[C] Homework

KinkyPony #1 · Aug 18th, 2014 · 1 · ·

Fantastic! Thank you!

I must admit, my original idea was a tiny bit bit on the dark side, but I love how you've turned it into a cute and charming story.

TheLunarCelestia

TheLunarCelestia #2 · Aug 18th, 2014 · 1 · ·

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Oh my gawd.

I love it.

Aerin Silverfeather

Aerin Silverfeather #3 · Aug 18th, 2014 · · ·

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As per usual, great work

iamli3

iamli3 #4 · Aug 18th, 2014 · 1 · ·

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that description has all my yes written all over it........

Siras-chi

Siras-chi #5 · Aug 19th, 2014 · 3 · ·

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Incest! It's The Best! Put Your Family to the Test!

Flutterpony

Flutterpony #6 · Aug 19th, 2014 · 1 · ·

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Well written! I don't think I noticed any mistakes.
It's so hard to come by good female cartoon pony diaper messing incest masturbatory literature. Fantastically fetishistic!

CloppyDisk

CloppyDisk #7 · Aug 20th, 2014 · · ·

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I rarely comment on here, but this was just awesome.
Good story, good grammar, fetishes.. everything was just excellent.

iamli3

iamli3 #8 · Aug 20th, 2014 · · ·

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crap , unexpected watersports , i thought your content notes were total and i never saw a watersports tag before....

sigh this is soooo unbelievable , but at the same time such great fetish fuel lol......

the part where shining would urinate in twi's diapers though is highly confusing , that might be something possible for humans to do , but im pretty sure nowhere near physically possible for ponies to do in the way you described.....

iamjohndoe

iamjohndoe #9 · Aug 20th, 2014 · 1 · ·

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There were a lot of ideas the commissioner wanted and to avoid wasting perfectly good real estate, this story has a lot of "show-don't-tell" rule breaking in it.

"How bad could it be?" I thought to myself, and then clicked the link. But you were right, and the first couple pages read like a summary of another story. But your upfront explanation did a good job justifying why this was so, and so I'm not going to hold you against it.

I feel there were a couple of missed character-establishing moments in the first couple paragraphs that wouldn't have taken up much additional space. For example, whose idea was it to chart her progress on the calender. I chose to believe that this was Twilight's initiative, not her parents, presenting her preemptive data-collecting nature.

There aren't very many stories here (or anywhere) where a character has a fetish for seeing others in diapers, but doesn't try to use diapers themselves. This makes this story really stand out as something unique and interesting, and I really like that.

Do you have a prereader? Your writing is consistently really solid, so I get the impression that you either already have one or have enough of a knack for writing that you don't need one, but another pair of eyes could help to catch the little things that slip through the cracks and could be confusing for a reader. If you want, I can volunteer preread for you. I enjoy your stories and have no problem helping to polish them.

Overall, definitely a job well done and a thumbs up. Below are a couple of thoughts, observations, and nitpicks:

"I'm dry!" Twilight said to herself with a big smile one night.

Should "night" be "morning", or are you saying she woke up in the middle of the night? It's a little unclear.

the extra organ that stallion's had between their legs, but never knew how to ask.

There shouldn't be an apostrophe in "stallions", and since "but never knew how to ask" is its own clause separated by a comma, it needs to contain a subject ("but she never knew how to ask.")

"She paused every other step to make sure her presence wasn't known by her slumbering brother" is a passive voice, which is awkward in this case. Consider, "She paused every other step to make sure he hadn't heard her", or maybe "to make she he hadn't woken up."

You don't describe Shining getting an erection, he's just limp in one sentence and stiff in the other. Morningwood doesn't cause an erection when people wake up; it causes an erection while they sleep and then they wake up.

This may be a personal nitpick, but I find the consistent use of "stallionhood" is distracting. The word is too abstract. It's a penis. You can call it a penis.

I feel like Shining's diaper interest comes out of left field (although that could just be the word count.)

The perspective drifts a little bit throughout the story too. Sometimes the narrative is clearly Twilight's perspective, written with confusion toward Shining's actions. But then you go and mention Shining's "cum", drifting into a more omniscient perspective outside of Twilight.

I know you had to cut down on words, but I feel like Shining's request for Twilight to not change after she first messes herself could use some elaboration. Does he want her to get caught in a dirty diaper? This could tie into the parents' reaction the first time it happens. I think a scene of the first morning after her first mess could have contributed a lot to the characters and story.

I'm a bit surprised that the narrative doesn't pay any attention to Twilight's genitals during the diaper change. Is he not into that, or was this imposed by the word limit?

pogheart

pogheart #10 · Aug 21st, 2014 · 1 · ·

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simple, elegant, hot.

Brony Memes

Brony Memes #11 · Aug 21st, 2014 · 3 · ·

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I came. EVERYWHERE

Prince Ecosis

Prince Ecosis #12 · Aug 24th, 2014 · · ·

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4885849
This is why I followed you. Because you're GOLDEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Great story! Keep up the good work!

Shakespearicles

Shakespearicles #13 · Jan 12th, 2015 · 1 · ·

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I usually avoid diaper fetish like the plague.
I came for the Twining.
I stayed through the diaper fetish.
Then I came for the Twining.
Have an up-vote!

Mr Ghostman