"Let's hear it for Equestria's newest hero!" Celestia said, pointing a hoof to the stallion next to her. The unicorn just stood there, ashamed of himself for letting this happen. He never wanted this. How could this have happened? He thought he did everything right this time. He frowned and looked down. Celestia continued, "I would like to personally thank him for his bravery and heroism." She looked to him. "That's why I here by dedicate this statue in your honor!" She pulled the curtain off the large statue behind them. All the ponies in the crowd cheered and stomped their hooves. He felt sick, and seeing the statue only made him worse. He wanted to vomit. He wanted to leave and pretend this all never happened.The only thing that was running through his mind, was how this could have happened. How?
He looked around, trying to find something to either ruin or steal. He spotted an apple cart near him with no pony guarding it. "Perfect." he said to himself. He took one more look around and made his move. He walked up to the apple cart and took an apple. He kept looking around to make sure no pony saw him. He let out a slight chuckle knowing he had gotten away with his deed. Out of nowhere, his hoof fell into a hole and he fell to the ground. The apple flew out of his hoof and hit a sign hanging on the building next to him. He quickly ran to grab the apple before anyone could see him. When he got the apple, he heard a slight snapping sound. He looked up, and the chain holding the sign broke. He quickly used his magic to catch it and set it aside. If no one knew he was there before, they knew now. He looked at the crowd, trying to think of an explanation. Before he could speak, they started to cheer.
"He's a hero!" One mare called out.
"He totally saved her." Another said.
"That was pretty brave dude!" A stallion said to him. Confused, he looked next to him to see a little filly with wide eyes. He then realized what he did. Not only did he just draw attention to him, he saved a life. The exact opposite of what he wanted to do today. With the crowd moving in closer, he freaked out and teleported to the nearest park. He took a look around to see if the coast was clear. He slumped down on the tree he was next to and groaned in anger.
"Dammit!" he yelled. "Why is it that every bad deed I try to do, somehow ends up being good?" He looked down and sighed. "I guess my parents were right. No matter what I do, things will turn out better than planned." He looked at his cutie mark and frowned. His cutie mark was a yin yang symbol representing good vs. evil. So no matter what bad deed he does, the symbol turns it around and makes it better. He thought of all the failed attempts to beat this unknown magic. "Damn thing!" he said in frustration. He sighed and got up. He looked around before making his way back into town.
He made his way to the local bar. When he walked in, the bartender greeted him with a friendly nod. He came in here often, so the bartender knew what he wanted. He gave him his drink and walked away. The unicorn looked around the bar at all of the drunken ponies who had wasted their weeks pay on their drinks. He looked down and sighed.
"You seem down buddy. You alright?" said a voice next to him. He looked over and was greeted by a smile from the purple and magenta pony.
"Yeah, so what if I am? Who cares?" he said taking a sip of his drink.
"Well, maybe I care." she said narrowing her eyes at him. She moved a seat closer to him. "Now tell me, what's got you so down?" He told her everything and when he finished, she looked at him with wide eyes. She thought for a moment before saying something. "So, wait... Your cutie mark stops you from doing bad things?"
"Yep."
"And you still do bad deeds any way so you can see if you can beat the magic?"
"Yep."
"And anything you do doesn't make things worse, but better?" He took a long sip of his drink before answering.
"Yep." She thought for a moment.
"Why don't you kidnap a filly or something?" He nearly choked on his drink after hearing that.
"Because I'm not some kind of fucking sick pedo! Geez lady, what's wrong with you?" She began laughing. His anger soon diminished and he started laughing too. While laughing, he saw her fall off her stool. "Oh my god! You OK?"
"Yeah, I'm just a little tipsy. That's all. I don't think I can make it home." she said holding her head. "If you don't mind... If you can help back home?" She gave him a devious grin. He knew what she was saying and agreed without hesitation.
"Sure... uh, what's your name?"
"Berry. Berry Punch." she said, struggling to stand. She put an arm around his shoulder and they made their way to Berry's house. She opened the door and guided him inside. She sat him down on the couch and wobbled over to a cupboard. He couldn't help but stare at the mare's flank. Watching it bounce and sway, while she hummed a tune. She turned around and set a plate on the coffee table in front of them. On the plate were two shot glasses and some very strong vodka. She poured him a drink, as well as one for her. This process went on for several hours until the bottle was empty. She leaned over to him and whispered in a seductive tone, "You wanna take this party to my room?" Without hesitation, the drunken pony got up and pulled her off the couch. The two fell on top of eachother and landed with a thud. They laughed and looked into each other's eyes. Berry grew impatient and went in for the kiss. Slowly, but surly, the sweet, slow and smooth kisses became more rough and violent, with her nibbling on his neck every so often. Without leaving each other's lips, they made their way to her room, bumping the table and hitting the walls. He placed her on her bed and turned to close the door. After the door was closed and locked, he put on a dominating smile and walked to the drunk mare who was waiting for him.
The description for this story has got to be one of the funniest I've ever read LOL
Hey! You actual did this! :D *Claps slowly* I like what you've done with the concept! And the fact that you're adding Berry Punch too! That's an interesting combination there!
Oh, i can sympathize. Whenever i'm playing a game (especially those with the whole moral system, e.g. Jade Empire, Fable, Infamous, etc.) even if i try to be Evil, i just... CAN'T! its like there's something in my psyche that keeps me from doing it!
Now in games like Overlord, where your choice is destructive or manipulative, however...
This is definitely a good concept. The first half of the story is good, but after the short talk it's, um, out of place. I mean, it happens all of a sudden, and there is very little to no time to build up the atmosphere, etc. It's like there should be a time gap between the two scenes, and yet there is nothing, I don't even think I noticed the passage where they get out of the bar.
That's a good story in the sense that it seems original (to me, at least; it probably isn't completely new, but I've never read something like this before), quite well executed, and your writing is more than decent. Your title and description were really catchy, too :p
But it's way too fast paced, especially in the end, and there is no proper separation between the scenes. In my humble opinion, you should at least respect unities of time and place and emphasize a temporal or spacial shift with a few line feeds or an horizontal bar.
Also, there is this show vs tell issue, not usually a problem but in some cases it can get really irritating, like here:
or this:
You could have easily solved that using a bit of dialog, like I dunno, he walks in, the bartender says something like "Oh hai, Jimmy" and he replies "As usual, Jonny" and the bartender quickly throws him a drink of whatever. The point is, you shouldn't tell things, especially when you can actually show them.
Also, there are some missing spaces between periods and the following letter sometimes in the beginning.
I'm not going to upvote this (yet) because it still has quite a lot of flaws and a huge lack of content -- I can't properly judge your story with only a thousand words :p
But I'm keeping track of this, hoping you have things planned ahead, and hoping that you can get better. Your story definitely has potential, and I'd love to see how it turns out.
Also, do you have an editor?
Keep calm and carry on :3
tl;dr: Interesting but not worth an upvote yet, keeping track
Edit: Oh by the way, you might want to change your cover art. I know it's probably going to be hard to find one that fits your story, but the current one is, let's say, unattractive. I mean, it's not exactly the kind of picture that attracts your eye and keeps your attention.