Rarity gets turned into a dragon (baby dragon). Now she only trusts Spike and hides from anyone else.
Idea from beirirangu, requested by my awesome followers! :D
This story will have two endings.
Chapters (6)
Rarityfan87
Joined 21st Oct, 2012 ·
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Go on.
Keep going king of multi-endings.
This story feels a little rushed, and kind of flat, not bad for a beginning though...
I'm just going to guess that the amount of dragons in the vicinity somehow affected Twilight's magic.
not the direction I would've gone, but still pretty good
OMG.
I knew what was going to happen, and my heart was still pounding. Great job!
2268113
Thanks, glad you're enjoying the story!
2266740>>2267858
Thanks!
2266768
Would you believe it's the thirds version (as in two rough drafts and then the final copy)
There's some repetition and some grammar errors here and there as well as a feeling of the story being a little rushed. You have an excellent premise here, but it needs some cleaning up here. And I certainly hope one of these alternative endings is Spike ending up with Rarity.
I agree with, Go on. It' s hard to form an opinion quite yet. It certainly has potential as I feel they may have an overuse of Spike becomes a pony settings with this relationship. So to have that be the opposite is a bit more unique. I would like to see more before passing official judgement though.
2268978
Understandable. It is staying on the dragon route though.
We should be grateful enough that it is a dragon spell, instead of say, an 'orange' spell.
Anyway, I shall follow with interest.
You could see some ponies sitting in the park enjoying the sunlight, some were getting their shopping done today, some were playing sports, and the fillies were playing their little games. It was peaceful for everpony except for one librarian.
... You NEVER talk to the audience, ever! Unless it's second person, and even that has a very fine line.
Repetition, there was a lot. We get that Twilight want's to impress Celestia without being told it three different ways in one paragraph. Twilight doesn't refer to herself as “You can trust me Spike, as your sister/mother.” She might think of herself as such, but she doesn't just say it.
You always have great premises, but you kill them with the same problems every time. You need a editor, someone who;s going to kick your ass and tell you exactly what you're doing wrong and who suggest ways to fix it.
Perfect example,
Nice idea, I can't wait to read more of this.
Was it just me I think its. Rushed. And out of all of that I could only see them talking needs more dialogue I think ( I'm pretty sure it's called dialogue
not the smartest cookie)
And now that I came back to look at it, you have tense issues here and there as well.
This was the most advanced...
Huffy the magic dragon
"Resign" the peace treaty? That would mean some seriously bad news: no more peace between dragons and ponies. I think you meant, "renew."
*slow clap* The guy really knows how to open.
2275332
Thank you! I corrected the mistake.
In the end you should say Spike ran off in the direction Rarity ran off in.
Seems like you've cleaned this up nicely. It's quite a bit more pleasant to read now
3.bp.blogspot.com/-Gr02jd19mOU/Ti-lQFEdCCI/AAAAAAAAJf4/6lbDwgRHGmU/s320/Waiting...%2BWeds%2B2.jpg
Welcome back my king. Now can you take this off hiatus?
OMGosh I love this Chapter
As usual amazing work keep it up :D
2723742
Already done.
2723756
Thanks, I was worried people might not like this chapter.
2723742
Also what did you think of the chapter?
2723840 If they don't then they got a problem xD
2723852 It was excellent.
HUZZAH!!! I am so happy this is being continued
I know it's early in the story but I love it and can't wait for more 
until then keep up the excellent work and I am happy to hear life is cooling off for ya
was that a Spaceballs reference? and that was a bit extreme spike! lol
2728919 what are you talking about?
2728919
The ludacris speed, yes...
The other question... what?
2732452 2732230 spike writing in blood, that is a bit extreme
2732798
Oh. The reason I did that, because he had no quill and ink. And that was the only thing he could write with.
2732817 I figured, and I liked it lol, if you have to send a message and you got nothing what are you to do? sorry if I confused you!
2732824
I totally understand. It is extreme.
MOAR!
2813181
No worries, I'm working on it.
I'm really liking where this is going. The explanation is reasonable. I'm actually glad you made Rarity a baby dragon like Spike. A dragon of Rarity's age would not be much different from Spike considering there's about half a decade between them (although this means Spike won't be anywhere near Rarity's adult size once he reaches Rarity's age bar sudden growth spurt
).
If I have to give any criticism, is that there isn't much in the way of descriptive sentences between the dialogue. The dialogue is fine, don't bother adding anymore nor take away anything from it. But there's a noticeable lack of buildup for me with those descriptive breaks. I know what they say and can imagine them saying it (even baby dragon Rarity) but I do miss those little phrases that tell you that they turned their head or felt elation in the middle of the conversation to get a glimpse into their minds and desires.
For instance, from the prologue...
This was part of a much longer string of pure dialogue that could've been broken up with little descriptive garnish like:
The difference is noticeable and it adds some atmosphere to the conversation. I even spit the dialogue to let the reader know how willing Spike was to help Rarity. She notices this and tried to give him the impression that she didn't really know about his crush/love (there's a difference), even if she totally does, and that adds to the Sparity atmosphere this is supposed to have (that romance tag ain't just for show). Little things like this make the story come to life. What non-dialogue text you have is mostly action-oriented. That's needed but not always the best way to go since it can feel like they're narrating themselves, which for me sounds a bit unnatural. Take this exchange...
That last line could've been a smug, mental thought for Twilight instead of flat out spoken. Or it could be spoken but it needs that little description like 'said the smug unicorn, smiling at the successful implementation.' to make the dialogue more dynamic. I'm glad this exchange had some of it but could still be expanded to...
It gave light to the Spike-Twilight relationship dynamics. It gave Spike the will-do-anything-as-long-as-Rarity-is-involved characteristic and the smug, almost Chessmaster characteristic a well read character that Twilight often has.
As I said, I LIKE the story's skeleton, intention and events. I can fill in the blanks of their actions but doing so yourself get's your intentions across to the reader without the ambiguity, even if it is obvious.
2875159
Thanks for the comment, I appreciate it!
Now a little explanation on why I don't write in this style:
When I read a story and I see this, where most sentences have a little something at the end, it kills the mood for me. It's like the person is trying too hard to show that emotion going on. I prefer the subtle root myself. When I see that, I tend not to read the description after, I just read the dialog and skip the extra. But that's just me. I like to keep it short and sweet if I decide to do that, as you've seen in this story. To be honest I initially thought of taking some of it out, but decided not to.
Anyway that's my reasoning, hope it was a good explanation.
Again I'm glad you're enjoying the story.
I LOVE THIS CHAPTER AND CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT ONE!!!
Just one thing I noticed
Shouldn't it be hung herself
2876615
When you use hung, it's meant to be used like "I hung my coat." Hanged is the act of someone killing themselves.
2876615
Also... you'll just have to wait for the next chapter Wahahahahahaha!
2876413 My problem is that there was no mood or tension to begin with. I read fast too but I can't read their body language because there isn't any indication for me to refer to. It's more like they do stuff but it seems a bit stilted without the little breaks.
As someone who prefers to speak with as few words as possible without loss in accuracy, I find the non-verbal language to be more honest and telling than spoken words (you can deny infatuation but it's harder to suppress a blush). I have no problems with how the story is progressing at all (I am really anxious to how this will end) but I can't fully immerse myself into the world since I read rapid fast and I look for both dialogue (to know what's going on and you've covered that very well) AND subtle body language cues that are not replicable by spoken words alone.
I will skip flowery prose about how the morning is beautiful but will focus when I see that Rarity smiled at Spike's comment. It makes me stop trying to rush through as fast as I can process and slow down to think about how this subtle action might indicate later actions. If anything, I have to slow down my reading and fill in each missing subtle body language within the dialogue in here. I understand what's going on, just missing the how each character is taking reacting to things in a non-verbal way.
Not every piece of dialogue needs one but every so often, I need to know what the character is doing when they speak. How they say it is as important as what they say that's all. Maybe I'm just used to reading 3,000+ word chapters heck even 10,000+ ones but even then, I still pick 2-5 keywords from long winded paragraphs to better simulate the story in my mind. I don't read every single word of the line after the dialogue but there has to be something. I'm not a mind reader. At the very least, inner thoughts as the action unfolds every now and then.
2876766 Rarity whining type voice: Buuut Patriiick.
2877116
NO!
2876857
Well, I can compromise, next chapter I will put more and see what other people think. I do have a story with more description that I think you will enjoy. I really recommend you read it.
Here's the story.
Haha, I've finally got some free time on my hands so now I think it's high time to read some of your stories!