Today is the third Friendaversary for Twilight. She goes to visit Fluttershy to celebrate. As she talks to Fluttershy, she realizes she doesn't know much about her. Twilight decides to ask Fluttershy about her life, to which Fluttershy tells her everything she can remember (since she is telling her story through flashbacks).
Warning, there is some slightly mature content in a part of the story (non-sexual).
I'm writing this because I want to take a shot at writing a Fluttershy's story fic. This is my opinion, so please be open minded.
Chapters (1)
A nice story, Rarityfan87.
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Thanks, I'm glad you liked it!
Poor Fluttershy
. I'm glad Rainbow helped her, but she never got to say goodbye to any of her parents, not properly, that must be horrible. I'm glad things got better and she was able to finally get rid of those thoughts and sleep peacefully.
A+ in almost all aspects of what makes a good sad, dark, slice of life story.
It came out wonderful. Between the emotional scenes, the mental stresses, the relatability of common life aspects, the depression, and the slow build to a much better uplifting ending was purely genuine.
Plus I really liked the ties to the canon and head canon intertwining that you invented for her back-story. Very unique.
Last but not least, I was really impressed with the closure and tying everything together towards the end making it a complete one-shot story.
I approve good sir!
Grammar : no mistakes from my memory.
Punctuation: yeah, there is but does not overshadow it
Plot: Cliche, sure. However, the description was really good that it makes me forget. And I usually end up reading these things. Made me cry a little, too.
Hm... I do feel horrible for Fluttershy I really do but why? Why in the name of God did she think it was a good idea to say "I don't love you dad," and think that there wasn't going to be reprecussions? Sure him dying hurt but in a really sad and sadistic sort of way.... it actually was kinda her fault. That being said I still like the story and I still love Fluttershy.
While this story has promise, I do believe it needs work.
One thing I noticed something off about some of the characterization. For example, Fluttershy's father. I don't think a loving father would actually think that his daughter didn't love him anymore just because she stopped spending time with him. Even though two months is a lot of time for the grieving process to happen, I think someone like Fluttershy's father would understand that their own daughter is too sad to spend time with him. It also seemed weird that he would two months to have this talk. I know he's mourning too, but has he really ignored his own daughter for two months? I'll assume he did try to comfort her, but the story he tells her seems better placed sooner. In fact, it would probably make sense to have that conversation within a couple days after her death. Also, I found the father's sudden turn to alcohol is bizarre and extreme. If you wanted to go down this route, then I would suggest you to have the fall happen gradually over a longer period of time.
Aside from that, there are smaller things that I found odd. Twilight seemed to be coercing Fluttershy into forcing out her past rather than encourage her to tell her friend. Princess or not, this seemed a little inappropriate for Twilight to do to a friend; especially someone as sensitive as Fluttershy. Also, the teacher seemed to wait a very long time to address Fluttershy's sadness to her directly. With the flow of narrative, it seems like Fluttershy went to school for over a month moping and only now was her teacher talking about it. Wouldn't it have happened sooner? If Fluttershy had waited over a month to even come to school, wouldn't she have investigated a little? These matters aren't stated when they should be. With that, I recommend you to be a little clearer in that sense.
Leading from this subject is the POV. If this is Fluttershy's memories, then have them in the first person. If you wanted to keep it in the third-person, however, then don't include the inner thoughts of other characters. How would Fluttershy know that her father doesn't think she loves him anymore? Have her learn his reasons for turning to alcohol through slurred comments that are spited from his mouth.
Another thing to fix is pacing. The story is very rushed and I feel like it needs to slow down in order for the audience to get enveloped in the story. A big factor to this is talking heads. Give your characters more to do while talking than just talking, but you don't just have to do that. You could also have your characters struggle more through words or provide detailed descriptions of their environment or actions in between lines of dialogue. This will give your story a much stronger emotional impact.
Lastly, there were several scene transitions that were hard to tell. For example, you cut from the father's story to a flashback of his mom comforting him. However there's no line break to indicate the separation. This could confuse the reader.
Overall, this story does need editing however I have faith that you can transform it into something great.
Oh my god that butt-fucking son of a bitch smacked that poor filly
I immediately thought of Fluttershy's dad as Frau from Austin Powers.
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I actually didn't think of that when I was writing that part.
4688346 Actual line
Scott: But I thought I was made in a lab...
Frau: Lies. All LIES!
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I was originally going to go for a sad ending, but as I was writing it, I thought that it would be too much since the rest of the story is hard to swallow at points. However I might release that ending as a bonus chapter.
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Oh, that will be very powerful if you decide to add the sad ending as a bonus chapter.
I think Twilight should have been a lot more compassionate but great story even though it was so sad.