• Member Since 2nd Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen 48 minutes ago

An-Twan Star


I am just a cowboy... lonesome on the trail. Starry night... campfire light...

Sequels1

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Ever since losing her best friend, Gilda has wanted nothing more to do with ponies, instead opting to bury herself with work with the goal of earning enough bits to return to her homeland on her own terms. But while living in Equestria, forces much bigger then one measly messenger are at work, slowly pulling two superpowers apart.

Whether she wants it or not, Gilda's life is still filled with ponies; from the one in her dreams, to the the new turquoise pegasus following her around, to Celestia herself. With a little sleight of hoof from Equestrian royalty, the griffon is offered the opportunity to either stand up and better her life and the lives of others, or continue to be a hapless bystander and wallow in melancholy.

For Gilda, it comes down to a much simpler choice.

Stay, or go.


Re-written story

Edited and beta'd by Nightwalker

Takes place after Wonderbolts Academy and before Magical Mystery Cure

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 25 )

I am not sure what Gilda learned here.

Wow, that was excellent!

In fact, it was so good that "Complete"-tag must be nothing but a horrible mistake!

There is going to be some kind of second chapter or sequel, right?

...

RIGHT? :fluttercry:

I liked the story overall, it was a good bit of character building and background for Gilda. The world building parts I really liked, with the designated urban launch pads, landing decks, and street lights that double as landing lights. Loved the term carrier pigeon, will have to steal borrow myself.

I did like the idea of her and Lightening, and can certainly see that going someplace in the future. I will echo the comments given already for wanting to see more done in this storyline.

My only real complaint, which became a progressive irritant as things went on and certainly not helped by the story's length, was your constant use of Gilda. Going through, something like 75% of the times it's used should be replaced with her, she, or another appropriate pronoun. It should show up once, maybe twice in a typical paragraph. She is your only character for so much of this story, you don't have to use her name so much to remind the reader of who the sentence relates to. At least it gets better after Dust shows up and it serves its intended purpose in the dialogue. Then there's the over use of capitalization (Pony, Pegasus, and Griffon most egregiously). A simple Find-and-replace would fix that.

But, overall, a good first effort. Let's see where it goes from here.

4866710 Thanks for the comment, nightwalker. I'm glad that you liked the world building and Lightning Dust's inclusion in the story.

As for the criticisms, well, it seems we both share the same sentiments. I wasn't sure about capitalizing all the ponies, pegasi, and griffons used in the story. I also knew that I was overusing Gilda, I didn't want the pitfall of LUS, but I went a little too far in the other direction. My biggest concern, however, was the ending. There was so much more I wanted to explore between Celestia and Gilda, but wound up skimming over.

I believe I will rewrite this, but I wan't to wait for the contest business to end. And due to length concerns, I will probably split it into two parts.

ATS

4867260 What does LUS stand for? Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.

4867260 Probably for the best. It does seem to lack a certain luster. (Not that my submission was anything to brag about :twilightsheepish:) I think I shall look forward to reading it again when it has been 'smoothed over.'

4927679 Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, or LUS. Basically found in stories that use WAY to much character description in place of character name and/or appropriate pronouns.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

I'm pleased to see you're rewriting this. I'll give it another look when you've finished it. :)

5318871 The whole story is already finished, I'm just uploading one chapter a day. There are only 4 chapters so the wait shouldn't be too long.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

You've certainly created a melancholy mood here.

Cliffhanger? Nooo!

5325889
Gotta have some reason for people to come back after all :derpytongue2:

Looks like Gilda's made her choice.

She is kind of another one of Celestia's students now... sort of. Mistreated by both peoples, she would be the one to bridge the gap.

If it's only four chapters long then how come the incomplete tag is still on it? :pinkiegasp: Unless you're gonna build from here! (I really, really hope that's the case! :pinkiehappy:)

5331688
The tale is done, but the story is not. If that makes any sense.

An-Twan I known wants to return to this 'verse and this pairing, as do I. We'll see what the future brings. :twilightsmile:

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

Ahaha! Using Lightning Dust in this is a great idea. I thought her winning terms were phrased oddly, but that turned out great. :D

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

Wow, I'm really impressed with how you turned this around. :D You get a little mired in the backstory and world-building, but I would read the heck out of Gildust friendshipping (or just normal shipping). Their dynamic is great, and your Gilda is drawn up well. Good job!

Another mischievous grin stole across Lightning’s muzzle and she dipped closer to Gilda. “Well… there is one way to make doubly sure that nopony knows about your ruffled feathers.”
“And what would that be?”

“Let me feel them.”

:rainbowderp::rainbowderp::rainbowderp:

:rainbowhuh::rainbowhuh::rainbowwild::heart:

Yes please let her "feel them"

I really enjoyed this story. :twilightsmile: The Gilda here is a lot calmer and more thoughtful than most portrayals of her I see, and I really liked it. I thought that Lightning Dust was maybe a little too similar to Rainbow, but I know that was the point, and it's not really a big deal.

(I'm glad to see that Gilda is still getting excellent, in-depth, well-characterized stories about her five years after her solitary episode appearance. Us fanfic writers are weird.)

Sorry for not reviewing the other chapters before, wanted to make sure could get into this first. You done a very, very great job and I'm excited to read more of this story soon.

Smooth Lighting Dust very smooth.:trollestia:

Ah cliffhanger my only weakness how did you know?

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