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When Fluttershy moves to a new cottage in the country side to escape the mocking pegasi of Cloudsdale. She realizes that not only is it hard work but she misses her friends. One night after visiting the grocery shop she goes to bed and whilst she's asleep she has a mysterious dream which bewilders her in so many ways. Whats going on? Where is she? What's happened to her friends? And why are there two of her?!
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Should I continue the story, should I do a sequel or should I leave it as it is? Please leave a reply and please give me advice on what to do thank you
Moves way too quickly. The story could do with being fleshed out a lot more; too much has been crammed into a small space, and there's no time to let anything develop properly.
Plus, there are numerous mistakes like that which make it difficult to get into the swing of things.
There's potential, but you need to take a couple of days, go over what you've written and look to expand on what you've got.
4789410 Orchid, one thing that I am curious about is WHY did Fluttershy leave Ponyville? I was curious about that from the start. I would suggest that you add more substance to this story. Give explanations as to why certain things happen, develop the scenes more. Have the mean Fluttershy and her friends interact more with regular Fluttershy. Like palaikal said, it does have potential. Just focus, do some deep thinking and you will produce a truly spectacular story. Still a good story though. Regarding the sequel, I'm not sure where you would get one out of this.
Feed me more chapters. Give me a reason why she left.
4790798 Thank you for the advice and I'm sorry it's kind of vague because I had to re-write the whole story because of weird mistakes with formatting and I was up in the middle of the night finishing it. *yawns* I'm tired
4790474 Thank you for the great advice and yes I will probably expand the story longer but I don't really get what is wrong with the sentence in your example.
I'm sorry somtimes I can be a bit derpy
4792963
Well, there's the fact that not many grocery stores are open at midnight for a start. A larger supermarket might be 24/7, but I don't think there's anything like that in Equestria.
And also it should be "grocery store".
4793259 Ok thank you
. I cant beleive I was so stupid.
Also thank you for the wonderfull advice earlier. I am already starting to explain in more detail why she left Ponyville and I'm thinking about finding an editor in case I make any more mistakes
4793563
Glad to help.
Don't ever think yourself stupid when you make a mistake; it's part of the learning process, and you'll find that you get better with each new story.
4793984 Wow that sounds like what my lovely teacher says to me. "Remember, failing is a part of winning and if you fall you have to get back up again"
4795158
Sounds like a good teacher.
4790798 Well I have taken your advice and written a new chapter to explain why she left. I've also edited the original chapter so if you want to read it then feel free!
4804489 Orchid, this is absolutely spectacular so far. Great explanation as to why Fluttershy moved away. I like this so far and look forward to more.
4807079 I might leave it like that on a cliff hanger. But I'm writing another cool mystery story called Do you want to play? about why pinkie turns into pinkamena
Looks like someone is deleting all the negative comments.
I mean, I really like your story.