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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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lol noob you need an editor xDDDDdDDdDdDdDD
6429321 Is that really necessary? You could've just said you need an editor. If you're going to insult the author then get out.
6429321 Why must you hurt me this way?
6429363 Bcuz ur gremmar iz bad kid
Oh wow that went smoother than i expected, Flitter is being a good influence to him ^^
One thing, maybe it was my fault,but the first part was a bit difficult to follow maybe it needs a bit of rework or extend it more
6429412 I decided to reread it before bed and hopefully fixed the issue by being more descriptive with Cloudy's movements and positioning in the cave.
Jack call Cloudy shit, yet didn't even relay her message. Yeah, way to show who's the better creature Jack (sarcasm).
6429453 Cloudy and Jackie are both assholes when it comes down to, just depends on how you like your asshole (my god the way this sounds). Personally i actually like both of them, cause 20 bits says if the story was from Cloudy's point of view (no change in the story) you would be backing her right now (i swear to god you better not say "well it's not about her" or something around that area, cause i WILL spam you).
Can we get some more insight on Cloud Chaser? (Yes i understand the story is about Jack and Flitter) She is very common in this story yet we only have very few glances to how she actually thinks. What we do have paints her as nothing but a complete bitch, maybe she, but a little bit more about her couldn't hurt could it?
My god at the very least make redeem herself.
On a side note, anyone else wish Cloudy would get her ass straight and be like Flitter? No? Just me? Seriously someone give me some input here, I can't seriously be alone on this topic.
I mean think about, imagine Flits and Cloudy both trained by Jack and then sparing with him, does this not sound epic? (Mr Author, please do not slam me, I'm just thinking out loud and looking for like minded on this last part.)
Fantastic, I was hoping those two would butt heads. Poor flitter, now her boy is wanted for murder. This is gunna go down real fast.
6429617 I don't know why people are thumbing you down, it's a legitimate request. I've actually got some more exposition planned out in that aspect soon, so don't worry too much.
6430317 Ah fixed it! Also, glad you're enjoying the ride so far
6431934 i know! I ask for input, not thumb up and downs, wish these haters would burn
Edit: i mean look at all 3 comments i made, 4 down on 2 of them and 2 on the other? Clearly just haters for Cloudy.
There aren't many stories that I enjoy quite like this one, and everytime I ee that there is an update, I cant help but feel excited to start reading it. Honestly, if you gave the offer for a brand new Destiny 2 PS4 console or 50k words for this story, I would be hard pressed to say the PS4, that's how good I enjoy this story! (For reference, all new PS4's I've come across are $400)
To see Jack rip Cloud Chaser a new one isn't what I had hoped for, but I am not disappointed in the least, instead im glad you had that play out how it did, as not only does it involve a development between Jack and Flitters sister, but that also lays foundation for what may happen in the next chapter, and just thinking of the possibilities makes me wish I could skip forward to the next update. I have a lot of stories that I enjoy, but only a few I absoluetely love, this being just one of those select few (YHAY, Stasis, What Could Have Been... just a few of that very short list).
6429617 Well... it's not about Cloudy...
Sorry, I just HAD to!
Alright, as to your other comment however, I do agree, that would be epic, but before something like that can unfold, she will need to remake a lot of ground with Jack, and if our dear author does go on to do that, I believe Jack would in the end leave it to Flitter to make that decision. I do believe Jack would need to approve as well, but Jack is an intelligent human, so he would maybe, I don't know, want the one that was scorned and mistreated to give that approval as well as his own. For that, and those haters that downvoted you, I gave that comment my upvote. It was a valid point. I think the reason you received downvotes is instead of 1 comment, you made many, with two separate comments being short.
...If you spam me, I wont be able to do anything other than laugh... and cry. I got no internet to delete spam. This is one of my few times visiting Mcdonalds to jack their wifi...
6432504 that spam threat was at the person i direct the comment at (aka sarachi)
But yeah, that's what i ment, just your drug it out.
Erm... isn't that the editor down there in the comments getting downvoted to Tartarus? I thought an author's note said that... meh, whatever.
So, interesting story so far... you do need an editor, if that isn't him. I dunno if apostrophes kicked your puppy or something, but you really have it out for them. A minor gripe though, doesn't seriously detract from anything.
I don't really like the whole 'humans are awesome, ponies are useless idiots (or worse)' overtone that seems to be getting stronger in these last several chapters. Other than Flitter, they really aren't getting much respect from our fun-loving space marine. Frankly, before her miraculous turn around thanks to his training, she was pretty much the poster child for 'useless'. That doesn't make her a bad pony... but she was jobless, out of shape, a complete pushover, and mooching off Cloudy. Does that justify Cloudy sleeping with her coltfriend? Nah... but you can see where frustration could set in and lead to something petty. Small wonder Cloudy needed a loan... not like Flitter was any help back then. Excusing it as her needing a bit of a push isn't enough. She's an adult; she could have picked herself up and been responsible. She didn't, at least until she got introduced to an extreme (read: larger than life) example of self-reliance. Maybe I'm blowing it up because it smacked into a couple of personal pet peeves. Her growth has been amazing and the relationship between her and Jack (regardless of where it goes from here) has really kept the story from becoming 'Sgt. McAwesome kicks pony ass for days with his wicked LAZERS!(sic)' ...which I'd probably still read now that I've rolled it around in my head a bit.
Also, to cap off the negative sounding gripe fest (though in my head it sounds more 'friendly sarcastic'), I hope Jack finds something more interesting to do with that arsenal of his. That kit reads like a 12 year old's Christmas list bumped uglies with a set of Xcom cheat codes. Oh, it's also anti-magic, 'cause reasons. A question there: is the anti-magic titanium just in his exo? If not, how did the treats' Want it Need it spell affect him? Anyway, I don't mind him blowing up manticores, zombies, and gangsters (bit excessive, but entertaining *shrug*), but I've seen Magikarp put up more convincing fights than his 'opponents' so far. If nothing in the world is going to be in his league than that's a lot of fancy weaponry that's not really necessary. We've all run through GTA blowing up random people with way too much ordnance... it's cathartic but not great storytelling.
Now then, I'ma stop being an ass and talk about what I've liked (besides the Archer references, though one in particular saved a chapter for me). For all the minor editing issues (and they are minor) the tone is quite well done. Jack and Flitter come across clear as bells and play off each other really well. Jack's humor fits right into YHAY's world; even if it didn't it'd still be great. The omakes drive it home in his interactions with Luna ('non-canon' though they may be, heh). The second omake was really enjoyable even while playing heavily into that overtone I mentioned above (and trolling us with not meeting Max, nice one there... I think their ages are closer than 16 apart though, Max is in his 20s and Jack is 33, unless they're aging at different rates...). The humor in general, helped along by the various references, really helps make this a good read.
Flitter is adapting and growing with the situation impressively. I'm glad she didn't have the 'OMG violence nuuuu *vomit*' reaction ponies have in a lot of fics (though it would've made less sense in YHAY's 'verse). I hate to tell her that it's impossible to 'never' be helpless in any situation ever, but pursuing strength and confidence is still a great thing and she's very determined. She's only going to get better. The rest of the characters aren't as fleshed out, but a lack of screen time explains that easily. Field Note is fun. His awe over Jack hasn't broken his professional detachment too much... maybe (he reminds me of Otacon... so take that as you will). And in Jack's defense he hasn't been dismissive or too condescending towards the... baticorn? I think I recall YHAY lore calling them not real... they're enchanted to look like vamponies when they join Luna's guard because she likes the look. The character who said that might've been wrong though (or I might be). Speaking of Luna's guard, Jack should meet Primrose, I think they'd hit it off... she might be able to hook him up with a more mild morphine alternative.
The last thing I'll mention as a testament to the crafting you're doing here: this has been over 100k words of 'Space Marine goes camping in Equis'. He's not trying to get home, or really doing anything except sitting tight and helping Flitter. No major plot has really happened in all that time, just hints, foreshadowing, and set-ups. And even after I realized that I didn't mind a bit. This ride has barely gotten rolling but it's already had plenty to see and enjoy.
TL:DR (boy howdy, I'm verbose today...): good story, strong characterization, super space marine actually might have too much dakka (which is flatly impossible, you'd think). Looking forward to the next update.
6434491 I really do appreciate the commentary, it helps me build things better, stronger. To answer one of the questions I /can/ actually answer, the want it need it treats effected him simply because he consumed them. Titanium is an magic inhibitor, a very strong one at that. Field simply believes it to be completely immune because there has not been any documented case of magic effecting it. So if some random Joe Unicorn tried to pick up Jack while he was wearing his Exo or armour, they'd be SOL.
As for the combat, it's meant to be like that right now. His armour makes him a literal tank, but as it's been said, he doesn't like wearing it for personal reasons, and for practical reasons. Most of his battles so far have been won easily simply because either A) his opponents were mindless or animals, and B) They had no fucking clue what hit them. I do have plans for the future however, plans that will bump things up considerably, so don't fret just yet.
With ponies being useless idiots, in a sense they definitely are not. Of course, they don't have the same world as us, so some things we see as common sense, they do not (See: Entering an all male gang hideout with your little sister and a bag full of cash, in a dark warehouse, where no guard ever patrols) On the same coin, comparing anyone to Jack is unfair, simply because he's not even in the same book as them, let alone on the same page. Even comparing him to other humans is unfair. Of course, it's all been paid for with a very high price, namely his sanity and life expectancy.
Jack has kind of stayed put, as he honestly has no idea what the hell is going on. Years as a soldier has taught him that sticking his head out in unknown places is a good way to have it removed. On top of that, he knows that Humans aren't top dog here, so he is definitely an interest. He's smart enough to avoid just wandering down main street ponyville singing howdydoodee, because he sees that as a damn good way to get captured or killed. On this, don't worry too much. The scenery will change, I'm just building up to it!
On a final note, thanks again for the long comment and for enjoying my meandering scribbles. And yes, that idiot getting bombed to death is my editor, and he's enjoying every second of it. Hopefully the upcoming chapters will live up to your expectations, and if there are any burning questions you've got that I didn't answer, just holler at me again.
6432504 To be honest, the only real reason I continue on at the pace that I do, is knowing that there are people out there who legitimately get excited when they see Ballad update. The story makes people happy, it makes them smile, and they grow fond of the characters. That on its own is what drives this story forward.
Truth hurts don't it.
6435260
Thanks for the prompt reply. The thing with the treats is interesting... but then again magic is like time travel... overthink it, get headache. Whatever brought him to Equis can ignore titanium.. there's hints that it's discord... Twilight can cancel out discord's magic with hers... can Twi ignore titanium?.... circles everywhere. Buuut that's not an actual question. Ooh, it's rock paper scissors... Twi > discord > titanium > Twi... nope, headache... dammit...
Meh... Cloudy doesn't really get a pass there. If loan sharks and gangs are a thing, then so is knowing better than doing what she just did. But that is just one character who already showed poor decision making based on ego (more than once now) so I won't hold it against the world as a whole.
For the rest... well I still have concerns about a character who may be too incomparable to grow in a story, tragic backstory doesn't excuse a protagonist (if anything, those are more dangerous in fanfics for an OC...) BUT I trust what you've done so far on the whole and await the continuation. Keep on truckin'.
6436252 I'll try not to disappoint
6435280 The trials for these suits of armor sound similar to the testing of the SPARTAN suits from HALO...
I have a mindfuck of question for the author.
So let's go back to the story Your Human and You where the main six blast Max with the elements to fix his voice and in instead it makes him not able to understand equish and ponyes cant understand him ok so right there that gives me the understanding that ponies and humans have completely different languages ok...
So my question is this, why can the ponies understand what is being said and read what is written on human technology ?
7444486 Ponies and Terran Humans both speak English, however Equestrian Humans can't. When they blasted him with the Elements they tried to restore his English speaking abilities with the magic that renders Equestrian Humans unable to do so. They basically tried to treat a chemical burn with bleach. (Better analogy pending.)
“If a murderer treats your little sister better than you do, maybe you should reconsider your life choices.”
That.Was.Badass and cool.
My only question... is why he is unable to speak, he can still do the grunts and stuff but can't speak. I would've believed that somehow magical ponyland was censoring him and keeping him from swearing but... I just don't know what would actually be keeping him from being able to speak.
9480036
The story that Ballad is derived from had it be a primary focus, so I couldn't exactly skip over it and pretend to be a spin off still. Essentially, it's magic BS.
7462628
Spoilers ;-;
Luna better make friends with Jack. Hope Research Note dont fuck it up by needling Celestia on...