Big Daddy Mac

by Midnightshadow

Big Daddy Mac Doesn't Dash

Big Daddy Mac Doesn’t Dash

An MLP FiM ship-fic by Midnight Shadow

Disclaimer: If you don’t know what’s going on in this story, go ask your parents. Look both ways before crossing the street. Don’t make a face like that, it’ll stick if the wind changes.

***

Everything was perfect - things were always smooth down at the Prancing Pony Club, but tonight everything was extra fine. Big Daddy Mac had reserved the royal booth, he’d chased away the more bothersome clients downstairs (if they were lucky - nobody talked about the club, even less talked about the apple cellar) or upstairs. The lights had been turned down lower than before. The band was playing so laid back they were almost horizontal.

Mac looked around his club - he didn’t really run it so much as participate in it. It had really taken on a life of it’s own, with it’s thick, luxurious velvet curtains, plump cushions instead of seats, oak wooden floors, walls and ceilings, it just oozed sophistication - and so did Big Daddy Mac.

Tonight, a very special guest was coming. Mac loved all his customers, but this particular filly he had had his eye on for a long time. Once you were a member of the club, you could more or less come as you please - if you expected certain favours you had better be able to pay up or barter in kind and book in advance. When you weren’t, however, you had to be let in. If your pledge messed up, you were both out. This kept the riff-raff to a minimum, but also meant that relative few ponies even knew this place existed outside of rumour and scuttlebutt.

The door opened, and a hooded figure slinked in, “What is it with ponies and those hoods?” asked Mac rhetorically, “are they all going to the same place to get them?”

***

Time passes, as it does. Winter was wrapped up and spring came again, the weather grew wonderful and warm. Dash, however, was not feeling quite so good...almost the second after opening her eyes, as she had for most mornings lately, she found herself rushing to make an offering to the porcelein god.

“Food poisoning my feathers! I’m not sick, this isn’t any stomach bug I’ve ever heard of...”

Dash absently rubbed her stomach, she was getting fat, and yet she wasn’t eating more than usual...pegasus ponies needed a lot to eat to help keep their energy levels up for flying, and Dash was one of the more active ponies, “or at least I usually...usually am...oh no...”

Dash dropped her muzzle down the pan again. There was nothing left to give but her stomach tried anyway, “that’s it...I’m going to the doctors...well...to a doctor. Well to Twilight, she’ll know what to do, I hope...”

Dash stepped out of her cloud palace and waded towards...waded...Dash looked down, she was halfway into the cloud surrounding her home. With an effort, she pulled herself up but still found herself sinking. It didn’t get any better as she flapped her way very ungainly down to Ponyville, barely making the balcony of the library that Twilight Sparkle had relatively recently made her home. Distraught now, she hammered on the door, “Twilight! Twilight Sparkle! Open up! Open...”

The door was yanked open and Dash found herself clopping her friend right on the noggin. Twilights eyes spun around twice before she shook her head to clear them, “Rainbow Dash, what in Equestria is the problem at this time in the morning?”

“I’ve been feeling real sick lately, and, uh, it’s not getting any better and now this morning I could barely make it across the clouds...I think it’s something serious! You gotta help me...you just gotta!”

“You’ve been sick? And you almost fell through the clouds? How’s your flying?”

“Oh it’s just awful, I’m so sick I can barely fly! What could it be? And I’m getting so fat! I’m a fat fat fatty fatty fat fat and I hate it!”

“You’re fat?” asked Twilight, raising an eyebrow and peering at Dash’s undercarriage, “wait a minute...let me take a look at that...”

Twilight vanished into a room and returned a short while later with a headlamp on her brow and a stethoscope around her neck. She had a spatula in her mouth and a serious look in her eyes, “Dash, open wide and say ahh...that’s right, stick out your tongue...hmm, looks quite normal. Bad breath, phew, brush your teeth next time first...let’s listen to those lungs...”

Dash winced a little, despite her hair those things were cold, “I just don’t understand it, I’m getting so fat. Fat’s a bad thing for us pegasus! We can’t fly if we’re fat!”

“Hmm...well your heart sounds okay, good and strong - I’m not a doctor, you really should try-”

“Nuh-uh, you first, you’re my friend.”

“Well okay, I’m not really sure what I’m listening for but breathe in...out...that’s right...in...” Twilight moved down her friend’s flank. Finally she gave up and put her ear to the pony, and her eyes went wide. She put a hoof, very carefully, and waited...then she giggled, “oh goodness Dash, there’s something you’ve not been telling me...”

“What? What is it? Am I going to die? Am I going to go bald and have all my feathers fall out? I’m going to swell up like a giant balloon and be FatDash, aren’t I? Tell me...tell me how sick I am...how long have I got?”

“About six to nine months.”

Dash just stopped, her muzzle fell open - she stayed there for a good minute, just her muzzle working, “six months? To live?”

“Not quite...”

“Less??”

“No, silly...six months or so until your life changes forever...” Twilight leaned in closer to whisper, making appropriate hoof gestures and pointing, making shapes, explaining...the colour drained out of Dash’s face,

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M...?? OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH... what am I gonna tell...but I’m gonna have to...AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!”

***

Big Mac was packing. He knew this would come, he had his escape planned out - the club’s location a secret, bits stashed behind the old salt-lick, a fake passport behind the bathroom mirror...he was almost home free. Almost.

“BIIIGGG MAAACCCCC!!” Yelled AJ, running full-tilt to the barn, “YOU GET YOUR BIG FAT RED MISBEGOTTEN TWO-TIMIN’ NO-GOOD YELLOW-BELLIED TREACHEROUS HIDE OUT HERE LICKETY-SPIT THIS VERY SECOND OR SO HELP ME I WILL GELD YOU WERE YOU STAND!”

She was mad...Big Mac’s ears flattened against his head and his eyes widened, showing the whites, nowhere left to go...he was done for...

AJ found him in the barn, cowering under an old blanket. Big Mac was big enough that it barely covered his head. She harrumphed and blew a stray lock of hair out of her eyes and grabbed his tail by the teeth, pulling him out the door into the glaring, accusing, sunlight.

“You better git up this’ere second big brother and start yappin’ or so help me...Granny! Fetch tha brandin’ iron!”

“Li’l sister, I, uh...well...”

“Ah knew somethin’ was up! Ah knew it! Tarnation but ah knew it! T’aint nopony needs none o’his or her pay like you do! And what was you doin’ with it, huh? Livin’ it up like...like...”

“Nuh uh, AJ, can’t say as I was. I needed that money fair’n square, same as I earned it!”

“What for?”

“For t’alipony. I aint gonna be leavin’ no foal behind y’hear?”

“AN’ HOW MANY GOSH DARNED MISBEGOTTEN FOALS IS MY BIG DUMB BROTHER GONNA BE HAVIN’ NOW?” Shouted AJ, she shouted so hard her hat fell off. She picked it up and then threw it down again and all but stamped it flat.

“I, uh, well, ah, y’see...”

“YA DURNED KNOCKED UP DASH! WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY FER YERSELF?”

“Um...at least we know she aint no filly-fooler, huh?”

Applejack blinked, Dash (who had by now arrived with her friends despite her condition, almost in time to stop her friend setting-to her bigger brother) blanched and then blushed a deeper shade of red than Big Mac. Fluttershy was so traumatised she almost fainted...

“Oh boy,” said Apple Blossom, “you’re in sooooo much trouble now!”

“A-yyyyyyuuup!” said Dinky, she’d arrived moments ago with her pal Apple Blossom, but hadn’t missed the fun. Almost nopony in Ponyville had missed it.

AJ looked down at Dinky, then up and back at Mac, “Oh. My. Gosh. You didn’t!”

Comments

[Night Spinner]

Funny as hell... the only thing that bothers me about this fic is who dinky's mother would be if not derpy... since dinky's a unicorn the father would have to be one too right?

[Midnightshadow]

19120
Derpy is Dinky's mother, it's just being implied that Big Mac is his father... (yes, I know that takes liberties with the idea that an earth pony could sire a unicorn from a pegasus, but it's the rule of funny).

[Royal Brisk]

Is it bad that while reading this I can't help but hear in my head how it would sound if they were actually saying it? Granted it makes it all that much more funnier but still...

This is down right hilarious to read.

Soo... Big Mac Is a pimp. Crap. I liked big Mac. However the Mac and dash thing is adorable!!! KEEP IT UP!!

[Cloudhammer]

I nearly wet myself laughing so hard at this. Keep em coming Midnight

[PresentPerfect]

No idea why it took me so long to read this, but I find it highly amusing. :3 (You know there's a reading on YouTube, right?) Though I'd say the first fic is better overall, Rainbow Dash getting knocked up is somehow hilarious.

[Midnightshadow]

1324004
...THERE'S A READING ON YOUTUBE AND NOBODY TOLD ME?

[Midnightshadow]

1324004
oh lord, there is

[PresentPerfect]

1324132
Sadly, it's not very good. :B But I've also heard worse.

[The Yaoi Mistress]

so, when is the next chapter?

[KarmaDash]

I don't think Dinky is Macs baby, AJ is jumping to conclusions too fast