• Member Since 13th Nov, 2013
  • offline last seen October 22nd

Keeper of time RD


I'm a jackoftrades, pilot, hobby engineer, writer, philosopher of the creed: The truth is absolute & unchanging, so seek the truths that change for no one & you'll find the truths worth holding on to.

Sequels1

T

The cutie mark crusaders find a magic artifact that makes them live a day in each of their other friends bodies.

The crusaders then decide to have fun pretending to be each other, after all how much trouble can three best friends get into pretending to be each other?

Only problem is Scootaloo has secrets. Secrets she dares not share even with her best friends.


Tagging note: I don't consider this a pure adventure story as there are two distinct chains of events unfolding in this story. one is an adventure story the other is better described as a slice of life story. So fair warning, don't be surprised by the rather long interruptions to the adventure story stuff.

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 22 )

Haven't read this story yet, but the premise of it is reminding me of that one episode of Ed, Edd n Eddy where the Eds were playing Truth or Dare and they dared each other to act as another one of themselves.

4198247

I'll take your word for it that such an episode existed in Ed Edd and Eddy but I can't say that show ever made it past my five episode review with me. (I'm not terribly fond of shows with 'idiot heroes' so it really wasn't my cup of tea.)

You need to fix your dialogue tags, love. When you have a line of dialogue followed by who said it and how, the whole thing must be treated as a single sentence; you must end the character's dialogue with a comma, not a period, and you do not capitalize the first word outside the closing quote mark unless it's a name. (If the character's dialogue ends with a question or exclamation mark, you use those as usual, but still don't capitalize the next word after.)

In other words, do not do this:

“Thank you…? Huh didn’t even wait for a tip.The stallion who answered the door said to an empty hall when he opened the door expecting to find a bellhop but finding only the service cart with his order waiting.

“Stay out! I just got in the shower!” A male voice too gruff to even belong to a pony responded.

“Scootaloo, drop zone incoming.” Captain Cloud Wall said over the winds.

Do this:

“Thank you…? Huh didn’t even wait for a tip,the stallion who answered the door said to an empty hall when he opened the door expecting to find a bellhop but finding only the service cart with his order waiting.

“Stay out! I just got in the shower!” a male voice too gruff to even belong to a pony responded.

“Scootaloo, drop zone incoming,” Captain Cloud Wall said over the winds.

Only when the words that follow the dialogue are not a dialogue tag, but a separate action unrelated to the character speaking, do you end with a period.

Also, you have a lot of run-on sentences here. Break them up, and use a few extra commas.

Last: take another pass through it and really pay close attention to the spelling. You've got a lot of misused words here that a simple spellcheck won't flag, like:

with the downward trust from he wings

Remember, a spellchecker can only tell you if what you wrote is a word, it can't tell you if it's the right one. :twilightsheepish:

4198625
Thank you. this is exactly the kind of feedback I can use to improve my work. :scootangel:

save the last part, thanks for pointing out that error but I'm well aware of the uselessness of spell check in finding one letter errors that happen to make a different word. I'll do another pass and fix what I can but what's posted is what I came up with via four waves of searching for such errors already. :fluttershysad:

4199450
Here's a trick that might help: :twilightsmile:

backwards story whole the read yourself make and end the at Start. :applejackconfused: :pinkiehappy:

Artists often use a similar trick, of deliberately turning their drawings upside-down, to "break" the brain's pattern-recognition ability so they can see errors that are effectively invisible, when the drawing's right-side up, because the brain is too good at recognizing complete shapes and figures from incomplete data. :twilightoops: By reading the story backwards, it can help keep your brain from predicting what the next word "should" be, so you're more likely to see the word that really is there instead of the one your brain "knows" ought to be there. :twilightsmile:

Here's an example of breaking up the run-on sentences I mentioned:

Nodding pointlessly to the empty hotel room the young pegasus looked under the bed and spotted a suitcase just like the one she was carrying in her mouth.

This one sentence alone has three separate actions taking place in it (highlighted for clarity); without any commas to break it up, it's a mishmash. Break it up like so:

Nodding pointlessly to the empty hotel room, the young pegasus looked under the bed, and spotted a suitcase just like the one she was carrying in her mouth.

In fact... try writing this sort of thing more like this:

Nodding pointlessly to the empty hotel room, the young pegasus looked under the bed, and spotted where she found a suitcase just like the one she was carrying in her mouth. She ignored Ignoring the suitcase under the bed for the time being, and she set her own down next to the bed. She, then climbed up onto the bed and set her sights on the smoke detector on the ceiling above.

With a wing-boosted bounce, she reached it and clamped on to its sides with her hooves. It was a hard object to grasp, but with the downward thrust from her wings canceling out most of her weight, holding on to it was a manageable task. She used her mouth to open the battery compartment and yanked the battery out, then . Sticking stuck her muzzle into one of the pockets of her bellhop outfit she and pulled out another battery. Carefully, the filly pushed the battery into the slot in the smoke detector, and then looked over her hoofwork. With the exception of some small slits in its side, the new battery looked just like the one she’d dropped to the bed below.

Note the changes:
# "Wing-boosted" is what's called a compound adjective; two words acting together as a single description of the following noun. Whenever you have a compound like this, they need to be hyphenated. (You can tell when you have a compound, vs. two individual adjectives, by sticking "and" in between them and see if it still makes sense. "With a wing and boosted bounce" makes no sense, so "wing" and "boosted" can't each act alone on "bounce", so they're a compound. On the other hoof, something like "clad in radiant and golden armor" still works, so "radiant" and "golden" are both individual adjectives, not a compound.)

# Instead of "she did this" and "she did that", the actions are linked together in a way that makes the descriptions seem more "active" and shows the sequence of actions more clearly. Writing everything as a series of "she did this", "she then did that", "she then did something else", can get kind of dry and repetitive.

Hope that helps! :twilightsmile:

4199678

That does, it will take some time to implement but I'll do what I can as I continue to edit. thank you. :scootangel:

I don't normally comment on stories, but I thought I'd give you a nod and mention that I thought this idea has potential. However, I tried to read the first chapter and I couldn't get into it. I didn't know who was who for almost half the chapter. I re-read it and figured out that the first scene was, I think, supposed to be from Scootaloo's point of view.

Don't be afraid to use names to identify your ponies. I don't think that I saw a single proper name in the first scene. You need to give your readers a persona to latch onto or it's just words and actions with the occasional "adjective noun" describing who is doing the action. I know that an orange pegasus is probably Scootaloo; but I don't know that for certain. With the story premise that you have set up, it would have been more entertaining if that orange pegasus introduced herself in the first paragraph or two as Sweetie Belle or Apple Bloom, leaving the reader to wonder just what in the hay is going on and want to keep reading to find out.

Telling a story from an omniscient POV is possible, for short spans of story, but it should be just a short text describing something before dropping your reader into the character's thoughts.

If this helped you, I'm glad it did. If you have any questions, please feel free to reply or PM me.

I see what you did in the title, you sneaky bugga (Im Australian)


You rotated all of them to the left!

4200990

Sorry that the confusion bothered you, but I avoided outright identifying the young shadow ops agent on purpose throughout the first section. More or less as a means to help the sneaky feel of what was going on.

So yeah, you're meant to be a little unsure of who the bellhop is unless you know the charter well enough that you'd have guessed their identity had the reader been there to see her, just as her friends wouldn't have failed to know who she was just because of the outfit but a random stranger in the hotel would.

oMG!!!! loved it ya! you should make a sequel like one where like the bad guys that scootaloo fought as she was sweetie belle what if they went after sweetie belle and scootaloo, and her dad go to rescue her or something and the dad and cloud wall become friends again that would be sooo awesome and then like... scootaloo would be happy that she wouldn't have to hide her secret from her friends anymore that would be sooooooooo awesome!!!!

4247169

Wait, what, 'become friends again'? what did I write that made you think they stopped being friends? :rainbowhuh:

As far as the continuation of the double-life story line I had planed out more events even before I typed this story up... But I'd only really planed on writing up one more story heavily following this particular aspect of Scootaloo's life with the other events being merely referenced as past events from the camera's perspective.

And as fair warning I'm planing on getting some of my other stories written before I get to that one. So it might take a while before you see Scoots doing any more special ops stuff. :scootangel:

4248220 Oh ok still excited about it!! and cant wait to read it! :yay:

I loved the story! A few grammar problems I'm sure you're probably working on but either way, it wasn't hard to figure out which words you meant. Love to read a sequel if at all possible. Keep up the good work! :twilightsmile:

5269105

It's always nice to know when I entertained some one. :scootangel:

And thank you for letting me know there are still mistakes, and sorry for the slow response, I wanted to wait until I had more time, I managed to fit another quick pass of error correction in, and I'll do a another real pass once I have the time. Thank you.

Okay, I finally found the time to do another full pass of error correction. And yeah... I feel dumb now, as I managed to find an average of four mistakes per chapter to fix despite how many passes of error correction I've done in the past. :unsuresweetie: So... yeah if anyone finds anymore mistakes please bring it/them to my attention.

In other news I think it's time I give you that sequel some have been asking for. So story #11 will see the return of secret agent Scoots.

On a related note I originally only planed on writing two of the four events from my secret agent Scoots story line, but in contemplating the responses here it occurred to me that I could make a decent story out of a third event.

And wow, it's been over a year since I first started posting stories here. Dang. I'm sorry, I didn't intend to make you wait that long while I practiced. And now I'm making you wait even more... dang, but soon... or however long it takes to write the next story anyway.

Well, until next time, have fun out there. :scootangel:

I read this entire story in one sitting, and I had to fight my instincts to not comment on every single chapter with pure praise. You had minimal errors, none of which did anything to distract from the story, and the actual plot to the story was superb and unique, just the kind of fic I truly enjoy reading! This story had excellent explanations to everything, leaving no stone unturned, and wrapped up nicely at the end. I applaud you for this amazing story, and humbly ask you to continue your work.
-Chaos Storm

5883917

Wow... thank you for your kind words. :scootangel:

Makes me a little nervous that some one has such a high bar for me, as I consider this one of my better stories. :unsuresweetie: I can only hope that I hit the target as well with future works. Here's hoping that the next one is as good.

Though it seems another round of error correction is needed here, I'll get on that soon.

Okay, finished another pass of error correction. So as always, if anyone finds any remaining mistakes please feel free to bring them to my attention.

Comment posted by KiKo4 deleted May 13th, 2017

6815226

if your going to pull a quote like that from the ending could you be so kind as to use the spoiler block out on it?

It's the one next to the emoticons like so.

Actually even the part of you comment referencing it could use it too.

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