Oozaru Saga
Chapter 13: Yep, a normal saiyan day
The young saiyan hybrid smiled before his eyes rolled back and he fainted from exhaustion, thankfully he was in Luna's hooves. Luna sighed, it had been a loooong night, despite the battle she still had a good amount of magic and she lifted up the boy with her telekinesis and walked toward the library.
Lyra and Twilight had been worried the entire battle, Twilight for ponyville's safety and the safety of Luna, and Lyra for her human child. When Kira arrived with that sleep gun, it only added to the worries of the two. However confusion came within their minds when she used the device on her future mate, brother, husband, whatever!
When Princess Luna came back with the child, she set the little human in front of Lyra. Kira came running towards Ken, when she stopped Lyra could see her face go slightly red before turning her head away from Ken.
'Did Kira just blush?' thought Lyra, she giggled mentally.
"Miss Sparkle, I regret that I must return to Cantorlot to discuss recent events with my sister. If you would kindly help Miss Heartstrings here with the human children it'll be much appreciated. Oh and word of advice." she leaned in to them "They can talk."
Both Twilight and Lyra's eyes widen and jaws drops, Kira was just as surprised and immediately spoke out.
"When..When did you out?" the cute girl voice making itself known for the first time to everypony.
"When your mate apologized to me...Kira." Luna replied grinning as Kira blushed at the sound of Ken as her 'mate'.
"He's not my mate! He's my twin brother." she yelled back before realizing she just yelled at a princess. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to yell."
"Apology accepted, child." The Princess of the night turned and flew off towards Cantorlot.
Both Lyra and Twilight turned to Kira, who was meddling her together as her head was down in shame. Lyra gave a large sigh as she picked up the unconsciousness Ken with her magic and started walking to the house, Kira started walking with her and then Lyra said.
"If you think your gonna get outta this easily, your sadly mistaken."
"D-Dang it WOAH!" Kira found herself lifted into the air by Twilight Sparkle's magic.
"Let's go Lyra."
In the darkest reaches of the Everfree forest, miles and miles away from Ponyville. A beast awakens from the destruction of a stray energy beam, it's head lifts up towards the town and starts moving its black scaled body towards it.
The Scaled beast walks slowly throughout the forest, the animals of the forest flee from it's path for the beast gives off an evil killing intent. One Manticore stood in it's way, the beast set it's dark red reptilian eyes upon the animal, before openings it mouth and releash a gush of blue fire. The Manticore's body burned as it's fur slowly burnt away and it died a slow painful death.
The beast continued on it's path, only days away from it's target.
'Ugh...What happened?'
'What happened? Oh nothing, you just had your first Oozaru transformation and fainted in exhaustion.'
Ken looked around to find himself in his mind-scape. However, unlike the usual training forest, there was also the house of Son Goku from the memories Ken had seen from Chris.
'Want to go inside? It'll be a couple of hours before you wake up again, then I can talk to you about some things.'
Ken nodded and the two went inside the Son house copy, in fact it was a copy down the finest detail. From the front door matt to Gohan's room. With a few extras such as a living room.
'Is this what you've been doing in your spare time?'
'Mostly, through I have been writing down some material that I could teach you and Kira.'
'But I can't read.' Ken replied, now sitting at the table inside the dining room.
'I'm pretty sure Lyra will fix that soon.' Chris laughed.
Ken tilted his head to the side before replying 'What do you mean by that?'
'Are you really that dense?' Chris sighed 'It's very likely that Lyra will put you two in school.'
Ken jaw dropped, and if it could, it would've dropped to the floor. 's..ss..school?'
The idea of school was in two parts, the first part is that he always heard from other kids that school was like a prison, forcing you to learn against your own will and eat terrible lunches. The second part was that school was a very social place and allowed him to make friends. But, could he and Kira really make friends with ponies their age?
'Earth to..oh wait...Chris to Ken, you still here?' Chris snapped his fingers in front of Ken.
'Huh what?'
'I know everything your thinking remember? Well, expect on really deep thoughts, but you don't have to go into thinking like in here Ken.' Chris smiled and rose from his chair and walked towards the television. 'I'm pretty sure, the school here is different then the schools on your Earth. Now then, I think I figure I'll show you some techniques you could use in the future.'
'Oh really? cool, so what are these techniques?' Ken rose from his chair and walked over to the couch in the living room which was located in front of the T.V.
Chris suddenly put on a serious face which made Ken worried. 'Chris? What's the matter?'
'Ken, if your sensing abilities were as good as mine, you'll be able to sense that energy coming toward Ponyville.'
'What!? What's coming towards Ponyville!?"
'It's too strong for you and Kira to handle..unless...you were to go Oozaru.'
'But I can't control that form! And I don't think Kira can either.' Ken started flailing his arms up and down in panic 'What are we suppose to do! I don't want Ponyville to be destroyed! I don't want to eat anypony! I don't want to-' BANG!
'Will you shut up and listen! Your going to be fine!' Chris yelled after hitting the back of Ken's head.
Ken rubbed the back of his head with his hands, weakly looking up at Chris.
'Listen, I'll think of a plan to control that form, now in the mean time...'
The Sun shined through the window, the light replacing the shadows as it sweeped through the room. It shone on Kira's face as she frowned when it reached her eyes. She slowly rose her arm over her eyes to block out the sun's rays.
'Oh sun, why do you shine so bright in the morning?' she thought as she slowly sat up and rubbed her eyes with her hands then proceeded to look at Ken's sleeping form.
'What happened last night...oh...uh-oh.' The events of last night rushed through her mind like a speeded up video tape.
When Kira, Lyra, and Twilight arrived at home. Lyra dressed Ken in his old clothes before lying him on top of the bed, Twilight seemed to glare at Kira who was both tired and ashamed. Tired because who wouldn't be after all day and night long, and ashamed as she thought she gotten both Ken and herself in trouble. Twilight told them both told Kira that she will be back tomorrow to get some answers before leaving. Lyra seemed tired as well and just said to go to bed, which Kira complied eagerly and fell asleep instantly.
With yesterday's events in mind, Kira had no doubt Twilight was going to keep her word. Not to mention the scientist have a chance to arrive again today, or tomorrow.
'Yep...when was any day normal?'
She sighed and looked at Ken's sleeping form, Lyra seemed gone, and Kira decided to do Ken a favor and let him sleep in. She got up and closed the blinders and then got some clothes that a pony named...Rarity? yea that's her name, made for the saiyan twins.
'Oh, this looks nice, and this too. Ugh, so many choice to wear today.' Kira, being the girl. Couldn't help but take a few minutes to decide what dress she was going to wear, before choosing a long purple dress that had flower designs in it. The dress was also specifically designed for Kira to allowed her tail to flow freely in the wind and walk normally.
'I wonder how Rarity even got my sizes in the first place?' She thought while bringing to clothes with her to the nearest bathroom in order to change privately.
She got dressed and looked herself in the mirror, before making a slight frown. Her hair was a MESS, Kira instinctively looked through the draws for a comb, finding one in a matter of seconds and combing her hair style to how it was when she was 'born' instead of the bed hair wreck she got when she awoke.
Looking into the mirror she gave a nod of approval. 'Much better, nice and short with a couple of jaggy edges here and there. Never was a fan for long girly hair anyhow.' Looking at her hair closely, she realized it was growing a bit. 'Might want to get a haircut soon, but do ponies have hair cut places here?'
Leaving the bathroom, she went downstairs to find only a note on the table...unfortunately, Kira can't read either. But it seems Lyra also made a small picture showing for both Kira and Ken to stay inside the house.
GROWL
The stomach of Kira rumbled for food, and Kira wasn't one to deny it!
'I wonder what moms got to eat in the kitchen? Kira eagerly skipped over to the Kitchen and started to browse through the pantry and fridge. She grabbed cereal and milk, frost-tarts, which seemed to be pop-tarts. A glass of orange juice, which she almost spilled, and finally some raw eggs.
"Uh...I just realized I don't know how to make eggs...or make these pop-tarts" Kira looked at the pop-tart box, it had instructions...for people who could read. 'OK, I now see the need to learn how to read, oh that rhymed hehe.' She saw a picture of a...device and she looked around and saw a similar device, it seems the pop-tarts go in it and you push down the button and after some time, they pop out! 'Ooh, so that's why there called POP-tarts.'
Needless to say, she did the process four times because the first three times, she burned the pop-tarts.
"FINALLY!
At least I know how to make pop-tarts now!" She then proceed to bite out of one. "Mm, strawberry flavored!"
Kira looked at the eggs she had, and decided she didn't want to go burning stuff again and put them back in the fridge. Thankfully, the lab Ken had been before arriving at Equestria served cereal to him time to time, so Kira knew how to make her cereal thanks to Ken's memories.
'Kira? Where are you?'
'Downstairs eating breakfast. I made a extra pop-tart if you want it!'
Ken came down the stairs and sat at the table with an extra bowl and plate, then proceeded to serve himself to cereal and pop-tart, after getting some juice of course.
"Today seems...normal." Ken said, chewing on a bit of pop-tart.
"Yea, Um Ken?" Kira questioned
"Yes sis?"
"Lyra...Twilight, and the Princesses, they know we can talk." She paused and then added "I'm sorry"
"It's not your fault Kira, Chris says they would've figured it out sooner of later."
"I guess so...How do you feel?"
"I feel ok, how did the Princess stop me?"
Kira froze for a split second, but replied. "Oh well...you see..."
And, that's a wrap. I just want to thank you all for all the support you guys have given me! *Sniff* It makes me feel so motivated and special *Sniff* Anyhow I'm sure some of you are wondering. "Why did you add the words Pony Saga in the first 11 Chapters, and Oozaru Saga in chapter 12 and 13?"
Well, I decided since DBZ is divided in Sagas I would divide Saiyan of Equestria into certain Sagas, usual indicating a new plot for that specific saga. Pony saga was, well the introduction Saga so to say.
BTW, do any of you know how pre-readers do their job? How do they pre-read unpublished chapters and correct my errors? Through I don't mind you guys correcting my errors, after all nobody is perfect and grammar tends to be a weakness of mine.
Your not the only one that seems to have grammar problem when writing.
Great chapter btw, keep em coming.
Holy shit, YES YES YES! It's finally here!!!!! I've been looking forward to this for a while now This is the only story I have reread period (and i've reread it 5 times), just for the fact that it is the CUTEST THING EVER!!!
Was playing Mass Effect 3 when I saw this and I immediately paused in the middle of a giant fight. I don't care what happens next in ME3, I just want to see how this turns out!
Oooooooh, so cute! Can't wait to see what happens next. 2 things though:
1) Are you going to let them go super saiyan sometime in the future? Hopin to see that and also the reaction on Lyra's (and any other pony's) face when they turn blonde. Also lookin forward to a hopefully epic fight where the 2 saiyan twins beat the shit out of that dragon (yes it's obvious cuz its scaly and breathes fire. Not sure what else in Equestria it COULD be)
2) Someone please tell him how to proofread his chapters, because they are just too good to have grammar mistakes in them.
Keep up the good work.
i was wondering when the next chapter would get here.... and there it is..... ooooo big scaly creature.
One Demand
MOAR!!!
oops... I mean just take your time
837636>>838684>>848717>>897812>>893399
The demands for moar chapters...it's...OVERWELMING
Must continue...typing!
This is a very nice story, however, there are a few issues I had with it, not counting the grammar/spelling problem. Your writing overall is fine in terms of description and storytelling, but my problems with it are more with the story itself, if that makes sense. Some plot points that bugged me:
For starters, you didn't give an explanation as to how or why Chris was "sealed" (to use the vague word from your summary of the story) inside Ken. Playing the part of the whole audience for a second here, I can safely say that you, as the author, want my interest, otherwise you wouldn't be writing this story. As a reader, I can only give you my interest if I care about these characters. As it is, all I know about Chris is that he's a Saiyan, and he's apparently a Z Fighter. I have no idea how old he is, what his personality is like, or any of the other information I need to like him as a character. I get bits and pieces from his dialog and interactions with Ken, but there's only so much to draw from. Not giving the audience this type of description, we're forced to fill in our own interpretations, and it makes it jarring if/when they display behavior outside of that. To you as the author, it makes sense, since you know the characters, but if you don't tell the readers that, it won't make sense to them. I'd understand if Chris weren't all that important, but as Ken's mentor, and not to mention the reason for all of this to be happening, he's kind of very important. I'm also assuming that him being a Z Fighter has some significance. I sincerely hope that it's not just a convenient way to explain how he knows about Ki and how to fight and all that. On the subject of backstory, you've told us how Chris got to Ken's world, but not how the two met. Ken also falls a bit flat, since his backstory isn't very defined either. We know he was locked in a research facility, but how? From the researcher's perspective, why were they interested in this boy? You've told us that it was because Chris made his blood half Saiyan, but how do they know that? The summary tells us he was an orphan, but what if i didn't read the summary? Little things like that go a long way to giving your audience sympathy for these characters because it lets us get to know them better and understand their situation more. It's basically the whole 'Show don't Tell' rule of writing.You can't just tell us to like the characters, you have to make us like them. I don't know how far ahead you've planned this, but the backstory problems can easily be remedied by having Chris or Ken explain it all to someone else (most likely the Princesses) once Chris' presence is revealed, and the other problems by giving Chris more personality from now on. It doesn't have to be all that much either. Just some tidbits here and there that make him more three dimensional. (Sidenote: I'm curious- is Chris a full blooded Saiyan or a half-blooded one?)
Second, The way you introduced Kira was a little jarring. I don't have a problem with Kira herself, the situation just felt way too forced. It felt like it was a flimsy excuse to have something you want to happen, happen. Many aspects of this introduction, by themselves, wouldn't really be jarring, but together they were a mess. To elaborate, let's break it down. First off, the timing of the event was horrible. Right as you were setting the flow for your story, you broke it and had to rebuild it with the manticore scene, which I would describe best as a 'rocky transition'. To emphasize my point, pretty much right after that, when your story found it's flow again, it got much better. I very much enjoyed pretty much everything from the princesses' arrival onwards. Next, the Ki blast mixing with the magic is a bit of an ass pull. I'd be willing to forgive it if it was the event that started the plot, and what I mean by that is that when writing a crossover, the two (or sometimes more) series being crossed aren't designed to mix, so readers can forgive an ass pull of an event that starts the whole thing, because the idea that the two worlds can even be crossed over is absurd to begin with. This also ties back into the timing thing. Since you've already established an absurd event that sent Ken and Chris to Equestria, following shortly after that, while readers are still accepting it, with something equally absurd becomes all the more jarring. You have to be very careful about that, since that can lose you readers (it almost did for me). Going back for a second, the fact that the two energies mixed at all seems pointless, not to mention it's contradicted later when Luna uses a blast of magic and it competed with Ken's Ki breath (it's called Chou Makouhou or, 'Super Demon Blast Cannon'). The spell was designed to clone someone/thing, and it was stated to be incomplete. It wouldn't be too hard to imagine that Ken being from another world, or having a second conscious in his head, or some other explanation caused the spell to fail in that particular fashion, so adding the Ki energy was largely redundant.
The best solution to these problems is, unfortunately, to go back and re-write it, but in this case, I don't think that would be needed if you didn't want to. There were other things I didn't quite like, or I found otherwise lackluster, but those were more little nitpicks than any major criticisms, and so aren't really worth mentioning. Overall, i think this is a very good first attempt at a fanfic. It's a little rough around the edges now, but with some polishing it could be great.
... wow I wrote a lot I just wanted to be thorough in my explanations
905411
Your were extremly helpful in your critism, I've had planned to go back and revise some chapters so that it would make sense but I couldn't figure out what were the major flaws (besides grammar of course). The backstory of Chris will come in time no doubt about that, and you guys/and gals will understand him more when the chapter is posted (not telling that it might be the Very next chapter or not). Through I will answear a two easy questions about Chris right now. He's roughly a year older than Goku during the Cell games, and he's a Full-blooded saiyan. little bit about his personalilty, its mostly like Future Gohan (if you watched him) He's constantly serious and cares much for his friends.
I totally agree on the way I introduced Kira was very jarring, at the time I was constantly questioning myself on how I would introduce her because she was a main character in the story plot. Through I am thinking of a good way to revise previous chapters so that they can be understood more and change some things in them so they still follow through in the future. As for backstory on Chris, I believe I might add a future chapter all about him.
And yes, you did write alot, and your explanations are fantastic. And I'm glad you forgive me for the asspull I did, and glad you understand that this is my first story. For these you get a moustache.
When I saw the ending I was like
" No! Please don't tell me this is the last chapter!"
-looks at chapter list-
"Nvm"