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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Chapter 1 is up! I was already working on this when I finally decided to publish the Prologue, so that is why it is up so quickly. Next chapter may take a little longer since I haven't started on it yet!
Enjoy!
423560
Thanks! I just checked over there actually, and they have it listed, so I'm pretty happy about that.
Sofar I'm pretty happy with how things are progressing. Chapter 2 is still in progress, trying to really take my time with it, and flesh it out a bunch. A few things you can expect though:
- Arrival at Manehatten
- A little snippet of Steeljack's background
- Firing Stargazer for the first time (it's a pretty intense little weapon!)
- Memories!
Longer chapters are great.... Feel free to go as long as comfortable for you. We are at your tender mercies here...
I really like it when storys have longer chapters and if these storys happen to be FO:E fics its just for the better.
I read entire books in the time it takes other people the read a few chapters
So carry on with your good work!
432210
Thanks! That's my plan with this. Really taking my time to make it as best as I can.
Chapter 2 is almost done. There is a section I'm deathly unhappy with that I'm rewriting to make it flow better before I can finish the rest of it.
Nice, nice. Looks like we're getting our Mandatory Gunslinger into the group.
One remark:
> Broadcasters were sprite-bots or any other form of radio source (including PipBucks) that were altered by the Pink Cloud
Actually, technically, pipbuck broadcasters were external devices plugged into pipbucks.
And then, some corrections:
> (Radish-y goodness with a radiated flavor!)
Should be either "with an irradiated flavor" or "which radiated flavor". But as it is, it kinda doesn't work. "Radiated" is a past participle, not an adjective.
> As we arrived, we were greeted by the site of a buck being thrown out on his ass into the street.
should be "by the [sight]"
> until he was out of site.
again, "sight".
> It’s barrels were almost like gazing into a field of stars at night.
"[Its] barrels". You really need to be more careful with that one! Any time you use "it's", try replacing it with "it is" and see if it still works.
Great chapter. I like the building of the group. Steeljack reminds me of sarge, form Red vs Blue. I cant get his voice to stop coming from his character.
Well volrathxp. I don't know how you managed to hook me in to another one of these evil little FOE fics, but you did. Congratulations now i'll get even less sleep.
Tiny nitpick in this chapter: "Violet rolls her eyes." Should probably be "Violet rolled her eyes."
432210 pshh. thats nothing. I can read 500 pages in small lettering in 3 hours.
EDIT: I just realized tha comment is over a year old...
I'm just gonna call it now. Star is the new Element of Magic. The fact that there is irradiated water confirms that the GoE hasn't been activated yet (which, by my logic places this story a few months after the day of Sunshine and Rainbows. Enough time for Velvet to organize the Followers, but before the 1 year deadline LittlePip gave his friends). I'm under the impression that Spark is the embodiment of the Element itself, which would make Star the bearer.
Sorry if I spoiled anything from the original story. I'm under the assumption that everyone reading this story has read that one already.
Hah~
So far, it's not bad. The characters don't quite leap off the page, but I can tell them apart at least.
Interesting... Is it really Twilight Sparkle... is it the Sixth Element - Magic - that has been hiding in Twilight since the Last Day? If so, then Star's destiny isn't to be taken over by Twilight Sparkle, but to succeed her and become one of the new Elements of Harmony. Maybe to also inherit the vast arcane knowledge that she had gathered in her few decades of life. That's not an easy destiny to have and probably not an easy burden to bear but... Well, that's the Wastelands for you, isn't it? Nopony is going to be asking you; you've just got to do what's got to be done and survive as best as you can.
And yes, with all the horrors that Twilight has experienced, I can understand her lust for oblivion.
2.5%! Hmmmm Chocolate Sauce......
putting random music:
I'll be completely honest with you and saying I didn't like this chapter all that much. I feel like I'm being forced and pushing into the exposition. It's always better to show than tell. And in this chapter it felt like there was a lot more telling of feelings. I also did not like the fact that her 'spirit' progress is moving at the rate its going. I'm seeing elements of an alter/voice in your head story in your fic that I'm not liking... And I guess this helps me in a way because it shows what I don't want to do when writing my own book that does have other 'alters/personalities' and talking voices. I'm also going to throw this chapter up as a fluke and struggling to get a good setting. (I completely skipped over that robot part... I hope I don't skip a lot of stuff in reading your fic.)
Well, now that I've told you what I didn't like, I will say that your writing quality itself is good. I can read this and feel the progress of the story. It's nothing outstanding of course, but I've got a good picture painted before me of where this story is going as the characters progress trough the chapter. The writing itself doesn't distract me, and I like that. It feels a bit average, but smooth enough to keep me reading. As mentioned above, I skipped the robot scene, and because I'm intrigued by this story, I'll keep my right to skip some stuff, even if the writing during this is good.
Now, I've got the impression Star is a mary-sue. I have little emotional connection to her and feel more connected to the side characters than her at this point. But as an alicorn character I expected this story to revolve around a mary-sue.
In summary, I didn't like the chapter, but that doesn't mean it wasn't good or enjoyable for other readers. :)
Quaver Ava
That does make sense. And yeah, could see a lot happening, but at the same time, the impression from how they talked, having 'Elders' makes it feel like things have been going on a lot longer. Though.. eh minor point. So yeah less how much happened, and more just the general attitude and some of the phrasings that make it seem longer. Though would make sense for it to be relatively short after SS&RB's, would explain why the Followers are mostly alicorn's, since they would be the first to join en masse, anyway, yeah overall minor point, let's move on to the story proper.
***
Ohhhh, I really like that opening. So much to talk or think about in it, and how it's presented. I don't agree with some of it, like
since most of them were fighting to defend their homes, their loved ones, their land. Not because they enjoyed fighting, enjoyed the battle, but because they had to to protect their homeland and their people. But at the same time, I can see how it might seem that way to others long after the fact. Who only see the end result of all this. And the wondering if it was all some force driving them, or simply a truth about how ponies really are. And which would be worse? Very VERY nice little philosophical opening.
Why?
Well, just music, no mention of DJ. So, she still out on her quest to find the other two bearers? Just set up an autoplay feature she checks on now and then while near a tower? Or after and she's back to doing the DJ stuff, and just nothing worth mentioning?
...
Practicing makes sense. As does her needing Iris to prod her into doing so, or even point out it's something she should be doing.
Though, not quite AS useful in all situations. Also, brings to mind a bit of from the original, why they needed pre-war bits to get stuff out of the machines.. rather then just rip them open.
I liked 'It's a buck to the face, WITH RADISHES!' better.
Or that it's potent enough to be turned into a freaking good sized bomb.
Well, can't really fault them to much, given not only was it in Fallout, but IRL people did that before they realized what a bad, BAD idea that was.
And I really like this. The clicking wouldn't be any different then on any pony, not gleeful, just, clicking. And to most ponies it would be worrying, a danger, bad news, not something they want to hear. Yet for her, it sounds gleeful, a good thing. Really like the subtle little bit with that. Just, a unique twist about her perspective on things. Very well done.
****
Okay, that entire training sequence.... so damn hilarious. Loved it.
Then the voice showed up and... well not sure what to think yet. It didn't sound or feel like Twilight, at least outright. Then again neither did those visions. They felt like part of her, like they had some connection, but not being her full self. Which would make sense if this is just part of Twi. Some.. echo.. shadow. Some part of her, but not the full thing, even the name, Part of Twilight Sparkle, but only part of it.. foreshadowing? And taking over her body? Well, that's another thing it's never good to hear.
Bit odd and weird, but in a way that just makes me want to know more about what is going on. All while being utterly hilarious. when it's not being incredibly intriguing, very nice job blending the two.
Well that whole bit.. again nice job with the comedy, I LOVE stories that can keep the levity in play, without making it feel out of place, so really looking forward to more of the story at this rate.
The guard... well on the one hoof, shooting at the alicorn just for being one, despite how many seem to have sided with the Followers. On the other hoof he did fire a warning shot and not just go for the kill, which if he was really concerned about an Alicorn, would be suicide, since surprise is pretty much the only weapon you have on them unless you are packing some SERIOUS firepower. So does seem more like.. realizes some alicorns aren't all reformed, and has some bad memories of them before, but also realizes many aren't monster's anymore. And they took it pretty well, just shrugging it off once things were cleared up so... kind of like it. Just hope the hate at first sight things doesn't get to over played.
Except.. it wasn't really a long time they were active. They only started showing up about ten years or so before Littlepip, and then mostly isolated sightings. Not really being widely active till shortly before she set out, mostly along the same time Redeye rose to power. Which yeah could give them the association with slavery, given most ponies would see them as being part of his forces, or at least on his side, rather then their real goal. Which nopony knew about besides Redeye and those few other 'prophets' of The Goddess. But even then, few would have had direct encounters with them, or even heard that much to have that level of personal animosity. granted by this point The Book of Littlepip should be widely available, so most would know the full story.
Basically I can get some caution, some animosity towards alicorns, just hoping, as above, it isn't going to be too overblown.
Do I smell a sub-quest forming?
Yup... Though I love Star's reaction to it.
...
Okay that whole conversation, seemed rather rapid. Couple places seem to suffer from that so far. Not to story breaking levels. not anything that really doesn't make sense, but stil felt like it was simply being rushed through to get it out of the way.
Not sure if that's just writing wanting to get on with it and get to the fun part.. or how quick they were to want to head in without asking any questions, like the layout, what types of bots, how they are armed, without gathering as much info as possible... is a subtle bit showing how they aren't used to this whole adventuring thing. Are treating it like a fun little game. Accept the quest, go kill the bad things, get reward. Something they've heard stories about and don't see why it's that hard. Only for reality to buck them in the face. only reason I can see for them being the quick to rush into danger like that without doing as much as they could to prepare themselves.
Not a bad set up, and loved the little bite on the ass teleport trigger.. but even that felt a little quickly done..... eh maybe not. But yeah nice set up, could have been a bit less rushed.
Well when you are going after them with that load out.. yeah, they will suck. Nothing you have is built for taking them out.. not even any AP ammo?
See this is the type of stuff you discuss before entering the building. Along with mapping out the quickest and safest routes to the place, as well as numerous back up routes cause you know the primary one will be a death trap.
See, more questions to ask before you go in. Hell to ask, before you even accept the quest.
Either these drones are very very substandard, or that shotgun is loaded with slugs, not buckshot.
Okay, Brainbots alone were creepy and out of place enough in FOE, but this? i really hope that's something created afte the fact by insane robots, and not made by ponies. Why the fuck would a MALL need something like THAT!?
Okay, insane robots it is. But... seriously?
Okay okay, I grinned a little... before face palming.
........... Hmmmmmmm.... some subtle little foreshadowing perchance?
Radio Shack for the adapters needed, and whatever ponies have that would fit for an Apple store for the sucking out and enslaving of your soul to a machine?
..... well this is an interesting new twist. So, those were facets of Twilight, each door, another emotion, another piece of her being. Channeling some part of that piece into her magic, her self, taking over with it. Then she meets it in the dream after. That.... is incredibly interesting and... just wow I really like this whole thing so far.
... Not... Not freeing Littlepip? not.. hearing Pinkies' last message?
So this is the true Twilight? Or just another echo?
Wow....Okay this... is making some sense, but still enough mystery to be really intriguing. How? Why? What does the fracturing mean? Those explanations for the emotions.. they make sense, though at the same time can't see Twi doing that.. at least then, now, just a mind, or soul, fragmented, seeing those facets of her.... yeah it feels good, well well done at least. I am really getting into this mystery, into what is going on.
At the same point, it looks like this will end with Star becoming the Element of Magic. Which.. writing a story where your OC becomes one of the two other Element Bearers... is an uphill climb but honestly, so far, I think this story could pull it off and make it work... other then not liking the idea simply due to it going against the hints in FOE about who it was, hints Kkat has all but outright admitted were meant to lead where they do and would become a certainty if she ever made a sequel. the Lifebloom was really their EoM. But, might not even be where the story is going. And if it is, it isn't actaulyl canon that would happen, so could still work.
As to the robots. Again, it felt rather quick. but on the other hoof, given how long this story is... can I really be upset with things moving along quickly while still making sense? Just, didn't fell long enough to really build up the right level of emotional torque. But other then that, pretty well done and interesting. (Yes I use Interesting a lot, and it's always a good thing.) I could see ponies trapped here after the war, desperate for someway to survive, turning to this in desperation somehow.. it could work. And the parallel between them and Unity, very nice. Just, again, it all went by a bit to fast to really build up the emotional torque that could have taken this from a damn good scene, into an amazing one. Like spending more time with Steeljack so him pulling that had more impact, a sense of possible loss. It works as is, but feels like it could have been more.
Can't have an FoE fic without the main character getting their own unique, named weapon. And a mini-gun for her.... damn that's impressive. Though good luck keeping enough ammo stocked for that thing.
This, this I like. Story not trying to make it out to be some true, full reincarnation of Twi or something. But, maybe an echo, just part of her. I really like this. Again story does a really good job with small, subtle touches. I love it.
And judging by that group shot on the cover, he'll be joining the team after this.
I was wondering about that.
So new party member and.... not really sure how to feel about him. he's not really 'flat' but at the same time, pretty basic, havne't really gotten to know him. And does feel a tad rushed again. Maybe it's just me. It does make sense overall, just, ehhh.. will just be repeating things over and over at this point. But, YAY! New pony.
Well, another good chapter, some minor issues, mostly with some parts feeling a tad rushed, or not really having quite the emotional impact they feel like they should. But again minor issue. Lot of good, really love Star, starting to get a handle on Iris, but still a little vague. Steeljack.... well wait for him to get more development, so far.. yeah I like him. Loving the whole story overall, and really interested in where it's going.
Oh and on the opening issue remark.. this feels a lot more like it takes place in the time frame it's intended.
Please tell me that big robot was a reference to the games and not Star Trek. >.<
Serious question: I'm listening to VisualPony's reading of this story, and I note that he's including "level ups" which aren't present at the end of these chapters anymore. Assuming you got rid of them in the revision, how much am I going to be missing by reading the story this way? I mean, did you just clean up the writing, or did you make changes to the plot or characters as well?
Awesome chapter!!!!
Annnnd exactly how does she know what a wet earth pony smells like?
Office steel jack? Huh didn't know there was a office steel jack
Is project horizons going to be considered cannon in this story?
I don't like Steeljack.
8637511
Yeah, I'm thought about that too.
Borg pony robots :P
I hope SteelJack is a ex-ranger will be a disappointing name choice if he isnt.