• Member Since 12th Mar, 2014
  • offline last seen Jul 26th, 2015

OC Beats


I have had little stupid ideas for short, or long, fanfics. I know my stories won't be the best, but hey, I have fun writting them. Now I do tend to stall sometimes. So please be patient. Thanks you.

T
Source

A stallion who tries to be the bad guy, spends all his time trying and failing to succeed. He tries to do bad deeds but when he does, it makes things better than before and it drives him crazy and mad! He goes as far as to kidnap Princess Celestia, but somehow he messes that up. See how this stallion struggles through his pitiful life.

A big thank you and shout out to the author who helped me and gave me the idea, Follow Focus.. Thank you Follow Focus!

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 20 )

The description for this story has got to be one of the funniest I've ever read LOL

Hey! You actual did this! :D *Claps slowly* I like what you've done with the concept! And the fact that you're adding Berry Punch too! That's an interesting combination there!

Oh, i can sympathize. Whenever i'm playing a game (especially those with the whole moral system, e.g. Jade Empire, Fable, Infamous, etc.) even if i try to be Evil, i just... CAN'T! :fluttershyouch: its like there's something in my psyche that keeps me from doing it! :twilightangry2:
Now in games like Overlord, where your choice is destructive or manipulative, however... :ajsmug:

YB

This is definitely a good concept. The first half of the story is good, but after the short talk it's, um, out of place. I mean, it happens all of a sudden, and there is very little to no time to build up the atmosphere, etc. It's like there should be a time gap between the two scenes, and yet there is nothing, I don't even think I noticed the passage where they get out of the bar.

That's a good story in the sense that it seems original (to me, at least; it probably isn't completely new, but I've never read something like this before), quite well executed, and your writing is more than decent. Your title and description were really catchy, too :p
But it's way too fast paced, especially in the end, and there is no proper separation between the scenes. In my humble opinion, you should at least respect unities of time and place and emphasize a temporal or spacial shift with a few line feeds or an horizontal bar.
Also, there is this show vs tell issue, not usually a problem but in some cases it can get really irritating, like here:

His cutie mark was a yin yang symbol representing good vs. evil. So no matter what bad deed he does, the symbol turns it around and makes it better.

or this:

He came in here often, so the bartender knew what he wanted.

You could have easily solved that using a bit of dialog, like I dunno, he walks in, the bartender says something like "Oh hai, Jimmy" and he replies "As usual, Jonny" and the bartender quickly throws him a drink of whatever. The point is, you shouldn't tell things, especially when you can actually show them.
Also, there are some missing spaces between periods and the following letter sometimes in the beginning.


I'm not going to upvote this (yet) because it still has quite a lot of flaws and a huge lack of content -- I can't properly judge your story with only a thousand words :p
But I'm keeping track of this, hoping you have things planned ahead, and hoping that you can get better. Your story definitely has potential, and I'd love to see how it turns out.

Also, do you have an editor? :rainbowwild:

Keep calm and carry on :3

tl;dr: Interesting but not worth an upvote yet, keeping track :twilightsmile:

Edit: Oh by the way, you might want to change your cover art. I know it's probably going to be hard to find one that fits your story, but the current one is, let's say, unattractive. I mean, it's not exactly the kind of picture that attracts your eye and keeps your attention.

Oh my god please tell me that is not his name this is crazy to danm perfect lol

4260386
:rainbowlaugh: Took me forever to come up with that! LOL

4260431 please tell me there will be moreof dumbfound luck. :rainbowlaugh:

I await more...

My creative flow (the hobo tied up in my attic) is working again because of you. Thank you.

And good luck trying to be evil, Dumbfound Luck, "Once you go bad, you never go back, baby!"

~AnimatedGamer

i thought this was pretty funny i think you should do a sequel when he ends up talking to discord who tells him if doing bad becomes good then he should do good so it becomes bad because with with this concept he would become the greatest villain

4260466
Really?:rainbowderp: :pinkiegasp::derpyderp2: You like Dumbfound? Wow! Well, if people like him, then maybe. Yeah, I can make more in the near future. Give him cameos in other stories! Glad you like him! Thank you! :pinkiehappy:

4260818 :rainbowderp:Oh... my... CELESTIA! That would be cool! I might do something like that! To be honest, I never planned on making a sequel. I will have to get Bloody Conflictions kind of done with a new chapter and the other ideas clopping in my head out here. (Not clop fics. Ignore I said clopping:facehoof:) It will be a while before I can do the sequel though. Thank you!

4264988
OK! WOW! I would love to make more. Also, if you don't mind, give this author a like or two. :raritywink::raritywink: 4217474 (Follow Focus helped me with this and gave me the idea for this story)

YB

:rainbowderp:
:rainbowkiss:
:rainbowlaugh:

Got to admit, I sure didn't expect this. That was worth the wait, have an upvote :pinkiehappy:

Short, poor sentence structure, WAY too rushed, very very short, but yet. . . . but yet. . . . . the concept and idea was SOOOOOO amazing that it actually over rides EVERYTHING! :pinkiehappy: I was hating it at first thinking "This is soooo poor, I mean what the hell?! :twilightangry2: " but then after I finished it, I was like " :rainbowderp: whoa!" I was a little bumbstruct. If you improved your writing style (Like, a lot) I can see you getting onto Equestria daily with this story concept, I mean it! :ajsmug: Not trying to insult, just trying to help you improve, because with this. . . I strongly believe you can make it to Equestria Daily. This is a large diamond, just covered in dirt, mud, dust, and needs to be trimmed down so it can shine beautifully! :twilightsmile: after all of this, I still favorited and liked it

4336193 :pinkiehappy: Thank you for reading it! I know it was a bit rushed, but it was a random and one shoter. Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the complement!:derpytongue2:

4336737 no compliment, it is the truth. I mean it, work on homing you skills and this concept will take you to Equestria Daily, I am sure of it :twilightsmile:

Well if everything he tries to do bad ends up good, just try to do something good and it will end up bad.

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