a priority from the start.
But hey, forget about your family and proclaim your love to a magical pony princess. At least try to find a way to contact your family ffs.
8055780 Yeah, the boy didn't have his priorities straight. His family probably thinks he's dead, or missing. But to be fair, he doesn't tell us /anything/ about his past whatsoever, save for what we get at the start.
8055846 But we knew that he has family and friends back home during that one chapter when he introduced his iPhone to the ponies. He knows, but he just shrugs them off like they were nothing.
If I were in his position, even if a bunch of anthro ponies were craving for my dick, the first thing I would do was find a way home. At least contact my family to let them know I'm okay before they break my pelvis.
R.I.P. My pelvis
I swair to god if you leave on that and never retern ill fucking trak you down and kill you softly.
This is not a thret this is a promis.
8055864 You'd think he could get a cell signal through that magic portal. Lazy jerk.
8055865 You think I'm going to walk away now, of all times? For shame.
8055917 Doesn't need to be a cell, but he's gotta put in effort to find a way.
8055917 My problem with Max is he doesn't seem to be worried at the slightest about his family and friends back home, and he doesn't have his priorities straight.
8055928 King Oblivious. I didn't want to make him come off as a complete ass in Ballad, but it's been a long while since I've read any of YHaY, so I honestly barely remember him beyond being oblivious and kind of a dick sometimes.
8055941 Oh and I respect that. He truly is the Oblivious King, though at the same time, I felt like he could've done more or lived in your story but hey, what's done is done.
Now it's a matter of how many will Jack, Twilight, and Applejack will kill in their rampage.
8055954 I mostly didn't want to bring him in much at all, he's somebody elses character, and I didn't want to write them wrong.
8055981 Eh you could've just asked MadMax what he thought, what should happen, and what your plans were for his character.
It's your story, you do what you want. I'll just patiently wait for the oncoming blood bath courtesy of a magical pony princess, a pony's version of a Classic Westerner, and a Marine who lost his legs but will still find a way to beat the shit out of you even if he lost all of his limbs.
I don't know why...it might be because it's late and I've been drinking, but I laughed when Granny Smith died. Some how the way it was written struck me as humorous. Does that make me a bad person? Probably. Haha. But any way things seem to of gotten pretty intense here. No more Granny, No more Big Mac, No more Max. I can only assume angel bunny has also been assasanated somewhere in the woods. I'm not really sure how I feel about Max being killed since he wasn't really a part of this story. It seems more kinda like a side note, like "oh yeah, Max died of sonic diarrhea last week...now back to the story" so I don't really feel affected by it. Kinda an odd choice to have him killed off though, seeing as his part was so minimal that his life/death wasn't really necessary. Will it effect the rest of story? Like will the reprocussions of his death be mentioned or steer the story in a way? What led ya to have him killed off? Just wondering, since like I said his part is so minimal that the choice of having him alive or dead wouldn't really matter to the story, so why choose dead? And another question was (if I read correctly) that the elements had no effect on Orders forces? My official position is that it doesn't really bother me that any of the (sort of main) characters who died were killed since in this verse they're just background characters, even if Max was the main in the YHaY verse. Still gets 10/10 and kicks ass, definitely awaiting the next chapter.
8056045 It's really the way that I thought of Max's situation that led to his death. Besides his abilities as King Oblivious, Max offers no tactical advantage to Order whatsoever. If you add that to the fact that Max has turned into a Draconequus ,Order would have pretty much no reason to not kill him. With the characters who died in this chapter, it's not that they held importance to the story, it's that they could have changed the outcome of important things later on. For your final question, the Elements of Harmony didn't do jackshit, because they're pieces of Order. What is Harmony, if not Order? Order's forces aren't corrupted with Chaos, so why would the elements /ever/ be able to injure them?
Gotta say, not too excited with this latest chapter. While I would argue that the Harmony in the show isn't like Order from your story, it is, as just mentioned, your story. I also have to remind myself that this story is some high level tier alternate universe. None of the characters, places, and functions (such as magic) in here can be considered the same as the ones from the show, just somewhat parallel.
That all being said, I'll wait and see how things go next chapter before making any big decisions.
Also, there were a lot of errors this run, and boy you really ham fisted those late scenes. Usually you write better than that. Are you burning out on the story?
Welp... you went and did it.
8056564 I didn't see many errors on my recent run, and neither did my editors. Could you point them out so I can fix them? The final scenes may feel rushed simply because they're action scenes. The story itself tends to take it's time with most things, but action is something that isn't exactly easy to take your time with, giving the feeling of rushing.
Whelp, that wrote out characters left and right like there's no tomorrow. Scratch the primary character in the original story, probably terminally traumatize Twilight Sparkle for life, etc. etc.
Also, given one poor bastard, this is now required:
8056795
Mostly it was tensing errors. I don't have access to a comp right now, and doing it on my phone will take more effort than I am willing to put in, a good portion of which is because it isn't particularly a chapter I want to reread.
I would also like to note I didn't say the story was rushed. It was ham fisted. As in, poorly written because of personal biases versus certain in/out of story elements.
8057061 Alright, that's fair, I suppose.
Well, that was a shit show. Where's the nuke when you need it?
Wow such high death tally!
I am not mad but intrigued of how are you going to continue the story. But please dont make all of this a dream or illusion xD
8061383 Don't worry, I've got the entire thing planned in my head!
8061762 excellent! I will wait with my popcorns
8061834 We're looking at about maybe 100k+ words left, nearly there!
8061965 I ll take that as a promise xD
Damn son you don't fuck around! I am on the edge of my seat waiting for the next chapter.
~Have a good one.
8073110 Well I'm glad somebody liked it!
no... Who will make zap apple jam now!!!
That ending though... I'm shook. Earnestly waiting for the next chapter.
8075222 The Shookening!
Huh, not what I was expecting. It feels somewhat rushed, but at the same time necessary. War is a rush of emotions. Sequences in events get garbled through the adrenaline, fear, and carnage battle brings.
It feels real, though Max was a dumbass. Sadly, there are people who will go up to a veteran, scarred from war, and ask that very question "How was the war?"
Really? Of course, Max is (er, was) an civilian, uneducated in the ways of war and its harsh realities.
This chapter was a punch in the gut. Looking forward for more!
I am so lost! What did the Elements of Harmony do? Were the other soldiers always mind controlled before they were blasted, and if so why did they attack after they were hit with the Elements? Do the Elements have no effect? SOMEBODY EXPLAIN THE ENDING OF THIS CHAPTER TO ME!
8089365 The elements of harmony had no effect on the mind-controlled soldiers, and the elements did not act how they normally did, as it was revealed that the Elements of Harmony are powered by Order. The elements are now brainwashed.
8089587
8090459 I should have had that in there.
8090659 Are we gonna see that Flitter's mom or that one pony who raped Jack again?
8091656 You'll find out soon, you don't want me to spoil anything, do you?
8091675 Vibrates in anticipation
8081611
I think it was an odd question. Most civilians know not to ask any questions like that. Max should've too, considering he's been through terrible shit as well.
8144315 I was trying to stick to his 'Oblivious King' character trait. Max has never shown the ability to keep his mouth from getting him into trouble.
8182153 Oh gosh, you're making me blush!
8192097 I'm glad you're enjoying it so far! Hopefully the following chapters exceed your expectations. I've got a lot planned to wrap up the story, so hopefully everything will get tied up, including Cloudy, Poppy, and Flitter's mom.
I leave the story alone for a bit, so as to build up a stock of chapters, and then I end on this.
And all my mind can come up with is: "What the absolute hell is happening?!"
8204417
Glorious madness, that’s what.
Oh my god. I haven't laughed this hard in a long, long time. You made a cold-blooded murder funny.
Oh shit. Oh fuck. What happens next?
Ah yes... I remember now why I dropped this. Back when this was a cliffhanger... I laughed at it and took it off tracking for awhile. Felt like a cliche shark jumper, and given the rest of the story that's saying something. I figured 'let it build a few chapters, he writes fast, come back later and see if it reads better'. Frankly, it was such utter
dogshitdisappointment that I actually couldn't remember the specifics, a rare thing for me. I prevented myself from commenting at the time because... it would've been a much less polite comment than this. You either just killed a bunch of canon characters for no real plot serving reason or for... what... hype? I don't even know; nothing about the story is elevated by this. I'm in 8 deadly words territory now and this is an AU to an AU for me at this point. You could have Pinkie go full Cupcakes and it wouldn't really matter. Seems you even killed off the three guards, eh? Welp, so much for Primrose helping Jack find an alternative to his morphine issues. What a letdown.Also... Order doesn't equal Harmony. Order is one note: obey. One note does not make a harmony. A better fic than this one made that point, and I say that with no malice (believe it or not). The Hard Reset trilogy is ridiculously good.
It's your fic, write what you're happy with, but for the moment I'm switching my vote on this. I reread it to see if it sat any better before tapping the other thumb, but nah, the second reading didn't help it. I'm impressed it's over 800 though... I think it was 300ish when I started reading. It deserves them... it just doesn't have mine anymore... for the moment. Anyway, a lot of your readers are from the 'humans are superior' crowd, and I'm sure they loved all the deaths here. Me? Proceeding with the loss of investment that led me to drop it months ago, and a smidge of morbid curiosity.
You mentioned finding errors... there weren't that many but a few. Nothing major, only two I remembered were:
Milled about, I think... unless harvesting apples looks different in your head than in mine. Which... given the tenor here, I cannot rule out.
Glances... as a sidenote you use the word 'glanced' 12 times in this chapter. Only this first time was incorrect though.
8055846
As to this comment... He sent a letter back through the portal to Earth. Part of the reason he didn't use it himself was that it opens in a random location on the target world. Odds are, mid-ocean somewhere. But sure, let's kill him off and mock him a bit. Nice. Sorry, when was Jack's last attempt to get ahold of anyone back home, let them know he's still breathing? Feels a little hypocritical. ...Cell phone signal... riiiight cause I'm sure he still has a service plan going with Verizon or whatever. Anyway I don't think the portal works that way... otherwise they could likely see through it too, or just send him through on a rope and keep adjusting it until they hit a safe drop zone, negating the random location thing to the point of 'why even mention it?'.
Max didn't help with the human situation because he wasn't a reader; he didn't know what was going on. Every human he saw, with one exception in a fighting pit, was at ape level intellect. He was working on that actually, testing their intelligence when he got roped into the whole Manticore thing.
To the reader it's obvious there's more in the bigger picture, but the reader isn't knee deep in all the shit that was happening to him. And he's not a cyborg marine on painkillers, lest we forget. By the time he was in a position to inform anyone of anything, Discord was attacking Canterlot with the help of most of those 'intelligent' Terrans. It's easy to call him oblivious from above it all though, so yeah, go for it.
Wait, so when you say 'don't' worry... I mean... after this edgy chapter of reminding us all that 'war is hell, and only the cyborg space marine can save you, everyone else's characters are garbage' I have to ask how your plans could lead to a lack of worry. Guess I'll read on and find out for myself.
I see everybody else in the comments and I'm over here like