'Thoughts'
'Chris's Thoughts'
“Talking”
Pony Saga
Chapter 1: Crash Landing
A blinding flash of blue light shone in the sky above the green forest called the Everfree. When the light stopped it's bright assualt a black figure could be spotted falling down at rapid speeds, it attempts to grab onto the nearby tree branches to stop it's descent, but it couldn't and it hits the ground floor with a loud explosive-like sound.
That small being is a child, a human child if you were to look at him with just a glance. However this particular child is not fully human, he is only half of said species and the other half being an alien race called the saiyans, who are a warrior race of pre-planatary pirates before their own planet was destroyed by a trannical leader and doomed their species to extinction, or so he thought.
But this isn't about the saiyans, this story is about a small half human, half saiyan hybrid child called...
Ken Altarmore.
<Meanwhile>
At a cottage near the Everfree forest, a small sentient pony was feeding the chickens, this pony was no pony from the world we know. She was much smaller and had human intelligence, and She had wings.
Another pony near her, a fellow pegasis, was performing her aerial stunt moves near the cottage to show off to any idols she had in the future. However when that blinding flash of blue light appeared out of nowhere, the two ponies were temporary blinded and we forced to land on the ground to avoid crashing into anything. When the light cleared the two looked at each other in confusion, but before they could say anything a explosive sound was heard and they looked toward the Forest.
The blue one, the one who was performing the aerial stunts, spoke up in a tomboyish voice and attitude.
"What was that? Do you have any idea what that explosion was about Fluttershy?"
The yellow pony, now dubbed Fluttershy, opened her mouth to give out a barely audible voice.
"I don't know...But maybe we should stay here and-"
"Let's go check it out!" The blue pony interrupted. She grabbed Fluttershy and dragged her towards the sound of the explosion.
They open their wings and proceeded to fly towards it, and when they got to it, they landed at the edge of the crater, what they saw shocked them. The trees around the crater where the sound had occured were snapped in two, and some of the trees were bent and broken at numerous angles. Also the crater itself was was couple feet deep with smoke all around, making it impossible to view what could possibly had crashed.
"Rainbow Dash, m-m-maybe we should go back" But the dubbed blue pony, Rainbow Dash, ignored her worry and flew around the crater observing the destruction it had caused.
“Whoa, through It still could be cooler.” said Dash as she flew high to get a good look at the area.
“How is this des-destruction cool?" The shuttering Fluttershy was now trying to make herself smaller.
“Um...uh...oh hey look at that!” she said pointing to the middle of the crater, the smoke had cleared which revealed a sight that the nature caring Fluttershy gasped at.
Fluttershy let an “Eep!” out of her mouth as her mother animal instincts instantly took over for this strange creature, she flew down at her top speed with Dash cautiously flying behind. At the middle of the crater was a strange hairless monkey with a patch of black fur on its head and long brown fuzzy tail. It was also wearing clothes which were a purple shirt with blue jeans, and white flexable boots. The Creature was almost as long as Fluttershy but appeared young, very young.
“Rainbow it's hurt, help me bring it to my cottage.” Fluttershy said to Rainbow, She got her hoof around the 'monkey' to begin carrying it airborn.
“Yeah, ok, no problem.” Was blue pegasus's only reply, Rainbow picked up the 'monkey' on the opposite side of Fluttershy, and they slowly took off into the air. Flying over some of the debris as they appoached Fluttershy's cottage, Angel bunny, who is a white sentient bunny who aids in Fluttershy's caretaking work, opened the door for them as they proceeded to carry the unknown creature upstairs and lay it onto the bed. Fluttershy got her medkit and with Rainbow's help, took off most of the clothes that the creature was wearing. Folding them and placing them beneath the nightstand, Fluttershy then gasped when she saw the creature's body.
There was burn marks everywhere, along with cuts and bruises, and looking at one of the forehoo-forearms, it took alot of damage, she looked down at the tail and saw it have some cuts too. Getting the healing salve out of the kit, she rubbed the injures with her hooves, getting a few groans of pain from the poor thing.
Not knowing what to do Rainbow said. "Um, I'll go get Twilight! She know what it is no doubt!" with that Rainbow flew out of the cottage with great speed. Fluttershy in the meantime started making a sling around the creature's injured forehoof.
'Ugh...' Ken, the saiyan hybrid child, stood up in his mind-scape, which was a small grassland with few trees, flowers, and imaginary animals from earth's city parks. 'Hey Chris, where are you?'
'Right here' replied a figure, it was a tall thirty year old man who still looked in his twenties he had a brown monkey tail and is wearing a black Gi, and a white undershirt with the symbol 'turtle' on the front and 'Angel' on the back, and is also wearing weird white shoes with black markings. This person called Chris, was himself, a full-blooded saiyan who was sealed into Ken only two years ago.
'Oh there you are, Chris, can you tell me where we are?' Asked Ken, In his mind-scape, Ken wears a white Gi and black undershirt with no symbols as of yet. However his shoes were soft flexable white boots.
'Besides your mind-scape? I told you already, I can only see what you see, sense what you sense, as well has talk to you in your head and heal your wounds even faster then normal saiyans and humans, as well as a few other things since I was sealed within you.” replied Chris as he relayed the obviously said before information.
'Someones a little grumpy, did one of my imaginary squirrels take your food?' Ken chuckled, has he knew of a saiyan appetite. Now that his physical body was changed into a half-saiyan, after an accident that forced Chris to be sealed into Ken in order to survive the changing physics and energy of Ken's world, because he was transported from his own diminsion into Ken's.
'Meh, so anyway, we should be back in my world. Good news for you right? No more scientist to bother you day and night in order to conduct a 'physical test' on you, and you can finally have a family.' said Chris smiling and patting Ken on the back.
'I...I guess so, but where is here then?' Ken asked with a innocent face.
Chris sighed, crossing his arms he replied 'I don't know, but just in case something bad happened during our 'trip', don't talk to anyone or anything, instead use saiyan responds.'
A couple weeks before, Chris had taught Ken how to speak in saiyan responds, mostly out of boredom. Basically, he was to act like a domesticated pet would, with a slimmer of intelligence to show he was a bit smarter than your average monkey.
'Okay, now what do I do?' Ken said, apparently he viewed Chris as a big brother more then Chris realized.
'You could meditate like I do, it will give your body more rest and heal a bit faster, and with your half-saiyan blood and my Ki, your get better in no time. Oh and be sure not to talk when you awake has something or someone has now patched you up with bandages.'
'Really? Alright, I'll try to do that.' So Ken sat criss-crossed in his mind-scape and meditated like those of ancient chinese monks, through the young child didn't like meditating much.
'I knew I shouldn't had taken over Ken's body for that instant, I did a lot of damage to his body since it's untrained due to him trapped in that lab most of the time.' Chris whispered to himself as he procceeded to focus on healing Ken's injuries.
After a couple of hours since he's arrival, Ken slowly opened his eyes, his body still ached but he shrugged it off.
'Alright ken, here's the damage. Your left arm is broken, bruises cover most of your body, but the bruises should heal over in a couple of hours. Also there used to be cuts all over but most them healed over already, except for a cut in your tail, but that should heal over too, you also suffered some burns but someone helped you with those.' Chris explained in Ken's mind.
'Alright thanks!' Ken responded.
Using his enchanced saiyan senses, Ken could hear the sounds of talking downstairs, he then looked around. He was on a bed supported with wood, also there was one window and the surrounding house appeared made of wood as well. On a nightstand next to him lay a plate of 2 apples, some eggs, a glass of fruit punch, and...hay?
Using his good arm, he reached for the apple and took a bite out of it. His eyes burst wide open and his taste buds screamed with delight.
'This is the best tasting apple ever had!' even though Ken hadn't really tasted a apple in a year or two he never really forget what stuff taste like. However a thought suddenly appeared in his head.
'Wait a minute, what happened to the backpack?'
Downstairs...
“So I was like, showing off my super awesome cool moves to Fluttershy, then suddenly this bright light appears, and BOOM! This loud noise happened and we went to check what caused it, then there was like this big hole, like a crater. It looked cool, through I could be cooler. Anyway I saw something and pointed it out then Fluttershy flew over to this monkey thing in the crater and then we carried it here.” explained Dash.
“And I assume this monkey is now upstairs?” questioned a purple pony who had a horn on it's head, clearly a unicorn.
“Yes Twilight, its asleep, it was very hurt the poor thing.” Fluttershy replied.
“So...you mind if I go see it? If it's not a bother to you.” the dubbed Twilight said with a sparkle in her eyes for a chance to study a new species.
“Well...I don't see why not.” with that Fluttershy, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash, started heading up the stairs.
Upstairs...
Ken heard foot...no wait, thats a different sound. He quickly devoured his eggs, gulped down the juice. Then proceeded to fake his sleep has the three ponies entered the room. Twilight and Fluttershy noticed everything on the food plate was gone, with the exception of the hay had been eaten.
“Well it seems to have awoken recently...how peculiar, from what you said it should've been unconscious for it least a couple of days.” Twilight said as she pulled off the bed covers with her magic and looked over the strange creature.
Like everything Fluttershy described, it appeared male, had no fur coat with the exception of the fur on its head and tail. It also seemed young, like a filly. It's back legs appeared longer then its front which gives the expression that its bipedal.
Also it has 'hands' like those of her bipedal dragon assistent Spike, but with no claws...in fact the creature had no real physical defenses, but Twilight knew better then to judge by apperence. After all, there were testaments to that.
“I've never seen anything like it. I-” Twilight froze as Ken's eyes opened and met her own.
Oh my...
....... Alright. IM not that big of a DBZ fan... in fact, all i know comes from DBZ abridged. But im gonna try tracking anyway. try and keep it low on the DBZ reffrences... if ya can. I mean i know what a sayan is and their basic backstory, but none of like any deep charecter depth.
awsome story please more.
good story, maybe review your grammar here, it is to say the least horrid.
Hey, finally found the time to start reading your Saiyan story! To put it bluntly, you need a prereader bro!
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gluped down the juice.
And I never knew a tail could have a serious cut on it when tails are made of fur......
*A couple weeks before, Chris had taught Ken how to speak in saiyan responds. They were a series of animal and human baby grunts, groans, and small growls and such. It made that of seven year old Ken, when using the language, seem like he wasn't very smart. But at the same time appear that he was somewhat smart like a domesticated pet.*
bit on the nose don't you think?
It could still use the switch of flexable with flexible
Yer explainin too much. We (probably) know who the MLP characters are.
So,he's like the DBZ version of Naruto's furry friend?
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i am not the gratest fan of Dragonball, but i watched it a lot when i was younger and play it with my friend from time to time.
PS: Oh right^^ it has a great start, and if he really don´t talk at first, he finally does something i wanted a long time ago from other caracters...well sort of.
Geico save 15% or more on author insurance
5220501 Little more beat than a human heart beat
Always neat to see crossovers. However, this one could vastly benefit from an automated proofread. Sadly, if it hasn't been went through by this point, it probably won't ever. I'd eagerly read it if there weren't such distracting issues. As I can't get into the story for these reasons, I'm neither voting it up nor down.
Peace.
There is only one grammar mistake in chapter 1, Dash says "through". It is supposed to be "though".
About the overall feel of the first chapter though, it feels stiff and roughly written and the description of the characters feels too blocky, i can't properly descibe it. My point is, the chapter feels too blunt and to the point. The introduction of the saiyan's powers and capabilities feels rushed and the way it's typed feels 'formal', as if it were an essay report instead of a chapter.
Still good though, and i will read on in hopes that the quality improves.
I don't want to come off as snobby but, you've heard the term show don't tell right?
Do you want help updating this again? I can go through, edit this, and make wording suggestions and such.
I don't want to do that in the comments, though, and I have a feeling you wouldn't want that either. Do you have a Google Doc I could make suggestions on?
I edit for several other people, so it wouldn't really be a bother to me.
No pressure, though. I'm not irritated by errors or anything. Just if I like a story, I like to help out with it.
Well, considering some people mistake Freeza for a girl, that may not be inaccurate