I had several extremely distracting plot bunnies that wouldn't leave me alone. Something possessed me to amalgamate them all into an SI fic. I can't seem to shake the suspicion I executed it terribly.
Garrett was your typical college student. After his curiosity got the better of him, he found himself brought to Equestria against his will and turned into a unicorn. He proceeds to act like he walked into an urban fantasy novel.
SI with no prior knowledge of Equestria, first fic, pointing out errors is appreciated, I know it's SI but the idea wouldn't stop fleshing itself out.
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I am intrigued to see where this will go!
WOT.
i demanned moar
that was awesome
celestia takes no shit from nopony!
fantastic
Is Twilight completely A-moral in this story?
113271
I'm not entirely sure where you're going with this, but here's my response.
If she was completely amoral, she would never have made the offer and simply left Garrett to his fate. It was a moment of temporary insanity she needs to recover from somewhat. One fictional universe Garrett is seeing the situation through the lens of is The Dresden Files, where Twilight would have been beheaded for the Want it Need it spell without a second thought. Using mind magic even once in that universe makes you damaged goods. As you begin warping others minds to solve your problems, you warp your own mind in the process, eventually turning you into a complete monster. It's a vicious cycle that can be difficult to get out of. Garrett's familiarity with the seven laws of magic may be coloring his perception slightly (IE seeing Twilight as something akin to Molly Carpenter).
113299 It must suck to be a mute telepath who's only form of communication is mindspeak in that universe(Dresden Files), yeah it must.
There's probably a difference between invading another's mind/enthralling them to your will(The two laws against mind magic in the Dresden Files), and telepathy. I've seen telepathy used twice in those books and it was never treated as an atrocity. The most powerful member of the Senior Council used telepathy once to coordinate a fight against a gas monster that disintegrates on contact. You definitely have a point though, there's a bit of inconsistency, a gray area.
Seven Laws of Magic!!!! Dresden Files ftw.
120194
Eyup
. I've seen so many stories about sending bronies to Equestria that I thought I'd try something a little different.
This guy is like me from two months ago. Though his wrong genre savvyness comes from not being able to identify Equestria as being very high on the ideal side of the Sliding Scale of Idealism vs Cynicism. Though he probably hasn't seen enough clues yet. I look forward to seeing where this story goes.
The conversation about Karate is rather clunky. I had the sense that either Garrett should have interjected sooner, or Twilight should have prefaced the tangent with something like "bear with me here". One thing to keep in mind- it seems to me that Garrett should know that overestimating things can be as deadly as underestimating them (unless you want to make clear that he is being paranoid by having this come back to bite him).
Otherwise, fun stuff dude! Keep it up!
120612
Thanks for the advice! Thinking about what you said gave me some useful ideas for references if I wanted to put Garrett's paranoia into context or take it down a notch.
I can think of two things you may have been talking about with the overestimating things. The first is Garrett comparing applebucking to a Shaolin training exercise. The second is his comment about assuming curses are possible incase one gets developed.
Are either of these what you were talking about?
fantastic
dUDE THIS IS SOOO COOL!
tWILIGHT IS COOL!
gARRETT IS COOL!
Why are my uppercase and lowercase letters reversed here?!
caps lock
story is great, keep at it!
I like the way you've connected those elements of Earth's mythology and history with Equestria, I think it's very creative.
I really liked the story so far, and I'm curious to see where it is going. Keep the good work.
Senbonzakura? Wiki-ing....
If being in control of too many objects at once can drive you insane, Senbonzakura is definitely on the list of stuff never to conjure. I can imagine his spells working in a way similar to Nagato Yuki from Suzumiya Haruhi series. Basically manipulating the data of the world. That would be interesting. Keep up the good work.
Wow Celestia, first your student completely ruins this guy's life and then neither of you even apologize, and THEN you give him a choice of "stay in this supply room until we can get rid of you without attempting to make restitution, OR I WILL SHOVE YOU IN A DUNGEON". When did ponies become sociopaths? The threatening with hellish punishments on top of that is just the icing on the heartless prat cake.
148868
Apparently I wasn't clear and needed to work on that. Thanks for pointing it out. I edited Celestia's remarks into something less sociopathic and more clear.
Here's what I was trying to get across originally.
Twilight offered use of her storage room as a token of her apology.
The fact that Twilight had unwittingly ruined Garrett's life meant the spell to send him home was off the table and he could stay in Twilight's library as a pony until he could find other living arrangements.
Celestia thinks the arrangement is a bad idea due to having contact with humans centuries ago and thinking we're vengeful bastards, but is willing to allow it to let her student learn from her mistakes.
She made that last comment before she teleported away as a warning about getting any ideas of long term vengeance plots after she left due to the fact she cares about Twilight. One of the groups that get sent to the ninth circle in Dante's Inferno are those who betray their benefactors.
Does this clarify anything?
sounds good. so long as erratic is not equal to never
<Nightmare Moon refused to raise the sun>
Shouldn't that be "lower the moon" instead?
149610
Thanks, its been corrected.
Oh thank goodness you still left in the last paragraph I have come to call "Celestia doesn't F--k Around".
Nobody expects the Spanish (Transdimentional Fishing Line) Inquisition!
His first questions about combat magic reminded me of a Fate/Stay Night MLP xover. Unicorn!Archer is like Big Mac but leaner and a bit darker red with his two black and white swords Kanchou and Bakuya crossed as his cutie mark. His specialty is materializing swords then shooting them at you at high speeds.
193078
You know, I was actually thinking about Vergil from Devil May Cry when I thought of uses for blinking objects out of thin air.
Edit(03-03-12): Now that I think about it, I have no idea what this comment has to do with anything, I'm sorry about that. Also, I just saw some fight scenes from Fate Stay Night. Gilgamesh... just Gilgamesh. Wow.
"Note to self: Sitting like a human attracts reverse furries."
I'll have to keep that in mind if I ever end up in Ponyville.
297486
Seeing as how I'm a furry myself, that comment on its own made my whole night. XD
One of the things I like most about this story are the hilarious chapter titles.
fantastic
♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪
.....The squirrel sent me over the edge. PREPARE THYSELF!!! watwatwatwatwatwatwatwatwatwatwatwatwatwatwatwatwatwatwatwatwatwatwatwat
you are either trying hard enough, or had a small plot hole.
the evil man wont tell you which
344696
Who says both those statements can't be true?
An inventive insertion into Equestria, bravo good sir.
My only gripe with it so far is the expository walls in the dialogue, but I guess it's necessary to keep the story moving at a reasonable pace.
And I have WHAT'd once or twice.
352538
I was wondering if I needed to tone that down a little more, thanks.
....I don't remember that "Dark" tag being there before. :\
372939
Do you think I overreacted adding that tag because of this chapter?
373537
Actually haven't even read it yet, since I'm not sure I want to continue reading this story if it's taking a dark turn. It's a pet peeve of mine when authors do that, especially since it seems to happen a lot in these human-in-Equestria fics.
374351
The two masked ponies responsible for the giant cyborg squirrel attack won't be showing up again for a while, but I think I made them a lot worse than the villains that turn up on the show(Let's start with the fact they'd use fire magic in the middle of a populated area and go from there).
As for my current intentions with the tone of the story, it's probably going to lighten up for a while before it get's dark again. I'm actually wondering if the darkness of this chapter makes sense in context or if it just feels tacked on. I do not want to write something dark if I can't at least do it organically and make it make sense in context.
375347
Even if it does "lighten up again" for a bit, the idea that it will be dark is enough to put some people, me included, off of this story. I'm just saying, if you're planning on making a story dark at some point, even if it's just a few parts, it should have the dark tag from the get-go, so people who hate dark stuff know to avoid getting into a story only to have it take a turn to a genre they hate. :\
375597
Thank you for your honesty then. The magitech Deus Ex angle didn't fully flesh itself out until I was in the middle of writing and had submitted this story already. Sorry I didn't realize how dark that could be earlier.
So he just got his life ruined and just forgives them without even battling an eye? i mean i get why he took the offer but he showing absolutely no form of aggression whatsoever? that was completely unrealistic
No offense, but what determines what kind of pony you transform into and your cutie mark?