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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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ouch Pink Cloud and who woulda thought that donkey is crank
Totally called it that it was cranky from the moment i first read about him.
Also it now goes into downtown Chicacolt.
And by the way i totally like silly Steel ranger names what could be more scary than a pony encased in massive power armor with even more massive weapons named Cotton Candy!
And just because i am a prereader now dosn't mean i am not going to comment less or even stop!
Seaponies?
We have dismissed that claim.
{Enough with the Mass Effect jokes, Echo.}
{Chill out, Star. Hey, should we do a shoutout to this author in chapter 5?}
Chapter 5? Blaze, what are you talking about?
{Uhh... nothing?}
{Just ignore him, Echo. There's no such thing as the 4th wall.}
Wait, what are you-
{NO. SUCH. THING.}
141.7 = 141.07 = MGS 2 codec frequency for the music station right?
Though one thing I would point out is that I am not a big fan of shipping so the Rarity x Twi thing going is a little off-putting but hardly anything destructive IMO. I just want to give my two cents on that.
anyway keep it up!
719954
It's a bit of a throwback to the fact that Star never watched the orb from the Hoofton when she could have. I've also always been a big fan of Twirity. But... as we all know, this is a meeting after Shining Armor's death, which ends up being when Twilight asks Rarity about necromancy. We all know that despite Rarity's feelings for Twilight, she can't let her distance herself from her friends, which is why she has Snails follow her (which we will get to see at some point... spoilers!) to find out what Twi is up to.
So of course... it's all unrequited. The radio station code was something that came in during "brushies" as suggested by Wirepony.
Thanks for the comments and feedback. It's much appreciated!
719496
Thank you for your continued hilarity good sir!
720389
well that's strike two
721413
Strike two?
Quick, Rarity drama queen action go!
721423
2 guesses on two different chapters, both wrong.
uh I don't get the drama queen thingie XX
721501
It was a diversionary tactic. Look over there! Is that Princess Celestia!
722100 NOPE. Chuck Testa.
chzmemebase.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/internet-memes-meme-madness-my-little-testa.png
722100 722176
i6.photobucket.com/albums/y225/clonezero/hideyoshi7.jpg
I have a whole load of senseless pictures, do not tempt me!
725301i.imgur.com/8l7AR.jpg
727730
Lol... alright then, if you're going to do that then, keep it off my comments page and onto PM.
727741 I do believe that I have won this round.
727761
Only because the boss has spoken Mr. Storm, only because of him!
I tend to get plug in and reference confused sometimes. Thanks for the free Advertisement!
733784
No problem! Thanks for reading!
755987
Indeed. That is Discord alright. Thanks for the comment!
blarghlblarghlblarghl despite my roller coaster mood today this chapter and the last chapter were pretty good
Sloth/Cranky Doodle had some excellent writing.
Steel Rangers are always ass hats. Maybe they wouldn't be so uptight if they loosened up the armor a bit.
Rarity? The biggest flirt in the series, into mares? I think you just broke my suspense of disbelief there, sorry
Oh, and as mentioned before, Alicorns were actually shown to be immune to pink cloud in Fo:E. Physically, at least.
Corrections and remarks:
> as numerous red blips lit it up like a Hearth’s Warming Celebration in Canterlot.
Strange comparison to make for ponies that only know Canterlot as the City of Death...
> striking home into several of the creature’s heads
the [creatures’] heads
> Their hooves drug Pink Cloud along the ground
"drug" is in no way a valid past tense of 'to drag'. Should be "dragged".
> obliterating the creature’s legs
Again, [creatures’]. Possessive plural isn't the same as possessive singular.
> it was no wonder the two had to keep switching off to maintain the shield.
switching off? You mean taking turns? 'switching off' kinda means stopping.
> the one of the entire thing changed.
Typo! "the [tone] of the entire thing". This took me a few rereads to figure out what it actually meant
> Chicacolt here we come.
Another typical example of a missing comma after an addressing term in a sentence :3
um, rarity is straight in project horizons. She's with Blueblood's cousin, who is actually a pretty cool guy.
Okay, back to Star and her quest to see just how many times an alicorn can knock herself unconscious before suffering permanent brain damage.
Well, rather ambivalent about this bit. Not bad but, more of the same from Star. Lamenting about how bad the ponies from the war are, blaming them for everything, always so dedicated to painting them in the worst possible light and condemning them, without actually understanding the context around why they did what they did. But, that's pretty much just how she views them. She's just very cynical about stuff. Though more so in these opening bits then she seems in the actual story. PLus, she is WAY to damn hard on herself and keeps painting things in a much worse light. She really hasn't done anything that would require 'redemption'. Poor mare needs some anti-depressants and good therapist. STAT!
Well, Star isn't being exact but, it is Star, so I'm kind of surprised she got as much right as she did. "The Littlehorn Agent" wasn't the Pink Cloud precisely. Pink Cloud was that agent applied to a Megaspell framework. It's the difference between a balefire egg, and a balefire bomb. But that is just arguing technicalities that, yeah don't expect her to understand. That said, as stated last chapter, Canterlot ghouls do not excrete Pink Cloud. (Once again Puppysmiles was a unique case). But given the other 'Sin ponies' have all had stuff that should be impossible, just going to assume that is why he can.
Talking is way easier then actually doing anything. You are dealing with Sloth after all.
Or it just wants to be left the fuck alone and would really like to tell Pride to go buck herself for his own reasons.
So, actual other pony, which would make her a ghoul too. Or just some object or creature he calls 'her'? Also, Sloth, you do realize there is like, a 95% chance she is just fucking with you right? Either doesn't have 'her' or won't give her back. Right?
And suddenly, putting off getting to another chapter till now really makes it fit being this close to Halloween, funny coincidences. Granted, Pink Cloud really can't DO that, it either turns you into a ghoul, or kills you and once dead that's it. BUT, can just write it off as is "Sloth power" at work. After all, what could be lazy, while actually being a threat, then sitting on your ass and sending minions to attack for you?
Wait, are they coming up from the ground as skeletons, or as pink goo that forms into skeletons?
No, really?
Well there was the Pink Water so, yeah that works but, how does Star know this? I mean possible just, odd how sporadic her knowledge of stuff can be.
Isn't that a bit redundant? Does it really matter if your are 'critically injured' if you are also dead?
Wow.. not a single trace of genre savviness in you is there Star?
1. Pretty obvious why.
2. Why not try shooting the guy creating all these undead instead of the minions?
Gee if only you could, I don't know.. teleport?
Oh you did think of that, but, how would that work? Just go somewhere you can see that is outside the ring and run for it.
So, how is it different the usual Alicorn Shield? Other then having a slightly bigger radius?
Again, HOW!? How could that happen?
If it's Shinny's shield, it would be more Translucent then Transparent.
See, now Violet's got a nice Genre Savvy streak in her.
Dun Dun DUUUUNNNN!!!! So, 'her' would be Matilda? Wow, good thirty years between show and bomb, he was already pretty old... he hung on for quite some time.
Well, definitely saw this coming. So the question is, what caused them all to change like this, and when? Seems to be fairly recent, but not just last week or something the way they are talking.
Somepony went and found herself a nice little snipers nest.
Called it.
That is not normal. Pink doesn't cause flesh to boil, it more.. melts it.
okay that is abusing it a little TO much, has to be some limit. But that does work with how I picture SATS, as being something the merely super accelerates the users perception speed. But even so, that is getting a little to Game logic over Story logic for me. Should still drain the spells' battery at least a little.
You know I really should start counting just how many scenes only end by Star passing out? I think it might be the majority of scene transitions that happen this way.
Wait, when did that start? the only other time I can remember a door being boarded up after she went in was with Rage, (Anger, wrath, forget the exact name) and that was more to keep that emotion under control. Also, HEY! She has been through a lot, she needs a little relaxation time. Why are you stopping her from popping in to see Passion now and then? No fair!
Hmmm, crying, so one of the sad ones, but what flavor? Just, plain sadness? huge office empty aside from her while she gazes out of a city.. Loneliness? Looking over the city her failures led to being destroyed? Regret?
If it's a real one, whose laying odds it's Chicacolt?
Hmmm leaning towards loneliness. Possibly Guilt.
Okay, that makes sense too.
I do think the whole Twi losing her brother during the war and having to deal with that kind of personal loss is a good idea.. though also a little close to AJ's whole deal (Really the two progress pretty similarly . Speaking of, wouldn't AJ have been able to help Twi a bit?" Just, seems odd something this huge escaped the original story... granted I know why. Even then, it could definitely work, we only know a tiny fraction of the events. Just, feels odd for how hard the story is hammering what a big deal this was. Not that it is the least out of character for Twi and totally could see this being part of her. Just, odd no other sign of it showed up or hint of something this huge. That said.. is possible that since this is all the result of the spell Twi made while mourning him, that those aspects, her guilt, fear, sadness, her obsession with why she did this, are kind of amplified a bit by that fact. That this is Twilight, but these pieces are fixated at the time she created the spell, on that fact, on that loss. Not later, as she got over it and accepted her lose.
Well, once she got through the Denial, Anger, and bargaining phase (Which is the phase she seemed to be stuck in the longest given the whole restore him to life idea is perfectly suited for this position.)
Interesting choice of words. So, who or what is keeping her from saying more?
Figured that was the case.
Again, a bit odd given what a huge secret Rarity kept it, but yeah enough little clues that somepony as observant, and driven as her could have pieced them together.
This I find a lot harder to buy. We saw no hint this was the case. If anything what we did see showed Twi was closer to her still then any of the other mane 6
You say that like it's a bad thing.
That.. is a really good question.. or.... is it finished? Could some of the issues Star is having be due to it being incomplete?
Okay.. can excuse this as it being Star having no idea about what that was but... no no no no NO! And HELL NO! The Zebra would not do that.. not in the way Star claims. They reviled the book, saw it as even more blasphemous and unholy then ponies would. It was an affront to their entire belief about The Stars. It was their version of the Necronomicon. So no, "The Zebra's" as a whole, would not make multiple copies. That said, there are cultists among Zebra's that worship the Stars, such as the Pony that made the Book, and those that had it in the end. So yes, it is possible some other Star Cultist made another Book like it.
Okay halfway point, so good place to stop, half the issue with delays on getting these out is how large the chapters have gotten, hard to stay focused that long so, larger chapters, just going to do them in sections.
I really liked Sloth, can't wait to see where things go with him, and Star getting closer and closer to working things out, she's putting pieces together.. she might not have a high INT build, but she's not an idiot when she actually tires. So yeah, more interesting build up to look forward to a pay off.
Okay, continuing on from the last bit. We have a really sympathetic Sin Pony.. well Donkey now, and even more questions of where they came from. We have Greed and Pride that revel in their powers and are flat out card carrying villains and proud of it. Lust who is rather ambiguous. Clear rather unbalanced mentally, definitely more concerned about herself then anypony else, and doesn't really care about others getting hurt, but also isn't as gloatingly, unabashedly, I'm evil and I love it, as the other two. And now Sloth, who is only acting like a villain because Pride is extorting him to. And how/is this tied into Star's change? SO many questions.
Alright so, let's get back to the smartest ponies in the wastes walking right into what they know is a trap.
At least all the time they have to spend carrying your unconscious flank gives them a great work out. See Star, you are helping.
Okay, that is an adorable image.
I keep telling you, it's the universe balancing the scales for how you warp space to travel several days worth of distance in a few hours.
MMMMM Bacon!
Hmmm, side effect of the change, getting Twi's dedication and skill with her brain. Or, simply a natural result of her being challenged to actually think? Being forced to stop and consider stuff, to reflect on things instead of just lazing around and coating along? Star never really came off as stupid. She's not a genius by any means, but she's not dumb either. She just never really liked to think, preferred to just take the easiest path and not think about things if she didn't have to.
Okay, lightweight rifle makes sense. But, even so, I'd figure a pony would weigh more then the rifle and be a bigger issue. The rifle could have just been rested on a tree limb.
Given Maud.. I rather question differentiating based on gender like that in Equestria. We've seen nothing to indicate there is ANY sort of "Stallions are stronger" stuff. (Aside from Big Mac, but he's a special case and the only stallion we've seen like that.) Making a lightweight weapon anypony could use, makes perfect sense, for the reason given, not so much. Then again, could just be Steejack talking out of his plot and having no actual clue.
Of course.
That seems WAY to simple...... it's Prides hide out, or, some group affiliated with her, isn't it?
Either way, taking out a raider nest near a town? Yeah, definitely something most ponies that could should have no qualms in doing.
Well, griffons aren't that rare in the Wastes, Zebras? Hmmm, how close are they to Zebrica? Where did they come from? Minotaurs.... can't say much about given they didn't show up at all in FOE, since they didn't exist before it was finished but, makes sense a few of them could be around. Which.. leads me to another thought.. what sort of monstrosity would a Radiation/Taint exposed Minotaur turn into?
I know I went off on how odd it is to have another major Radio station given all the issues but, this just brought something to mind, how old is this? It could be something brand new that only popped up after Sunshine and Rainbows. A result of ponies starting to rebuild.
So, what are the odds Pride is behind one of those sides of the war?
Wut? I.... wut? I have no idea what to say to that....
So, is that referring to the joke, or the NCR?
You know.... the idea of that is just to damn awesome to even try to nitpick.
Wut? Well to be fair, this guy is making as much sense as most talk radio so, there is that.
Oooooookay, ummm, still not sure how to respond to that. But does lend credence to this being something new. Though, shouldn't the Steel Rangers of calmed down a bit now? Or did this group not get the memo?
That is such an amazingly bland, dumb, and just plain 'why?' name for a group.... that I could definitely see it being real.
So, found the raiders I take it? And, a lot more dangerous then the nurse made it seem?
Also, once more, read The Book of Littlepip! If nothing else, it will massively increase you swearing repertoire.
Ah, so it wasn't Raiders, just Steel Rangers... who... okay yeah they are basically just raiders with bigger guns, and who at least will just kill you simply because they feel like it, but without the torture and rape. So, how is this story going to handle them?
"Exposition, exposition. Talk shit out A S A-P..."
Yeah, good luck with that method... though, points for making the effort at least.
"Hope for the best, plan for the worst." Though we all know that's "When" things go bad.
And also that you all have one hell of an Agility score to be able to do that, with all your gear, and not fall over. Or, do they just roll on their backs and put all four hooves up? Also, what would be the point? They don't use weapons with hooves, it's all mouth of magic controlled.
....... Hey Puppysmiles! I got some new ponies that want to be your friends! Go show them your toy!
Chain of deals sub plot is a go! Now let's see what DJ guy wants.
Huuuuuh? How.. how the buck would that work? No seriously, how the buck does that work? If it's reading archno-tech power signatures, it would only work for active pieces of tech. And, how do you filter out the important stuff from the junk like, say, a lightbulb? So many questions about how this is supposed to work.
Next up, how the bucking hell would giving this to these assholes not be worse for everypony around?
As even Star notices.
Well, they just wanted the device, did they say they wanted it without a little timed explosive inside that's set to destroy it after you get the hell out of there?
Okay, why the hell are they agreeing to do this before getting their end of the deal?
.... That could do it. Okay, Star, makes sure you level these guys before leaving town. Nopony is going to miss them.
Good question....
Oh... she didn't have a plan, she just winged it, and couldn't back down once she started........ well fuck.... Anypony know how to contact some Applejack rangers for backup?
While that makes sense, him going out of his way to explain that, not so much.
Okay, this soon after? No, not going to happen. After the Battle of Fillydelphia the fighting between the two stopped, but they were still two separate groups that really did not get along well with each other, but avoided open hostility cause, well, bigger issues.
See, that's the type of detail you'd be better off not mentioning quiet yet..... all it's going to do is cause a panic.
She is taking this way to well. Just, seems, rather.. to easy and.. emotionless I guess. Hard to really find a character here instead of an exposition spouter.
How do you tell the difference?
Good thinking, though, rather curious what would happen if she tried it without Pride messing with it.
Ooookay, well, this can't be the actual Element of Magic so, what's up with that?
OHHHHHH A collection of Friendship Letters, me like.
.... How utterly oblivious are you Star? I mean I know very but, how does some of the most basic information you would expect somepony to know, at least somepony in the Followers, not get into your head?
1. "The one"? Missed a letter there.
2. How the hell does this one journal cover everything in the show, and go all the way for the next 20 years? With ten of those years being during the war? Nope, can't buy it. A series of journals, sure, but just one single journal having ALL of that?
And yet, that is even harder to buy. What the fuck? Why would she? From all the description, from characters who were actually THERE (Spike and Applesnack) the Mane 6 were eager to help, wanted to do more, and it was Celestia that had been trying to keep their involvement as limited as she could. So when Luna reversed on that, they leaped at the chance.
....... oh hell no story..... just.. no.....
Yeah, can't buy this in the least, and this passage, as well as the journal itself, kind of exemplify what I think one of, if not the weakest points of the story is. It doesn't think it's own stuff through all the way. It wants things to be a certain way, does enough to give some justification for it, but doesn't fully think about all the implications. Doesn't take time to make sure it fits naturally. Just plugs the pieces it requires into the world, without making sure they fit.
Now, I'm not saying you, or the story are lazy, cause there is still a lot of work and thought put into some of this, but at the same time, only some parts, others are just put in because they are needed, and feel clearly that they are what they are, needed plot points, not a natural part of this world. Take the journal. Star reading an old journal of Twilight? I could buy that, but at the same time, it did feel just a little two added in. Not 'forced' but, didn't feel like it came about entirely naturally... feels a tad bit to contrived. But, not enough to really be bad, just of the 'could have done it a bit better' variety. But then it ruins it by being one single journal, with nearly thirty years worth of entries. That's what I mean by not thinking it through. The story wants to have Star reading pre-war Twilight stuff, seeing how she was before, and then post-war Twilight to see the difference. That is a great idea, but not in one single journal that doesn't need it's own wagon to carry it around in. It want's option A, and option C, but it forgets to think about everything involved in B that has to go between them. In this case, ten years of peace, followed by another ten years of war before she became a Ministry Mare, and then however many years between that and Shiny's death.
But it doesn't stop there, as above, there is zero hints that Twi in anyway saw becoming a Ministry Mare as anything but great, especialy at first. But the story wants her to feel that way, so it decides she felt that way, ignoring all the evidence ot the contrary. And then we get to the last entry, stuff Twilight would NEVER say or feel. We saw Twilight just before the end, we know some of how she felt then, was like. Yes she had changed, but not to this large a degree. She was still close to most of her Friends, not AS close, but often enough, the only one she had an issue with was Pinkie, and even then, she never stopped loving Pinkie. We saw their last encounter, yes it was harsh, but it ended with Twilight reassuring Pinkie that, if Pinkie wanted help, Twi would be there, but she was tired of waiting for that to happen. There was a LOT of nuances and complexity there that, simply seem absent from this Twilight. She is far far FAR to focused, far to obsessed with this one thing.
It's another case of the story wanting things one way, and not fully thinking it out. Yes it works for this story, but it doesn't work in the larger context of FOE. The idea itself is pretty good, but the story pushes how hopeless Twi felt, how dead, how depressed, how lost, broken, shattered, it pushes it to far, makes it TO huge an issue. The Twilight we see here, simply does not feel like the Twi we saw and heard of in FOE. But it's the Twi the story wants to have, so it does it without feeling like it is a natural thing.
Another recent example, the transponder, I ask again, how the buck could it locate every single piece of Pre-War tech in an area? it's a braodcaster!? It feels like a plot piece, not like a natural part of the world.
Now, no this is not an "Alright I'm done" rant just, me realizing something that has been bugging me about the story all a long.. well for a long while... it is, to me, the biggest weakness overall with the story, but the story still has a lot of good I do like. The ideas themselves are pretty interesting, they just could have been integrated into the story more naturally. I am legit curious what is going on, wanting to see where this is going, and the single best part of the story, Star herself, I do love the big purple lug. So yeah, just, had to get that out, now time to finish up this chapter...
Again with this, and again, kind of like it and does make sense. We never saw Littlepip have this much awareness of the body she was inhabiting, not to the level of being able to tell who she was in just by how the body felt. BUT, given what she has been going through, it would make sense for Star to be far far more aware of body issues, of how her body feels, for her to pay attention and be able to pick up on those subtle things that Littlepip simply missed. So I do like that.
Hey, you're not crazy unless you start answering yourself back.
Or hold multi part conversations with yourself, including physical violence between the conversion participants. But if you are adorable enough doing it, you can still pull it off, just ask Frosty.
.... Rarity went and fell for Twi didn't she?
Yup... not sure how I feel about that.
And then she doesn't, given how one track the story can be about stuff.. guessing Twi brings up the Black Book and it goes downhill from there so Rarity never gets around to it.
And once again story, you are overplaying your hand, pushing things to far rather then keeping them subtle, subdued when needed.
See, another chance to make things flow a bit better, and to have it be more natural and fit in the setting missed. Granted this wasn't bad.. the ending, but, would have worked better IMO, to end it with her lifting up the Memory Orb she was about to record this in, like how The Butterfly Orb in the original ended.
But the memory overall, again it just, feels a tad to forced, to overt. The idea could work, but Rarity comes across FAR to strong, far to desperate...
Star, you DO know it's impossible to 'store up sleep' so, even with the multiple, several day long naps, it doesn't put you over budge for sleep. Or, do you not know you can't, and that is how you are able to do it?
Yeah, already went off about how that makes no sense for what we've seen of Twilight in FOE.
Okay, so did Twi's little experiment have an important part in this town, or just a case of it was on Star's mind at the time, so she subconsciously puled the memory from Twilight to fill in?
Gee I wonder what could be up there....
It's most likely the DJ, but could be Pride too.
No level up?
Well not much more to say then I already did, loved the fight scene, the rest, served well to progress the story and, can't wait to see what is inside the city.
Wow,
As I was reading this
Be Yourself - Audioslave
Played through the music I have downloaded on my phone, of the thousands that could've played on shuffle, it was this.
This story for a while was a little shaky for me, but it's grown alot. After this I am thoroughly enjoying its progression.
https://youtu.be/XC6URZ-cCB0
The speed I read at had Me reach this quote as the chorus hit