Ken was a human orphan, no parents, no siblings, no relatives. He was alone in a cruel world that want nothing to do with him, until the day a saiyan got sealed inside him, his body changing into that of a saiyan/human hybrid. From then Ken's life changed as he was brought into a science lab for the next two years of his life, treated as a specimen and scaring him mentally. His only comfort and friend being the saiyan sealed inside him.
All that changed, however, when he is transported to a mysterious world, a world called, Equestria.
Number of times Saiyan of Equestria got featured: 3 (12/30/2013, 8/?/2014, 11/21/2015)
This Story is divided into 'Sagas' like Dragon Ball Z. They are listed in order: Pony, Oozaru, Discord, EIOSES, Tournament. With Peaceful Intermissions between them.
Credit goes to Kisa122 (DeviantArt account) for Cover image. My first fan fiction, constructive criticism is appreciated. Warning: Slight elements of Gore, Tragedy, Dark, and mentions of sexual material (Not much really, just a few words. Doesn't break Teen Rating)
Oh my...
....... Alright. IM not that big of a DBZ fan... in fact, all i know comes from DBZ abridged. But im gonna try tracking anyway. try and keep it low on the DBZ reffrences... if ya can. I mean i know what a sayan is and their basic backstory, but none of like any deep charecter depth.
Changed bits and pieces in chpt one and correct some errors in it. Also if you guys see any grammar errors in this chpt. Feel free to point those out.
The princesses are here. Calling it.
liked it, though why did he just ignore the ponies and not say anything?
>>NotABrony
In chapter 1, Chris told him not to talk to anything or anyone. so he's acting like an animal to avoid many...many questions. So in highlight, he doesn't trust them to much.
that cute
ok... great story, love to see more action....... or just more chapter
607155
Now what kind of dbz crossover would it be without action?
first part ...neat
middle part .... i dawwed with the force of a thousand suns
end ..... Wat
aslo i wield the first
dawww..... oh i smell a fight
her name is kira
O.O
death note reference?
oh gawd not the lab coats, NOT THE LAB COATS!!!
OOOHHH GAAAWWD! NOT THE BUCKING LAB COATS!!
Not this again. FIGHT THE FEARS KIDS! NEVER GIVE UP!
RUN KEN RUN KIRA NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
673259>>673288>>673613>>675670
676831 Well Thank you. And have a happy time writing.
*wipes forehead* Longest Chapter yet! Had trouble trying to figure out how to do this one. But I think I did good.
you did excellent!!
......and now
sayin rampage!!!!
great ape time, this gun b guud
I wonder, Would Kira and the Princesses defeat the giant saiyan ape form or would they learn to cut the tail
Maybe have better grammar usage if you're going to write a story. You should really proofread these before submitting these. Constant errors....
Well... shit.
Yay, Oozaru time! Please treat the big ape well, those things get no respect...
I wonder if they'll ever learn where those traits really come from or how they'll react when he finally starts talking?
Ken: Hey Boyzilla! Boyzilla!!!!
Me: What?
Ken: Happy father's day
Me: Well thank you ken.
Kira: Yay! Happy father's day!
Me: To all you fathers out there Saiyan of Equestria wishes you a...
Ken and Kira: HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
My Reaction... for some reason throughout the chapter.
emotibot.net/pix/3112.png
update more
this is great
great
great
great
so the next chapter will be an explanation chapter right
GODDESS YES!!!!!
MOAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
please
MOAR PLZ MOAR!!! Dear sweet Celestia MOAR
nice, i knew there would be an epic fight with one of the princesses. cant wait to see if they will go super sayin and have a braw.
Your not the only one that seems to have grammar problem when writing.
Great chapter btw, keep em coming.
Was playing Mass Effect 3 when I saw this and I immediately paused in the middle of a giant fight. I don't care what happens next in ME3, I just want to see how this turns out!
Oooooooh, so cute!
Can't wait to see what happens next. 2 things though:
1) Are you going to let them go super saiyan sometime in the future? Hopin to see that and also the reaction on Lyra's (and any other pony's) face when they turn blonde.
Also lookin forward to a hopefully epic fight where the 2 saiyan twins beat the shit out of that dragon (yes it's obvious cuz its scaly and breathes fire. Not sure what else in Equestria it COULD be)
2) Someone please tell him how to proofread his chapters, because they are just too good to have grammar mistakes in them.
Keep up the good work.
Luna is a motha fuckin boss... 2 MUCH SWAGGER
i was wondering when the next chapter would get here.... and there it is..... ooooo big scaly creature.
One Demand
MOAR!!!
oops...
I mean just take your time
837636>>838684>>848717>>897812>>893399
The demands for moar chapters...it's...OVERWELMING
Must continue...typing!
This is a very nice story, however, there are a few issues I had with it, not counting the grammar/spelling problem. Your writing overall is fine in terms of description and storytelling, but my problems with it are more with the story itself, if that makes sense. Some plot points that bugged me:
For starters, you didn't give an explanation as to how or why Chris was "sealed" (to use the vague word from your summary of the story) inside Ken. Playing the part of the whole audience for a second here, I can safely say that you, as the author, want my interest, otherwise you wouldn't be writing this story. As a reader, I can only give you my interest if I care about these characters. As it is, all I know about Chris is that he's a Saiyan, and he's apparently a Z Fighter. I have no idea how old he is, what his personality is like, or any of the other information I need to like him as a character. I get bits and pieces from his dialog and interactions with Ken, but there's only so much to draw from. Not giving the audience this type of description, we're forced to fill in our own interpretations, and it makes it jarring if/when they display behavior outside of that. To you as the author, it makes sense, since you know the characters, but if you don't tell the readers that, it won't make sense to them. I'd understand if Chris weren't all that important, but as Ken's mentor, and not to mention the reason for all of this to be happening, he's kind of very important. I'm also assuming that him being a Z Fighter has some significance. I sincerely hope that it's not just a convenient way to explain how he knows about Ki and how to fight and all that. On the subject of backstory, you've told us how Chris got to Ken's world, but not how the two met. Ken also falls a bit flat, since his backstory isn't very defined either. We know he was locked in a research facility, but how? From the researcher's perspective, why were they interested in this boy? You've told us that it was because Chris made his blood half Saiyan, but how do they know that? The summary tells us he was an orphan, but what if i didn't read the summary? Little things like that go a long way to giving your audience sympathy for these characters because it lets us get to know them better and understand their situation more. It's basically the whole 'Show don't Tell' rule of writing.You can't just tell us to like the characters, you have to make us like them. I don't know how far ahead you've planned this, but the backstory problems can easily be remedied by having Chris or Ken explain it all to someone else (most likely the Princesses) once Chris' presence is revealed, and the other problems by giving Chris more personality from now on. It doesn't have to be all that much either. Just some tidbits here and there that make him more three dimensional. (Sidenote: I'm curious- is Chris a full blooded Saiyan or a half-blooded one?)
Second, The way you introduced Kira was a little jarring. I don't have a problem with Kira herself, the situation just felt way too forced. It felt like it was a flimsy excuse to have something you want to happen, happen. Many aspects of this introduction, by themselves, wouldn't really be jarring, but together they were a mess. To elaborate, let's break it down. First off, the timing of the event was horrible. Right as you were setting the flow for your story, you broke it and had to rebuild it with the manticore scene, which I would describe best as a 'rocky transition'. To emphasize my point, pretty much right after that, when your story found it's flow again, it got much better. I very much enjoyed pretty much everything from the princesses' arrival onwards. Next, the Ki blast mixing with the magic is a bit of an ass pull. I'd be willing to forgive it if it was the event that started the plot, and what I mean by that is that when writing a crossover, the two (or sometimes more) series being crossed aren't designed to mix, so readers can forgive an ass pull of an event that starts the whole thing, because the idea that the two worlds can even be crossed over is absurd to begin with. This also ties back into the timing thing. Since you've already established an absurd event that sent Ken and Chris to Equestria, following shortly after that, while readers are still accepting it, with something equally absurd becomes all the more jarring. You have to be very careful about that, since that can lose you readers (it almost did for me). Going back for a second, the fact that the two energies mixed at all seems pointless, not to mention it's contradicted later when Luna uses a blast of magic and it competed with Ken's Ki breath (it's called Chou Makouhou or, 'Super Demon Blast Cannon'). The spell was designed to clone someone/thing, and it was stated to be incomplete. It wouldn't be too hard to imagine that Ken being from another world, or having a second conscious in his head, or some other explanation caused the spell to fail in that particular fashion, so adding the Ki energy was largely redundant.
The best solution to these problems is, unfortunately, to go back and re-write it, but in this case, I don't think that would be needed if you didn't want to. There were other things I didn't quite like, or I found otherwise lackluster, but those were more little nitpicks than any major criticisms, and so aren't really worth mentioning. Overall, i think this is a very good first attempt at a fanfic. It's a little rough around the edges now, but with some polishing it could be great.
... wow I wrote a lot
I just wanted to be thorough in my explanations
905411
Your were extremly helpful in your critism, I've had planned to go back and revise some chapters so that it would make sense but I couldn't figure out what were the major flaws (besides grammar of course). The backstory of Chris will come in time no doubt about that, and you guys/and gals will understand him more when the chapter is posted (not telling that it might be the Very next chapter or not). Through I will answear a two easy questions about Chris right now. He's roughly a year older than Goku during the Cell games, and he's a Full-blooded saiyan. little bit about his personalilty, its mostly like Future Gohan (if you watched him) He's constantly serious and cares much for his friends.
I totally agree on the way I introduced Kira was very jarring, at the time I was constantly questioning myself on how I would introduce her because she was a main character in the story plot. Through I am thinking of a good way to revise previous chapters so that they can be understood more and change some things in them so they still follow through in the future. As for backstory on Chris, I believe I might add a future chapter all about him.
And yes, you did write alot, and your explanations are fantastic. And I'm glad you forgive me for the asspull I did, and glad you understand that this is my first story. For these you get a moustache.
I know it's a short chapter, But every now and then there has to be a short chapter. It's kinda how the universe works (don't ask me why)
at the begining when they asked chris what they were learning today I thought is said christ
a breeding program??? Thats not right.
Forcing brother and sister to mate?! That's f----n sick. They are twins no less. Now I hate white lab coats.
Then they get sick because for some reason they are part dog :\
Bon-bon a sucker.