In weirdest day, in strangest night, no bad mood shall escape my sight, let those who cry in lonely spite, beware my shippings, Bronyparasite's might!
Celestia and Luna lost there brother before the rise of discord. 2000 years later he returns and a threat to Equesteria is reviled. is he the threat or something else?
Edit: Other main characters include, Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Scootaloo, Screwball, Derpy Hooves, Dinky Hooves and Sparkler!
Canceled.
Page generated in 0.201 seconds
Total duration
887 users online
94,279 hits today, 2,139,894 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Those dislikes likely come from the ever watchful eyes of grammer nazis.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Silmarillion
Prologue reminds me of tolkien.
Main body needs work.
Put a comma after the first word, 'Tia'. Otherwise, it's getting a little late into hurricane season. Bah! Nobody's gonna get that. *sigh* They go up the alphabet.... blaaa, nevermind.
Also, i think it looks prettier indented. Every paragraph. That's a minor gripe tho. Blaa. Titanic is bored.
*waves magic grammar nazi wand*
Italics: Minor edit.
Bold: Rework/adding.
"Tia, the storm hasn't passed!" Luna said in a fearful state.
It was confirmed, the storm had not passed, while Celestia looked outside. In fact, the storm was so fierce that it knocked trees over and all colors of lightning were threatening to destroy Canterlot. If it didn't stop now, all of Equestria could be lost amidst the floods and lightning.
"What do we do, sister?" Luna inquired, her nerves on edge.
“I dont know, Luna.” Celestia said.
Something was wrong. The storm shouldn't be behaving as fierce as this, there must be somepony controlling it. But who? Discord was reformed and no other creature has the power to control the weather like this, but him. What if he was faking his change of heart? What if he was just pretending? No, he cared for Fluttershy that much was certain. Then who could it have been?
Celestia's thoughts were cut short.
"TIA!!!" Luna's shout brought Celestia's mind back to Luna.
"Sorry Luna. What were you saying?" Celestia asked in an almost motherly tone.
Luna grunted and facehoofed. Celestia simply sighed.
"I said; what if Discord is doing this?" Luna asked.
"You and I both know that Discord wouldn't do that, not with Fluttershy as his friend." Celestia was now thinking of who would have been able to pull it off.
"Hmm? I give up!" Discord declared, appeared out of nowhere.
"DISCORD!!!" Celestia screamed.
"Yes, you called?" Discord said as he bowed.
Celestia scowled at him. She hated when Discord scared her. Luna didn't even seem fazed by him. She had apparently grown used to it. Celestia took a moment to calm herself down before addressing him.
"Discord, do you at least know who is behind this?" Luna inquired, eager to figure the mystery out.
He paused, for dramatic effect. "I have no clue! Isn't it exciting!" Discord proclaimed a little too enthusiastically.
"WHAT!? How do you not know?" Celestia was confused.
"Listen, I can't know everything." Discord made his eyes go all around the room, before continuing. "You must know that by now."
“I'm sorry Discord.” Celestia said with a sigh. This was going to take a while.
Meanwhile... in the Everfree Forest:
Fluttershy trotted through the dark forest, looking up to see how bad the storm was, as the black clouds poured heavy rain down, hitting her body, gaving her a soggy, spine chillingly cold, coat. It was near pitch black, with the exception of the sporadic and momentary lightning strikes.
"Angel Bunny! Where are you?" Fluttershy shouted. Angel had run off into the forest. Fluttershy had been searching for him ever since the storm began. She didn't like to go into the Everfree, but Angel needed her.
The cracking sounds of the fierce weather scared Fluttershy to the core. She galloped as fast as she could, but the continuous blasts of wind in her face were almost too much for her, and she tripped a few times along the way. A bolt of lightning illuminated the Castle of the Two Sisters, not too far from where she was.
"Angel must be in there!" Fluttershy was almost unable to hear herself through the storm. She galloped as fast as she could, for the sake of Angel.
When Fluttershy entered the castle, she was soaking wet. She shook herself dry, causing the water to drip down to the floor. There was a large cracking sound coming from outside. Fluttershy screamed as she leaped into the air, grabbing the remains of a broken chandelier with her hooves. The chandelier swung and creaked before Fluttershy's weight brought it falling down, accompanied by her scream as she pushed herself away from the it. The crashing sound of breaking glass was deafening. She was stunned and panting. Through the corner of her eye, she caught a glimpse of a shadowed figure, silhouetted by a purple light faintly gleaming through a doorway.
It was Angel on the other side of the room, giving her a scowl over her antics.
"ANGEL!!! There you are!" Fluttershy screamed in relief.
Angel turned and hopped away. "Wait, please don't go!" Fluttershy cried. However, Angel ignored her, and continued hopping.
Fluttershy ran after Angel. He led her to an area that she had never seen before. The room was extremely big. There were glowing pools of water surrounding a broken throne. A mysterious, purple circle glowed, casting the room with ominous shadows, giving it an eerie feeling of wonder.
"What is this place?" Fluttershy's voice echoed throughout the throne room.
Angel started to pull on Fluttershy's forehoof. She looked down at him with a confused look.
"Why did you bring me here, Angel?" Fluttershy asked. Angel pointed at the circle. "Why are you pointing at that?" Fluttershy asked, shaking a bit. She began trotting towards the glowing object, which was growing ever brighter with each step that she took towards it. For some reason, her fears and worries seemed to drain out of her as she approached the mysterious circle. It was like a warm feeling was coming from the object. Her hooves began to move on their own, as she drew closer to the light. When she got close enough, she stretched her hoof out. Just before she could touch it, the circle glowed so bright that she backed off and then heard...
BOOM!!!
An explosion made of all the colors of the rainbow spread throughout the room. Fluttershy looked towards where the circle was. She stiffened from fear in response to what she saw. On the other side of the room there was something. No, not something, somepony. Standing there, as still as a statue, was a dark blue stallion, with a black mane. He had several large gashes cut into his body, each of them dripping blood of his shaking form. He was about three feet taller than she was. She could see he had a horn with numerous scratches. Astonishingly, he also had wings but the right one was bent, obviously broken . His cutie mark was a small black hole, with purple lightning protruding from it.
Fluttershy didn't know what to do. This pony needed her help, but what if he wanted to attack her. Why was he just standing there? Fluttershy's thoughts were interrupted by Angel, who was poking her, and pointing at the window. Fluttershy peeked outside. The storm was gone. Angel then pointed to the stallion who was still not moving.
"Um a-are y-y-you a-alright?" Fluttershy asked. Angel just face pawed himself.
The pony had apparently heard her, because after Fluttershy spoke, he opened his eyes to reveal that they were silver colored. He looked around the room, taking in his surroundings as if for the first time. He searched for the location of the voice that he had heard. His wiggled attempts looked as if he hadn't used his legs for some time. After looking around, his eyes finally settled on her.
"H-hello," he stuttered, his lip quivering, "w-what i-is y-y-your n-name?" He asked in a coarse and cracking voice.
"I-I a-am F-F-Fluttershy." She said, barely above a whisper. "A-and w-what i-i-is y-yours, if you don't m-mind me a-asking." She said, a little louder, hiding her terror.
"My n-name is... Surge!" The dark stallion said.
/end edit
In conclusion, it's not terrible. In fact, somewhere around halfway through, your writing got better... in both content and grammar. Never try to get to the next scene. It ruins the upcoming scene. If you scene is bad enough that you rush through it, you may be doing something wrong. Then again, everyone hates setup.
*stretch*
If it makes you feel better, i can already see errors in my own edit. Blaa. Carry on.
Just avoid the word 'said'. It is the bane of all writers.
4585812
Author, ignore this right here. "Said" is an invisible word. People won't notice it if you vary the dialogue with actions instead of "said". Avoiding "said" through usage of words like "chortled", "screamed", "breathed" is an awful idea.
4585860
It was generalized advice, mostly in relation to the word 'said' following a question, when the invisable word, readily at hand, is 'asked'.
It's definately an invisable word, but is less so when it's alone and followed by a noun on too many consecutive occasions.
Regardless, let's play the 'said' game, and pick a random passage from something with dialogue written near a proffesional level:
Chapter 17.1, in order of usage: a voice, Twilight rolled her eyes, Applejack stepped into view, Shawn replied, Pinkie added, AJ exclaimed, Twilight replied, she accused, Aegis cut in, She gaped in astonishment, Gilda rasped, Rainbow Dash piped in, the grizzled unicorn spoke up, she shouted, she sobbed...
And it goes on like that.
I stopped before i found the word 'said'. Who knows how deep that rabbit hole goes?
4585957
"Avoid said" is the worst kind of general advice because it gives the wrong impression to a young writer. They'll go out of their way and torturously avoid it through synonyms. You should really watch your phrasing.
Games are just that. Games. They prove nothing.
Said is perfectly fine.
thank you for the help.
i feel so stupid right now.
4586101
4586083
"it gives the wrong impression to a young writer. They'll go out of their way and torturously avoid it through synonyms."
That was the impression i was going for. I could say: "Buckle down and take your time," but this works better. You'll naturally fix errors, the longer you poke at a story. The flow will improve too. Author already seems to have fancy words and turns of phrase at his disposal, therefore it really is just placement, and maybe grammar, but not really.
Author's second half was better. He actually dropped the dull tone, and broke out a few flourishes.
Build up was nessisary, but rarely comes naturally imo.
The trick is to care about every part your the story, maybe? As far as i can tell, sending the author on a wild goose chase is perfect. The only one that can make it better is the author, so might as well make him dig into the story in search of semi-colons, and other mysterious nonsense.
If you have too much 'said', it generally means that you're not trying. Perhaps the magic isn't so much in avoiding 'said', as it is in considering other, equally viable words (or actions).
"Are you envisioning something that you havn't described, as the characters are speaking?"
And the inverse:
"Are you identifying which character is speaking, when it's obvious to the reader, for the sole purpose of filling that weird blank space at the end of a piece of dialogue?" (And could you imply who it is that is speaking, by having that character move as they speak? (Since it's natural for audience focus and perception to aimed at the speaker.))
OR
Be a jedi, and talk in vague riddles. The only thing that matters is that the author invests time. Sending him on a quest to add something after every line of dialoge IS the point.
I guess i'm saying... i expect epic Tolkien length after that intro. Why have you no deliver fan ficcy, rraawwr!
I was in a rush to get this out and I have never don something it before.
On the plus side my editors(Which are two close buddy's who aren't brony.) didn't know about that.
I liked the story, although some of the words were wrong, but I just ignored them
but on the other side, it was good, I liked it.
Is he a bad@ss alicorn who's Celestia's long lost brother and also Luna's lover?
If you understand the reference then you watch some weird sh!t.
6460813 I didn't get it, and no, they were all siblings. I was a crappy writer back then.
6460911
3:28
The rest is batsh!t crazy.
6461361 Wuat!?