A young girl is sent to Equestria and changed into Phoebe from Battleborn, and gets adopted by Celestia.
It's miserable for everyone...
Co-author: Frost The Wolf
ON HIATUS UNTIL GIVEN ASSISTANCE
In weirdest day, in strangest night, no bad mood shall escape my sight, let those who cry in lonely spite, beware my shippings, Bronyparasite's might!
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Nice to see this up and running! Can't wait to continue working on it!
Nice chapter, funny thing I played as phoebe couple rounds ago
7887152 I play Phoebe from time to time. But for me, I really like Shayne and Aurox.
please continue
Now this is a type of story I would like to see more often. Can you make a few displaced cameos because I haven't seen a good displaced cameo in a long time.
7887159 same here but my main is Montana
Unlike others i play battleborn on console and i do prefer the peacekeepers over the other factions. That said I find pheobe really damn cool as a character. Seeing her in a situation like this regardless of displaced or not just seems to really work. More so than one like mellka or gallia or heaven forbid reyna. I look forward to seeing what happens in the future who knows what kind monstrosity of insanity pheobe and twilight can come up with.
Ha! Nice one Marquis, although try catching him and skin him alive... Oh no, wait, that's Orendi's thing.
7887501 I don't prefer any on faction over the other, I like 1 character per faction pretty much. With two for the Rouges.
A little fast paced but not without its charms I approve good sir, have a mustache to go with your top hat
7887328 I haven't tried Montana yet, but I have been trying both Ghalt and Ernest
Overall, good start. But, as a suggestion, though you definitely have the right idea of describing the characters down, you should split it into chunks described through actions as they move around. Like say, running a hoof through his brown mustache, for an example of describing something of their appearance through an action.
I hope Phoebe's attitude toward Cadence changes over time. I personally don't watch the show much, but cadence does not deserved that kind of treatment... yet
I sense a rift beginning to form within Phoebe...Jealousy, Disgust and Anger towards Shinning-Armor, Cadence and Celestia.
I wonder how'll Phoebe will react to when she not only meets Nightmare, but finds out that Nightmare is Celestia's Corrupted Sister. Because like Phoebe, I Don't like it when some people or ponies keep secrets from everybody and to make it even worse, what will happen if Phoebe finds out that there was a Previous Student of Celestia before Twilight? I Can see History Repeating Itself with Celestia.
7888816 That's convenient. But what would happen should she meet other humans? That's gonna shatter her little world.
Okay, I'm going to suggest that you find yourself either an editor or something to help you spot grammatical errors, because, not even a paragraph in, you've already made a mistake. People will stop reading your story if you allow such mistakes to stay.
I don't have the best of feelings when it comes to what will happen in the future
Let's hope for the best, but prepare for the worst
Overall good, buuuut lots of parts that are put in bold that don't need to be.
Congrats on making it to the feature list XD
Awesome chapter my friend and I can't wait for the next upload for this story I'll be waiting my friend and keep me posted on the story thanks
7889340 What? I don't see it.
7889636 It's was on there around 11:45 I think, but I know I saw your story on the Feature list today
Awesome chapter my friend and I can't wait for the next upload for this story I'll be waiting my friend and keep me posted on the story thanks
7889242 That was an accident. Not sure how that happened. Damn Fimfic formatting
I like this story so far, but this chapter needs edited. What with the story randomly bolding and unbolding after the first half, plus the random < in there.
The worst thing though, is the pacing. The pacing of this chapter is really bad.
7890720 It's speeding through her life.
And the bold is a pain in the butt, because it just appeared until the thing once I transferred it.
Next chapter will be a bit slower hopefully.
7890951 I know it is speeding though her life, but what I mean is that in one paragraph you have her leave dinner, get changed, get an idea then execute it.
It's ok to speed through her life, but the writing itself seams rushed. I found the first chapter to be just fine. I don't want to sound offensive as I have no idea how old you are, but I found this chapter to be written like a high schooler would. Very excited and fast paste, but not going into details to make the story more believeable.
7891499 The way you say that sounds like you want to cut someone. And the thing with that scene was that I didn't know how to...
Well, write it without being rushed. I think I did it while I was sleep deprived. Depraved? Whatever, you get my point. I might edit it if I think I can find the time and a way to stretch it out.
Dunno though. But know that I'll try not to do it again.
7893427 Cut someone? Actually I was thinking add some more information. Like details of certain things. An example would be what happened during those five dat that caused Pheobe and Twilight to start calling each other LSBBB and BSBBB. As based off of their interactions at the beginning of this chapter, I get the impression that they were close, but not that close yet.
7893644 I was planning on doing a back-flash at some point
2 chapters in and I'm already hooked... damn you got some great writing skills bruh... I hope to see this continue into something great.
- Chúndù
7937416 Thank you!
7939795 no problem!
Just woke up and i learned that i made someone's day
That was great keep up the good work and see you next chapter
I searched for the character and I like your drawing more than the real character image. probably because of the hair.
Maybe the timeskip came to soon, I would have liked to see at least one or two chapter where they bond with each other before the timeskip. I would have complained about it anyway, but it would have looked a bit better.
So far it is really nice.
edit: I really like this one so far.
I have forgotten to post my comment that I had written while only reading half of the story so far, but I remember one big point.
"I would have prefered it, if there would have been at least 1-2 chaters, where we see how Phoebe maybe get's officially adopted and how they bond before just skipping to the next scene."
so...I'm not sure what to think of Cadance or Shining here, they don't seem really bad, but I somehow can understand Phoebe a bit. That and I just like it if Alicorns like Celestia, Cadance or even a Unicorn like Shining get some sort of Punishment for somehting bad or questionable they did, even if it was only Phoebe suprising them here. I don't hate them here yet, I think I enjoy it because of other stories where I really hated them.
I think I would enjoy a shipping where they are actually not together and both have a different partner again. I beilieve I somehow avoided most of the episode with Cadance and Shining and watched what I could find in the internet about it later, but in the show I'm not the biggest fan of them.
I mean I love Luna, but I don't exacty like how Luna or Cadance and Applejack use their "abilitys" in some stories.
Like a living lie detector Applejack, while I think it is more likely that she can only read ponies much better than others.
Luna sometimes invading a mind of a Human or a pony who doesn't want her to be there.
(yes she is the princess of the Night, but the main char or sad pony is the king of his own Mind, head and his own dream.)
I remember one or two stories where she even kind of forced the main char to start a relationship with Derpy, otherwise she would have broken some of his bones.
Cadance.....I believe my biggest problem with her was always if she could already say which ponies are destined to be together.
I prefer it if she can mostly say which ponies are "most likely" to habe a succesfull in having a healthy relationship.
I totally "love" the story where her cutiemark was more about finding a soulmate and the ponies just thinking it was about love and marrying because of that. I just don't like it if she is forcing the main char to act on his feelings for another one if it looks like he isn't sure about his feelings or doesn't want that. Yes I hate it if other characters are always able to manipulate the main char that much, that it looks they are only there to take the main char's hand and help him throught the story. (which sometimes looks like a rushed story).
Maybe I just don't like her playing with Destiny like that, even if you would consider it a good thing.
7888816 Suddenly I really enjoy the idea of Phoebe joining Luna and Sunset, having the same relationship with them that Twilight has with shining and Celestia. It doesn't have to be a big battle that happens between them, but it would be interessting to me, for Phoebe to join their side, to agree with how they see the things.
Sometimes I felt like Celestia is seeing everything only in the "harmony" way of things and Luna/Nightmare looked a bit more at the things like a Human would. I mean "grey" instead of "black" or "white".
8049525 I'm saving some things for later. There'll be a flashback at some point detailing things such as her first moments, I just couldn't... Well, think of a good transition in the first chapter.
I dislike Cadence is because she forces emotions. I'm 100% sure that she taught Twilight the "Want It, Need It" spell.
8050221 It is always good to see someone who shares my opinion.
Care to tell me more about Battleborn?
8081255 Think Overwatch, but goofier, crazier, and with more content. Also, it came a month before Overwatch, so it isn't a ripoff.
Seems to be getting worse for Phoebe. The Rift grew a bit larger between Her & Celestia, But it'll only get even bigger when she finds out who Nightmare-Moon really is.
It seems both Phoebe and Rarity are on good terms. But I Wonder what will happen should Rarity mention Blueblood's name before Phoebe & Marquis on the "Ticket Episode"?
8081328 Trust me... things are going to get crazier when Gilda comes... Let me tell you that
8081255 Perhaps this will be a good way to explain it
looking forward to more. like where this stor is going.
YAY not dead!
8081484 I took my time with this one. Plus there was that broken importer.
8081400 True... I'd ship AJ with Marquis just to f*ck with him!
Another cute chapter.^^
I'm not sure if that sentence made sense, it sounds like Phoebe was angry because Twilight was setting up Phoebes party and at the same time Twilight didn't wanted to stop working?
Why do I have the feeling that Marquise is going to mess up the whole scene with the summmer sun celebration? I feel like I would prefer Twilight and her to go alone.
Okay my fear was stupid again, this went along just fine and I actually thought it was funny for once how Marquise acted.
I would probably choose Fluttershy for some cute shy attempts to date Phoebe.
If it is done right though, then Rarity could be a nice choice too. I think you had the right idea about them.
I'm happy with both, but I think I vote for FLuttershy, it seems like a saver bet.
Why do I suddenly get the idea of Phoebe acting all high and mighty, Fluttershy calming her rage by being patted like a cat sitting in her lap? (random thought, and somehow cute.)
Just don't make Fluttershy a sudden expert in relationship, I'm thinking about the stupid sayin "always the quite once".
It only looks like that because they aren't used to "the quiet once", to actually act like "everyone else" if they feel comfortable.
Nice chapter.
Does anyone knows a longer story with Mrs. Harswinney, where she actually has some reason why she is acting the way she does?
8081501
I wanted to say that I don't see it happening, but then again maybe your Applejack doesn't really understand him being a robot and all that stuff.
Not sure who to ship? Didn't you just hint at a ship with Fluttershy in this chapter?
There. Shipping.
8082377 Nope. It's... Well... It's a potential shipping idea. Plus, really, Fluttershy blushes at weird points in the show.
8081894 Phoebe got mad at Spike for bringing it up. There's some backstory in that which I'll flesh out at a later point.
Fun chapter can't wait for more.