True, True friends?

by Orchid Star eyes

Kindness?!

Two hours ago, Fluttershy had begun to head home from her visit to the market. It was midnight, and the cold breeze started to blow harder as the night raged on. She had been walking for hours. The wounds had fully healed now and she was able to fly but she was so tired she could barely hover. Not only was it a long walk to her house from the market, but living in the country side meant she barely had any visitors, except for her landlord.

When she finally got home, Fluttershy walked into her cottage and sighed, she dropped her shopping on her kitchen table, to exhausted to pack the food in the cupboards. Then she began to walk tiredly to her bedroom and she groaned as she lowered herself onto the bed.

Fluttershy missed her friends at her old home in Ponyville. The last few months had been nothing but work, moving has been harder than she had thought. Having decorated the house all on her own had given her a throbbing back ache. The springs in the cheap new mattress stuck out, hurting her gentle, vulnerable wings, but under her head was a comfortable pillow. Fluttershy felt her entire body relax as she pulled the covers up to her chin. . The headaches she once hated had become regular, she had gotten used to the pain, but the migraine she had ringed throughout her head was too much and she moaned quietly at the stabbing pain. Soon her turquoise eyes fluttered closed as she rested on the soft, feathery pillow and fell into a deep sleep.

*****

"Huh?" Fluttershy mumbled as she lifted herself off the ground. "Where am I?" As she came to conciousness she found herself floating in a weird, endless sea of sand, it was a desert. Suddenly, she saw she a pink and yellow pegasus dash past her but the heat distorted the air so it was too difficult to see who it was. "What's going on and who is that?" Fluttershy thought as the strange pegasus walked closer.

Unexpectedly, a white flash seemed to emanate from the stranger and Fluttershy found herself in the snowy mountains. It was dark and the moonlight reflected off the snow. The pegasus she had seen a few seconds ago, hovered in front of the glowing moon. Fluttershy noticed her silhouette seemed familiar. An explosion of different colours flashed in the background as the pegasus crash on the ground opposite her. Smoke and debris from the landing blew in Fluttershy's face as she gazed forward in confusion.

Out of the billowing smoke Fluttershy saw a pair of mellow, gold wings appear. She stared in shock as she found herself gazing into a pair of turquoise irises. She was at a loss of words; Fluttershy was face to face with herself! The other Fluttershy beckoned to her as she turned around and began to walk away.

Another bright, white flash exploded in front of her and both Fluttershys were transported to an ominous, mysterious wood. She tried to fly up and run away but she felt so scared. Her feet stuck to the ground like concrete and her wings stuck to her sides, paralysed, and refused to budge. The cold eyes of the other Fluttershy stared at her as she smirked, adjusting the glowing charm around her neck. "T-Th-The E-Element of Kindness!" The real Fluttershy gasped. The fake Fluttershy reached out to her double and touched her on the forehead gently.

An explosion of bright, pink light sent them to the Everfree Forest and quickly the real Fluttershy began to run. The double-ganger launched off into the eerie night sky and beyond into the dark clouds. Fluttershy stopped and looked up into the clouds to see yet another flash. This time, there was a burst of blue, it was so intense that she had to turn away before it could blind her.
"What's the matter sugar cube." a mysterious voice echoed down from the sky. Applejack jumped out of the stormy, grey clouds with a cruel, sly grin on her face.
"Yes, whatever is the matter darling." Rarity cooed pretentiously as she strutted out of the clouds.
"FLUTTERSHY! FLUTTERSHY! FLUTTERSHY CAN HARDLY FLY!" Rainbow dash sneered as she drifted down from in the storm clouds. A mocking laugh echoed out of the burst of light as Pinkie Pie bounced out of the sky. The glow of light grew stronger as the alicorn, Twilight Sparkle, flew down from the clouds. The wicked Fluttershy soared out of the sky. She pointed at the real Fluttershy.
"Get her." she ordered.

Twilight's eyes glowed white as the burning light grew bigger and brighter. The real Fluttershy sped through the forest puffing and panting, her pink hair billowing in the wind. She dashed, through the tress with branches full of green and red leaves, faster than she had ever travelled before.

"GO!" Her double screamed at the others. A flash of rainbows and the six were zooming after her in comets of many colours. Honesty, Generosity, Loyalty, Laughter, Magic and Kindness; all forgotten, corrupted and turned into the monsters that followed her. Leaving her with nothing but cruelty and evil. When the real Fluttershy looked back she saw the the comet hot on her trail.

"Please leave me alone PLEASE!" she wailed in desperation and fright. She felt like a helpless filly, A weak and defenceless child being hunted. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to leave you behind in Ponyville." she wept as the tears flew from her eyes in the gusts of wind. "I'M SORRY IF I HURT YOU!" she screamed as tears stung her eyes, "JUST PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!!"

The comet was right behind her and as she felt it engulf her in it's burning light she saw the evil, glowing turquoise eyes of her double.
"You left us!" Rainbow bellowed from inside the comet, "You will PAY for breaking our hearts!" Twilight seemed to slow as Fluttershy screamed her apologies and begged for forgiveness. The other five cheered in wicked happiness.
"B-B-But she had to..." Twilight murmured, "She had a reason to leav-"
"She hurt us all Twilight," Applejack interrupted, "She deserves no empathy from all of y'all!" Twilight Sparkle frowned.

Suddenly, Twilight pulled up and the comets fell away. In another flash Fluttershy found herself in Ponyville. The wicked, Fluttershy was gone. Her friends Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle were in front of her and they were smiling. Not in malice like those others that had she had faced, but in sweet kindness, like her real friends.
"I'm sorry," Twilight murmured as her eyes sparkled as bright as her element, "We're all sorry." The others nodded. Fluttershy said nothing and hugged her friends.
"Thank you for understanding me," she said in her normal reticence, as she stared into the warm eyes of her real freinds.
"Thank you for coming back." Twilight replied, with a beaming grin on her face and loving tears of happiness in her eyes.

*****

Fluttershy sprang out of her bed. Tears filling her eyes.
"All alone," she then paused to take a deep breath, " Slowly, I am becoming like that cruel Fluttershy." She muttered quietly to herself. "I have to get out of here." She put on her cloak, wrote a letter for the landlord and left it on the bed."I have to get back to my friends!"

Comments

[Orchid Star eyes]

Should I continue the story, should I do a sequel or should I leave it as it is? Please leave a reply and please give me advice on what to do thank you

[goaway]

Moves way too quickly. The story could do with being fleshed out a lot more; too much has been crammed into a small space, and there's no time to let anything develop properly.

It was midnight and she had only returned from her visit to the grocery.

Plus, there are numerous mistakes like that which make it difficult to get into the swing of things.

There's potential, but you need to take a couple of days, go over what you've written and look to expand on what you've got.

[StormLuna]

4789410 Orchid, one thing that I am curious about is WHY did Fluttershy leave Ponyville? I was curious about that from the start. I would suggest that you add more substance to this story. Give explanations as to why certain things happen, develop the scenes more. Have the mean Fluttershy and her friends interact more with regular Fluttershy. Like palaikal said, it does have potential. Just focus, do some deep thinking and you will produce a truly spectacular story. Still a good story though. Regarding the sequel, I'm not sure where you would get one out of this.

[nioniosbbbb]

Feed me more chapters. Give me a reason why she left.

[Orchid Star eyes]

4790798 Thank you for the advice and I'm sorry it's kind of vague because I had to re-write the whole story because of weird mistakes with formatting and I was up in the middle of the night finishing it. *yawns* I'm tired

[Orchid Star eyes]

4790474 Thank you for the great advice and yes I will probably expand the story longer but I don't really get what is wrong with the sentence in your example.

It was midnight and she had only from her visit to the grocery

I'm sorry somtimes I can be a bit derpy

[goaway]

4792963

Well, there's the fact that not many grocery stores are open at midnight for a start. A larger supermarket might be 24/7, but I don't think there's anything like that in Equestria.

And also it should be "grocery store".

[Orchid Star eyes]

4793259 Ok thank you. I cant beleive I was so stupid. Also thank you for the wonderfull advice earlier. I am already starting to explain in more detail why she left Ponyville and I'm thinking about finding an editor in case I make any more mistakes

[goaway]

4793563

Glad to help. Don't ever think yourself stupid when you make a mistake; it's part of the learning process, and you'll find that you get better with each new story.

[Orchid Star eyes]

4793984 Wow that sounds like what my lovely teacher says to me. "Remember, failing is a part of winning and if you fall you have to get back up again"

[goaway]

4795158

Sounds like a good teacher.

[Orchid Star eyes]

4790798 Well I have taken your advice and written a new chapter to explain why she left. I've also edited the original chapter so if you want to read it then feel free!

[StormLuna]

4804489 Orchid, this is absolutely spectacular so far. Great explanation as to why Fluttershy moved away. I like this so far and look forward to more.

[Orchid Star eyes]

4807079 I might leave it like that on a cliff hanger. But I'm writing another cool mystery story called Do you want to play? about why pinkie turns into pinkamena

[elfs]

Looks like someone is deleting all the negative comments.

I mean, I really like your story.