Thunderstruck: The Curious Odyssey of Shaun Davis

by RandomEncounter

Chapter Four: ... the Man Insults the Night...

Disclaimer: Hasbro owns My Little Pony. That is all. Oh, and I guess the characters within that aren’t owned by Hasbro were thought up by me. I’ll never admit it to a jury though, so take that for what you want...

Thunderstruck: The Curious Odyssey of Shaun Davis

Chapter Four: … the Man Insults the Night...

Authors: RandomEncounter and 00lizard

Editors: 00lizard, Meliron, DustTraveller, Invictus, Anrodos, Proud-Dust, and SlinkySalamander

~'.'~'.'~

There are good ways and bad ways of going through life. Waking up hungover, for instance, would be on the bad side of things. Stumbling upon a roll of one hundred dollar bills on the street? That’s on the good side of the scale. Finding yourself surrounded by a number of gang members who accidentally dropped said roll of money on the ground and aren’t too pleased with you?

Now that is what I like to call the Shaun life.

… Well, that never really happened to me, to be honest. But you probably would believe it if I say it did, right?

...

See, that’s the sad part right there...

That’s why it came as no surprise to me as I began to wake up to have a splitting headache emanating from the back of my head. That’s just par for the course. What did surprise me is that I was lying on a nice comfy bed with a cold cloth covering my forehead and eyes, and a gentle humming coming from my left.

That’s... a bit strange; pleasant, but strange.

Why is that, you ask? Well, generally speaking, when you have friends like mine, waking up with this level of headache involves throwing off a mountain of beer bottles and cans, and scrubbing your face furiously for half an hour trying to get the penises drawn in permanent marker off before you have to be at work. This, however, was almost welcome. Though life can take back the headache, I’ve got enough of those at the moment...

Most of which come in the shape of ponies, but headaches nonetheless.

I tried to sit up; a simple enough task that I felt even I could do at this moment. My brain, however, clearly thought I was a certified idiot and decided a short, but powerful, spasm of pain was the best way of letting me know that was a stupid, stupid, really stupid idea.

“Oh my,” squeaked a quiet voice to my right as I felt a hoof softly push my shoulder down. “Umm, please don’t get up so fast. You might have a concussion.”

“Yeeaahhh... I know that now,” I said through gritted teeth as the pounding in my skull receded. Lying back down, I turned to see that inquisitive little animal-loving pony from earlier. ‘What’s her name again? Fluttersky? No... Flutterpie? That doesn’t seem right either. Flutterdie? No, no, no... too morbid for one of these opium-inspired ponies. Fluttershy, maybe? Hmm... that... sounds right. I think...’

Got a problem with me not remembering names? If so, I have a few words for you then: cliff and jump.

“Mind telling me what happened... err, Fluttershy, right?”

The mare looked up at me skittishly from behind her mane, “Well, umm, you kind of tripped over Spike… and hit your head on the door frame when you fell.”

Well, that explains the reason my head feels like a chipmunk is bashing its way out of my cranium with a TV remote...

“Of course I did...” I groaned as I rubbed the back of my head, “ugh… this day just gets better and better.” The world began to come into focus more and more, and the Spikegraine was subsiding. Seriously though, screw that baby dragon. I know it’s trying to get rid of me now. However, you gotta wake up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me... though I do prefer to sleep in until the reasonable time of three in the afternoon, if possible.

Yeah, I’m boned.

“Oh,” Fluttershy started with a sense of enthusiasm, a wide smile spreading across her face, “he’s fine by the way.”

I turned to look at her with an expression that was part lost and part ‘what the hell are you talking about.’ “Huh?”

“Spike. He’s fine. You didn’t hurt him.” Fluttershy beamed up at me, relief washing over her features.

“Oh, of course,” I said as I brought my hand to my forehead, deciding to play off my lack of caring. “Sorry, that would have been my next question if this headache weren’t so bad.”

‘Not really.’

Fluttershy looked at me with concern as she slowly brought a hoof up to my forehead to remove my hand, placing it back on the bed. She gently laid her other hoof on my forehead, to take my temperature. At least that’s what I’m guessing. Are hooves good thermal conductors?

“How are you feeling?” she asked as she removed her hoof. “You don’t have a fever, I mean, um, as far as I can tell.”

"Well, aside from the back of my head feeling like someone played a game of Kick-the-Shaun, I feel fine.” At that my stomach decided to pipe up, letting me know that no, I am hungry; give me meat, Shaun, you dumb man-ape thing. “Seems I’m a little hungry, actually... but that’s it, really."

“Oh, there’s plenty of food at the party!” the mare cheerily chirped.

“Sounds good. I guess I’ll go get some, then.” I attempted to get out of the bed, but Fluttershy placed a hoof to my chest and gave me a concerned look.

“You hit your head really hard,” she said kindly, though her eyes hinted at a stern undertone, “I think you should lay back down for now.”

I was about to protest, but those eyes didn’t just say no, they told me of bad things that would happen if I didn’t comply. ‘Uh, where was she hiding this stern side earlier?’

There had been only one time in my life that I had felt such a comparable fear from such a forceful gaze. It was from my mother after she had to bail me out that one time. Wait, wait, wait... it wasn’t anything like that. Look, I was in the car, and I didn’t know, and I managed to convince them of my innocence eventually...

Ya know what, nevermind. Think what you want. I’m stuck in Ponyland, ergo, your opinion is irrelevant.

I decided to just go with the flow and play off my discomfort with a shrug, “Alright, if the little pony nurse says not to get up, I won’t get up.”

The mare blinked in confusion at that. “Oh no, I’m not the nurse. That would be Nurse Redheart. She’s outside enjoying the party right now. Would you like to speak with her?”

“Not really… I’ve had enough of introducing myself today, actually.” I paused for a moment at realizing I wasn’t being tended to by the medical professional. “But, that does beg the question of why she’s out there and you’re in here.”

“Ah… oh… well…” she nervously drew circles with her forehoof on the bed, “you see, I generally take care of all of the animals in town that the vet doesn’t, so we both thought it was best for me to look after you …”

I blinked at her as that statement began to sink in. “Wait, let me get this straight... you’re the town’s animal handler? As in the pers- I mean pony that looks after and treats the less mentally-capable species?” I questioned flatly.

Fluttershy picked up on my less than enthusiastic tone and retreated behind her mane. “Um, that’s right,” she nodded hesitantly.

“And... I’m your patient?” I asked, a hint of annoyance seeping into my voice by this point.

“Yes,” she replied softly, confusion adorning her face.

“Annnnnd,” I spoke slowly and methodically, “I am in no way supposed to feel insulted right now even just a teeny tiny bit?”

Fluttershy blinked incomprehensibly for a moment before her head sunk down, understanding apparently finally dawning on her. “Um… do you feel insulted?” she asked hesitantly and with a hint of sadness.

I groaned, “Don’t take this personally… but as a matter of fact, yes. Yes, I sort of do.”

“Oh… I’m sorry,” she replied gloomily while looking down, “I-I’ll go see if I can convince Nurse Redheart to come in here instead, if it would make you feel better.”

She turned to go, but stopped once I spoke again. “Really, at this point in time I doubt it will help my mood. So don’t worry about it… and it’s not really your fault, either. You were just being nice, so I can’t really be annoyed at you for that,” I said quickly, trying to smooth the situation over and avoid hurting her feelings further.

Yes, I can be nice at times, so scre--

…

Nevermind.

Anyway, I could clearly see in her eyes that she remained unconvinced.

“Look,” I said with a hint of exasperation, “It’s not that I hate you or anything. Just… being equated to an animal is somewhat condescending… actually, scratch that. Very condescending...”

‘To say the least.’

“What?” her eyes got a bit wider, and she immediately started to ramble on, “O-oh, no! That’s not why I’m treating you at all! Nurse Redheart is just more familiar with ponies than she is with other species and I was the one that suggested looking after you since I’m really good with animals in gen-”

She put a hoof to her mouth at that little slip up and looked at me wide eyed. “I mean, I’m good with non-pony species and... I studied simian anatomy a few years ago when I had to care for a poor little monkey that got hurt when a traveling circus came through town. I mean... that’s not to say that I think you’re a monkey! You’re just closer to them anatomically than a pony and... and...” she trailed off and looked down at her hooves embarrassedly and squeaked.

I looked at her with pity before sighing. “You’re not very good at this, are you?”

Fluttershy shook her head, remaining silent and hiding behind her mane, trying to avoid my gaze. I looked at her with no small amount of pity before I sighed. "Listen, don't worry about it. In fact, get me something to snack on and I'll consider everything okay. That fair?"

My stomach gave another murmur of protest and Fluttershy’s head snapped up, once again aware that my stomach was politely eating itself. She looked me briefly before closing her eyes and giving a brief nod.

"Alright, I'll go get you something." She smiled before pausing for a moment, lost in thought. "Sorry to ask… but I don’t know what you like to eat. Umm, would you like a banana, maybe? I mean, if that's alright with you..."

"Uhh… sure?" ’Not my first choice, but at least she isn't trying to feed me hay or something like that.’

Fluttershy gave me a wide smile, her voice a bit more confident. "Oh good. I thought you would like those since you said humans are descended from primates on your world. I'll be right back." With that, she turned and left the room before I could barely register what she had just said.

I stared at the door in disbelief. Did she seriously assume… cause… okay… whatever, screw it. I laid my head back down on the pillow. Not the worst thing that has happened since arriving here.

With nothing better to do, I decided to gaze at the night sky through the window; it was beautiful, to say the least. Reminded me of a happier time in my life when I was a kid, before my parents got divorced. We used to sit outside on summer nights and watch the stars and fireflies as a family while listening to what I used to call “old people music.” They were both big fans of Frank Sinatra, and before the divorce we would listen to him for hours on end on those summer nights.

I’ll admit, remembering those nights made me feel better, and I began to hum the tune while singing the lyrics in my mind. ’Fly me to the moon, and let me play amongst the stars.’

I didn’t get far into the song, though. The door to the bedroom opened and in came Fluttershy, the end of a banana hanging from her mouth. She floated up to the bed and placed the fruit next to me with a smile. “Here’s your banana. Can I get you anything else? Some medicine? An extra pillow? Maybe some help with your grooming?”

...

‘What?’ was all I could think of for a moment when I heard that last one. ‘Perhaps I just misheard her?’ I looked at the mare before cautiously inquiring, “My... grooming?”

The mare looked at the confused expression on my face before tilting her head to the side. “Allogrooming? Oh, um, maybe you call it something else.”

‘I’m hoping I call it something else...’

“Umm, it’s the social activity of cleaning and grooming others that’s common in primates,” she explained with a smile on her face. Apparently she was happy about her knowledge of animal behaviors.

Key words there: animal behaviors.

‘Nope. She pretty much meant what I thought she meant,’ I sigh and mentally groaned; there she goes with the speciesism again. “Uhhhhhhh... Fluttershy?”

“Yes?”

“That’s...” I trailed off as I tried my best not to sound mean or offensive, “that’s not exactly how things work with humans.”

“I... I... I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed...” She flushed and looked down at the floor, fidgeting with her hooves, then shyly looked back up at me. “So... humans don’t groom each other at all?”

“No,” I replied quickly; unfortunately however, the part of my brain responsible for critical thinking decided now was the perfect time to analyze her question thoroughly. “Well... yes, under a few circumstances. I mean, people cut and style other peoples’ hair regularly, but that’s the extent of what I think you are referring to. Even then, it’s more a matter of practicality than anything else, if you ask me for my opinion on the matter.”

“So you don’t clean each other like primates do?”

“No...” I trailed off before thinking of what I knew of other cultures around the world before cursing inwardly, “well... yes, dammit. I mean, some cultures bathe together at times and scrub each others’ hair and back. But the only time people generally do that is when parents shower together with really young children. Or when two people are physically intimate with one another... and generally in those cases grooming isn’t really the point...”

“Oh. What is the point?”

“I... well,” I managed to begin hesitantly before I remembered where I was. “You know what, I’m getting really uncomfortable with this line of questioning.”

“I... I’m sorry. I, well... I didn’t mean to make you upset. Here, let me... Let me make it up to you, then.” She hesitatingly stepped forward and gently placed one of her hooves on my head, then began to slowly pet my hair.

I stiffened up a little at the strange gesture, and I felt slightly offended at first. What do I look like? Man’s best friend? Hell, I’m my own worst enemy at times...

Still, it felt oddly... relaxing.

She tentatively smiled at me and asked, “Is this okay?”

‘Well... they sure as hell aren’t hands... but those hooves aren’t too bad on this headache, either.’ I thought absentmindedly, each stroke through my hair surprisingly distracting.

Looking her in the eye sternly, I quickly asked, “No xeno? Right?”

Fluttershy for her part looked like that question had gone way over her head. “Uh... okay?”

I shrugged and relaxed again, allowing her to keep petting my head. “Good enough for me.”

The room was silent for a few minutes as Fluttershy just kept petting my head. It was ironic in some ways, and really didn’t help me reinforce the notion that humans aren’t animals, but at this point in time I had just mentally said ‘whatever’ and decided to go with the flow.

A few more minutes, and Fluttershy finally spoke up again to ask me, “Umm, do you need anything else? Some water, maybe?”

Seriously, this mare was built to worry about others and only worry about others, it seems.

“Well, to be honest, with the way today has gone... some rubbing alcohol and a loaf of bread would be pretty good right now, as well.”

Fluttershy looked adorably confused… and I decided for once that it was probably best just to shut the hell up. The gentle stroking on my head was doing wonders for the headache; so much so that I began to relax considerably. Hell, I even felt like I was about to fall asleep when I heard a sound in the room that I was fairly sure wasn’t Fluttershy. Turning to the mare, I noticed her head swiveling around, also looking for the cause of the noise.

Eventually, both of us saw the door leading to the room ajar, the sounds of the party outside no longer as muffled.

“Huh, guess someone got curious--” suddenly my vision was filled with a pink face; their eyes boring into my soul, demanding its surrender.

Before I could even scream out, an exuberant voice assaulted my ears, “Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie!”

“Gah, what the--” the rest of my sentence was cut off as I backed away from the excited mare in front of me and fell off the bed. And just for good measure, because I wasn’t already in pain as it was, my head met the extremely fluffy and soft hardwood floor.

“Oh my! Shaun, are you alright?” questioned Fluttershy with concern as she looked over the edge of the bed at me.

When someone, or somepony in this case, asks you a question like that in this situation, there is only one appropriate answer...

I whimpered, “Pink... demon... pony... thing... hurt... skull... pain...”

~'.'~'.'~

Suffering has a face. It is apparently excitable. It has a constant sugar rush. It is notably also colored pink. And by the way... it also has a name...

Pinkie Pie.

My friends on Earth were never close to the definition of sane, I’ll admit; and we generally did enough loud and stupid shit to have justly invoked a few instances of natural selection, had it happened. In other words, I’ve been around the wild and crazy. Or rather... I thought I had. There is nothing that can prepare you for a first time verbal assault from Pinkie Pie. I suppose the best way I can sum the experience up would be to compare it to riding a sailboat straight into a rogue wave.

If you don’t understand the dangers of such an action, well that’s perfect. Realistically, you wouldn’t understand the dangers of meeting Pinkie Pie for the first time, either.

What?

...

Okay, fine... perhaps that is just me being mean and unfair. Surely Pinkie Pie was just eager to introduce herself to me and did not mean for me to receive two self-inflicted head wounds. Yet, the problem here is that she in no way seems to recognize the pain I feel. Which is kind of hard to believe considering I was wincing and muttering curse words under my breath as Fluttershy examined my head. Yet, instead of taking note of this fact... she was bouncing around the two of us in circles asking me what my favorite types of sweets are. My earlier evaluation of her has thus changed: both Twilight and this Pink eldritch horror are insane and here to ruin what’s left of my psyche.

Why couldn’t that lightning bolt have just done the damn job properly...?

... Whatever...

Thankfully, Fluttershy can be a bit assertive at times. After taking note of my rather beleaguered appearance, she managed to usher the party mare out the door with reassurances that I will be able to enjoy another one of her parties at a later date. Honestly, I didn’t know the mare had it in her to lie. Or perhaps she honestly thought I might enjoy one of those parties?

Anyway, I got my first bit of good news later that morning as Fluttershy told me I in fact did not have a concussion. For how hard she described me hitting my head, that actually came as a surprise. Seems this skull of mine is grade A solid material!

Yeah, okay, I know what you are thinking, so… well, yeah I did set myself up for that one.

Dammit. Okay... on principle though, I must insist that you go to hell for thinking less of me. I feel bad doing so, but I have to stick to my principles, after all.

Seriously, hell now, please. Not going to ask again.

Moving along, Fluttershy had to leave and prepare the birds for the opening ceremony, or something along those lines. I didn’t really listen to her goodbye that closely, to be honest. She kind of lost my interest when she mentioned conducting a bird choir. Also, I was too busy enjoying my banana.

It really was the best damn banana I have ever had…

The… best… damn… banana… ever...

Ever!

Okay, not really. I was just using it as an excuse to sit back and tune out the world around me. Worked fairly well in fact.

So about half an hour later I found myself standing in the town hall, awaiting the Princess’ arrival. Sparky had argued for a few minutes before we left the library that I should probably stay in bed as I still wasn’t exactly feeling well; naturally, of course, if Sparky says one thing I think it’s in my best interest to automatically do the exact opposite. I’m an adult! I know how to live my life without anyone else’s input.

Which means that if I want to eat Lucky Charms or Cinnamon Toast Crunch for breakfast still, then damn the neigh-sayers and health nuts. Screw you, Wheaties, Special K, and Kashi, I don’t care what your celebrity endorsements say about health... you taste like crap. Also, if I wanted a side of bacon with my cereal back home, you bet your ass that I’d be munching on that while spooning sugarized rainbow in my mouth.

…And now that I’m in this world, that statement takes on a whole new, and completely disturbing, meaning. Okay, time for a take-backsies!

Surprisingly, in hindsight, I was starting to think maybe... just maybe... she was right. I know, I know, but hear me out. When we entered the building, my ears were assaulted with the sounds of chatting ponies; cutsie chatting ponies... eager, happy, giddy, and especially loud chatting ponies. And here I am standing in the middle of this crowd with a headache the size of my ex’s rack.

I’ll just let you imagine what that may be.

It also didn’t help that the Royal Guards I saw were here as well, continuously looking at me with suspicion; I mean, I could cough and probably end up at the bottom of another freaking ponypile. I’m really tired of that, by the way...

Oh, and best of all! Pinkie Pie is standing next to me...

“Isn’t this exciting! Are you excited, Shaun? Cause I’m excited! I’ve never been-”

‘No, Pinkie, this is not exciting.’

I clamped my hand over her mouth. Normally I’d be more subtle about trying to encourage someone to play mute, but the headache told me that it was perfectly justifiable to smother the mare. Sadly, though, the hand over her mouth did nothing to slow down her rambling; in fact, it appeared that she wasn’t even aware of my intervention in the slightest.

Strangely enough, however, my actions appeared to have gained the approval of Sparky for the first time today. I wonder if she had a nice long conversation with Pinks at the party earlier? Perhaps our mutual disdain of this overactive pony can be the bridge to a strong friendship between the two of us? Or at least a cessation of hostilities and jackassery?

… Yeeeeeaaaahhh... probably not.

I heard Pinkie Pie inhale a great gasp of air to finish rambling on in her muted one-sided conversation. Fun fact: my hand, apparently, easily fits into the mare’s mouth. That... unsettles me. Also, it’s just freaking disgusting.

Why, you ask? Well, let’s just say I theorize those mouths have to be filled with some really bad bacteria. Case in point, I still haven’t figured out how ponies get from the bathroom to the dinner table and still hope to remain hygienic...

Not even freaking wipes or hand sanitizer anywhere, I tell you!

And now that I think about it... what about all those chefs who cooked in the palace kitchens...

…

Yeeeeeeaaaaah, I’m just going to slowly remove my hand from her mouth and move the hell on. Suffice to say, I think I’ll be cooking my own food from now on...

Suddenly, everybody-- pony, every-damn-pony’s... dammit, every thing’s head turned toward the front of the room as the blaring of trumpets and birdsong filled the hall. It was being directed by... Fluttershy? How the hell does the shyest pony get the proverbial balls to direct birds in front of half the town?

More importantly, is this what happens when an intelligent race evolves without thumbs? They just outsource their music to the birds?

Okay, I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ll say it again... whatever made this place had copious amounts of LSD involved in the process...

A spotlight drifted downward and and drew my attention to a white and yellow pony wearing old-lady glasses. Hm... Didn’t realize that ponies needed glasses. Or could wear them, for that matter. Guess there’s some things magic just can’t fix. For everything else, there’s ‘fuck you, Shaun.’

“Fillies and Gentlecolts, as mayor of Ponyville, it is my pleasure to announce the beginning of the Summer Sun Celebration!”

‘Great... a politician...’ I thought with a sigh. ‘I wonder if this world’s politicians are as good at sex scandals as ours... wait, upon further thought, these are ponies and I no longer wish to broach this topic.’

The entire hall erupted in cheers that immediately made my eyes water in pain. This noise was worse than that time I made an appearance at my niece's sixth birthday party as a clown. So the clown from It scares children. Is that really my fault? They said a clown! All I had at the time was three dollars and my previous year’s Halloween costume; plus, that Taco Bell value menu called out to my teenage hunger at the time. Geez, you traumatize one party of children and all of a sudden you’re a heartless monster...

The mayor patiently waited for the cheers to die down before continuing. “In just a few moments, our town will witness the magic of the sunrise and celebrate this,” she nodded to a golden tapestry hanging in the air, “the longest day of the year!”

“And now, it is my great honor, to introduce to you the great ruler of our land. The very pony that gives us the sun and the moon each and every day-”

‘Even though I failed high school physics, I’m still calling bullshit on that one.’

“… the good, the wise-”

’The troll…’

“-the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria… Princess Celestia!” the potentially corrupt mayor of Ponyville finished excitedly.

The birds and trumpets made their return while the white and purple she-touched-me-in-strange-places-with-a-tape-measure pony pulled on a rope, drawing a pair of curtains open. The spotlight whizzed over to reveal... an empty spot behind the curtains. Every pony in the hall gasped in shock.

I glanced down at Sparky to see that not only did she look shocked, but also a little bit scared. “Uh... Twilight?”

Twilight stared at the empty spot, her head sinking towards the floor. “This, can’t be good!”

I nodded in agreement. “Yeah. Trolling me is one thing. But trolling her loyal and loving subjects? Ohhh… that’s just evil.”

Twilight looked at me incredulously and stomped a hoof in frustration. “Shaun, this is serious!”

“And I, for once, support your outrage one hundred percent,” I agreed flatly. “I mean, just ‘cause her subjects are loyal and extremely gullible doesn’t mean she can just show up fashionably late at these things. She’s got an image to maintain!”

Twilight looked at me with her mouth agape, before facehoofing... err, I guess that’s what you call it. If not, that’s what I’m going to call it now. “Shaun, the prophecy, remember? Nightmare Moon? Does that ring a bell?”

“Look, Sparky,” I tried to give her a reassuring look. “Just ‘cause a book that was perhaps written long ago said the end of the world is coming doesn’t mean that’s going to happen.”

“But--”

I quickly cut her off. “No buts, just chill.”

“Remain calm everypony, there must be a reasonable explanation!” exclaimed the Mayor, trying to calm the ponies in the room, many of whom looked one hoof-fall away from a stampede.

I don’t know how something like that would exactly pan out... but I can only assume that with my luck I’ll find myself right in the middle of that mess with a few bones not so in tact...

To compound matters, Pinkie Pie began jumping in the air like an ADHD child on sugar pills. “Ooh, ooh, I love guessing games! Is she hiding?” She looked around her as if the Princess would just appear out of thin air.

I watched as Rarity, who had disappeared backstage to look for Celestia, trotted back over to the balcony railing and announced, “She's gone!”

‘Thank you, for stating the obvious. Never would have guessed that with her... well, being gone and all...’

The hall full of ponies made another collective gasp, and I swear a couple of them fainted. It’s like those goats you can say ‘boo’ to and they just fall over and play dead... ‘cept pastel ponies. Although, it’s equally hilarious to watch either way.

Pinkie Pie had a look of admiration on her face. “Ooh, she's good!”

Suddenly, the pink demon screeched and the room full of ponies once again gasped in unison. Pretty sure a few of them fell over again as well.

In the place of where the Princess was supposed to be, a great sparking ball of... star... gas... stuff... sparklies... shinies... appeared. Yeah, that’s my description and I’m sticking to it; and in my opinion it’s a damn good one... somewhat...

...

Alright, alright... I suck at being descriptive at times. Happy?

Twilight Sparkle gasped and lowered her head in fright. “Oh no...” The twinkly star vapor crap split in two, revealing a tall black alicorn in silver armor. Yes... twinkly star vapor crap. Once again, I stick to my descriptions because in my mind, I am infallible. She stretched out her black wings as the star mass that made up her mane and tail fully took shape. “Nightmare Moon!”

Spike groaned as he raised his arms into the air and promptly rolled off of Sparky’s back, fainting onto the ground.

“Oh, my beloved subjects. It's been so long since I've seen your precious, little sun-loving faces.”

“What did you do with our Princess?!” yelled Skittles, as she pointed an accusing hoof towards the dark alicorn; before hastily attempting to shoot off towards her. Luckily, however, Applejack was nearby and had enough sense to hold her back from what would have most likely been a flank kicking.

Now, I don’t claim to be the brightest individual there is. Hell, I don’t even claim to think most of my actions through; that’s something that I know is readily apparent at times. However, charging at a being powerful enough to move a celestial body? Even I can say that’s about as smart as playing a game of chicken against a dump truck while driving a Prius. Just how dumb can this mare be?

The black pony threw her head back and gave an evil laugh. “Why, am I not royal enough for you? Don't you know who I am?”

For the hyper-pink-migraine-inducing pony, that was all it took for her brain to subconsciously scream ‘challenge accepted’ followed by a rapid auditory attack on the senses. “Ooh, ooh, more guessing games! Um, Hokey Smokes! How about... Queen Meanie! No! Black Snooty, Black Snooty-” Applejack quickly stuffed an apple in her mouth to shut her up. But, of course that wouldn’t stop her, she continued mumbling off potential bad-guy names.

The black pony brushed off the interruption and flew over to Fluttershy. “Does my crown no longer count now that I have been imprisoned for a thousand years?” The shy pony trembled in the air and hid her face from the mare. The black mare flew over to Rarity and finished her speech while also invading her personal space. Ha! Take that! “Did you not recall the legend?” she asked as she caressed the white pony’s jaw with her crazy-ass magical mane. “Did you not see the signs?”

Sparky quickly spoke up and answered, “I did. And I know who you are. You're the Mare in the Moon – Nightmare Moon!”

‘Ahhhh... dammit, Sparky. Not only are you right, you just directed Nightmare Moon’s attention this way. Hopefully the world-ending entity won’t pay the tall biped-thing any mind...’

The black pony, now named Nightmare Moon, looked down at Sparky, a hint of amusement on her face. “Well, well, well, somepony who remembers me. Then you also know why I'm...” she drifted off as her gaze shifted and fell on me.

‘Well... crap? Seriously, my unicorn acquaintance is digging my grave here...’

“What manner of... creature,” she spat out the ‘creature’ part with a heavy amount of disdain, “art thou?”

‘Alright, don’t soil yourself, and be respectful, and maybe nothing bad will happen to me.’ I took a deep breath and looked up, pointed to myself, and squeaked, “meep?”

...

Go to hell, brain! You’re stupidity has screwed me over one too many times lately!

Sparky, though clearly still scared, looked at me strangely. Many of the ponies in the Town Hall looked confused, and Ms. Scary Alicorn-thing raised an eyebrow at my response.

“Art thou so ignorant that thou cannot form a proper response?” questioned the black mare of my possible doom and destruction with a smirk on her face.

Now, this is where a normal person would think things through, and make an attempt to either redirect her attention or stand tall, proud, and rectify their moment of meekness.

I, however, am not that type of person. When insults are flung my way... well, that’s when I stop thinking, momentarily.

Acting on mere instincts alone, honed to perfection from years of dealing with friends that have said similar things, I snorted and yelled back without thinking, “Well hello Miss Fancy Pants! I've got news for you, sweetheart. You ain't leadin' but two things right now, Jack and shit... and Jack left town!”

I was expecting her to be insulted; or perhaps mildly annoyed. However, she just quirked an eyebrow at my response. “And what, pray tell, does--”

“It means take your horn and shove it up your flank!”

“Thou--”

“Up yours!”

The Town Hall stood silent for a moment before there was a collective gasp from the crowd. Looking around the room I found most everypony was staring at me, mouth open and wide-eyed. I looked down at Sparky who was also looking at me, her mouth agape, and a look that screamed ‘you fool’ etched on her features.

…

Coincidentally, just a few seconds after my auto-response left my lips, my sense of self-preservation, having taken a quick bathroom break, decided to reassert itself very quickly. The nice rational voice in my began to calmly assess my situation. ‘Fuuuuuuuuuuuu! Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god! I’m so screwed! So freaking screwed! Sooooooooooo freaking screwed. Why? Why did I think saying any of that was a good idea?!’

“How... dare thou speak to a Princess in such a manner! You will regret not holding thine tongue you foul--”

Luckily for me, the mayor of Ponyville cut her off. “Seize her!” she yelled at the royal guards in the room. “Only she knows where the Princess is!”

… Seems the mayor’s got a pair on her. She’s just earned my vote.

The guards, having been relatively useless in every aspect of their existence this evening thus far, finally took action as they began to converge on her, attempting to subdue the black mare.

‘Equestria’s finest to the rescue!’

While the guards converged on my little nightmare, I took the chance to swallow any semblance of courage I might have had at one point during the evening and dove for cover behind the table next to Applejack. Better to be cowardly, in my opinion, than stick around and find out what happens to idiots who can’t seem to shut their mouth. Applejack just rolled her eyes at my antics. Hell if I care right now, though.

From my hiding spot, I watched as the enraged alicorn cackled and bellowed, “Stand back, you foals!” Lightning struck right in front of her and she flung the guards into the wall with what looked like very little effort.

I could only watch the display of power and facepalm. ‘Well, great. Dammit, guys... why do you have to suck so bad? Wasn’t fighting evil and extremely powerful beings anywhere in your training regimen?’

“Now... where was I...” I heard her say from behind my cover. “Ah yes, I was just about to... where has the foul beast run off to?!”

‘Ah shit... this isn’t going to end well.’

“Come out, cretin!” bellowed Nightmare Moon.

‘Not happening...’

After a brief moment of silence, the Town Hall suddenly became filled with her enraged demands for me to face my punishment like a real colt would. Good thing for me then that I’m not a colt, so I don’t feel obligated to come out and save face. At that moment though, something bumped up against me, which caused my heart to skip a beat. As I turned to see what it was, my vision quickly became filled with a mass of pink, two big eyes, and an even bigger smile.

“Hey Shaun, are you hiding?!”

I quickly clamped a hand over her mouth, for all the good I knew that would do, I tried to keep her quiet before whispering, “Yes Pinkie. The mare of destruction and I are playing a grand game of hide and seek at the moment.”

‘Cept if I lose, well... yeah. Morbid things happen.’

The pink mare’s eyes lit up. “Oh, I love hide and seek! Can I play? Can I, huh huh huh?”

“Pinkie,” I hissed, “it’s really just between the two of us, so unless you can keep her from finding me...”

“Hmmm.” Her demeanor became serious for a moment as she rubbed a hoof against her chin in contemplation. Looking back at me she broke into her maniacal grin that I’ve come to fear with my entire being. “I can do that!”

I blinked. “Wait, what?”

“Watch!” she replied as she got up.

“Pinkie, no!” I hissed trying to stop her.

Sadly, I’ve come to find out that reasoning with Pinkie Pie is an idea that’s dead in the water from the very moment you think of doing so. The party pony quickly jumped out from behind the table and waved a forehoof in the air, trying to get the dark alicorn’s attention. “Hey, Nightmare Moon,” she chirped, the smile never leaving her face as she began to bounce up and down. “He ran out when you weren’t looking to find a super-duper-awesome hiding spot after calling you a big meanie flank!”

...

‘Oh god, seriously? There’s no damn way she’s going to fall for--’

“Is that so?” I heard Nightmare Moon respond in a curious manner. “Well then, I shall simply have to flush the beast out like the insignificant rat it is.”

‘That bit--… wait, what the hell?’

Nightmare Moon chuckled. “Remember this day, little ponies, for it was your last. From this moment forth, the night will last forever!” She broke into evil laughter as lightning struck in the background and her star gas filled up the room in a fat, dark swirl. With her cackling still ringing in the background, she dissipated into vapor and zipped out of the room, quickly followed by Skittles, the suicidally-minded pony.

‘That.. worked?!’ I couldn’t believe my luck; she actually fell for the ruse! She actually fell for that stupid-as-hell trick! Apparently I’m safe for the time being! My luck is finally taking a turn for the better! Turning to the mare that quite possibly just saved me from myself as she trotted back towards me, I did something I didn’t think I would ever do...

I hugged a pony.

“Pinkie Pie, you are freaking awesome,” I said, genuinely grateful for her actions.

She giggled and hugged back. “Thanks, Mr. Human!”

Picking myself up off the floor, I quickly scanned the room as I watched frightened ponies converse with one another at what had just transpire. Which in turn ruined my good mood from being saved just now. Upon further though, that doesn’t really freaking matter because we’re screwed in the long run, anyway. I mean, I’m no biologist; hell, my academic performance with any field of science is proof of that. Buuuuuut... last time I checked, plants need sunlight to grow. No sun, no sunlight. No sunlight, no plants. Last I understood, plants are the main source of food in Equestria. This, in turn, seems like it would be a small catastrophic event for a society of herbivores...

But hey, I’m always up for salvaging something good out of something bad, and at least I learned another valuable lesson today. Sometimes, you just have to trust a slightly unbalanced being, that is at times seemingly on the edge of insanity, and their predictions of the end of the world as we know it. It might just be true.

Little good that does me now...

Speaking of Sparky, I noticed that she was no longer beside me. I glanced around until finally I saw her disappearing out the door. Something told me not to follow her... but for once, I told myself that maybe... just maybe... it would be best to do so. After all, what could go wrong that hasn’t already?

“Where are you going?” questioned Pinkie Pie as I turned to go.

“I’ve got to catch up with Sparky,” I replied, before looking back at her with a small grin. “If there is a tomorrow, we’ll talk then and I’ll buy ya some hay or something as thanks for earlier.” I didn’t even wait for her response as I began walking away.

While I made my way out, I noticed one of the Royal Pegasi slumped against the wall near the doors, still as death itself. That... had me worried. I may not like these guys... but I’m not heartless, either. I walked over to the guard who, thankfully, gave out a small groan; that at least assured me he was still alive. I studied him for a moment, making sure he didn’t have any visible injuries. After I got a good look at him, I couldn’t help but feel that he seemed vaguely familiar. Chances are he was one of those that played defensive lineman against the human. Still, I kneeled down beside him to check on his condition. “Hey, man... er... pony... colt... screw it. Hey, guard. You okay there?”

He moaned pathetically in response. “I-it... hurts... in... p-places... I didn’t... know existed.”

Yup, he’s okay... probably. “Well, I totally agree with you there,” I said as I backed away, “karma's a bitch. Next time don’t bury the strange alien underneath you and your friends, and the universe won’t screw you over in the end.”

“That... wasn’t me,” he managed to mutter, then winced in pain again.

“Oh... well, umm...” I looked around sheepishly, feeling like a complete ass with all things considered, before glancing at the exit. “Oh look, seems my handler has left the building! I’ll just be seeing you around, then. Feel better!” With that, I got up and made a hasty departure from the Town Hall as ponies moved in to assist the downed guard.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking, but come on! How was I supposed to know he wasn’t one of my assailants? The guards all look the same to me when you’re buried underneath seven of them at a time...

Don’t you dare judge me! I’ve seen things in those pony piles that can’t be unseen...

By the time I exited the Town Hall, I had already lost track of Sparky and Spike; though I had a good indication of where she was heading. She needs information, and a library has information. Simple logic if you ask me.

I made my way across town quickly, coming up on the tree house just in time to notice Sparky making her way inside. When I finally entered the library, Sparky was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, closing the door behind her softly with her magic. She looked at me briefly before she made her way over to a shelf on the far side of the library without saying a word.

“So...”

“Not now, Shaun.” she replied offhandedly, “I need to concentrate.”

“Well, is there anything I can do to help?”

She didn’t even bother to look at me as she magically lifted another few books and tossed them aside after glancing at their covers. “I... appreciate the offer, but if this day and your entire stay here is anything to go by, your type of help generally doesn’t... well... help.”

I opened my mouth to object at the perceived insult, but closed it after I quickly evaluated her reasoning. Honestly, perhaps I had little ground to stand on to defend myself. Like hell I’d admit that to her, even under duress, but now was not the time to bicker; the apocalypse seems like a good reason to bury the hatchet for the moment, after all.

Looking down at the floor, I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. “Alright, look... you’re trying to find some book, and two sets of eyes are better than one. I’m fairly certain I can look for a book, at least. Besides, like hell would I want this Nightmare Moon to win because, let’s face it... I’m screwed just as much as you ponies are if she does. I say that we team up for the moment. Agreed?”

She looked at me firmly, clearly looking for any hint on insincerity on my part. After a few moments her expression softened. “Setting aside our grievances for mutual self-preservation? It-- well, it seems I was wrong about your ability to reason rationally under extreme situations.”

… Die in a fire, Sparky. Just die in a fire...

The unicorn thought briefly for a moment more before nodding her head at me. “Agreed then. I’m looking for a book on what my research has led me to believe is the only thing capable of stopping Nightmare Moon, the Elements of Harmony--”

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a blur of cyan flew up in her face, “And just what are the Elements of Harmony?” I was about to say something in response to her intrusion, but the soft sound of hooves against hardwood brought my attention to the doorway behind me; I turned around and noticed Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie entering the library as well.

Sparky slowly started backing up to get away from the irritated pegasus in her face, but Skittles continued to push at her. “And how did you know about Nightmare Moon, huh? Are you two spies?” she yelled accusingly at Sparky and me.

... w... t... f...

I looked at Skittles in disbelief. “Okay, so I just insulted a being that could probably rip me apart limb from limb with her mind if she really wanted to... and you’re asking if we’re spies? You know if I had to place a monetary value on your ability to reason, I’d say you’d be three bits short of a two bit cup of coffee...”

The rainbow mare looked at me for a few seconds, clearly confused by what I said. However, I saw the metaphorical hamster wheel turning in her head, albeit slowly, and about twenty seconds later her head began to look as red as a tomato. She flew at me and I quickly found her mere inches from my face. “Why, you! I’ll show you wha-- whoa!” she exclaimed as Applejack grabbed her by the tail and thankfully jerked her away from me.

The country mare soon released Skittles’ tail and sighed in annoyance. “Simmer down, Sally. They ain't no spies,” she looked at me with a hint of scrutiny. “Besides, this here critter stands out too much. Don’t make much sense to be a spy that stands out, don’t ya think?”

I could see in Rainbow’s eyes that even with that explanation, the riled up pegasus didn’t buy her reasoning entirely. Which in turn caused me to reevaluate my earlier assessment to five bits.

Applejack trotted closer to Twilight and calmly spoke, “But she sure knows what's going on. Don't you, Twilight?” The other mares looked at her, their faces clearly conveying their desires for her to elaborate on what she knew.

Twilight Sparkle seemed to resign and began to explain, “I read all about the prediction of Nightmare Moon. Some mysterious objects called the Elements of Harmony are the only things that can stop her,” she glanced out of the window at the moon, “but I don't know what they are, where to find them, I don't even know what they do!” she finished, frustrated.

"’The Elements of Harmony,’” I turned around and saw Pinkie reading the title of a book straight off the shelf, ”’A Reference Guide.’"

Twilight Sparkle whipped her body around, dashed towards the bookshelf in question, and gently slammed the pink pony out of the way. “How did you find that?!”

Pinkie Pie began to bounce around on her hooves as she replied in a sing-song voice, “It was under ‘E’!”

I slapped my forehead. ‘Oh you have got to be kidding me... how the hell did Sparky not think to look there first?! I swear... she seems brilliant, but when it comes to common sense a toaster oven has her beat...’

Sparky levitated the book from the shelf, flipped it open, and began to read, “There are six Elements of Harmony, but only five are known: Kindness, Laughter, Generosity, Honesty and Loyalty. The sixth is a complete mystery. It is said, the last known location of the five elements was in the ancient castle of the royal pony sisters. It is located in what is now...”

She paused and everyone unanimously read, “The Everfree Forest!”

…

I put a hand over my eyes the shook my head. “Okay, you gals have got to stop doing that.”

All six ponies turned towards me and in unison asked, “Doing what?”

“... That...”

They all stared at me incomprehensibly, before they all cocked their head to the side. “Huh?”

I looked at them somewhat crossly before sighing and throwing my hands into the air. “You know what? Nevermind. Not worth the time, energy, and sanity involved.”

“He seems kind of tense,” I heard Rarity whisper a little too loud as she leaned closer to the yellow mare beside her. “Darling, do you think he needs another banana?”

…

Yeah, fuck this. I’m out until these mares come up with a damn plan that doesn’t involve talking, gasping, breathing, crying out, or dying in unison. So until next time... if there even is a next time, at this rate...

Sincerely,

S.A.D.

~’.’~’.’~’.’~’.’~’.’~

00lizard note: I wanted to let you guys know that I’m aware some of the commas don’t make sense grammatically. In the dialogue, they’re there to enunciate the pauses the ponies take between words (chiefly, the mayor’s speech). In the narrative, they’re there to force a mental pause and to help keep ideas separate (because the writer is crazy has a lot of ideas). Please don’t hesitate to critique the grammar. Thanks!

So, this chapter was helped along by a lot of people because... well I was being lazy and unmotivated for a while. As usual, 00lizard and Meliron provides the bulk of the nitty-gritty editing. This time however I let a few others read through the chapter early to get some good feedback, and I want to thank Anrodos, Proud-Dust, SlinkySalamander, Invictus, and DustTraveller for their solid advice and contributions! Seriously, those guys rock!

Comments

[00Lizard]

Wooooo! New chapter!

[The Haunt]

1345320
D: I was going to call firsties on this Liz! Thanks a lot for ruining my dreams, GOSH!

[OutrageousOstrich]

...tl;dr
Nah, seriously though, this is a buncha fun to read.
Though I feel you may have gone a bit overboard with all of those ellipses. Honestly, it got a wee bit repetitive.

[RandomEncounter]

1345417
This is why you tell me these things!

[00Lizard]

1345398

I'm just a dream-crusher, baby!

download.lavadomefive.com/members/BigClawz/GodzillaPictures-TankStomp.jpg

[The Haunt]

1345424

Oh I already know, Random tells me all about how you stomp on his hopes and dreams on a daily basis. I aprove to say the least, I always enjoy Randoms' misery.

[00Lizard]

1345460

iambrony.jsmart.web.id/mlp/gif/38959%20-%20laughing%20pinkie_pie.gif

[Beyond the Horizon]

I can't wait to see what changes. . .

[TMH]

I can taste the future ackward with Luna already.

Carry On

[HIEfan]

Hillarious as always, keep it up!

[Rokas]

...suddenly my vision was filled with a pink face; their eyes boring into my soul, demanding its surrender.

That line is so freakin' funny, because that's EXACTLY how I imagine meeting Pinkie Pie would be like.

[ImChangingmynameforreaso]

Remember how 13 weeks ago, I said I wouldn't remember much about this story in 7 weeks? I was right... I barely remember anything...

So, let me know if I'm right here, or this is the plot of another story:
Bro goes out drinking, gets hit by lightning (I reread a bit of the first chapter), then gets interrogated by twilight sparkle. Twilight takes it way to far, and broski starts having dreams about being autopsied, then this chapter.

How right was I?

[RandomEncounter]

1347862
Add a dash of cursing his existence and making life difficult for all the ponies around him at times... and the incident with Rarity and the tape measure... and you pretty much got it right. Actually, you're the very reason that I attached a little synopsis to this story. Figured if someone would forget, a lot of people would.

Also, Shaun abhors the term bro. His head will probably explode if he heard half of your comment.

[MyWorld93]

You updated!? When did the cataclysm happen and why wasn't I invited? You'd think I could have at least set off the lava flows or something...

[ImChangingmynameforreaso]

1347875 Sorry, 5AM isn't very conducive to other peoples thoughts. neither is 12PM apparently...

[blanie]

Stuff actually happened in this (Amazing) chapter
But you didn't thank me in the writer's notes for time wasting... The nerve of some people...

[glitch200]

Dear Celestia's teats MOAR!

[RandomEncounter]

1425646
Don't worry, he'll try to eventually smooth things over.

[sgtnolisten]

*Sees chapter titles*

Come on! How's the joke end?i.imgur.com/oseQw.png

[RandomEncounter]

1494908
Well, it's not so much a joke as it is a physical beatdown of Shaun. I mean, I suppose if you enjoy watching him suffer, there's amusement there.

[sgtnolisten]

1495240 Haven't started reading it yet as I've got, hold on one moment... 7 other stories in my que, but those titles did get my interest in wondering what the punch line will be.

[RandomEncounter]

1748100
To be honest I can't remember. I saw it on a google search, recognized it for what it was, then went with that cause it amused me to no end.

[HonorGuard_Ra]

Poke the corpse. Poke the corpse.