• Member Since 10th Sep, 2013
  • offline last seen July 2nd

Kifstopher


In the process of banging my head against the walls.

E

After a stressful day of rehearsing with the Ponytones, and having included Sweetie Belle in her practice, Rarity takes her sister out for some ice cream, but when an argument at the restaurant ensues, the two find themselves in a contest to eat a huge dessert called the Ice Cream Island Challenge.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 8 )

Okay, this is cute. :twilightsmile:

Just one minor issue: Your dialogue punctuation is almost right, in that you are ending characters' dialogue with commas instead of periods and treating dialogue-plus-dialogue-tag as a single sentence, which is exactly what you're supposed to do. (Yay! :yay: ) However:

"Thank you all for coming here today," She said, smiling to her friends, "and thank you, Sweetie Belle, for joining in."
"I want that, with extra sprinkles!" She cheerfully declared as Rarity wrapped her foreleg around her.

when you have dialogue followed by a dialogue tag, do not capitalize the first word outside the closing quote unless it's someone's name, or the pronoun "I" (which is always capital, of course). If it's a pronoun ("he", "she", etc.), or an attribution like "the waiter", it doesn't get capitalized:

"Thank you all for coming here today," she said, smiling to her friends, "and thank you, Sweetie Belle, for joining in."
"I want that, with extra sprinkles!" she cheerfully declared as Rarity wrapped her foreleg around her.

Aside from the lack of spacing, and other minor grammar issues, this was a rather, if you'll excuse the pun, "sweet" fic. :rainbowkiss:

4428073 Thank you, I always forget that part of grammar. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

"Smiles, everypony!" Mr. Cake called out. Rarity and Sweetie Belle glanced at each other, and made big goofy grins. "Say 'Fuzzy Pickles!'"

Was that an Earthbound reference at the end?

4431710 Yeah, I figured.

Also, gotta be honest, when I saw the title of this, my immediate thought was the second world of Kirby Adventure. Though somehow I doubt that that particular one was intentional...

4432244 Yeah, that was intentional as well.

Okay that was cute. :twilightsheepish:

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